Am I Not Worthy?

One of the worst obsessions I have right now (and a major anxiety creator) is my limited financial resources. I have been trying to budget my meager funds.....they may have to last me for a year or more! I do consider myself fortunate to have my oldest brother helping our a bit with a little money every month....he has been a godsend and has been keeping me from crashing and burning. But today I got a shock and a surprise.

The owner's son came up to me this morning and handed me a wad of money. He said it was from his sister.....part of my severance pay. I thought they had given me what they termed "severance pay" when it was determined that the owner wouldn't be returning home. I took the money to my room and counted it....$700! I immediately sent a text to the sister asking to explain. She said they had intended to give me that money all along but the money was tied up in legal stuff and they were just now able to get it. I immediately said I couldn't accept it but she insisted. I started to cry and thanked her. She said now I could out and shop.....ha,ha! Not really....that money will keep me from panicking for a few months, that's for sure! I am more grateful than I can say. Despite everything, they have been very kind to me.

And yet, a part of me wonders if I deserve it? Oddly enough, after I got the money, I immediately thought of Ron.....and was he looking out for me? I keep holding onto that. That he IS out there. I have been a great believer in angels for years.....maybe more so than God. All I really know is that that money has me feeling better right now than all the medication in the world could do for me.

I am not sure if I ever mentioned that I save quarters.....just quarters. It started when I was with Ron. I bought one of those digital banks and started putting all my spare change in it. Every day when Ron would come home from work he would deposit one quarter in it. When the jar was full, we would take it to the bank and cash it in. Then I started only putting quarters in it (the rest of my change goes in another jar for my granddaughter) along with him. And I continue to do it. I have close to $200 in quarters in it and will take it to my brother soon to cash in.....my bank doesn't have a cash counting machine and I don't feel like wrapping them up. I also have an Ad Sense account with Google. It only gets me about $100 a year but its free money and I can't complain about that.

I got the paperwork in the mail to reapply for my welfare benefits. Filled it out and have already put it in the mailbox. I asked my DIL if she would be my primary contact in case I had a problem communicating with their office and she was happy to agree. So that will help in case of an emergency.

And on another positive note, I straightened up and organized half this bedroom. The other half will be done, too.....I promised myself.

Today I count the good things I have and set aside the bad. Every day I can do this is a victory for my soul. And I must accept the good and know I AM worthy. My song is Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin. It should be my mantra.....I hope it will be one day!

Then and Now

I never really knew what life could be like until I got divorced. The divorce and the aftermath was a nightmare.  But once I let go of the crap, a whole new world opened up for me. Some of which I am, upon reflection, not real proud of. But it was MY life, to do as I wanted for the first time.....and if anyone got hurt, it was me. I did things I never dreamed I would. I went to swing clubs....I swam in the nude in the Caribbean and vacationed at a nude resort....I saw Auchwitz.

But I was fortunate.  I met a man who didn't care about my issues. I guess mine weren't as bad as his previous girlfriend.....she was a kleptomaniac. Now I am not talking about Ron.....he was a hermit and we rarely went anywhere. But before him was my fiancée. He was very intelligent and well travelled. He wanted to share all that with me and I was thrilled to be able to do it. But he died 2 years after I met him and it was the second time I had to pick up the pieces of my life and start again. I did it....but I was younger and my mother was still alive and I had a place to go to regroup. I took classes, I spent more time with my kids and after about a year I started dating again.  And I met Ron. And although he was nothing like my fiancée, he was sweet and a total gentleman.....he treated me like a queen. And more importantly, he loved me. And the better I got to know him, the more I realized he was a man who found it very hard to love anyone. After 3 failed marriages and a broken engagement, I suppose his family knew it too.

But then he was gone....and there was no safety net. No parent to move in with. ...no money coming in. And my spirit was broken. ....the anxiety I had suffered for decades had ballooned as I aged and I couldn't pick up the pieces as I had in the past. Those pieces are scattered all over and I can't put them back together yet. I want to, but I can't do it alone this time. But I don't want a man.....not now. And no man would want me like this.....that I know. I don't like myself like this so I need to wait until I do. I can't live in the past, but that doesn't mean I will ever forget it. In some ways, it's all I have left.

My song today is Bookends by Simon and Garfunkle. Sad and sweet. ....like me.

Post Valentines Day

I can't believe its been weeks since I posted. I had intended to write more often but, let's face it, my life isn't exactly brimming with exciting events. So what's been happening?

The owner is still in the hospital but supposed to be transferred to some new facility for ventilator patients. She had a tracheotomy done so she doesn't have a tube coming out of her mouth anymore. But she can't eat now and must be fed through a tube. Don't know how long this will last.

I now have more different meds than I have ever had in my life. I am NOT a meds person....don't like having to take them. So now I have Fluvox, Clonidine, Inderal, and Prozac. I am allowed to play around with the dosages to see what works. Since the full dose of thee Clonidine had uncomfortable side effects for me, I was told to take half a pill. So I took one and a half of the Inderal and 1/2 of the Clonidine. I am a little thirsty but no where near as much as I was with the whole pill and it isn't making me sleepy. But it isn't doing anything for my Tourettes which the whole pill did. I am getting frustrated and since the Dr. is going to be away in March, I don't get to see him again till April. Guess I will survive till then.

The winter is tough for me. I have been more uncomfortable than usual going out to run errands. I went food shopping and from the moment I walked in the market I wanted to walk out. I couldn't WAIT to leave. I was an anxious mess the whole time. Forgot some things so had to go to another market to get those. I never mind shopping when I am with someone but alone I dread it. I used to go food shopping with Ron every Saturday morning and even though the people made me nervous, having him near kept me more reassured. I miss him every day, even after a year. I talk about him a lot with family but I think they don't really care now. They figure its been over a year now....ancient history. But he will always be a part of my life. But I digress. I like the winter because I have fewer hot flashes but I feel trapped here and all I do is watch tv in this bed and play on the computer. I can't go shopping anymore.....what money I have left I have to use for bills since I am not getting paid anymore. I did do some cleaning jobs and that helped a little but I can't rely on that money really, as it is not regular. But my brother is still helping with a little money now and then. I have to do a little thinking about my finances and maybe consolidate some of my credit cards.

Valentines Day was not the greatest although I did spend a little time with my daughter. But she was so tired that she fell asleep so I drove her home and she took a nap and I went back to my brother's house where I stayed for the weekend, and packed up my stuff to leave. A nice change but too short a time.

Today was my granddaughter's third birthday. I ordered her a gift from Amazon but she probably wont get it till next week. My fault....I kept procrastinating. But she is still a baby and won't care. I had a couple gifts I bought last year but the more I thought about it the more I realized she needs to be a little older. Maybe next birthday or Christmas.

I am still crocheting a bit. I was making a scarf but I can't find it. I was working on it at a Super Bowl party and I am SURE I took it with me when I left but its disappeared. That made me so mad...looked everywhere for it. I also misplaced my ring I got from my mother....the one my father gave her on their 30th wedding anniversary. I took it off at my brothers house when I was putting on some hand cream and when I went to put it back on it was nowhere  to be found. My mind is going....I just know it. I can't remember ANYTHING anymore.  :(

On a more upbeat note, I decided that I want to make a coffee table out of those wooden crates you can find in the craft stores. I got one at JoAnn Fabrics with a 40% off coupon. I am going to buy one at a time with a coupon so I can get them as cheap as possible. All I need are 4 crates, a piece of plywood cut to size, some wood screws and a set of 4 casters for the bottom so I can move it around. Its pretty easy to make but I might ask for a little help when the time comes. Don't know when I will be getting out of here, but I will get the crates and the screws and the casters ahead of time. When I am ready to build it, I will get the plywood and stain (or paint if I feel that's better).

Speaking of getting out of here, I got a call from SS and wanted me to call them back. I told my therapist and she told me to call him....right there in the office. I told her that she knew I couldn't do that but she told me to call. So I did. I talked to the guy for about a minute when I began to feel a panic attack coming on....I started to hyperventilate and cry and I said I couldn't do it. So my therapist took the phone and talked to the guy. She told him who she was and that I was having a panic attack. They talked for a couple minutes while I sat there trying to calm myself down. When she hung up with him, she told me that was a good conversation. She wanted him to know what was going on wit me and she thinks he understood my problem. Don't know if it will make a difference but at least someone SAW me have a panic attack.....that I am NOT faking it. I felt vindicated. And that felt good

Weekend before last I also spent at my brothers house and my SIL asked if I wanted to go with her to look at dresses?....she has a wedding in June to attend. So I said sure and we went to Dress Barn. I had no reason to buy anything, I just wanted to look. Well, we walked in and right by the door she sees this black lace dress and thinks its perfect. She gets her size and I see another dress behind the one she is looking at. It was white with a large black flower print. I thought it was really cute. She liked it too but they didn't have her size. They did have MY size, however, and she told me I should try it on. So I said ok...what the heck?? I wasn't going to be buying a dress but I was curious as to what it would look like on me. So after SIL picked out a couple more dresses and tops, we both got dressing rooms and tried on our stuff. I have never liked trying on dresses because I always look awful in them, Well, I looked GREAT! I was SO shocked that I looked good in this dress. The style was perfect for my figure. But the real test was sitting down. So I sat on the bench and it felt fine. I hear my SIL telling me to show her so  I opened the door and she and the store manager were standing there and they both said how good the dress looked on me. I said I agreed. My SIL then said that if I wanted it, she would get it for me for an early birthday present. I was thrilled! So I got the dress and its hanging up on a hook on the wall, I have NO idea when I will have an occasion to wear it but if I have one, I am prepared. Just can't gain any weight. Would be helpful if I could lose 10 pounds.

Past time for bed. Tomorrow I have to go to the gym and get a shower and I have my therapy appointment. But it should be better weather. Its been miserable the last several days. I need some sunshine. So there's my song.....Good Day, Sunshine by the Beatles. Hope spring comes soon!

That's Snow Business

A major storm is about to blanket our area with over a foot of snow....closer to 2 feet. So I did what most people do....I went to the grocery store. I never used to do that but I have never been in the position where I had to totally rely on myself. I didn't need much.....how much can one old lady eat?

But I did a stupid thing. I forgot where I put my food stamp card so when I got to the checkout I couldn't find it. And I nearly panicked. But I remembered I did have enough cash to cover the $47 total. But that was my spending cash....and now its gone.

I did find the card when I got in the car.....I bought a new wallet and I put the card in this nearly hidden pocket and forgot about it. I immediately moved it to where I see it when I open the wallet. But I least I didn't lose it.

Anyway, I am now prepared for the next few days of hunkering down and braving the blizzard. I even remembered to pull my windshield wipers up away from the glass so they don't stick....last time I forgot, I broke the wipers when I turned them on.

My oldest brother sent a little money to me for bills again....that helps ease my mind a bit. I am ok for another month.

And I was able to do laundry at my ex's house yesterday....he told me I was welcome to use his washer whenever I wanted. That's helpful, too.

I decided to try the Klonopin the Dr. prescribed. And it worked GREAT! My anxiety was lessened....my heart rate was slower. And, for the first time in my life, my Tourettes was much better controlled.....I hardly had any tics! It did make me sleepy but I can handle that. What I COULDN'T handle was the excessive thirst and my tongue feeling like some alien creature was in my mouth as well as the horrible taste. I drank and drank and drank but the thirst continued.....for EIGHT hours! I was miserable. So that's that....I will have to speak to the office and see if there is a similar medicine that wont have the same side effects. Let's hope so because it really did help otherwise.

The song for today is One by Three Dog Night. I hope I can find some way to pass these lonely days in other ways than worrying about what's next.

A Letter to Everyone

Dear ___________ (insert your name here)

I was going to go out today to pick up my new meds (Dr. is putting me on Clonopin to see if that helps with panic attacks) but as it is with a lot of days, I simply don't feel like going out. Since I have to go out tomorrow....have a therapy appointment....it can wait. In the meantime, I feel like writing a little on my laptop, which I haven't used much for the past several weeks because its usually a lot easier to use my tablet. But I do like my laptop....I should for $1,200 dollars. And I need to use it more for that reason.

I consider myself a pretty savvy computer user for a senior, but yesterday I felt SO dumb.

I have a pretty decent WiFi printer that Ron bought me several years ago and used to be able to print with it from all my devices.....laptop, tablet and phone. But I always believed that you had to hook the printer up with an ethernet cable to your router to access the network. I was able to do that at the condo but here the router is in the owner's son's room....not accessible to me. So if I wanted to print anything, I would hook the printer cable up to my laptop. A pain, but doable.

While I was visiting my son, someone purchased a wireless printer. All they did was plug it in and set it up and anyone could print wirelessly I thought that was pretty cool.....and why couldn't I do that with MY printer? So yesterday I got to thinking and I went onto Google and looked for info on my printer and, wouldn't you know, there was a video showing exactly how to set it up for wireless printing. You get the printer to find the network, punch in the router passcode and your done.

Now I can print wirelessly from my laptop as well as my phone and tablet. Ain't technology great? My brain? .....not so much. You learn something new......or old, in this case..... all the time.

I have to recommend a certain app.....not because I get anything for doing so but because the darn thing just WORKS! Its the Printer Share app. You do have to pay for the key....$12....but once you have it, you can print from anything. I had NO luck using the software that came from my printer when was at the condo so when I found the Printer Share app and read the reviews, I decided to try it. Worked right off so I bit the bullet and boughtt the key. You can use the key on all your devices and its a one time cost. Totally worth it if you do a lot of printing and have trouble getting your wireless devices to work with your printer.

Decided to make mashed potatoes yesterday since there was about 5 pounds of potatoes just sitting in the kitchen with the potential to rot. Not the best thing to eat when you are a diabetic but I am eating other good stuff with them like good vegetables and meat. There are quite a bit of leftover potatoes so I will have them for several meals. I don't do a lot of cooking here due to the lack of things to cook with....not to mention having to buy water to cook with. So I buy a lot of food that just needs heating in the microwave. Can't WAIT to have my own kitchen again.

One thing I DO like about the cold weather is that when I go to the garage to grab an iced tea from the case, its already colder than the fridge can make it. I have to have my drinks COLD....I gag on anything room temperature. Not sure where THAT came from but....

I now have 2 free magazine subscriptions....one for Food Network and one for Martha Stewart Living. I got them both from online offers. Sometimes junk mail can be worth it. I prefer print media to online when it comes to books and magazines. Will be sorry to see them disappear....I know its going to happen eventually.

So, the song for today is Changes by David Bowie. He will be missed.

I think that is all for the moment. Keep smiling....I am trying too.

Love,

Me

The Veil of Uncertainty

Things have been happening here since I was gone. First, the owner is back in rehab and will NOT be coming back. The family is making preparations for her to enter a nursing home. Yesterday, some family members were going through paperwork looking for legal documents for owners lawyer. They need to get executive power of attorney so they can get things started. The son said he would keep me posted.

So the good news is, no more having to worry about watching the owner. That means I am free to do what I want, pretty much. The bad news is no more money....I was given a final pay and that's it. I do have some money saved but I have no idea how long things will take to progress. I will have to move out, which is the thing that has me the most concerned. I have no real control over where I will go since I wont be footing the bill for it. Apartments are not cheap....even BAD ones. My major concern is my safety....I will be living alone and don't want to end up a target. And if I end up near my son, I will no longer have a vehicle. I will be isolated....alone....with no way to get around. I may as well live out of my car. 

Yes, I am anxious....maybe sound defeatist. Its not intentional but I am scared and I just want to not be scared anymore. I am trying to remember what my daughter told me.....at least I didn't have to look after the owner anymore. Which is a HUGE relief. Still its been a year since I came here and these 4 walls are closing in on me. 

There is something that concerns me more than anything. I love my kids and I know they love me. But do they respect me? How can you possibly respect someone who is such a loser? I would give ANYTHING to not be this way. But that's not going to happen. But I would feel SO much better if I knew my kids respected me somewhat. I would feel like more of a parent than I do right now, instead of a leech. 

We all have to play the hand we are dealt. And I am doing my best to do that. I started working on an afghan that I started for my son and his wife 18 montha ago. I hope to finish it in the next week or so. I have the time, if nothing else. And I really DO want to give it to them....I know they will love it.

Today's song is Help! by the Beatles. The lyrics really hit home right now. 

Railroad Blues

I am on a train passing through Connecticut on my way back to PA. I get off in Phily where my daughter (who just called me) will be picking me up. I am trying to be calm but I have to make my way to the restroom soon and I have never been in a train restroom. So why am I anxious? Just another unfamiliar thing I have to navigate and all that stuff gives me anxiety.

This is only my second time on a train in my life. The first time was in 1969 when I was 14....it was a class trip to Washington. It was fun then...lots of wood in the cars and we had dinner in the dining car. I even remember what I had....roast beef. Now all I care about is that when the time comes I can get off this thing with the 2 bags and purse before they start up the train again.

If you have ever been on a train, you have probably noticed that the view out the windows of a train are pretty depressing. Run down old buildings, construction sites, electrical wiring, rusting things, grafitti. The only interesting stuff so far are the waterways....you can see some wildlife (birds). Its not like flying....that is much more fun.....at least to me it is. Inside the car here, some people are sleeping and some are on their computers (like me). I guess years ago, before cell phones and laptops, people just read. Don't see anyone doing that.

Ok....this will be short. I really need to hit the restroom now. Wish me luck.

Today's song is The City of New Orleans by Arlo Guthrie. The connection to my journey is obvious.