The Nightmare Before Christmas.Day

I arrived at my son's house in Boston yesterday morning. It was an uneventful trip and my daughter made good time. But it didn't take long for me to feel out of place and anxious, which is the exact opposite of how I wanted to feel.

My daughter spent the whole afternoon in the kitchen baking and cooking. The Christmas Eve meal was good and I was glad to get to make my favorite holiday dish....Sweet Potato Crunch. But even that isn't helping my mood to be more festive.

It simply doesn't feel like Christmas. Its hard when most of the people in this house simply don't have any real holiday spirit. It may as well be any other day. I miss Ron...I miss the tree and all my decorations....and feeling at peace. I want to feel it here but its not going to happen, I may as well have stayed home. I feel like a stranger with my own famly.

Tomorrow is Christmas day and I don't even care. I hate feeling like this. And I have to be here for another week and a half. What is WRONG with me???? I know, really. I can't pretend I want to be around all these people. I am not ready for this. I want to be alone.

Maybe I will feel in different tomorrow? I sure hope so. And maybe my next post will be more uplifting.

Today's song is What's This? from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Its what everyone is watching on the BIG movie screen my son has installed in the living room. They don"t watch TV....only stuff from their computers, like Netfiix.....sigh....

El Nino

Whatever it is, it needs to go away. I don't mind a mild holiday season but this is ridiculous. Its predicted to be 70 degrees on Christmas day.

However, I wont be in PA then....I will be in Boston. And a bit uneasy about it dispite being able to visit my son and my granddaughter. Its my anxiety with people.....there will be a LOT of them around and if you have been reading my posts you know that people make me nervous.

And I have another issue. My daughter is driving us up but she has to go right back on Sunday (because she has school on Monday) and my son wants me to stay longer, which I certainly want to. But that means travelling  back by myself. Just the thought of it makes me feel queasy. I told my son that if someone literally puts me on the right train or bus and there are no tranfers and if there is someone right there to meet me when I get off, I should be ok, because I would be a basket case in any other situation. But if I get USED to doing this, I could conceivably make this a more regular occurance. But one thing at a time.  I will make sure I take my anxiety meds with me when I go.

I cleaned my ex's place on Tuesday and my daughter called me to tell me that my ex SIL was pleased as usual but she wants me to come back and do it again next week because she wants it perfect for Christmas, as she is having their family over. I told my daughter I would be happy to do it again but will have to do it on Monday as I have my therapy appointment on Tuesday and we leave for Boston on Wednesday. I said if this was ok with her, let me know. I could sure use the money again.

My therapist wants me to make a list of all my goals for next year. I think they are pretty much the same as I had hoped for THIS year, but what the heck? I am nearly certain I will be stuck here for at least another year and that isn't doing anything for my condition. But I have to think as positively as I can and remember that I am making a little money and that eventually I WILL have my own place again somehow. But I don' t have the patience I had when I was younger.....mainly  because I have NO idea how many more years of life....and good quality of life.....I have left. I miss my last home desperately. Even with all the work that needed to be done to it, it was a palace compared to this place.

Owner's son just told me he is going to sneak out later to catch Star Wars. No problem....owner and I should both be asleep.

One more week till I see New England again. No snow but at least it will be a more fun Christmas than last year. I just wish I could look forward to the New Year.....right now I am afraid of what might come.

The song of the day is I Believe in Father Christmas by Greg Lake. Its one of my favorite contemporary Christmas songs. Its pretty....its haunting. A little like me.

A Day Not Like Any Other Day

I tend to have more bad days than good days but today was a good one for a few reasons.

I felt determined to be productive so I set up my Christmas crafting supplies on the kitchen table (which the aide graciously cleaned up for me) and I made one of my Christmas night lights for a gift. It came out nice and I decided to give it to the aide. She was thrilled. I plan on making 2 more....one for my daughter and one for my therapist. But I only bought ONE light at the craft store. I swore I bought 3 but I only found one so Friday I have to go back to the craft store and get a couple more.

My bed was also delivered today and thought it would be sitting in the garage till next week when I was going to attempt to assemble it. One of the owners sons-in-law stopped by to put up the Christmas tree and saw me with the boxes. He said if I would decorate the tree after he put it up, he would put my bed together. Well, I jumped at that. Took him less than 2 hours to do it and I was THRILLED! I now have a real bed...not a mattress on the floor. I can get up off it easily and it has 2 drawers that I already put my sheets in. I am looking forward to a good night's sleep for the first time in many months. Another step toward normalcy.

Got a $100 gift card from my oldest brother for Christmas. I will buy myself something nice with it. Not sure what yet but there are plenty of things I can choose from. Or I may save it until I go to Boston so I have a little extra spending money. Either way, its all good.

My therapist was pleased to see my changed demeanor today in our session. I told her all the good things that happened today and she told me to keep on trying to stay busy and be positive. I will do my best but she also reminded me that I probably won't hear a decision on my SSI appeal until May of 2017! A lot will happen between now and then.

But I am NOT going to worry about that now. I have to concentrate on being HAPPY, especially with Christmas around the corner. I still have to try and finish my daughter's wreath and the other gifts.

My daughter got a new cat and he is cool! Yellow orangish fur with green eyes. Daughter called me and asked me about names. After I joked around a bit I suggested Maize....the word for corn. .She liked it and I was happy to have helped out. Maize reminds us both of another cat we had....very affectionate and confident. She said when she got him home and opened the carrier, he walked out like he owned the place and started exploring. The last cat she had hid under her bed for 3 days. He loves to be pet and head butts you for attention. My daughter said it looks like he is going to fit right in to her life. She is SO lucky.

I want a CAT so much!

Today's song is Step Into Christmas by Elton John. My daughter's favorite Christmas song, in honor of her birthday today. I like the song too. Little victories mean a lot. I hope mine continue.

All Dressed Up

After my day alone with the owner, I was ready to get out and get cleaned up for the weekend. So I packed my bag again and headed off to the gym to shower. I took along a new top and fairly new jeggings. And my Elvis.

My what, you ask? My Elvis. Ron bought it for me several years ago. I saw it at a Swarovski store marked down....although even marked down it wasn't cheap. But I totally fell in love with it and Ron being Ron, he got it for me. Now if you think I am carrying around some little figure of Elvis, let me show you my Elvis....

Not exactly sure WHY he is named Elvis unless his facial expression is supposed to resemble the legendary rocker. All I know is I love this little guy. He is covered in amethyst colored crystals with amethyst wings and his body parts all move. He is the cutest little fellow....about an inch and a half tall, hanging from a pretty ball chain. I usually only wear him when I wear something purple or lavender, which I did today. I am always afraid I am going to lose one of the crystals or something but so far he is in perfect shape.

Swarovski was one of Ron's favorite things. He had a yearly membership with them and every year he gave me the free members gift for Christmas. But he got me other pieces from them too. I have a Winnie the Pooh and a Piglet, a rose and an angelfish, a pair of kingfishers and a teddy bear holding a poinsettia. Right now they are all packed away with the rest of my stuff in Boston. Someday I hope I can display them again. Ron told me they should be behind glass but I will be happy to eventually see then again one day.

Anyway, I looked pretty sharp today although I did my share of crying over Ron. But I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and I wanted to look decent for a change. He gave me a new prescription to add to the Fluvox....a drug called Propanolol. Although its main use is for hypertension, it is strangely enough used for situational anxiety. I am not supposed to take it chronically but just when I need it. So we'll see if it helps. A lot of people online seem pleased with the results they've had.

I never got this room I am stuck in straightened up......really need to do that. My bed arrives next Wednesday.....hope I can assemble it properly. Picked up some more crafting supplies for the gifts I want to make. I also found a little resin figure of 2 Cardinals. I love cardinals and Ron knew that. This figure was all on its own and wasn't damaged like a lot of the stuff I am seeing. And as I stood in the store holding it, I wondered if this was a sign from Ron. Anyway, I bought it and found out it was on sale.....marked down from $12.99 to $5. I plan on incorporating it into some kind of display when I have my own place to decorate for the holidays. But for now, its just a pretty little figurine....

That's about it for now. Today's song is Run, Run, Rudolph...I seem to be hearing not only the original version by Chuck Berry but covers by various artists lately. But its a fun song and great to dance to. Sometimes I miss dancing.

Here We Go Again!

Its a neverending roller coaster for me, of anxiety and emotions and worry and somehow I have to try and rise above it and move forward. First step has been accomplished.

Saw my therapist yesterday. Told her about my denial letter. She immediately told me I needed to hire a lawyer. She said she worked with one in the past who had successfully won cases for her clients. I decided to take a chance. She called the lawyers office and arranged for them to call me today.

The lady was pleasant enough....asked me general questions about my various mental conditions and then told me she would present my case to her boss, the lawyer. She told me it would take at least 24 hours but an hour later, she called back and said they were going to take my case. Now the good thing about all this is that these guys only get paid if they win so they don' t take cases they feel are a lost cause. So at least that's a good thing.

But now the fun begins...ha, ha! They will be sending me a packet of forms to fill out and I have to send them copies of my  ID, SS# and copy of the rejection letter. I should get the packet by the end of the week. And I am pretty certain that I will have to see a Dr. and probably a neurologist to confirm my having Tourettes. The thoughts of all this already has my stomach in a knot. And even when all the info is put forward and the appeal is heard, it takes at least 18 months for a decision. Still, the lawyer does most of the work and he gets 1/3rd of my retroactive payments or about $8,000 when all is said and done, assuming he wins my case.

I see my psychiatrist on Friday....and I am not sure if my meds will change or not. Probably not. But I sure wish there was something I could take for the situational anxiety I am dealing with.  Oh well.

Today's song is Linus and Lucy by Bill Melendez. Yesterday was the 50th anninversary of A Charlie Brown Christmas. My daughter and I went to see The Peanuts Movie last Saturday (her treat!) and I really enjoyed it....especially in the theater's reclining seats. If you like Peanuts, go see it.

Happy Thanksgiving....and You've Been Denied

So I got the letter I was expecting......and I was unceremoniously told I don't qualify for disability. Seems as long as I can do simple tasks, I can work. So, fine.....let THEM get me a job I can do where I don't sit there freaked out of my mind. 

I did my crying....I am not going let my holiday be ruined. I did call my son with the news....he told me he would get to together with my daughter in law and work out the next move. My daughter tells me not to worry....that they will think of something. And all I can do is look forward to living in this place until the owner ends up in a home. And THEN what? 

But the anxiety meds seem to be helping....I haven't had a total meltdown. But I am sad....and feeling like a complete pathetic loser. I am so ashamed about this whole situation that I am not going to tell the rest of my family about my being denied. 

Tomorrow will be Thanksgiving at my brothers. I picked up some inexpensive champagne and cranberry juice. I also got some fancy bread my sister in law wanted at the Wegmans....it was SO crowded, I was ready to have a panic attack. I grabbed the bread, checked out and hightailed it back to my SUV, where I sat for several minutes to calm myself. No one understands this part of me. Sure I look normal....can even ACT normal. Its other things that make it nearly impossible to live like a normal person. Do they think I LIKE being like this? That its FUN? 

That's all I can write this time. The song for today is What I Am by Edie Brickell. Sometimes I wonder what I am. Happy Thanksgiving, fellow Americans.

You Do Hairdo?

Got my hair done today and boy did I need it. I can only afford to get it done properly every 6 months and I actually waited a bit longer this time as I last got it done in April. Its a lot shorter than I am used to but my hair grows pretty fast so I am ok with it. My stylist is really good....she spends a lot of time on me and I never leave disappointed. I also had her wax and dye my eyebrows as well. I look a LOT better!

No anxiety today, which is good since I have had it pretty consistently for the last couple weeks. But tomorrow is my day with the owner. Still, its only one day and its going to rain so its a perfect day for being indoors anyway,

This has been cat day. I was visiting my daughter this afternoon (dropping off an extra bed pillow I had for her) and she told me how she was hearing a cat in the house. I wanted to make a joke about her cat haunting the house, but thought better of it. About an hour later, my ex came home and shortly afterward said he heard a cat and, oddly enough, so did I. The sound stopped but a short time later, it happened again. My ex went down into the basement and, lo and behold, there WAS a cat down there. Now this cat had been trapped in the basement for nearly a WEEK with no food or water. He looked ok but we had to scare him out of the back room where the furnace is. It ran out and jumped up onto the window ledge, then jumped down onto the built in shelf and behind the tv. We left him there to calm down and left food and water. I am hoping he will hang around and be a pet for my daughter, but we'll see. And when I got back here, the aide told me she saw a cat hanging around the house....she also gave it food and water and is hoping it will turn into a pet. But that's up to the cat....they adopt YOU, not the other way around. But it sure would be nice to have a cat.

I got another letter from the state of NJ about my disability claim. Said they have been trying to contact the mental health clinic with no response and I MUST have them get in touch with their office. So I told the receptionist about it and gave him the letter. He told me he would call yesterday and would call me. Think he did that?....NOOOOO. So I am not going to get upset....I have done all I was told as far as this disability claim is concerned. Its up to them now.

Good news to add! I am going to Boston to be with my kids for the Christmas holiday! I found out they have been planning this. I wish they had told ME about it but my daughter told me I should have assumed I would be going. I learned a LONG time ago never to assume anything but I have 2 terrific kids and I should have expected they wouldn't let me be alone for Christmas. I will get to COOK a holiday meal! I am SO looking forward to that. Not yet sure if I will be going up with my daughter or taking a bus or train. She told me I was welcome to go with her. Will have to think about it....I have time.

I got the money my oldest brother sent to me...that will take care of my car insurance and phone bill. I am ok for money for another month, thank goodness!

Tomorrow I am going to try and tackle straightening up this bedroom. Not sure what I am going to do with everything but I will figure something out. Its getting me depressed just looking at it.

I used to think I was crazy when there were times I couldn't sleep and I would make up stories in my head to stop the convoluted thoughts that kept me awake....kinda like reading except its your own book. Its been working again and I found out that OTHER people do the same thing. Not crazy after all. I have been making up mystery stories....the current one is a murdered blackmailer. The wrong person is being accused. I have to find the REAL murderer. :)

Today's song is Hair by the Cowsills. Mine is no longer flowing and there are no birds nests in it but at least its mine. :)