A Letter to Everyone

Dear ___________ (insert your name here)

I was going to go out today to pick up my new meds (Dr. is putting me on Clonopin to see if that helps with panic attacks) but as it is with a lot of days, I simply don't feel like going out. Since I have to go out tomorrow....have a therapy appointment....it can wait. In the meantime, I feel like writing a little on my laptop, which I haven't used much for the past several weeks because its usually a lot easier to use my tablet. But I do like my laptop....I should for $1,200 dollars. And I need to use it more for that reason.

I consider myself a pretty savvy computer user for a senior, but yesterday I felt SO dumb.

I have a pretty decent WiFi printer that Ron bought me several years ago and used to be able to print with it from all my devices.....laptop, tablet and phone. But I always believed that you had to hook the printer up with an ethernet cable to your router to access the network. I was able to do that at the condo but here the router is in the owner's son's room....not accessible to me. So if I wanted to print anything, I would hook the printer cable up to my laptop. A pain, but doable.

While I was visiting my son, someone purchased a wireless printer. All they did was plug it in and set it up and anyone could print wirelessly I thought that was pretty cool.....and why couldn't I do that with MY printer? So yesterday I got to thinking and I went onto Google and looked for info on my printer and, wouldn't you know, there was a video showing exactly how to set it up for wireless printing. You get the printer to find the network, punch in the router passcode and your done.

Now I can print wirelessly from my laptop as well as my phone and tablet. Ain't technology great? My brain? .....not so much. You learn something new......or old, in this case..... all the time.

I have to recommend a certain app.....not because I get anything for doing so but because the darn thing just WORKS! Its the Printer Share app. You do have to pay for the key....$12....but once you have it, you can print from anything. I had NO luck using the software that came from my printer when was at the condo so when I found the Printer Share app and read the reviews, I decided to try it. Worked right off so I bit the bullet and boughtt the key. You can use the key on all your devices and its a one time cost. Totally worth it if you do a lot of printing and have trouble getting your wireless devices to work with your printer.

Decided to make mashed potatoes yesterday since there was about 5 pounds of potatoes just sitting in the kitchen with the potential to rot. Not the best thing to eat when you are a diabetic but I am eating other good stuff with them like good vegetables and meat. There are quite a bit of leftover potatoes so I will have them for several meals. I don't do a lot of cooking here due to the lack of things to cook with....not to mention having to buy water to cook with. So I buy a lot of food that just needs heating in the microwave. Can't WAIT to have my own kitchen again.

One thing I DO like about the cold weather is that when I go to the garage to grab an iced tea from the case, its already colder than the fridge can make it. I have to have my drinks COLD....I gag on anything room temperature. Not sure where THAT came from but....

I now have 2 free magazine subscriptions....one for Food Network and one for Martha Stewart Living. I got them both from online offers. Sometimes junk mail can be worth it. I prefer print media to online when it comes to books and magazines. Will be sorry to see them disappear....I know its going to happen eventually.

So, the song for today is Changes by David Bowie. He will be missed.

I think that is all for the moment. Keep smiling....I am trying too.

Love,

Me

The Veil of Uncertainty

Things have been happening here since I was gone. First, the owner is back in rehab and will NOT be coming back. The family is making preparations for her to enter a nursing home. Yesterday, some family members were going through paperwork looking for legal documents for owners lawyer. They need to get executive power of attorney so they can get things started. The son said he would keep me posted.

So the good news is, no more having to worry about watching the owner. That means I am free to do what I want, pretty much. The bad news is no more money....I was given a final pay and that's it. I do have some money saved but I have no idea how long things will take to progress. I will have to move out, which is the thing that has me the most concerned. I have no real control over where I will go since I wont be footing the bill for it. Apartments are not cheap....even BAD ones. My major concern is my safety....I will be living alone and don't want to end up a target. And if I end up near my son, I will no longer have a vehicle. I will be isolated....alone....with no way to get around. I may as well live out of my car. 

Yes, I am anxious....maybe sound defeatist. Its not intentional but I am scared and I just want to not be scared anymore. I am trying to remember what my daughter told me.....at least I didn't have to look after the owner anymore. Which is a HUGE relief. Still its been a year since I came here and these 4 walls are closing in on me. 

There is something that concerns me more than anything. I love my kids and I know they love me. But do they respect me? How can you possibly respect someone who is such a loser? I would give ANYTHING to not be this way. But that's not going to happen. But I would feel SO much better if I knew my kids respected me somewhat. I would feel like more of a parent than I do right now, instead of a leech. 

We all have to play the hand we are dealt. And I am doing my best to do that. I started working on an afghan that I started for my son and his wife 18 montha ago. I hope to finish it in the next week or so. I have the time, if nothing else. And I really DO want to give it to them....I know they will love it.

Today's song is Help! by the Beatles. The lyrics really hit home right now. 

Railroad Blues

I am on a train passing through Connecticut on my way back to PA. I get off in Phily where my daughter (who just called me) will be picking me up. I am trying to be calm but I have to make my way to the restroom soon and I have never been in a train restroom. So why am I anxious? Just another unfamiliar thing I have to navigate and all that stuff gives me anxiety.

This is only my second time on a train in my life. The first time was in 1969 when I was 14....it was a class trip to Washington. It was fun then...lots of wood in the cars and we had dinner in the dining car. I even remember what I had....roast beef. Now all I care about is that when the time comes I can get off this thing with the 2 bags and purse before they start up the train again.

If you have ever been on a train, you have probably noticed that the view out the windows of a train are pretty depressing. Run down old buildings, construction sites, electrical wiring, rusting things, grafitti. The only interesting stuff so far are the waterways....you can see some wildlife (birds). Its not like flying....that is much more fun.....at least to me it is. Inside the car here, some people are sleeping and some are on their computers (like me). I guess years ago, before cell phones and laptops, people just read. Don't see anyone doing that.

Ok....this will be short. I really need to hit the restroom now. Wish me luck.

Today's song is The City of New Orleans by Arlo Guthrie. The connection to my journey is obvious.

Why ME??

I am still in Boston at my son's house. And I am still sick.

SICK you ask? Yeah....have been sick since the day after Christmas. The one thing I had a feeling would happen. Nine people in close quarters with sick kids and its bound to catch up with you. Now I haven't been sick in 2 years and I actually fear getting sick due to the fact that as I am no longer in my 20's (or even 30's), my immune system is shot. So first I got a sore throat....then I got the cold symptoms....then finally I got the sinus infection, which I am still fighting. Its not as bad as it was but its still there....still nagging me. Will probably be another week before I am mostly over it. I am already sworn that I will NOT come back here if anyone is sick. as no one uses any preventative measures (like cleaning) to keep the viruses in check. 

My son has misplaced my Christmas present. I have no idea if I will ever see it. All I can do is roll my eyes. I love my son but....

We did have one nice day. Even though I was sick, he took me out to breakfast, then to see Star Wars and finally, lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Was really nice. He hired one of those car services.....not UBER...the other one....to get us from place to place. Very convenient, if not expensive. But he can afford it. He also took me to the local mall so I could see about getting a new phone, which I did. Leased a Samsung S6. Never thought of leasing as an option for me but its actually better than owning at this point. I turn in the phone anytime and get the newer version. Cost less monthly than buying the phone and I wont have an old phone sitting in a drawer when I upgrade. I am happy.....love the new phone!

Got some news yesterday, The owner of the home I live in was back in the hospital and I am hearing that although she will be out today, the family is going to start researching nursing home options. Will probably take several months but it looks like I will be moving sooner than later. My son has already told me he will rent an apartment for me. My only thought is that it will be in BOSTON.....and I do NOT want to live up here. With my anxiety, I would never go out, never go anywhere. But I am not going to bring up the issue right now. I need to try and keep saving money and my sanity. 

I leave here very early Wednesday morning. Son has reserved a seat on a train that stops in Philly where my daughter will pick me up. My vacation will be over. Didn't feel like a vacation being sick and all. I am actually looking forward to sleeping in my own bed instead of a futon in a living room.

Today's song is Supercalifragalisticexpialidocious from Mary Poppins. My granddaughter insisted I play that video over quite a few times today. I probably won't see her for a few months....she will be 3 then.

The Nightmare Before Christmas.Day

I arrived at my son's house in Boston yesterday morning. It was an uneventful trip and my daughter made good time. But it didn't take long for me to feel out of place and anxious, which is the exact opposite of how I wanted to feel.

My daughter spent the whole afternoon in the kitchen baking and cooking. The Christmas Eve meal was good and I was glad to get to make my favorite holiday dish....Sweet Potato Crunch. But even that isn't helping my mood to be more festive.

It simply doesn't feel like Christmas. Its hard when most of the people in this house simply don't have any real holiday spirit. It may as well be any other day. I miss Ron...I miss the tree and all my decorations....and feeling at peace. I want to feel it here but its not going to happen, I may as well have stayed home. I feel like a stranger with my own famly.

Tomorrow is Christmas day and I don't even care. I hate feeling like this. And I have to be here for another week and a half. What is WRONG with me???? I know, really. I can't pretend I want to be around all these people. I am not ready for this. I want to be alone.

Maybe I will feel in different tomorrow? I sure hope so. And maybe my next post will be more uplifting.

Today's song is What's This? from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Its what everyone is watching on the BIG movie screen my son has installed in the living room. They don"t watch TV....only stuff from their computers, like Netfiix.....sigh....

El Nino

Whatever it is, it needs to go away. I don't mind a mild holiday season but this is ridiculous. Its predicted to be 70 degrees on Christmas day.

However, I wont be in PA then....I will be in Boston. And a bit uneasy about it dispite being able to visit my son and my granddaughter. Its my anxiety with people.....there will be a LOT of them around and if you have been reading my posts you know that people make me nervous.

And I have another issue. My daughter is driving us up but she has to go right back on Sunday (because she has school on Monday) and my son wants me to stay longer, which I certainly want to. But that means travelling  back by myself. Just the thought of it makes me feel queasy. I told my son that if someone literally puts me on the right train or bus and there are no tranfers and if there is someone right there to meet me when I get off, I should be ok, because I would be a basket case in any other situation. But if I get USED to doing this, I could conceivably make this a more regular occurance. But one thing at a time.  I will make sure I take my anxiety meds with me when I go.

I cleaned my ex's place on Tuesday and my daughter called me to tell me that my ex SIL was pleased as usual but she wants me to come back and do it again next week because she wants it perfect for Christmas, as she is having their family over. I told my daughter I would be happy to do it again but will have to do it on Monday as I have my therapy appointment on Tuesday and we leave for Boston on Wednesday. I said if this was ok with her, let me know. I could sure use the money again.

My therapist wants me to make a list of all my goals for next year. I think they are pretty much the same as I had hoped for THIS year, but what the heck? I am nearly certain I will be stuck here for at least another year and that isn't doing anything for my condition. But I have to think as positively as I can and remember that I am making a little money and that eventually I WILL have my own place again somehow. But I don' t have the patience I had when I was younger.....mainly  because I have NO idea how many more years of life....and good quality of life.....I have left. I miss my last home desperately. Even with all the work that needed to be done to it, it was a palace compared to this place.

Owner's son just told me he is going to sneak out later to catch Star Wars. No problem....owner and I should both be asleep.

One more week till I see New England again. No snow but at least it will be a more fun Christmas than last year. I just wish I could look forward to the New Year.....right now I am afraid of what might come.

The song of the day is I Believe in Father Christmas by Greg Lake. Its one of my favorite contemporary Christmas songs. Its pretty....its haunting. A little like me.

A Day Not Like Any Other Day

I tend to have more bad days than good days but today was a good one for a few reasons.

I felt determined to be productive so I set up my Christmas crafting supplies on the kitchen table (which the aide graciously cleaned up for me) and I made one of my Christmas night lights for a gift. It came out nice and I decided to give it to the aide. She was thrilled. I plan on making 2 more....one for my daughter and one for my therapist. But I only bought ONE light at the craft store. I swore I bought 3 but I only found one so Friday I have to go back to the craft store and get a couple more.

My bed was also delivered today and thought it would be sitting in the garage till next week when I was going to attempt to assemble it. One of the owners sons-in-law stopped by to put up the Christmas tree and saw me with the boxes. He said if I would decorate the tree after he put it up, he would put my bed together. Well, I jumped at that. Took him less than 2 hours to do it and I was THRILLED! I now have a real bed...not a mattress on the floor. I can get up off it easily and it has 2 drawers that I already put my sheets in. I am looking forward to a good night's sleep for the first time in many months. Another step toward normalcy.

Got a $100 gift card from my oldest brother for Christmas. I will buy myself something nice with it. Not sure what yet but there are plenty of things I can choose from. Or I may save it until I go to Boston so I have a little extra spending money. Either way, its all good.

My therapist was pleased to see my changed demeanor today in our session. I told her all the good things that happened today and she told me to keep on trying to stay busy and be positive. I will do my best but she also reminded me that I probably won't hear a decision on my SSI appeal until May of 2017! A lot will happen between now and then.

But I am NOT going to worry about that now. I have to concentrate on being HAPPY, especially with Christmas around the corner. I still have to try and finish my daughter's wreath and the other gifts.

My daughter got a new cat and he is cool! Yellow orangish fur with green eyes. Daughter called me and asked me about names. After I joked around a bit I suggested Maize....the word for corn. .She liked it and I was happy to have helped out. Maize reminds us both of another cat we had....very affectionate and confident. She said when she got him home and opened the carrier, he walked out like he owned the place and started exploring. The last cat she had hid under her bed for 3 days. He loves to be pet and head butts you for attention. My daughter said it looks like he is going to fit right in to her life. She is SO lucky.

I want a CAT so much!

Today's song is Step Into Christmas by Elton John. My daughter's favorite Christmas song, in honor of her birthday today. I like the song too. Little victories mean a lot. I hope mine continue.