Another year here...another holiday over.
But I got most of my stuff down from Boston and I was able to decorate properly for the holidays. The place looked great....my tree looked awesome with all my ornaments on it. Some things were missing but my son has no idea what happened to them. I think they was stolen but there is nothing I can do about it. But now I am putting it all away and shoving it into the spare room because, at the moment, I have no other place to store it all. The craft room I so desperately wanted has become a storage room. So no crafting for awhile.
My love life has changed. I finally had the guts to step back from my last boyfriend, Steve. I told him how I felt and he basically disappeared. I cried, I swore, I was depressed. Until one day I said to myself, "What the hell are you doing? He doesn't love you and if he doesn't by now, he never will.... so move on." So I have. I had a talk with him and said that if he wanted to see me again the rules were changed. No more being exclusive....no more lousy sex. He agreed...and apologized for being a jerk. So we are basically friends. I still see my friend Jim and we have sex and its good. But I decided to go back on Match.com a few months ago. I was about to give up when I met someone.
It was in the beginning of December, just before my Match membership was about to be renewed (which I really couldn't afford) when I hit the like button of a guy that lives in the same town I do. He looked and sounded nice....and intelligent. I didn't hear anything for a while and figured he didn't "like" me but one day I got a message from him. His name was Randy. He liked my profile.....liked that I loved music. We arranged to meet one morning before he had to go to work at the diner. We spent about 2 hours talking and I could tell he liked me. I just didn't realize how much.
It was love at first date for him. He said he never felt like he did before with any other woman. I was shocked, to be honest, but flattered. However, it wasn't long before I began to feel smothered....we had only known each other about a week and he was all over me constantly. I finally broke down one afternoon and told him it had to stop. I told him I liked him but I wasn't in love with him and I didn't know if that was ever going to happen. I know he was disappointed but he said he understood and would try to dial it back, which he has been and which has been making me MUCH more comfortable in his company. He said it's not easy but he is willing to do whatever it takes because he doesn't want to lose me.
As I said, I have never been in this sort of situation before. I WOULD like this relationship to succeed but only time will tell. And I still have no desire to move in with anyone....I love my apartment and all the men I know have houses that I would never live in....old, dirty, in disrepair....and with no money to improve them. My apartment is nicer than ALL their houses. And I also love living in a place that is truly MINE.
But it has been nice having more companionship....someone to talk to. Someone to cuddle with who actually wants to cuddle with ME....and feels it. He isn't an type A personality like Steve, though....he is shy, sensitive and soft-spoken and has had issues with self-esteem, like me. He has been married twice, has 4 kids. One, a daughter, is out of wedlock. He doesn't speak of her much. But he has 3 sons by his first wife of whom he is very proud. One is going to be moving in with him this month and he is looking forward to having him there. He has 2 cats he dotes on....that's different. He is only separated from the second wife, though he promises me the marriage is over.....she left him for an old boyfriend.
Randy went with me to my brother's house for Christmas dinner. Although he is Jewish, he said he loves Christmas. And my brother surprised both of us by giving Randy a gift card for $25. He was visibly touched by that.
So I guess, for the moment, I have plenty of people to spend time with. I am hoping I won't ever have to go back on Match again.
Its late....I am tired. I need to fall into bed...alone. And that's ok. I am not TOTALLY alone....my dog sleeps with me. :)
Friday, January 10, 2020
Monday, July 15, 2019
Time Passes
Days go by like usual. Some good...some not so good.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But in my mind, there is always SOMETHING eluding me. Usually its companionship. Human companionship.
My Qamar is 10 months old now. He is a good dog. He is totally housebroken and he doesn't bother my stuff....never chewed shoes or furniture. Or at least not that I noticed. There were a couple times when I saw him chomp on the skirt of my sofa but he knows I don't approve despite the fact that it's a second-hand sofa and the previous owner must have had a pet (probably a cat) who tore part of the skirt, which didn't bother me. But I don't want it worse.
He is neutered and chipped and very food driven. But he is afraid of a lot of things including strangers and inanimate objects, which is why he doesn't seem interested in my stuff. I can leave my laptop or my charging cables on the floor and he doesn't touch them even when I am not here. He is even afraid of the basket I have his toys in. I am working on trying to get him a bit more social but once he gets to know you, he is very friendly. He even likes my ex. :D
But on the human side, the man I have been seeing....or not seeing much....is a concern. Loving someone should make you happy. Instead, I cry. I have been considering looking for a new partner. But I don't know. This man, when I am with him, is kind and caring and he looks out for me. And my issues don't bother him....or they don't seem to. I am not sure if I would get that lucky enough to find another man who will accept me that way. But he keeps telling me he will see more of me WHEN....when his son graduates from college (he did), when the son gets a job (he's working on that), when he retires (was supposed to be in September but has changed his mind because he wants MORE Social Security). When he told me that, I literally cried. He doesn't send me texts anymore to let me know he is thinking of me....he just doesn't seem to care unless he is physically with me. I am getting tired of waiting. I need more. As much as I love having my own place, I am tired of always being alone. You can talk to a dog, but they can't talk back. I am grateful to have Qamar, and he has helped me with my panic attacks. But I need the love of a human being.
And to make things even tougher, my daughter just moved and got an apartment with 2 other girls. I know she is very happy....I can imagine. She is 30 now and she shouldn't be living with her father. She is going to school for nursing and working as a med tech. She loves the city and all it has to offer. But I will miss her.
I got myself a sewing machine. I have been wanting one for a long time and I had gift cards saved so I didn't have to pay much out of pocket for it. I lost my crochet mojo....I did try to get back into it but it didn't work. So now I am trying sewing. I am going to make a grilling apron for the man I am dating and a teddy bear for my grandson. I just wish I had my crafting stuff down here.... it's still in my son's garage. The boyfriend says we will go in the middle of August but I am still not sure it's going to happen. He has said we were going SO many times and we never did. He says a lot of things that never happen. He is taking me to the ballgame tomorrow night...but the tickets are free and I am paying for the parking. He DID say he would take me out for a meal before the game but I would rather just have TIME with him....doesn't have to spend money on me. I have suggested lots of time free things we could do....he says he will work on it. But he doesn't.
Lost my medical insurance but hopefully, it's only temporary. I had to reapply for Medicaid since I turned 65 which screwed everything up. Will take a while to hear. Meanwhile, I have to cancel my psychiatrist and primary appointments this month.
I did join a fitness center which my brother is paying for. I workout on the strength machines and do the treadmill and there are also several pools although I mostly use the exercise pool and the BIG hot tub. Most of the people are older because it's not like a regular gym....people go there for physical therapy, too. It's not as cheap as a gym either but there are a lot of options.....lots of classes if you are interested and trainers to help you out if you need it. Its a beautiful facility and they supply most everything you need. They just upgraded the showers in the locker room...they are really nice. And they have towels and soap and shampoo, a sauna, a steam room....even a machine that spins your swimsuit nearly dry.
I had to get a supplementary a/c unit for my apartment which has been a huge help in keeping the place a bit cooler. I decided to put myself onto the economy billing for the electric so I don't have a HUGE bill for the next couple months. We are heading into a big heat wave for the next 7 days and it's going to be brutal.
And I just ordered an electric scooter for myself for no real reason other than it will be fun....and I need some fun. It was priced lower for Prime Day on Amazon and I had a $75 gift card I put toward it. And since I have an Amazon Prime Visa, I can spread out the payments over 12 months with no interest. That works. Looking forward to trying out my new toy.
My mind still hurts sometimes. I overthink things to the point where I give myself anxiety. Not fun. Sometimes I yell at people that aren't there because I can't yell at them when I am with them. Isn't that silly? But that's me.
I am not particularly a summer person. I still get hot flashes and night sweats. And my weight is up, although I AM trying to get it under control. I have to. I need to. It's getting harder to lose weight.
I needed to write. I needed to say something even if no one reads it. I am used to no one caring about what I say or feel. But I still have to say it....and feel it. I just wish that someone would listen....and care.
The song this time is.....ya know...I can't think of one that fits how I am feeling. I am sure there is one out there. So listen to it for me.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But in my mind, there is always SOMETHING eluding me. Usually its companionship. Human companionship.
My Qamar is 10 months old now. He is a good dog. He is totally housebroken and he doesn't bother my stuff....never chewed shoes or furniture. Or at least not that I noticed. There were a couple times when I saw him chomp on the skirt of my sofa but he knows I don't approve despite the fact that it's a second-hand sofa and the previous owner must have had a pet (probably a cat) who tore part of the skirt, which didn't bother me. But I don't want it worse.
He is neutered and chipped and very food driven. But he is afraid of a lot of things including strangers and inanimate objects, which is why he doesn't seem interested in my stuff. I can leave my laptop or my charging cables on the floor and he doesn't touch them even when I am not here. He is even afraid of the basket I have his toys in. I am working on trying to get him a bit more social but once he gets to know you, he is very friendly. He even likes my ex. :D
But on the human side, the man I have been seeing....or not seeing much....is a concern. Loving someone should make you happy. Instead, I cry. I have been considering looking for a new partner. But I don't know. This man, when I am with him, is kind and caring and he looks out for me. And my issues don't bother him....or they don't seem to. I am not sure if I would get that lucky enough to find another man who will accept me that way. But he keeps telling me he will see more of me WHEN....when his son graduates from college (he did), when the son gets a job (he's working on that), when he retires (was supposed to be in September but has changed his mind because he wants MORE Social Security). When he told me that, I literally cried. He doesn't send me texts anymore to let me know he is thinking of me....he just doesn't seem to care unless he is physically with me. I am getting tired of waiting. I need more. As much as I love having my own place, I am tired of always being alone. You can talk to a dog, but they can't talk back. I am grateful to have Qamar, and he has helped me with my panic attacks. But I need the love of a human being.
And to make things even tougher, my daughter just moved and got an apartment with 2 other girls. I know she is very happy....I can imagine. She is 30 now and she shouldn't be living with her father. She is going to school for nursing and working as a med tech. She loves the city and all it has to offer. But I will miss her.
I got myself a sewing machine. I have been wanting one for a long time and I had gift cards saved so I didn't have to pay much out of pocket for it. I lost my crochet mojo....I did try to get back into it but it didn't work. So now I am trying sewing. I am going to make a grilling apron for the man I am dating and a teddy bear for my grandson. I just wish I had my crafting stuff down here.... it's still in my son's garage. The boyfriend says we will go in the middle of August but I am still not sure it's going to happen. He has said we were going SO many times and we never did. He says a lot of things that never happen. He is taking me to the ballgame tomorrow night...but the tickets are free and I am paying for the parking. He DID say he would take me out for a meal before the game but I would rather just have TIME with him....doesn't have to spend money on me. I have suggested lots of time free things we could do....he says he will work on it. But he doesn't.
Lost my medical insurance but hopefully, it's only temporary. I had to reapply for Medicaid since I turned 65 which screwed everything up. Will take a while to hear. Meanwhile, I have to cancel my psychiatrist and primary appointments this month.
I did join a fitness center which my brother is paying for. I workout on the strength machines and do the treadmill and there are also several pools although I mostly use the exercise pool and the BIG hot tub. Most of the people are older because it's not like a regular gym....people go there for physical therapy, too. It's not as cheap as a gym either but there are a lot of options.....lots of classes if you are interested and trainers to help you out if you need it. Its a beautiful facility and they supply most everything you need. They just upgraded the showers in the locker room...they are really nice. And they have towels and soap and shampoo, a sauna, a steam room....even a machine that spins your swimsuit nearly dry.
I had to get a supplementary a/c unit for my apartment which has been a huge help in keeping the place a bit cooler. I decided to put myself onto the economy billing for the electric so I don't have a HUGE bill for the next couple months. We are heading into a big heat wave for the next 7 days and it's going to be brutal.
And I just ordered an electric scooter for myself for no real reason other than it will be fun....and I need some fun. It was priced lower for Prime Day on Amazon and I had a $75 gift card I put toward it. And since I have an Amazon Prime Visa, I can spread out the payments over 12 months with no interest. That works. Looking forward to trying out my new toy.
My mind still hurts sometimes. I overthink things to the point where I give myself anxiety. Not fun. Sometimes I yell at people that aren't there because I can't yell at them when I am with them. Isn't that silly? But that's me.
I am not particularly a summer person. I still get hot flashes and night sweats. And my weight is up, although I AM trying to get it under control. I have to. I need to. It's getting harder to lose weight.
I needed to write. I needed to say something even if no one reads it. I am used to no one caring about what I say or feel. But I still have to say it....and feel it. I just wish that someone would listen....and care.
The song this time is.....ya know...I can't think of one that fits how I am feeling. I am sure there is one out there. So listen to it for me.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Canine Therapy - Part Deux
Things are moving along here. But not as quickly as I would like. I still don't have any idea when my things will be brought down from Boston. I ordered a Christmas tree but for now, I have nothing to decorate it with. Would be rather pitiful to have a tree with only lights on it but I may have to face that.
However, tomorrow I go to pick up my ESA..... a 9-week old Maltese puppy....
However, tomorrow I go to pick up my ESA..... a 9-week old Maltese puppy....
I am SO excited and happy. I have named him Qamar which means "snow" in Arabic. I think it's a cool name and very unique. And I think he is totally adorable and he and I are going to have a lot of fun together. And he will keep me company and active and give me purpose....all of which I need. I was very lucky to find him and not too far away. Most breeders are either too far or have no puppies available and I can't wait for months...I have already waited as long as I can. Besides, Qamar is just perfect! He is friendly and active and happy and all the things a puppy SHOULD be. And he wasn't too expensive which is a problem with Maltese....they are rarer and therefore normally cost thousands of dollars. My son is paying for Qamar and that is VERY generous of him. I still have had to pay for all the things I need to care for Qamar....its like having another baby except this one already walks. :D But I think I have pretty much everything I need....now I just need HIM. Tomorrow night can't come soon enough....it's been a week since I met him.
I have been continuing to organize things here. I tore the closets apart and have been moving things around making more room. I bought storage racks for the spare room and have been organizing things into clear bins so I know what I have. I went through all my clothes and have a bag set aside for donation. I was able to get all my clothes into 2 flat bins and a plastic storage box with drawers....that emptied out 3 large bins! But I still need a dresser to fit the clothes I have for wearing....I did hang a lot in the closet but I don't trust the clothes rod.... it's bowing a bit from the weight. But I need a dresser anyway.
I know this blog has mostly been for relaying my mental journey and I may have neglected that a bit. But I think it means that things are getting better. I may never be totally "normal" but I am less depressed and anxious. I still have panic attacks but I hope they will lessen when Qamar gets here. I still see my psychiatrist once a month and talking helps....or I think it does. I still get wrung out when I am there....facing my issues gets harder and harder. But compared to where I was a year ago, things HAVE improved. I have a home of my own...,my physical independence if not my financial....soon to have puppy friend....the holidays are coming and there will be parties and family get-togethers. Its a great time of year.
Oh....and I have lost 10 pounds! My clothes fit better and I feel better, too. I still have 20 pounds to go but I will get there.
And I did finally get the money from the government. It's not as much as I would have hoped but it IS helping...especially with things I need in the apartment and for the puppy. And I splurged. I have always wanted to go see "The Nutcracker" ballet since I saw it when I was in my early 20's and got stuck sitting behind a POST! Well, I got balcony tickets with NOTHING to block my view. It wasn't cheap but its something I really want. My boyfriend is going to take me...we are BOTH looking forward to it. The performance is a month away.
I plan on purchasing a couple more pieces of furniture for the apartment and then put whatever is left into an investment account. Not a fortune but hopefully it will gain a little and I will be able to use it for other things before I get too old.,,,,maybe even a trip somewhere.
Today's song is "I'm Gonna Buy Me a Dog" by the Monkees. Its a silly song but it kinda fits. :) I hope your Thanksgiving if you celebrate, is a happy one!
Friday, October 12, 2018
Canine Therapy
Its been busy since I last posted. There is always something to do in the apartment.
The curtains in the living room and dining room are up. I did have to do a little minor repair work on the walls...a couple holes that didn't work out, but I spackled and sanded and painted over them. I still have some pictures to hang and some more furniture to save up for....I need a bigger dresser desperately. I am currently using the dresser I had when I was 6 years old! And I need a little more seating in the living room...all I have is a second-hand sofa. And I still need a kitchen cart for things that won't fit in my cabinets...its a very small kitchen and the cabinets are small too.
I am starting the process of looking for an ESA. I have a legitimate need for one unlike a lot of people who only use the discrimination policies to get their pets onto planes. I have been having panic attacks at night since I am totally alone. My psychiatrist thinks having a dog would be a great thing for me...it would not only keep me company but it would help with my social anxiety issues. But I have to be very particular....this is NOT a pet in the sense of the term. I need an animal that doesn't have psychological issues of its own....I can barely deal with MINE let alone a dog's. The dog will be here to help ME cope with MY problems so I can't take just any dog. I have started looking online at shelters but a lot of the ones that catch my eye have either psychological issues or medical problems. Its a shame but at my age AND with my financial situation, I need a relatively healthy animal. So a friend has offered to take me around to shelters to see what I can find. I will also inform staff of my needs so they can steer me toward an animal that will most likely fill them.
I got up the courage to go to a local ceramic shop and look around. I did have some anxiety....my stomach was a mess but I stayed long enough to get some information and even ordered a couple of small pieces to work on. I always enjoyed ceramics when I was a teenager and made a LOT of things, most of which broke over the years so I have very little left. I do have 2 of those light up Christmas trees...one that my mother made and one I made. They aren't cheap to make any more so I am glad I still have them.
Speaking of Christmas, I am still hoping to get the rest of my stuff down from Boston, including my Christmas stuff. I would like my apartment to look nice for the holidays but I have a LOT of decorations and they may not be enough room to keep them all here. That will have to be decided when I get up there to assess just how much there is and what I am going to do with it. The spare room is getting full and I still need space for my desk, craft table, and all my other things. Will most likely have to pare down again.
I think Fall is finally here. I am SO over rain and humidity. It's time for the leaves to change and break out the jeans again. I am ready!
Today's song.....Autumn Leaves by Nat King Cole. I prefer his version sung in French.
The curtains in the living room and dining room are up. I did have to do a little minor repair work on the walls...a couple holes that didn't work out, but I spackled and sanded and painted over them. I still have some pictures to hang and some more furniture to save up for....I need a bigger dresser desperately. I am currently using the dresser I had when I was 6 years old! And I need a little more seating in the living room...all I have is a second-hand sofa. And I still need a kitchen cart for things that won't fit in my cabinets...its a very small kitchen and the cabinets are small too.
I am starting the process of looking for an ESA. I have a legitimate need for one unlike a lot of people who only use the discrimination policies to get their pets onto planes. I have been having panic attacks at night since I am totally alone. My psychiatrist thinks having a dog would be a great thing for me...it would not only keep me company but it would help with my social anxiety issues. But I have to be very particular....this is NOT a pet in the sense of the term. I need an animal that doesn't have psychological issues of its own....I can barely deal with MINE let alone a dog's. The dog will be here to help ME cope with MY problems so I can't take just any dog. I have started looking online at shelters but a lot of the ones that catch my eye have either psychological issues or medical problems. Its a shame but at my age AND with my financial situation, I need a relatively healthy animal. So a friend has offered to take me around to shelters to see what I can find. I will also inform staff of my needs so they can steer me toward an animal that will most likely fill them.
I got up the courage to go to a local ceramic shop and look around. I did have some anxiety....my stomach was a mess but I stayed long enough to get some information and even ordered a couple of small pieces to work on. I always enjoyed ceramics when I was a teenager and made a LOT of things, most of which broke over the years so I have very little left. I do have 2 of those light up Christmas trees...one that my mother made and one I made. They aren't cheap to make any more so I am glad I still have them.
Speaking of Christmas, I am still hoping to get the rest of my stuff down from Boston, including my Christmas stuff. I would like my apartment to look nice for the holidays but I have a LOT of decorations and they may not be enough room to keep them all here. That will have to be decided when I get up there to assess just how much there is and what I am going to do with it. The spare room is getting full and I still need space for my desk, craft table, and all my other things. Will most likely have to pare down again.
I think Fall is finally here. I am SO over rain and humidity. It's time for the leaves to change and break out the jeans again. I am ready!
Today's song.....Autumn Leaves by Nat King Cole. I prefer his version sung in French.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Time For Living
I realize I haven't written since I moved into the apartment....nearly 2 months. So I figured it was time to add an entry.
With all the changes that have been happening for me, there are some others I need to face now....namely my weight.
I got on the scale the other day and I am up 10 pounds from this time last year. That's 20 pounds in 3 years. Doesn't sound like a LOT but I feel my clothes getting tight again and that scares me. So its time for some action.
I got on the scale the other day and I am up 10 pounds from this time last year. That's 20 pounds in 3 years. Doesn't sound like a LOT but I feel my clothes getting tight again and that scares me. So its time for some action.
I restarted at MFP....My Fitness Pal. If you have weight to lose and you have the determination, I totally recommend it. It's not a weight loss plan...its a place where you have your own plan and you incorporate it into their site by logging what you eat and how you exercise...what you do is up to you. I started there in 2012 and lost 50 pounds in 18 months. I have to admit I looked pretty good. But then Ron died and I went into a tailspin. I tried several times to restart but I couldn't do it....the mental demons were too strong. But a lot of that is behind me now and I feel I am ready to get serious. I know it won't be easy....it wasn't a cakewalk the first time but the longer you stick to it, the more likely you are to be successful. I am into my 3rd day and am doing well so far. One of the reasons I decided to write here was because I was getting cravings so I needed something to get my mind off of them and writing is great for that.
I do enjoy cooking and I made myself a pot roast tonight....it came out delicious and its very healthy, too. Here is my dinner....
Low in carbohydrates, which is what I strive for with my diabetes. Oh, yeah....that's another reason I need to lose weight....getting off those diabetes, cholesterol and blood pressure meds if possible. Anyway, having my own kitchen is nice but I still need the rest of my stuff that is in storage to help with that. But I also ran out of my food stamp money too, and I need more spices for cooking. It will have to wait till next month. In the meantime, I have a few things in the freezer I can whip up....and leftover pot roast.
Next week the plan is to finally go to pick up my stuff in storage. My one boyfriend is actually going to take a few days off, drive up to my son's house, pick up a trailer to hitch onto his Tahoe and haul all my stuff home. When we get it here, I am not sure exactly how we are going to get it all up here but my brother from Japan is home for a visit (YAY!) and I know he will help, too. As long as the weather cooperates we might be able to handle it. But its a LOT of stuff and it is going take me time to go through it all. I will probably get rid of some things and donate others. But it will feel good to have it all here with me again.
My brother also said he would help with a bookcase I bought from a second-hand store....its still sitting at the store because I can't get it here by myself. The boyfriend said he would help with that, too. With any luck, I may have this place organized by the holidays and that would be special.
I also started doing some crafting and crocheting again. I found an $8, drop leaf table at a thrift store so I bought it and refinished it. Here is the before....
And here it is after....
I am pretty proud of myself....its exactly what I needed in my little eat-in kitchen. The chairs were mine from my old dining room set so they didn't cost anything. I did have to buy a sander, the paint, the stain and the paste wax but it was worth it.
I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and he commented on the fact that I seem to be calmer...less fidgety... and asked if I thought seeing him once a month might be acceptable for now and if I feel the need we can go back to bi-weekly. I said that sounded fine so I won't see him until the 30th.
The only major concern I have now is money, of course. I have to be very careful as most everything is going to bills. I have NO idea when I will get anything from Social Security so I have to budget for everything. I just paid the cable bill and I will pay the electric bill next. Then the car insurance is due and then the phone bill.....sigh....
And I do get lonely sometimes. I DO get out and I see my boyfriends once a week or so but when I am here alone sometimes, I get a little sad. I want a pet SO badly but I am not sure if its practical. My psychiatrist seems to think I would do well with a pet and I agree. But its more money.....rent goes up and then there is a deposit. Will have to wait for now.
Rain is in the forecast....again. We can't seem to shake it. I sure am ready for fall. I am tired of night sweats and hot flashes. But it's going back up into the 90's again next week. I hope its cooler in New England....that's where my stuff is.
I think that is most everything for now. The song this time is "Time For Living" by the Association. Very upbeat and hopeful....the way I pretty much feel. How time can change your life!
Thursday, June 21, 2018
The Apartment
Good things come to those who wait....even if it takes years.
On June 8th, I moved into my own apartment. Now, for most people, this would not be much of a deal. But I am not most people, as is evident from my life as I have relayed it in this blog.
Its a 2 bedroom apartment. It has a large living room and a good sized master bedroom. The kitchen is small but functional. There are lots of closets and there is a washer/dryer in one of my bedroom closets. How convenient can you get? I did have to have the dryer fixed but now everything is working perfectly. It is on the 2nd floor but as long as I can climb stairs, I am content. It's not always easy to get things up the steps but I am coping. I still have to get my stuff that is being stored in my son's garage down here.
I keep walking around this place and I still can't believe it.....that this place is really MINE. The bedroom is mine...the kitchen is mine...even the freaking bathroom is mine! Everything in here is mine. I have my own internet service and a new, 4K tv with cable and I can watch whatever I want when I want. No more being shut up in a basement room like I should be ashamed of myself....no more feeling like a social freak or a total loser. I am FREE....and I feel normal. Or as normal as someone like me can feel.
But with a home of my own comes the responsibility. I have never lived on my own in all my 64 years. I lived with my parents, my ex-husband, my mother and 2 boyfriends. This is the first time I am on my own. I have to keep track of the bills and the maintenance and keeping things neat...not a major problem with someone who is as OCD as I am. But there is still anxiety that comes with independence. Most people get over this when they are in their 20's and have their first apartment. I never had that till now, so I am experiencing that.
Don't get me wrong. I am THRILLED to pieces with my new home and I hope to be here for a long time. But the responsibility sometimes feels overwhelming. I know I will get used to it the longer I am here. Thankfully, I have a lot of things to do....still unpacking and organizing things. Have to look for furniture...mostly in thrift stores so I don't spend a lot of money, as it's not mine to squander. But every day I get up and have something productive to do. I WANT to get up....not like before I moved here when all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day, miserable and depressed.
The not so good news I have had to face lately is that although I do medically qualify for SSI, I don't qualify financially because my brother kept me off the streets by paying my bills. Yeah. However, I can't let that get to me now. I have more happy things to think about. I don't know if my legal reps will appeal or not but I am leaving things in their hands. I have done all I was supposed to do....I am going to let their office take the next step.
My boyfriends are understandably very happy for me. And I can certainly understand that from all sides. They know how happy I am to finally be liberated but they also appreciate the fact that having my own place I can entertain THEM instead of them having to carry that responsibility themselves. Believe me, no one is happier than I about that. Neither of the gentlemen has neat, clean homes. But they are THEIR homes and they can have them as they see fit. But now I don't have to spend as much time in them. I already have laid down a very important rule. If you use my toilet, you lower the seat AND the lid before you flush. I think I have one of them trained.....the other still needs work....LOL!
And now I am 64...another birthday celebrated on Sunday. I got a $50 gift card from my oldest bro and a $100 check from my older brother. My daughter got me some flowers and a nice card. My son?....well, I didn't hear anything from him. I guess he figures he saw me a week ago so he doesn't HAVE to at least give me a call. I can't help feeling somewhat hurt. But what can I do? Not much.
So here I sit on my OWN sofa, watching my tv and typing this entry. Right now, life is good and I am enjoying it again. It was a long time coming but I have finally made it. There is still a part of me thinking this isn't going to last and that I will be back where I was a month ago. I hope that doesn't happen....I don't think I could handle that again.
The song for this entry? "Life is What You Make It" by Henry Mancini. One of my birthday cards contained that phrase. It seems appropriate.
On June 8th, I moved into my own apartment. Now, for most people, this would not be much of a deal. But I am not most people, as is evident from my life as I have relayed it in this blog.
Its a 2 bedroom apartment. It has a large living room and a good sized master bedroom. The kitchen is small but functional. There are lots of closets and there is a washer/dryer in one of my bedroom closets. How convenient can you get? I did have to have the dryer fixed but now everything is working perfectly. It is on the 2nd floor but as long as I can climb stairs, I am content. It's not always easy to get things up the steps but I am coping. I still have to get my stuff that is being stored in my son's garage down here.
I keep walking around this place and I still can't believe it.....that this place is really MINE. The bedroom is mine...the kitchen is mine...even the freaking bathroom is mine! Everything in here is mine. I have my own internet service and a new, 4K tv with cable and I can watch whatever I want when I want. No more being shut up in a basement room like I should be ashamed of myself....no more feeling like a social freak or a total loser. I am FREE....and I feel normal. Or as normal as someone like me can feel.
But with a home of my own comes the responsibility. I have never lived on my own in all my 64 years. I lived with my parents, my ex-husband, my mother and 2 boyfriends. This is the first time I am on my own. I have to keep track of the bills and the maintenance and keeping things neat...not a major problem with someone who is as OCD as I am. But there is still anxiety that comes with independence. Most people get over this when they are in their 20's and have their first apartment. I never had that till now, so I am experiencing that.
Don't get me wrong. I am THRILLED to pieces with my new home and I hope to be here for a long time. But the responsibility sometimes feels overwhelming. I know I will get used to it the longer I am here. Thankfully, I have a lot of things to do....still unpacking and organizing things. Have to look for furniture...mostly in thrift stores so I don't spend a lot of money, as it's not mine to squander. But every day I get up and have something productive to do. I WANT to get up....not like before I moved here when all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day, miserable and depressed.
The not so good news I have had to face lately is that although I do medically qualify for SSI, I don't qualify financially because my brother kept me off the streets by paying my bills. Yeah. However, I can't let that get to me now. I have more happy things to think about. I don't know if my legal reps will appeal or not but I am leaving things in their hands. I have done all I was supposed to do....I am going to let their office take the next step.
My boyfriends are understandably very happy for me. And I can certainly understand that from all sides. They know how happy I am to finally be liberated but they also appreciate the fact that having my own place I can entertain THEM instead of them having to carry that responsibility themselves. Believe me, no one is happier than I about that. Neither of the gentlemen has neat, clean homes. But they are THEIR homes and they can have them as they see fit. But now I don't have to spend as much time in them. I already have laid down a very important rule. If you use my toilet, you lower the seat AND the lid before you flush. I think I have one of them trained.....the other still needs work....LOL!
And now I am 64...another birthday celebrated on Sunday. I got a $50 gift card from my oldest bro and a $100 check from my older brother. My daughter got me some flowers and a nice card. My son?....well, I didn't hear anything from him. I guess he figures he saw me a week ago so he doesn't HAVE to at least give me a call. I can't help feeling somewhat hurt. But what can I do? Not much.
So here I sit on my OWN sofa, watching my tv and typing this entry. Right now, life is good and I am enjoying it again. It was a long time coming but I have finally made it. There is still a part of me thinking this isn't going to last and that I will be back where I was a month ago. I hope that doesn't happen....I don't think I could handle that again.
The song for this entry? "Life is What You Make It" by Henry Mancini. One of my birthday cards contained that phrase. It seems appropriate.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
SSI
SSI.....Supplemental Security Income.
And I finally got medical approval....YAY!!!
Another obstacle to my normal life hurdled!
But that doesn't mean it's all over yet. Now I have another interview.....financial, this time. To make sure I have no income or big bucks lying around. That's on Friday. I will be a mess, again, but hopefully, it won't last long. I have all the paperwork I need....I think....but will offer nothing unless asked for it. My brother composed a letter stating he has been giving me money to support me so I have that as well as bank statements. I hope they don't ask about retirement, as I don't have any information about that and I am not at retirement age anyway.
I will be moving in 10 days. Tomorrow, I have to hand in my security deposit and first month's rent as well as proof of renters insurance and utility account number. Again, I hope that all goes as planned....I want that to be ready. I have done SOME packing but I have to do more. Just haven't had the mojo to do it with everything else on my mind.
But I will have help with the move. My gentleman friend Steve has arranged to rent a truck for the day which should be plenty of time to get everything...or most everything...out of here. My bed will be a priority....I want to be able to sleep in my new place right away.
Then arrangements have to be made to bring the rest of my stuff down from Boston. Steve said he would help me with that, too. We have a couple options but have not settled on a definite plan. But I can't WAIT to have all my stuff with me again!
Its been nearly 3 1/2 years since this whole nightmare started and it looks like it MIGHT just be coming to a close. I can only hope. I am the queen of Murphy's Law so I can't relax until things are actually settled.
I am still seeing 2 men....Steve as a steady boyfriend and Jim as a friend with benefits. I had to let go of Alan. Seems he was having doubts and couldn't come out and tell me. Took 9 months for him to figure this out? He caused me more tears than I deserved. He said his life is a mess....well, I sympathize but I can't do much for him if he can't even see me. So many times we planned to meet and something came up. I was not important to him....and if he wanted to make his life better, he would have tried. I was as kind as I could be but I told him that I was getting MY life together and if he couldn't (or wouldn't) do the same, I couldn't hang around. I may have hurt him, but I have a feeling I was the one really hurting. I feel like I lost more than the possibility of a relationship...I lost a friend I have had for 20 years. But when a guy says maybe we are like "ships passing in the night", that tells me its time to move on. Even Jim said that he thinks the whole thing was tantamount to emotional abuse, even if it wasn't intentional. Perhaps. I may never know now. But I have enough problems in my life.....I can't deal with his. But I miss him and our correspondence already.
I have been thinking a lot about Ron lately....not sure why. I still miss him although the pain is gone. Sometimes I still talk to him. I wonder what HE thinks of ME now?
I hope to have more good news next time I write.
The song tonight is "How Can We Be Lovers if We Can't Be Friends?" by Michael Bolton. Although, in Alan's case maybe it should be the other way around. :(
And I finally got medical approval....YAY!!!
Another obstacle to my normal life hurdled!
But that doesn't mean it's all over yet. Now I have another interview.....financial, this time. To make sure I have no income or big bucks lying around. That's on Friday. I will be a mess, again, but hopefully, it won't last long. I have all the paperwork I need....I think....but will offer nothing unless asked for it. My brother composed a letter stating he has been giving me money to support me so I have that as well as bank statements. I hope they don't ask about retirement, as I don't have any information about that and I am not at retirement age anyway.
I will be moving in 10 days. Tomorrow, I have to hand in my security deposit and first month's rent as well as proof of renters insurance and utility account number. Again, I hope that all goes as planned....I want that to be ready. I have done SOME packing but I have to do more. Just haven't had the mojo to do it with everything else on my mind.
But I will have help with the move. My gentleman friend Steve has arranged to rent a truck for the day which should be plenty of time to get everything...or most everything...out of here. My bed will be a priority....I want to be able to sleep in my new place right away.
Then arrangements have to be made to bring the rest of my stuff down from Boston. Steve said he would help me with that, too. We have a couple options but have not settled on a definite plan. But I can't WAIT to have all my stuff with me again!
Its been nearly 3 1/2 years since this whole nightmare started and it looks like it MIGHT just be coming to a close. I can only hope. I am the queen of Murphy's Law so I can't relax until things are actually settled.
I am still seeing 2 men....Steve as a steady boyfriend and Jim as a friend with benefits. I had to let go of Alan. Seems he was having doubts and couldn't come out and tell me. Took 9 months for him to figure this out? He caused me more tears than I deserved. He said his life is a mess....well, I sympathize but I can't do much for him if he can't even see me. So many times we planned to meet and something came up. I was not important to him....and if he wanted to make his life better, he would have tried. I was as kind as I could be but I told him that I was getting MY life together and if he couldn't (or wouldn't) do the same, I couldn't hang around. I may have hurt him, but I have a feeling I was the one really hurting. I feel like I lost more than the possibility of a relationship...I lost a friend I have had for 20 years. But when a guy says maybe we are like "ships passing in the night", that tells me its time to move on. Even Jim said that he thinks the whole thing was tantamount to emotional abuse, even if it wasn't intentional. Perhaps. I may never know now. But I have enough problems in my life.....I can't deal with his. But I miss him and our correspondence already.
I have been thinking a lot about Ron lately....not sure why. I still miss him although the pain is gone. Sometimes I still talk to him. I wonder what HE thinks of ME now?
I hope to have more good news next time I write.
The song tonight is "How Can We Be Lovers if We Can't Be Friends?" by Michael Bolton. Although, in Alan's case maybe it should be the other way around. :(
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