If you are my age or near, you remember that song. Can't remember who recorded it but I am too lazy right now to look it up...LOL! It's true right now. But let me catch you up on the past couple months.
First, I had my SSI hearing and according to the lawyer, it went very well. Not for me....I am was a mental mess and I had a panic attack part of the way through but the lawyer was very happy because the judge could see I was NOT faking anything. However, my lawyer told me that although I do fit the legal description of "disabled", the judge could STILL turn me down...because he can. If that happens, my lawyer said he would appeal again. I hope to heaven that isn't necessary because its a very upsetting, embarrassing and traumatic experience. Sure, it means an income of sorts, but its a LOT to go through for $750 a month and for only a couple years since when I hit retirement age, Social Security will kick in, courtesy of my ex-husband. But not all the evidence for my case has been submitted....my medical records from my other therapist and doctor have not been released and a subpoena has been issued for them. But other evidence is still being offered....my current psychiatrist has been really great and has been filling out forms sent to him by my lawyer AND the SS office. He said he will do anything that is asked of him so that I have the best chance of getting the benefits. He knows my condition warrants it.
So, yes....I now have a new psychiatrist....and he actually has a Ph.D. He is very nice and listens to everything I say and feels that he CAN help me but it will take a LONG time. He also told me I have the worst case of social anxiety disorder he has seen in a LONG time. And just as important, he takes my insurance.....which was the main stumbling block I was having in finding a psychiatrist. He said he may not be able to get me to a totally anxiety free state but he can help me realize a better quality of life. That works for me. He has already given me homework...ha, ha....telling me to take walks at the mall and be around people, which makes me rather nervous and anxious. I have done it a couple times but it's not easy. Still, its a process and I will do my best.
I am still at my ex's house and he has returned home....temporarily but he is still here for a month, then he will go back overseas for a few weeks and then come back home again. He has asked me twice already if I am on track to leave by June....and I want to smack him....but I keep telling him YES. Believe me, I don't want to be here. And I am now getting anxious with him here. He has started his looking for sex...I mean, a relationship....LOL! But he doesn't want to "lie" to anyone about me. FINE. He won't have to. I need to get out of here for my own sanity.
The holdup? The apartment I went to see in January. The landlord hasn't been able to prepare it for occupancy. Seems he was in the hospital with pneumonia due to complication from chemo. And since he does his own work, everything is on hold. My friend keeps in contact with him but if the place doesn't become available soon, I will have no choice but to walk on it and try someplace else. Time is ticking by and I want to start moving by the end of the month so I am out of here and settled by June. I feel bad for the man but I have a timetable and I must stick to it.
Now....to explain the title. You may remember (but I will refresh your memory) that I was seeing a guy for about 10 months before he dumped me in October. Well back in February, he suddenly texted me. I had an odd feeling that he MIGHT do that since I didn't do ANYTHING to warrant his attitude, and to be honest (and without tooting my own horn) I am a pretty nice person and can be a lot of fun. He asked me if he could see me to apologize....said he treated me pretty badly and could he take me out for drinks and we talk. Not being one to hold a grudge, I said ok. So he picked me one Sunday and we went out for drinks and snacks. And I pretty much lit into him with both barrels...but he was a man about it and told me it was ok, that he deserved it. However, I did a really DUMB thing. I took my meds and then I drank....2 drinks.....and I got SO SICK. I felt like I was gonna die. Well being the gentleman he always was, he took care of me. Got me out, got me to his place, laid me on the couch, covered me with a blanket and let me doze off. He DID have to take me home eventually but at least by that time I was able to walk better. I got to my room, pulled off my clothes and fell into bed. The next day my stomach was still a little off but Tuesday I was fine again. But he wasn't sure if we were ok and we texted after that. I told him that things could NOT go back to the way they were and he said he would do his best to change his behavior. We have been out a few times and he IS trying, which is good. He even came over to the house this afternoon to look at my car and brought antifreeze...seems I was pretty much out of that. The car seems ok now, thank goodness and he said he would like to see me on Monday (he is off work) and that's fine. But we have a "casual" relationship right now....he is free to date others and so am I.
Which leads me to the other lover. The guy I talked about in my last post. We decided to be friends with benefits. Now that is something I have never done before but it works for us. We like each other as friends and we enjoy each other in bed. And if there comes a time when either of us meets someone we want to be exclusive with, the sex will end but we will stay friends. That works for me....I love having a friend again. Someone to relax and be myself with.
As for the other gentleman I was emailing with, we are still emailing and still planning on meeting but unless his priorities change, which is looking more and more unlikely, I don't see that working out on a permanent basis. It will make me sad since this will be our last attempt to get together. I have decided that when I have my own apartment, I won't be at the mercy of any man. I won't have to worry about my housing situation and how it would affect a relationship. I can have a normal relationship with someone. And that is all I want.
More good news.....the credit card debt I had when all this started is HISTORY! I finally paid off the last of the credit cards, thanks to my brother. I am blessed to have him...without him, I don't know where I would be, literally. I sure hope he can come home soon. I really want to have him around.
SO things are starting to fall into place after nearly 3 1/2 years! It's still hard to believe it's been that long and I have endured. I had no choice and it hasn't always been smooth sailing but my life has never really BEEN smooth sailing. It's not over yet but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully, when I write next time it will be to say that I have my own place, am settled and I am truly LIVING my life instead of simply existing in it.
The song for this time is "Time for Livin'" by the Association. I want to feel that way every day for the rest of my life!
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