A Year....and Then Some

 Not sure what compelled me to think about this blog, but it popped into my head so I came here and I didn't realize it's been SO long since I posted anything. A lot can happen in a year +...and has.

I had 2 kidney stones.....one passed on its own in February but the second did not. From Memorial Day until the middle of August, I suffered...first with the stone and then with the surgery and the aftermath. I lost the entire summer...all I did was sit around and get fat and be depressed. I missed my vacation and spending time with my brother who was visiting from Japan. I never realized how awful a kidney stone could be....I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I still have my share of the hospital bill that Medicare didn't pay that I have to. I hope I never have to deal with any of that BS again!

Then in September, I totaled my SUV. I have NO recollection of how it happened,,,,.I have gone over and over it in my mind SO many times but I just don't know exactly, Thankfully, I hit a parked landscaping trailer so no one else was involved. All I got was a skinned knee but the car got it bad. I got the money from the insurance company but it's not enough to get another decent vehicle so I am saving for a new one. Will probably take another year because I can't finance a car on my own....I don't make enough money. So I am relying on my male friend/lover to take me to most places. I hate not having a car....I am not used to being this isolated. And it makes me have frequent panic attacks. Not fun,

I had to read my last entry to remind myself what I wrote so I could address some things. The man I was seeing I am still seeing. Is it a perfect situation? Not even close. But it's better than being totally alone. He has been really sweet in helping to take me places ....the grocery store, and such. But the most amazing thing he did was he bought tickets to see The Music Man in NY....not cheap! He also paid for the train to get to NY for us. I paid for lunch at Rosie O'Grady's (he paid the tip) and the subway which was only a couple dollars. Then he guided me around Manhattan and we saw the tree at Rockefeller Center and a few other sights. It was fun, exciting....just amazing! This is the kind of man he is. He said he wanted to do this for me because he knew how much I wanted to see that show. I will never forget the day.

But he is still with another woman and she stays with him part-time. It kills me inside. I tried to break it off but I was a total mess (he told me he was miserable, too). I couldn't handle it. I tried dating sites....only found scammers and players. So I took him back. I have been more content even though I wish for more. I can't help how I feel. I have never met anyone like him, nor am I likely to in the future.

Christmas is around the corner now and I am attempting to decorate the apartment to the nines.... the first time I have done that in a couple years. I want it to look special for my grandkids. It's like Christmas Town...LOL! I am just finishing up trimming the tree....the last thing to do. I have enough ornaments for TWO trees, but I will get them all on somehow. Then I have to clean up the boxes and stuff and wrap presents and I will be ready. My ex wants me to cook for his after-Christmas party as well as clean his house. I am not looking forward to that but I need the money. I just hope my back can take the strain. 

Maybe I will be back before another year passes. Maybe this coming year will be better....can't be much worse, that's for sure. Happy Gnu Year1

Only Human

 It's only been a couple weeks this time since I posted. And I feel better, although that wasn't true a week ago.

I am conflicted....to use a term used by a friend. I have never been one to interfere in the lives of others and I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions for the last couple of weeks. I have never experienced jealousy.....I have never wished for a relationship to fail....I have never had these feelings before in my life. But I guess you are never too old to feel something new.

I know I posted last time about a man whom I love and who loves me but is with someone else. There was an incident concerning his birthday....he expressed a desire to spend it with me and I was very happy. Well, that didn't happen. He decided to go see his son and also view a play in the same city being directed by a friend. I had no problem with this as family comes first. Well, seems it wasn't only family involved in the trip....he took his girlfriend. Now that might be just fine and dandy but it showed me that he basically lied. 

I confronted him about it, and he admitted that he should have been more honest with me about the trip. I realize that I have no hold on him but I also realize that if you tell someone you will do something with them and DON'T, that's misleading at best, and lying at worst. I was hurt...this was a man I trusted. We texted back and forth about the whole issue....my feelings....his feelings. Not much got resolved.

The next day I texted him to see if he still planned on going to a certain restaurant we had talked about together and he said yes. Then he texted me to see if I still wanted to see the new James Bond movie, which I did. So we made arrangements that he would pick me up in the morning for the noon matinee.

When he got to my apartment, we talked a little more and I told him that I felt he was changing the dynamic of our relationship. He said that he was not, but that he had been depressed for the last couple of days and that may have shown up in his texts. I understood, but I said if we were to continue our friendship, I couldn't worry about what I might say that would upset him. He said that I could tell him anything and that my feelings were certainly relevant, considering our relationship. So off we went to the movies. 

At the end of the film (I won't give any spoilers), I started to tear up. And as it ended, I was full-on crying.....and so was HE. He took my hand and held onto it. We sat there till the credits were over, then we left the theatre and he went and got me tissues from the men's room. And then he held me until I calmed down and held my hand till we got to the car. We talked in the car on the way home and he said the song at the end was what did it for him and how it related to our relationship. 

We got back to my apartment and talked some more about our feelings. And one thing led to another and we wound up in bed. It wasn't planned certainly, but it only served to confirm what we have been dealing with in our hearts. 

We have talked some more and although it's a not a perfect situation, we are going to continue to pursue our feelings and see what happens. I honestly believe that we are more compatible as a couple than he and the other woman he has been seeing. 

But I have noticed he has pulled back some....like he feels guilty. I will have to find out what is going on in his mind and if he now feels differently, it may mean the end of everything for us. I already told him I CAN'T be his pal/buddy. I love him and he loves me and to pretend otherwise is a lie I cannot accept.

What a situation! You'd think that at my age, things would get easier as far as relationships. Apparently not. But I am not desperate....if things don't work out for us, as difficult as it might be, I will accept it and move on. Only time will tell.

Blessings and Curses

 It's been quite a while and I hadn't actually planned to come back and write but I came here by accident so I figured, what the heck?

I won't go back and read much of what I last wrote...most of it is likely of little consequence now. So I will simply relate the current situation. 

It has been a little over 3 years since I got my apartment and I am very happy and content here. I probably went a little overboard with the furniture but I like it. I feel like it is home now, even though technically it's not mine. I think about the 10's of thousands of dollars that have already been spent to live here. If I could only have been able to buy a house with it. Still, it's mine to do with mostly as I please. And I like it that way. 

My social life has been up and down, but when hasn't it? I am not currently seeing anyone. I have a couple friends but no boyfriends. I did meet a guy yesterday that wants a physical relationship, but that is all. I might take him up on it. I am lonely for a warm body near mine. 

But I love someone who is with someone else. I know he loves me too, but he can't hurt her....only me. I could hope things don't work out for them but I can't count on that. So I keep looking but not very successfully. There are a LOT of scammers on dating sites now that weren't there years ago and I get them all the time. I have learned to spot a lot of them and those I am not sure of, I make sure I don't give them any personal information until I AM sure. But the pickings are slimmer the older I get. It's frustrating....and I am lonely.

Covid did a number on my weight....and my diabetes. I am on insulin now and trying to get my sugar under control. I am also trying to eat better but sometimes it's hard when you are lonely and depressed. I did lose a little of the weight....4 pounds....but I need to lose a lot more. 

I am trying to watch a movie....a Russian movie....as I type this. It's probably a good movie but I can't read the subtitles and type this....LOL! I may rewatch it at a later date. Russians make a lot of movies about the time of the revolution. 

I planned on making this entry very upbeat...I guess I should have waited until I felt that way first.

I guess the bottom line is I am fortunate to have a nice roof over my head, clothes on my back, and I am safe. Hopefully, I will write again sooner and be in a little more pleasant frame of mind.

I am lonely.

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This is 2020

Another year here...another holiday over.

But I got most of my stuff down from Boston and I was able to decorate properly for the holidays. The place looked great....my tree looked awesome with all my ornaments on it. Some things were missing but my son has no idea what happened to them. I think they was stolen but there is nothing I can do about it. But now I am putting it all away and shoving it into the spare room because, at the moment, I have no other place to store it all. The craft room I so desperately wanted has become a storage room. So no crafting for awhile.

My love life has changed. I finally had the guts to step back from my last boyfriend, Steve. I told him how I felt and he basically disappeared. I cried, I swore, I was depressed. Until one day I said to myself, "What the hell are you doing? He doesn't love you and if he doesn't by now, he never will.... so move on." So I have. I had a talk with him and said that if he wanted to see me again the rules were changed. No more being exclusive....no more lousy sex. He agreed...and apologized for being a jerk. So we are basically friends. I still see my friend Jim and we have sex and its good. But I decided to go back on Match.com a few months ago. I was about to give up when I met someone.

It was in the beginning of December, just before my Match membership was about to be renewed (which I really couldn't afford) when I hit the like button of a guy that lives in the same town I do. He looked and sounded nice....and intelligent. I didn't hear anything for a while and figured he didn't "like" me but one day I got a message from him. His name was Randy. He liked my profile.....liked that I loved music. We arranged to meet one morning before he had to go to work at the diner. We spent about 2 hours talking and I could tell he liked me. I just didn't realize how much.

It was love at first date for him. He said he never felt like he did before with any other woman. I was shocked, to be honest, but flattered. However, it wasn't long before I began to feel smothered....we had only known each other about a week and he was all over me constantly. I finally broke down one afternoon and told him it had to stop. I told him I liked him but I wasn't in love with him and I didn't know if that was ever going to happen. I know he was disappointed but he said he understood and would try to dial it back, which he has been and which has been making me MUCH more comfortable in his company. He said it's not easy but he is willing to do whatever it takes because he doesn't want to lose me.

As I said, I have never been in this sort of situation before. I WOULD like this relationship to succeed but only time will tell. And I still have no desire to move in with anyone....I love my apartment and all the men I know have houses that I would never live in....old, dirty, in disrepair....and with no money to improve them. My apartment is nicer than ALL their houses. And I also love living in a place that is truly MINE.

But it has been nice having more companionship....someone to talk to. Someone to cuddle with who actually wants to cuddle with ME....and feels it. He isn't an type A personality like Steve, though....he is shy, sensitive and soft-spoken and has had issues with self-esteem, like me. He has been married twice, has 4 kids. One, a daughter, is out of wedlock. He doesn't speak of her much. But he has 3 sons by his first wife of whom he is very proud. One is going to be moving in with him this month and he is looking forward to having him there. He has 2 cats he dotes on....that's different. He is only separated from the second wife, though he promises me the marriage is over.....she left him for an old boyfriend.

Randy went with me to my brother's house for Christmas dinner. Although he is Jewish, he said he loves Christmas. And my brother surprised both of us by giving Randy a gift card for $25. He was visibly touched by that.

So I guess, for the moment, I have plenty of people to spend time with. I am hoping I won't ever have to go back on Match again.

Its late....I am tired. I need to fall into bed...alone. And that's ok. I am not TOTALLY alone....my dog sleeps with me. :)

Time Passes

Days go by like usual. Some good...some not so good.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But in my mind, there is always SOMETHING eluding me. Usually its companionship. Human companionship.

My Qamar is 10 months old now. He is a good dog. He is totally housebroken and he doesn't bother my stuff....never chewed shoes or furniture. Or at least not that I noticed. There were a couple times when I saw him chomp on the skirt of my sofa but he knows I don't approve despite the fact that it's a second-hand sofa and the previous owner must have had a pet (probably a cat) who tore part of the skirt, which didn't bother me. But I don't want it worse.

He is neutered and chipped and very food driven. But he is afraid of a lot of things including strangers and inanimate objects, which is why he doesn't seem interested in my stuff. I can leave my laptop or my charging cables on the floor and he doesn't touch them even when I am not here. He is even afraid of the basket I have his toys in. I am working on trying to get him a bit more social but once he gets to know you, he is very friendly. He even likes my ex. :D

But on the human side, the man I have been seeing....or not seeing much....is a concern. Loving someone should make you happy. Instead, I cry. I have been considering looking for a new partner. But I don't know. This man, when I am with him, is kind and caring and he looks out for me. And my issues don't bother him....or they don't seem to. I am not sure if I would get that lucky enough to find another man who will accept me that way. But he keeps telling me he will see more of me WHEN....when his son graduates from college (he did), when the son gets a job (he's working on that), when he retires (was supposed to be in September but has changed his mind because he wants MORE Social Security). When he told me that, I literally cried. He doesn't send me texts anymore to let me know he is thinking of me....he just doesn't seem to care unless he is physically with me. I am getting tired of waiting. I need more. As much as I love having my own place, I am tired of always being alone. You can talk to a dog, but they can't talk back. I am grateful to have Qamar, and he has helped me with my panic attacks. But I need the love of a human being.

And to make things even tougher, my daughter just moved and got an apartment with 2 other girls. I know she is very happy....I can imagine. She is 30 now and she shouldn't be living with her father. She is going to school for nursing and working as a med tech. She loves the city and all it has to offer. But I will miss her.

I got myself a sewing machine. I have been wanting one for a long time and I had gift cards saved so I didn't have to pay much out of pocket for it. I lost my crochet mojo....I did try to get back into it but it didn't work. So now I am trying sewing. I am going to make a grilling apron for the man I am dating and a teddy bear for my grandson. I just wish I had my crafting stuff down here.... it's still in my son's garage. The boyfriend says we will go in the middle of August but I am still not sure it's going to happen. He has said we were going SO many times and we never did. He says a lot of things that never happen. He is taking me to the ballgame tomorrow night...but the tickets are free and I am paying for the parking. He DID say he would take me out for a meal before the game but I would rather just have TIME with him....doesn't have to spend money on me. I have suggested lots of time free things we could do....he says he will work on it. But he doesn't.

Lost my medical insurance but hopefully, it's only temporary. I had to reapply for Medicaid since I turned 65 which screwed everything up. Will take a while to hear. Meanwhile, I have to cancel my psychiatrist and primary appointments this month.

I did join a fitness center which my brother is paying for. I workout on the strength machines and do the treadmill and there are also several pools although I mostly use the exercise pool and the BIG hot tub. Most of the people are older because it's not like a regular gym....people go there for physical therapy, too. It's not as cheap as a gym either but there are a lot of options.....lots of classes if you are interested and trainers to help you out if you need it. Its a beautiful facility and they supply most everything you need. They just upgraded the showers in the locker room...they are really nice. And they have towels and soap and shampoo, a sauna, a steam room....even a machine that spins your swimsuit nearly dry.

I had to get a supplementary a/c unit for my apartment which has been a huge help in keeping the place a bit cooler. I decided to put myself onto the economy billing for the electric so I don't have a HUGE bill for the next couple months. We are heading into a big heat wave for the next 7 days and it's going to be brutal.

And I just ordered an electric scooter for myself for no real reason other than it will be fun....and I need some fun. It was priced lower for Prime Day on Amazon and I had a $75 gift card I put toward it. And since I have an Amazon Prime Visa, I can spread out the payments over 12 months with no interest. That works. Looking forward to trying out my new toy.

My mind still hurts sometimes. I overthink things to the point where I give myself anxiety. Not fun. Sometimes I yell at people that aren't there because I can't yell at them when I am with them. Isn't that silly? But that's me.

I am not particularly a summer person. I still get hot flashes and night sweats. And my weight is up, although I AM trying to get it under control. I have to. I need to. It's getting harder to lose weight.

I needed to write. I needed to say something even if no one reads it. I am used to no one caring about what I say or feel. But I still have to say it....and feel it. I just wish that someone would listen....and care.

The song this time is.....ya know...I can't think of one that fits how I am feeling. I am sure there is one out there. So listen to it for me.

Canine Therapy - Part Deux

Things are moving along here. But not as quickly as I would like. I still don't have any idea when my things will be brought down from Boston. I ordered a Christmas tree but for now, I have nothing to decorate it with. Would be rather pitiful to have a tree with only lights on it but I may have to face that.

However, tomorrow I go to pick up my ESA..... a 9-week old Maltese puppy....

I am SO excited and happy. I have named him Qamar which means "snow" in Arabic. I think it's a cool name and very unique. And I think he is totally adorable and he and I are going to have a lot of fun together. And he will keep me company and active and give me purpose....all of which I need. I was very lucky to find him and not too far away. Most breeders are either too far or have no puppies available and I can't wait for months...I have already waited as long as I can. Besides, Qamar is just perfect! He is friendly and active and happy and all the things a puppy SHOULD be. And he wasn't too expensive which is a problem with Maltese....they are rarer and therefore normally cost thousands of dollars. My son is paying for Qamar and that is VERY generous of him. I still have had to pay for all the things I need to care for Qamar....its like having another baby except this one already walks. :D But I think I have pretty much everything I need....now I just need HIM. Tomorrow night can't come soon enough....it's been a week since I met him.

I have been continuing to organize things here. I tore the closets apart and have been moving things around making more room. I bought storage racks for the spare room and have been organizing things into clear bins so I know what I have. I went through all my clothes and have a bag set aside for donation. I was able to get all my clothes into 2 flat bins and a plastic storage box with drawers....that emptied out 3 large bins! But I still need a dresser to fit the clothes I have for wearing....I did hang a lot in the closet but I don't trust the clothes rod.... it's bowing a bit from the weight. But I need a dresser anyway.

I know this blog has mostly been for relaying my mental journey and I may have neglected that a bit. But I think it means that things are getting better. I may never be totally "normal" but I am less depressed and anxious. I still have panic attacks but I hope they will lessen when Qamar gets here. I still see my psychiatrist once a month and talking helps....or I think it does. I still get wrung out when I am there....facing my issues gets harder and harder. But compared to where I was a year ago, things HAVE improved. I have a home of my own...,my physical independence if not my financial....soon to have puppy friend....the holidays are coming and there will be parties and family get-togethers. Its a great time of year.

Oh....and I have lost 10 pounds! My clothes fit better and I feel better, too. I still have 20 pounds to go but I will get there.

And I did finally get the money from the government. It's not as much as I would have hoped but it IS helping...especially with things I need in the apartment and for the puppy. And I splurged. I have always wanted to go see "The Nutcracker" ballet since I saw it when I was in my early 20's and got stuck sitting behind a POST! Well, I got balcony tickets with NOTHING to block my view. It wasn't cheap but its something I really want. My boyfriend is going to take me...we are BOTH looking forward to it. The performance is a month away. 

I plan on purchasing a couple more pieces of furniture for the apartment and then put whatever is left into an investment account. Not a fortune but hopefully it will gain a little and I will be able to use it for other things before I get too old.,,,,maybe even a trip somewhere.

Today's song is "I'm Gonna Buy Me a Dog" by the Monkees. Its a silly song but it kinda fits. :) I hope your Thanksgiving if you celebrate, is a happy one!

Canine Therapy

Its been busy since I last posted. There is always something to do in the apartment.

The curtains in the living room and dining room are up. I did have to do a little minor repair work on the walls...a couple holes that didn't work out, but I spackled and sanded and painted over them. I still have some pictures to hang and some more furniture to save up for....I need a bigger dresser desperately. I am currently using the dresser I had when I was 6 years old! And I need a little more seating in the living room...all I have is a second-hand sofa. And I still need a kitchen cart for things that won't fit in my cabinets...its a very small kitchen and the cabinets are small too.

I am starting the process of looking for an  ESA. I have a legitimate need for one unlike a lot of people who only use the discrimination policies to get their pets onto planes. I have been having panic attacks at night since I am totally alone. My psychiatrist thinks having a dog would be a great thing for me...it would not only keep me company but it would help with my social anxiety issues. But I have to be very particular....this is NOT a pet in the sense of the term. I need an animal that doesn't have psychological issues of its own....I can barely deal with MINE let alone a dog's. The dog will be here to help ME cope with MY problems so I can't take just any dog. I have started looking online at shelters but a lot of the ones that catch my eye have either psychological issues or medical problems. Its a shame but at my age AND with my financial situation, I need a relatively healthy animal. So a friend has offered to take me around to shelters to see what I can find. I will also inform staff of my needs so they can steer me toward an animal that will most likely fill them.

I got up the courage to go to a local ceramic shop and look around. I did have some anxiety....my stomach was a mess but I stayed long enough to get some information and even ordered a couple of small pieces to work on. I always enjoyed ceramics when I was a teenager and made a LOT of things, most of which broke over the years so I have very little left. I do have 2 of those light up Christmas trees...one that my mother made and one I made. They aren't cheap to make any more so I am glad I still have them.

Speaking of Christmas, I am still hoping to get the rest of my stuff down from Boston, including my Christmas stuff. I would like my apartment to look nice for the holidays but I have a LOT of decorations and they may not be enough room to keep them all here. That will have to be decided when I get up there to assess just how much there is and what I am going to do with it. The spare room is getting full and I still need space for my desk, craft table, and all my other things. Will most likely have to pare down again.

I think Fall is finally here. I am SO over rain and humidity. It's time for the leaves to change and break out the jeans again. I am ready!

Today's song.....Autumn Leaves by Nat King Cole. I prefer his version sung in French.