New Beginnings?

 After the old guy in my life left, I was getting depressed really quickly. So I decided to try again on a dating site. I was on for a few weeks when I started chatting with a man nearby....a 78 year old widower of 3 years. He sounded very nice, so he asked if we could meet? He asked me out to lunch at a place nearby, and I met him there. We had a very nice time....nice conversation. Wasn't sure though. But I told myself to give it time. He asked me out again for dinner and told me to pick the place. I chose a nice restaurant nearby....didn't realize how "nice" it was, as I had never been there before. I felt a little uncomfortable when we got there, and I saw the prices. He ordered a drink, and I ordered a glass of Riesling...my favorite wine. He ordered the twin lobster tails, which were $80, so I decided to take his lead and got a 14-oz. filet for $75. We had 2 drinks each and got dessert to go. I know the bill had to be at least $200 plus tip, but he raved about how much he loved the place and the food! So I was relieved.

Then he asked me if I wanted to go to a casino nearby. I hadn't been in a casino in years, but I said sure. So we got there, and he chose a couple of slot machines, and we sat down. He then took a bill out of his wallet and put it in my machine. I thought it was a $20...but when I saw the balance, it was $100. I got nervous...I just wanted to NOT lose his money. We played those machines for a little while until I was down to about $60, then we tried another set of machines. I lost more and was down to about $20. So we moved on to another set of machines. There, he opened his wallet again and put another C note in the slot. Now I was really nervous, but I was determined to start winning something. Well, THIS machine was better. I started winning. I got up to $248, and I should have stopped there because then I started losing again. I told myself, Ok....when you get to $200, stop, and he will get his money back. So, I stopped at $200.06. We went to Chickie and Pete's and had a sandwich, then cashed out. I handed him the $200, and he said, keep it....that's your winnings. I said I only won 6 cents, but he said, don't sweat it....put it in your purse. I wasn't sure I should...I felt guilty. But I did as he asked. I have to admit to being grateful....that $200 will be helpful. I have to take the dog to be groomed next week, and not having to charge it is a big deal. I will put the $100 bill away for something else.

We are going to the movies on Saturday. Not exactly a movie I want to see, but I knew the one I WANTED to see he wouldn't like. So I compromised a bit....Solo Mio...which didn't get good reviews and sounds like a very formulaic romance movie. Oh well....I will have to go see Avatar on my own.

My feelings are mixed. It was obvious from his actions and his words that he is attracted to me and likes me. I like him, but I told him I need time....I can't just jump into anything so soon. He understood and told me that if he does anything I don't like to tell him. But I don't want to hurt his feelings. He said he was nervous...he hasn't been with a woman since his wife died 3 years ago, and I told him I haven't been with a man in 6 years. Still, I have to be guarded. I don't want to get hurt again. He is a bit of a "diamond in the rough," as the phrase goes. I am not a snob, but it's tough when I speak in normal language, and he doesn't always understand, or he can't think of words, and I kinda fill them in for him. He is mildly physically disabled (he uses handicapped placards when parking) and walks slightly haltingly, but that's not an issue. Our ages are really the main thing we have in common. I will have to wait and see how things go. If we start running out to things to talk about or share, it may not be what either of us wants. I will be cautiously optimistic. But I have to admit I was feeling a little bit horny thinking about how it could be. Horny.....at 71 years old. I guess I am not dead yet. 😄

And I also have to admit to liking being spoiled somewhat. I haven't had that happen since Ron was alive. I was used to being poor for the last several years, accepted my fate, and adjusted to the situation. This man isn't rich, but he isn't poor either. He is retired from the military and the civil service, and he gets Social Security. He owns his house, so no mortgage, and he just bought a new car. I expect NOTHING, but I won't turn down any generosity. I have my pride, but I am not afraid to swallow it on occasion. And he likes my apartment....and my dog, so that's points in his favor, too.

At least having him in the apartment gave me the push I needed to straighten up the place. I feel more comfortable now that things are more orderly....except for the spare room. That room will never be organized. And he was so kind to help me with a couple of things. I bought thermal sheers for my living room window, and he put them up for me. And he changed the filter in my HVAC.....bought and paid for the filters as well as vacuumed out the filter area, which was dusty. He also put the arms back on my stationary bike and helped me move it out into the living room so I can use it again. It was nice having the help of a man when I needed it....I do most everything on my own because I have had to, but there are some things I can't manage on my own.

The sheers on the window are a big deal...it helps with the drafts, and it looks SO nice...now the living room LOOKS like a living room. Plus, it's more private without shutting out the light, and I need the light. 

I guess that's most of what has been going on in my crazy world. Back to the Olympics.

Song? The first one that popped into my mind was "For All We Know" by the Carpenters. Because who knows?

What It Is

 Someone quoted that phrase to me yesterday. It always fits.

I actually forgot I even HAD this blog. Maybe I thought, because I am no longer in therapy, why bother?

I write for 2 reasons....the need to release the craziness in my head....and the thought that someone else might read it. Not expecting sympathy....hell, you can laugh if you want. 

Time does change things. The man I was seeing? Well....LOL...he is moving...and he is supposedly in love with someone else several states away and is moving in with her. He thinks I don't know. I am not stupid....he actively sought out someone he could flatter and woo, and he found one. So he is set now...he doesn't have to rent an apartment...he is taking all his stuff to her place, and he will live happily ever after? His track record is abysmal....2 divorces, cheated on 2 women (that I know of). And he's found another to be temporarily infatuated with....until he gets tired of her or she gets tired of him or he/she dies. But anyway, I couldn't care less. I still hang out with him as a "friend "on occasion until he's gone, and I will never see him again. The only regret I have is that I will be alone again, and the last thing I  want to do is go back on a dating site and look for another guy who turns out to be a loser. I was lucky twice in my life....maybe that's all I am entitled to. But my feelings for him are long gone....and that's a great thing!

He's taking me out to dinner tonight, as a payment for picking him up from the mechanic's place and taking him home, and that's fine. I can use him as easily as he used me. I thought MY self-esteem was bad....his is a LOT worse. His family lives around here...most of them anyway. But he doesn't care. I could never leave my family. He has many good qualities.....I couldn't have been with him at ALL if he didn't. But he has issues, and the women in his life end up as victims of his low self-worth. I don't know exactly when he is moving, but it doesn't matter. 

My daughter broke her leg and had a pin inserted. She is recuperating at my ex's because the bedroom in her apartment is 3 floors up and she can't get up them. I have gone over and helped her as much as I can. She is miserable, and I am hoping that when she goes back to the surgeon in a couple of days, he will put a boot on the leg, and she might be able to get around easier. Having her near has been a big boost to my mental health. 

But on the positive side, I started in earnest to lose weight, so as of a year ago last September, I am down 30 pounds! I still have 10 to go, and they will be the toughest to lose, but I am in no hurry. And as a result of the weight loss, I am OFF INSULIN!! No more shooting up 5 times a day! I only take oral meds now. It's SO liberating! I hardly know I am diabetic, except that I still use the CGM, which is a lifesaver. 

Another thing that has helped is doing the holiday shopping for my grandkids. My son gives me a $1,000 budget, and I have been good at choosing what they will like, even though I only see them twice a year. I love shopping with someone else's money. Makes Christmas so nice when you have kids to open presents!

That's enough for now. I am waiting to hear from the man so I can take him over to pick up his car. And oddly enough, I keep dozing off, and I can't do that. I  may remember to come back sooner next time.

Do I have a song? Good question. I can't think of one. I do want to get the new Beatles Anthology 4 CD... have the first 3. Its supposed to be good.

A Year....and Then Some

 Not sure what compelled me to think about this blog, but it popped into my head so I came here and I didn't realize it's been SO long since I posted anything. A lot can happen in a year +...and has.

I had 2 kidney stones.....one passed on its own in February but the second did not. From Memorial Day until the middle of August, I suffered...first with the stone and then with the surgery and the aftermath. I lost the entire summer...all I did was sit around and get fat and be depressed. I missed my vacation and spending time with my brother who was visiting from Japan. I never realized how awful a kidney stone could be....I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I still have my share of the hospital bill that Medicare didn't pay that I have to. I hope I never have to deal with any of that BS again!

Then in September, I totaled my SUV. I have NO recollection of how it happened,,,,.I have gone over and over it in my mind SO many times but I just don't know exactly, Thankfully, I hit a parked landscaping trailer so no one else was involved. All I got was a skinned knee but the car got it bad. I got the money from the insurance company but it's not enough to get another decent vehicle so I am saving for a new one. Will probably take another year because I can't finance a car on my own....I don't make enough money. So I am relying on my male friend/lover to take me to most places. I hate not having a car....I am not used to being this isolated. And it makes me have frequent panic attacks. Not fun,

I had to read my last entry to remind myself what I wrote so I could address some things. The man I was seeing I am still seeing. Is it a perfect situation? Not even close. But it's better than being totally alone. He has been really sweet in helping to take me places ....the grocery store, and such. But the most amazing thing he did was he bought tickets to see The Music Man in NY....not cheap! He also paid for the train to get to NY for us. I paid for lunch at Rosie O'Grady's (he paid the tip) and the subway which was only a couple dollars. Then he guided me around Manhattan and we saw the tree at Rockefeller Center and a few other sights. It was fun, exciting....just amazing! This is the kind of man he is. He said he wanted to do this for me because he knew how much I wanted to see that show. I will never forget the day.

But he is still with another woman and she stays with him part-time. It kills me inside. I tried to break it off but I was a total mess (he told me he was miserable, too). I couldn't handle it. I tried dating sites....only found scammers and players. So I took him back. I have been more content even though I wish for more. I can't help how I feel. I have never met anyone like him, nor am I likely to in the future.

Christmas is around the corner now and I am attempting to decorate the apartment to the nines.... the first time I have done that in a couple years. I want it to look special for my grandkids. It's like Christmas Town...LOL! I am just finishing up trimming the tree....the last thing to do. I have enough ornaments for TWO trees, but I will get them all on somehow. Then I have to clean up the boxes and stuff and wrap presents and I will be ready. My ex wants me to cook for his after-Christmas party as well as clean his house. I am not looking forward to that but I need the money. I just hope my back can take the strain. 

Maybe I will be back before another year passes. Maybe this coming year will be better....can't be much worse, that's for sure. Happy Gnu Year1

Only Human

 It's only been a couple weeks this time since I posted. And I feel better, although that wasn't true a week ago.

I am conflicted....to use a term used by a friend. I have never been one to interfere in the lives of others and I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions for the last couple of weeks. I have never experienced jealousy.....I have never wished for a relationship to fail....I have never had these feelings before in my life. But I guess you are never too old to feel something new.

I know I posted last time about a man whom I love and who loves me but is with someone else. There was an incident concerning his birthday....he expressed a desire to spend it with me and I was very happy. Well, that didn't happen. He decided to go see his son and also view a play in the same city being directed by a friend. I had no problem with this as family comes first. Well, seems it wasn't only family involved in the trip....he took his girlfriend. Now that might be just fine and dandy but it showed me that he basically lied. 

I confronted him about it, and he admitted that he should have been more honest with me about the trip. I realize that I have no hold on him but I also realize that if you tell someone you will do something with them and DON'T, that's misleading at best, and lying at worst. I was hurt...this was a man I trusted. We texted back and forth about the whole issue....my feelings....his feelings. Not much got resolved.

The next day I texted him to see if he still planned on going to a certain restaurant we had talked about together and he said yes. Then he texted me to see if I still wanted to see the new James Bond movie, which I did. So we made arrangements that he would pick me up in the morning for the noon matinee.

When he got to my apartment, we talked a little more and I told him that I felt he was changing the dynamic of our relationship. He said that he was not, but that he had been depressed for the last couple of days and that may have shown up in his texts. I understood, but I said if we were to continue our friendship, I couldn't worry about what I might say that would upset him. He said that I could tell him anything and that my feelings were certainly relevant, considering our relationship. So off we went to the movies. 

At the end of the film (I won't give any spoilers), I started to tear up. And as it ended, I was full-on crying.....and so was HE. He took my hand and held onto it. We sat there till the credits were over, then we left the theatre and he went and got me tissues from the men's room. And then he held me until I calmed down and held my hand till we got to the car. We talked in the car on the way home and he said the song at the end was what did it for him and how it related to our relationship. 

We got back to my apartment and talked some more about our feelings. And one thing led to another and we wound up in bed. It wasn't planned certainly, but it only served to confirm what we have been dealing with in our hearts. 

We have talked some more and although it's a not a perfect situation, we are going to continue to pursue our feelings and see what happens. I honestly believe that we are more compatible as a couple than he and the other woman he has been seeing. 

But I have noticed he has pulled back some....like he feels guilty. I will have to find out what is going on in his mind and if he now feels differently, it may mean the end of everything for us. I already told him I CAN'T be his pal/buddy. I love him and he loves me and to pretend otherwise is a lie I cannot accept.

What a situation! You'd think that at my age, things would get easier as far as relationships. Apparently not. But I am not desperate....if things don't work out for us, as difficult as it might be, I will accept it and move on. Only time will tell.

Blessings and Curses

 It's been quite a while and I hadn't actually planned to come back and write but I came here by accident so I figured, what the heck?

I won't go back and read much of what I last wrote...most of it is likely of little consequence now. So I will simply relate the current situation. 

It has been a little over 3 years since I got my apartment and I am very happy and content here. I probably went a little overboard with the furniture but I like it. I feel like it is home now, even though technically it's not mine. I think about the 10's of thousands of dollars that have already been spent to live here. If I could only have been able to buy a house with it. Still, it's mine to do with mostly as I please. And I like it that way. 

My social life has been up and down, but when hasn't it? I am not currently seeing anyone. I have a couple friends but no boyfriends. I did meet a guy yesterday that wants a physical relationship, but that is all. I might take him up on it. I am lonely for a warm body near mine. 

But I love someone who is with someone else. I know he loves me too, but he can't hurt her....only me. I could hope things don't work out for them but I can't count on that. So I keep looking but not very successfully. There are a LOT of scammers on dating sites now that weren't there years ago and I get them all the time. I have learned to spot a lot of them and those I am not sure of, I make sure I don't give them any personal information until I AM sure. But the pickings are slimmer the older I get. It's frustrating....and I am lonely.

Covid did a number on my weight....and my diabetes. I am on insulin now and trying to get my sugar under control. I am also trying to eat better but sometimes it's hard when you are lonely and depressed. I did lose a little of the weight....4 pounds....but I need to lose a lot more. 

I am trying to watch a movie....a Russian movie....as I type this. It's probably a good movie but I can't read the subtitles and type this....LOL! I may rewatch it at a later date. Russians make a lot of movies about the time of the revolution. 

I planned on making this entry very upbeat...I guess I should have waited until I felt that way first.

I guess the bottom line is I am fortunate to have a nice roof over my head, clothes on my back, and I am safe. Hopefully, I will write again sooner and be in a little more pleasant frame of mind.

I am lonely.

'``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

This is 2020

Another year here...another holiday over.

But I got most of my stuff down from Boston and I was able to decorate properly for the holidays. The place looked great....my tree looked awesome with all my ornaments on it. Some things were missing but my son has no idea what happened to them. I think they was stolen but there is nothing I can do about it. But now I am putting it all away and shoving it into the spare room because, at the moment, I have no other place to store it all. The craft room I so desperately wanted has become a storage room. So no crafting for awhile.

My love life has changed. I finally had the guts to step back from my last boyfriend, Steve. I told him how I felt and he basically disappeared. I cried, I swore, I was depressed. Until one day I said to myself, "What the hell are you doing? He doesn't love you and if he doesn't by now, he never will.... so move on." So I have. I had a talk with him and said that if he wanted to see me again the rules were changed. No more being exclusive....no more lousy sex. He agreed...and apologized for being a jerk. So we are basically friends. I still see my friend Jim and we have sex and its good. But I decided to go back on Match.com a few months ago. I was about to give up when I met someone.

It was in the beginning of December, just before my Match membership was about to be renewed (which I really couldn't afford) when I hit the like button of a guy that lives in the same town I do. He looked and sounded nice....and intelligent. I didn't hear anything for a while and figured he didn't "like" me but one day I got a message from him. His name was Randy. He liked my profile.....liked that I loved music. We arranged to meet one morning before he had to go to work at the diner. We spent about 2 hours talking and I could tell he liked me. I just didn't realize how much.

It was love at first date for him. He said he never felt like he did before with any other woman. I was shocked, to be honest, but flattered. However, it wasn't long before I began to feel smothered....we had only known each other about a week and he was all over me constantly. I finally broke down one afternoon and told him it had to stop. I told him I liked him but I wasn't in love with him and I didn't know if that was ever going to happen. I know he was disappointed but he said he understood and would try to dial it back, which he has been and which has been making me MUCH more comfortable in his company. He said it's not easy but he is willing to do whatever it takes because he doesn't want to lose me.

As I said, I have never been in this sort of situation before. I WOULD like this relationship to succeed but only time will tell. And I still have no desire to move in with anyone....I love my apartment and all the men I know have houses that I would never live in....old, dirty, in disrepair....and with no money to improve them. My apartment is nicer than ALL their houses. And I also love living in a place that is truly MINE.

But it has been nice having more companionship....someone to talk to. Someone to cuddle with who actually wants to cuddle with ME....and feels it. He isn't an type A personality like Steve, though....he is shy, sensitive and soft-spoken and has had issues with self-esteem, like me. He has been married twice, has 4 kids. One, a daughter, is out of wedlock. He doesn't speak of her much. But he has 3 sons by his first wife of whom he is very proud. One is going to be moving in with him this month and he is looking forward to having him there. He has 2 cats he dotes on....that's different. He is only separated from the second wife, though he promises me the marriage is over.....she left him for an old boyfriend.

Randy went with me to my brother's house for Christmas dinner. Although he is Jewish, he said he loves Christmas. And my brother surprised both of us by giving Randy a gift card for $25. He was visibly touched by that.

So I guess, for the moment, I have plenty of people to spend time with. I am hoping I won't ever have to go back on Match again.

Its late....I am tired. I need to fall into bed...alone. And that's ok. I am not TOTALLY alone....my dog sleeps with me. :)

Time Passes

Days go by like usual. Some good...some not so good.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But in my mind, there is always SOMETHING eluding me. Usually its companionship. Human companionship.

My Qamar is 10 months old now. He is a good dog. He is totally housebroken and he doesn't bother my stuff....never chewed shoes or furniture. Or at least not that I noticed. There were a couple times when I saw him chomp on the skirt of my sofa but he knows I don't approve despite the fact that it's a second-hand sofa and the previous owner must have had a pet (probably a cat) who tore part of the skirt, which didn't bother me. But I don't want it worse.

He is neutered and chipped and very food driven. But he is afraid of a lot of things including strangers and inanimate objects, which is why he doesn't seem interested in my stuff. I can leave my laptop or my charging cables on the floor and he doesn't touch them even when I am not here. He is even afraid of the basket I have his toys in. I am working on trying to get him a bit more social but once he gets to know you, he is very friendly. He even likes my ex. :D

But on the human side, the man I have been seeing....or not seeing much....is a concern. Loving someone should make you happy. Instead, I cry. I have been considering looking for a new partner. But I don't know. This man, when I am with him, is kind and caring and he looks out for me. And my issues don't bother him....or they don't seem to. I am not sure if I would get that lucky enough to find another man who will accept me that way. But he keeps telling me he will see more of me WHEN....when his son graduates from college (he did), when the son gets a job (he's working on that), when he retires (was supposed to be in September but has changed his mind because he wants MORE Social Security). When he told me that, I literally cried. He doesn't send me texts anymore to let me know he is thinking of me....he just doesn't seem to care unless he is physically with me. I am getting tired of waiting. I need more. As much as I love having my own place, I am tired of always being alone. You can talk to a dog, but they can't talk back. I am grateful to have Qamar, and he has helped me with my panic attacks. But I need the love of a human being.

And to make things even tougher, my daughter just moved and got an apartment with 2 other girls. I know she is very happy....I can imagine. She is 30 now and she shouldn't be living with her father. She is going to school for nursing and working as a med tech. She loves the city and all it has to offer. But I will miss her.

I got myself a sewing machine. I have been wanting one for a long time and I had gift cards saved so I didn't have to pay much out of pocket for it. I lost my crochet mojo....I did try to get back into it but it didn't work. So now I am trying sewing. I am going to make a grilling apron for the man I am dating and a teddy bear for my grandson. I just wish I had my crafting stuff down here.... it's still in my son's garage. The boyfriend says we will go in the middle of August but I am still not sure it's going to happen. He has said we were going SO many times and we never did. He says a lot of things that never happen. He is taking me to the ballgame tomorrow night...but the tickets are free and I am paying for the parking. He DID say he would take me out for a meal before the game but I would rather just have TIME with him....doesn't have to spend money on me. I have suggested lots of time free things we could do....he says he will work on it. But he doesn't.

Lost my medical insurance but hopefully, it's only temporary. I had to reapply for Medicaid since I turned 65 which screwed everything up. Will take a while to hear. Meanwhile, I have to cancel my psychiatrist and primary appointments this month.

I did join a fitness center which my brother is paying for. I workout on the strength machines and do the treadmill and there are also several pools although I mostly use the exercise pool and the BIG hot tub. Most of the people are older because it's not like a regular gym....people go there for physical therapy, too. It's not as cheap as a gym either but there are a lot of options.....lots of classes if you are interested and trainers to help you out if you need it. Its a beautiful facility and they supply most everything you need. They just upgraded the showers in the locker room...they are really nice. And they have towels and soap and shampoo, a sauna, a steam room....even a machine that spins your swimsuit nearly dry.

I had to get a supplementary a/c unit for my apartment which has been a huge help in keeping the place a bit cooler. I decided to put myself onto the economy billing for the electric so I don't have a HUGE bill for the next couple months. We are heading into a big heat wave for the next 7 days and it's going to be brutal.

And I just ordered an electric scooter for myself for no real reason other than it will be fun....and I need some fun. It was priced lower for Prime Day on Amazon and I had a $75 gift card I put toward it. And since I have an Amazon Prime Visa, I can spread out the payments over 12 months with no interest. That works. Looking forward to trying out my new toy.

My mind still hurts sometimes. I overthink things to the point where I give myself anxiety. Not fun. Sometimes I yell at people that aren't there because I can't yell at them when I am with them. Isn't that silly? But that's me.

I am not particularly a summer person. I still get hot flashes and night sweats. And my weight is up, although I AM trying to get it under control. I have to. I need to. It's getting harder to lose weight.

I needed to write. I needed to say something even if no one reads it. I am used to no one caring about what I say or feel. But I still have to say it....and feel it. I just wish that someone would listen....and care.

The song this time is.....ya know...I can't think of one that fits how I am feeling. I am sure there is one out there. So listen to it for me.