The Apartment

Good things come to those who wait....even if it takes years.

On June 8th, I moved into my own apartment. Now, for most people, this would not be much of a deal. But I am not most people, as is evident from my life as I have relayed it in this blog.

Its a 2 bedroom apartment. It has a large living room and a good sized master bedroom. The kitchen is small but functional. There are lots of closets and there is a washer/dryer in one of my bedroom closets. How convenient can you get? I did have to have the dryer fixed but now everything is working perfectly. It is on the 2nd floor but as long as I can climb stairs, I am content. It's not always easy to get things up the steps but I am coping. I still have to get my stuff that is being stored in my son's garage down here.

I keep walking around this place and I still can't believe it.....that this place is really MINE. The bedroom is mine...the kitchen is mine...even the freaking bathroom is mine! Everything in here is mine. I have my own internet service and a new, 4K tv with cable and I can watch whatever I want when I want. No more being shut up in a basement room like I should be ashamed of myself....no more feeling like a social freak or a total loser. I am FREE....and I feel normal. Or as normal as someone like me can feel.

But with a home of my own comes the responsibility. I have never lived on my own in all my 64 years. I lived with my parents, my ex-husband, my mother and 2 boyfriends. This is the first time I am on my own. I have to keep track of the bills and the maintenance and keeping things neat...not a major problem with someone who is as OCD as I am. But there is still anxiety that comes with independence. Most people get over this when they are in their 20's and have their first apartment. I never had that till now, so I am experiencing that.

Don't get me wrong. I am THRILLED to pieces with my new home and I hope to be here for a long time. But the responsibility sometimes feels overwhelming. I know I will get used to it the longer I am here. Thankfully, I have a lot of things to do....still unpacking and organizing things. Have to look for furniture...mostly in thrift stores so I don't spend a lot of money, as it's not mine to squander. But every day I get up and have something productive to do. I WANT to get up....not like before I moved here when all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day, miserable and depressed.

The not so good news I have had to face lately is that although I do medically qualify for SSI, I don't qualify financially because my brother kept me off the streets by paying my bills. Yeah. However, I can't let that get to me now. I have more happy things to think about. I don't know if my legal reps will appeal or not but I am leaving things in their hands. I have done all I was supposed to do....I am going to let their office take the next step.

My boyfriends are understandably very happy for me. And I can certainly understand that from all sides. They know how happy I am to finally be liberated but they also appreciate the fact that having my own place I can entertain THEM instead of them having to carry that responsibility themselves. Believe me, no one is happier than I about that. Neither of the gentlemen has neat, clean homes. But they are THEIR homes and they can have them as they see fit. But now I don't have to spend as much time in them. I already have laid down a very important rule. If you use my toilet, you lower the seat AND the lid before you flush. I think I have one of them trained.....the other still needs work....LOL!

And now I am 64...another birthday celebrated on Sunday. I got a $50 gift card from my oldest bro and a $100 check from my older brother. My daughter got me some flowers and a nice card. My son?....well, I didn't hear anything from him. I guess he figures he saw me a week ago so he doesn't HAVE to at least give me a call. I can't help feeling somewhat hurt. But what can I do? Not much.

So here I sit on my OWN sofa, watching my tv and typing this entry. Right now, life is good and I am enjoying it again. It was a long time coming but I have finally made it. There is still a part of me thinking this isn't going to last and that I will be back where I was a month ago. I hope that doesn't happen....I don't think I could handle that again.

The song for this entry? "Life is What You Make It" by Henry Mancini. One of my birthday cards contained that phrase. It seems appropriate.