Canine Therapy - Part Deux

Things are moving along here. But not as quickly as I would like. I still don't have any idea when my things will be brought down from Boston. I ordered a Christmas tree but for now, I have nothing to decorate it with. Would be rather pitiful to have a tree with only lights on it but I may have to face that.

However, tomorrow I go to pick up my ESA..... a 9-week old Maltese puppy....

I am SO excited and happy. I have named him Qamar which means "snow" in Arabic. I think it's a cool name and very unique. And I think he is totally adorable and he and I are going to have a lot of fun together. And he will keep me company and active and give me purpose....all of which I need. I was very lucky to find him and not too far away. Most breeders are either too far or have no puppies available and I can't wait for months...I have already waited as long as I can. Besides, Qamar is just perfect! He is friendly and active and happy and all the things a puppy SHOULD be. And he wasn't too expensive which is a problem with Maltese....they are rarer and therefore normally cost thousands of dollars. My son is paying for Qamar and that is VERY generous of him. I still have had to pay for all the things I need to care for Qamar....its like having another baby except this one already walks. :D But I think I have pretty much everything I need....now I just need HIM. Tomorrow night can't come soon enough....it's been a week since I met him.

I have been continuing to organize things here. I tore the closets apart and have been moving things around making more room. I bought storage racks for the spare room and have been organizing things into clear bins so I know what I have. I went through all my clothes and have a bag set aside for donation. I was able to get all my clothes into 2 flat bins and a plastic storage box with drawers....that emptied out 3 large bins! But I still need a dresser to fit the clothes I have for wearing....I did hang a lot in the closet but I don't trust the clothes rod.... it's bowing a bit from the weight. But I need a dresser anyway.

I know this blog has mostly been for relaying my mental journey and I may have neglected that a bit. But I think it means that things are getting better. I may never be totally "normal" but I am less depressed and anxious. I still have panic attacks but I hope they will lessen when Qamar gets here. I still see my psychiatrist once a month and talking helps....or I think it does. I still get wrung out when I am there....facing my issues gets harder and harder. But compared to where I was a year ago, things HAVE improved. I have a home of my own...,my physical independence if not my financial....soon to have puppy friend....the holidays are coming and there will be parties and family get-togethers. Its a great time of year.

Oh....and I have lost 10 pounds! My clothes fit better and I feel better, too. I still have 20 pounds to go but I will get there.

And I did finally get the money from the government. It's not as much as I would have hoped but it IS helping...especially with things I need in the apartment and for the puppy. And I splurged. I have always wanted to go see "The Nutcracker" ballet since I saw it when I was in my early 20's and got stuck sitting behind a POST! Well, I got balcony tickets with NOTHING to block my view. It wasn't cheap but its something I really want. My boyfriend is going to take me...we are BOTH looking forward to it. The performance is a month away. 

I plan on purchasing a couple more pieces of furniture for the apartment and then put whatever is left into an investment account. Not a fortune but hopefully it will gain a little and I will be able to use it for other things before I get too old.,,,,maybe even a trip somewhere.

Today's song is "I'm Gonna Buy Me a Dog" by the Monkees. Its a silly song but it kinda fits. :) I hope your Thanksgiving if you celebrate, is a happy one!

Canine Therapy

Its been busy since I last posted. There is always something to do in the apartment.

The curtains in the living room and dining room are up. I did have to do a little minor repair work on the walls...a couple holes that didn't work out, but I spackled and sanded and painted over them. I still have some pictures to hang and some more furniture to save up for....I need a bigger dresser desperately. I am currently using the dresser I had when I was 6 years old! And I need a little more seating in the living room...all I have is a second-hand sofa. And I still need a kitchen cart for things that won't fit in my cabinets...its a very small kitchen and the cabinets are small too.

I am starting the process of looking for an  ESA. I have a legitimate need for one unlike a lot of people who only use the discrimination policies to get their pets onto planes. I have been having panic attacks at night since I am totally alone. My psychiatrist thinks having a dog would be a great thing for me...it would not only keep me company but it would help with my social anxiety issues. But I have to be very particular....this is NOT a pet in the sense of the term. I need an animal that doesn't have psychological issues of its own....I can barely deal with MINE let alone a dog's. The dog will be here to help ME cope with MY problems so I can't take just any dog. I have started looking online at shelters but a lot of the ones that catch my eye have either psychological issues or medical problems. Its a shame but at my age AND with my financial situation, I need a relatively healthy animal. So a friend has offered to take me around to shelters to see what I can find. I will also inform staff of my needs so they can steer me toward an animal that will most likely fill them.

I got up the courage to go to a local ceramic shop and look around. I did have some anxiety....my stomach was a mess but I stayed long enough to get some information and even ordered a couple of small pieces to work on. I always enjoyed ceramics when I was a teenager and made a LOT of things, most of which broke over the years so I have very little left. I do have 2 of those light up Christmas trees...one that my mother made and one I made. They aren't cheap to make any more so I am glad I still have them.

Speaking of Christmas, I am still hoping to get the rest of my stuff down from Boston, including my Christmas stuff. I would like my apartment to look nice for the holidays but I have a LOT of decorations and they may not be enough room to keep them all here. That will have to be decided when I get up there to assess just how much there is and what I am going to do with it. The spare room is getting full and I still need space for my desk, craft table, and all my other things. Will most likely have to pare down again.

I think Fall is finally here. I am SO over rain and humidity. It's time for the leaves to change and break out the jeans again. I am ready!

Today's song.....Autumn Leaves by Nat King Cole. I prefer his version sung in French.

Time For Living

I realize I haven't written since I moved into the apartment....nearly 2 months. So I figured it was time to add an entry.

With all the changes that have been happening for me, there are some others I need to face now....namely my weight.

I got on the scale the other day and I am up 10 pounds from this time last year. That's 20 pounds in 3 years. Doesn't sound like a LOT but I feel my clothes getting tight again and that scares me. So its time for some action.

I restarted at MFP....My Fitness Pal. If you have weight to lose and you have the determination, I totally recommend it. It's not a weight loss plan...its a place where you have your own plan and you incorporate it into their site by logging what you eat and how you exercise...what you do is up to you. I started there in 2012 and lost 50 pounds in 18 months. I have to admit I looked pretty good. But then Ron died and I went into a tailspin. I tried several times to restart but I couldn't do it....the mental demons were too strong. But a lot of that is behind me now and I feel I am ready to get serious. I know it won't be easy....it wasn't a cakewalk the first time but the longer you stick to it, the more likely you are to be successful. I am into my 3rd day and am doing well so far. One of the reasons I decided to write here was because I was getting cravings so I needed something to get my mind off of them and writing is great for that. 

I do enjoy cooking and I made myself a pot roast tonight....it came out delicious and its very healthy, too. Here is my dinner....

Low in carbohydrates, which is what I strive for with my diabetes. Oh, yeah....that's another reason I need to lose weight....getting off those diabetes, cholesterol and blood pressure meds if possible. Anyway, having my own kitchen is nice but I still need the rest of my stuff that is in storage to help with that. But I also ran out of my food stamp money too, and I need more spices for cooking. It will have to wait till next month. In the meantime, I have a few things in the freezer I can whip up....and leftover pot roast.

Next week the plan is to finally go to pick up my stuff in storage. My one boyfriend is actually going to take a few days off, drive up to my son's house, pick up a trailer to hitch onto his Tahoe and haul all my stuff home. When we get it here, I am not sure exactly how we are going to get it all up here but my brother from Japan is home for a visit (YAY!) and I know he will help, too. As long as the weather cooperates we might be able to handle it. But its a LOT of stuff and it is going take me time to go through it all. I will probably get rid of some things and donate others. But it will feel good to have it all here with me again.

My brother also said he would help with a bookcase I bought from a second-hand store....its still sitting at the store because I can't get it here by myself. The boyfriend said he would help with that, too. With any luck, I may have this place organized by the holidays and that would be special.

I also started doing some crafting and crocheting again. I found an $8, drop leaf table at a thrift store so I bought it and refinished it. Here is the before....

And here it is after....

I am pretty proud of myself....its exactly what I needed in my little eat-in kitchen. The chairs were mine from my old dining room set so they didn't cost anything. I did have to buy a sander, the paint, the stain and the paste wax but it was worth it.

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and he commented on the fact that I seem to be calmer...less fidgety... and asked if I thought seeing him once a month might be acceptable for now and if I feel the need we can go back to bi-weekly. I said that sounded fine so I won't see him until the 30th. 

The only major concern I have now is money, of course. I have to be very careful as most everything is going to bills. I have NO idea when I will get anything from Social Security so I have to budget for everything. I just paid the cable bill and I will pay the electric bill next. Then the car insurance is due and then the phone bill.....sigh....

And  I do get lonely sometimes. I DO get out and I see my boyfriends once a week or so but when I am here alone sometimes, I get a little sad. I want a pet SO badly but I am not sure if its practical. My psychiatrist seems to think I would do well with a pet and I agree. But its more money.....rent goes up and then there is a deposit. Will have to wait for now.

Rain is in the forecast....again. We can't seem to shake it. I sure am ready for fall. I am tired of night sweats and hot flashes. But it's going back up into the 90's again next week. I hope its cooler in New England....that's where my stuff is. 

I think that is most everything for now. The song this time is "Time For Living" by the Association. Very upbeat and hopeful....the way I pretty much feel. How time can change your life!

The Apartment

Good things come to those who wait....even if it takes years.

On June 8th, I moved into my own apartment. Now, for most people, this would not be much of a deal. But I am not most people, as is evident from my life as I have relayed it in this blog.

Its a 2 bedroom apartment. It has a large living room and a good sized master bedroom. The kitchen is small but functional. There are lots of closets and there is a washer/dryer in one of my bedroom closets. How convenient can you get? I did have to have the dryer fixed but now everything is working perfectly. It is on the 2nd floor but as long as I can climb stairs, I am content. It's not always easy to get things up the steps but I am coping. I still have to get my stuff that is being stored in my son's garage down here.

I keep walking around this place and I still can't believe it.....that this place is really MINE. The bedroom is mine...the kitchen is mine...even the freaking bathroom is mine! Everything in here is mine. I have my own internet service and a new, 4K tv with cable and I can watch whatever I want when I want. No more being shut up in a basement room like I should be ashamed of myself....no more feeling like a social freak or a total loser. I am FREE....and I feel normal. Or as normal as someone like me can feel.

But with a home of my own comes the responsibility. I have never lived on my own in all my 64 years. I lived with my parents, my ex-husband, my mother and 2 boyfriends. This is the first time I am on my own. I have to keep track of the bills and the maintenance and keeping things neat...not a major problem with someone who is as OCD as I am. But there is still anxiety that comes with independence. Most people get over this when they are in their 20's and have their first apartment. I never had that till now, so I am experiencing that.

Don't get me wrong. I am THRILLED to pieces with my new home and I hope to be here for a long time. But the responsibility sometimes feels overwhelming. I know I will get used to it the longer I am here. Thankfully, I have a lot of things to do....still unpacking and organizing things. Have to look for furniture...mostly in thrift stores so I don't spend a lot of money, as it's not mine to squander. But every day I get up and have something productive to do. I WANT to get up....not like before I moved here when all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day, miserable and depressed.

The not so good news I have had to face lately is that although I do medically qualify for SSI, I don't qualify financially because my brother kept me off the streets by paying my bills. Yeah. However, I can't let that get to me now. I have more happy things to think about. I don't know if my legal reps will appeal or not but I am leaving things in their hands. I have done all I was supposed to do....I am going to let their office take the next step.

My boyfriends are understandably very happy for me. And I can certainly understand that from all sides. They know how happy I am to finally be liberated but they also appreciate the fact that having my own place I can entertain THEM instead of them having to carry that responsibility themselves. Believe me, no one is happier than I about that. Neither of the gentlemen has neat, clean homes. But they are THEIR homes and they can have them as they see fit. But now I don't have to spend as much time in them. I already have laid down a very important rule. If you use my toilet, you lower the seat AND the lid before you flush. I think I have one of them trained.....the other still needs work....LOL!

And now I am 64...another birthday celebrated on Sunday. I got a $50 gift card from my oldest bro and a $100 check from my older brother. My daughter got me some flowers and a nice card. My son?....well, I didn't hear anything from him. I guess he figures he saw me a week ago so he doesn't HAVE to at least give me a call. I can't help feeling somewhat hurt. But what can I do? Not much.

So here I sit on my OWN sofa, watching my tv and typing this entry. Right now, life is good and I am enjoying it again. It was a long time coming but I have finally made it. There is still a part of me thinking this isn't going to last and that I will be back where I was a month ago. I hope that doesn't happen....I don't think I could handle that again.

The song for this entry? "Life is What You Make It" by Henry Mancini. One of my birthday cards contained that phrase. It seems appropriate.

SSI

SSI.....Supplemental Security Income.

And I finally got medical approval....YAY!!!

Another obstacle to my normal life hurdled!

But that doesn't mean it's all over yet. Now I have another interview.....financial, this time. To make sure I have no income or big bucks lying around. That's on Friday. I will be a mess, again, but hopefully, it won't last long. I have all the paperwork I need....I think....but will offer nothing unless asked for it. My brother composed a letter stating he has been giving me money to support me so I have that as well as bank statements. I hope they don't ask about retirement, as I don't have any information about that and I am not at retirement age anyway.

I will be moving in 10 days. Tomorrow, I have to hand in my security deposit and first month's rent as well as proof of renters insurance and utility account number. Again, I hope that all goes as planned....I want that to be ready. I have done SOME packing but I have to do more. Just haven't had the mojo to do it with everything else on my mind.

But I will have help with the move. My gentleman friend Steve has arranged to rent a truck for the day which should be plenty of time to get everything...or most everything...out of here. My bed will be a priority....I want to be able to sleep in my new place right away.

Then arrangements have to be made to bring the rest of my stuff down from Boston. Steve said he would help me with that, too. We have a couple options but have not settled on a definite plan. But I can't WAIT to have all my stuff with me again!

Its been nearly 3 1/2 years since this whole nightmare started and it looks like it MIGHT just be coming to a close. I can only hope. I am the queen of Murphy's Law so I can't relax until things are actually settled.

I am still seeing 2 men....Steve as a steady boyfriend and Jim as a friend with benefits. I had to let go of Alan. Seems he was having doubts and couldn't come out and tell me. Took 9 months for him to figure this out? He caused me more tears than I deserved. He said his life is a mess....well, I sympathize but I can't do much for him if he can't even see me. So many times we planned to meet and something came up. I was not important to him....and if he wanted to make his life better, he would have tried. I was as kind as I could be but I told him that I was getting MY life together and if he couldn't (or wouldn't) do the same, I couldn't hang around. I may have hurt him, but I have a feeling I was the one really hurting. I feel like I lost more than the possibility of a relationship...I lost a friend I have had for 20 years. But when a guy says maybe we are like "ships passing in the night", that tells me its time to move on. Even Jim said that he thinks the whole thing was tantamount to emotional abuse, even if it wasn't intentional. Perhaps. I may never know now. But I have enough problems in my life.....I can't deal with his. But I miss him and our correspondence already.

I have been thinking a lot about Ron lately....not sure why. I still miss him although the pain is gone. Sometimes I still talk to him. I wonder what HE thinks of ME now?

I hope to have more good news next time I write.

The song tonight is  "How Can We Be Lovers if We Can't Be Friends?" by Michael Bolton. Although, in Alan's case maybe it should be the other way around.  :(

Well, I've Got Two Lovers...and I ain't Ashamed....

If you are my age or near, you remember that song. Can't remember who recorded it but I am too lazy right now to look it up...LOL! It's true right now. But let me catch you up on the past couple months.

First, I had my SSI hearing and according to the lawyer, it went very well. Not for me....I am was a mental mess and I had a panic attack part of the way through but the lawyer was very happy because the judge could see I was NOT faking anything. However, my lawyer told me that although I do fit the legal description of "disabled", the judge could STILL turn me down...because he can. If that happens, my lawyer said he would appeal again. I hope to heaven that isn't necessary because its a very upsetting, embarrassing and traumatic experience. Sure, it means an income of sorts, but its a LOT to go through for $750 a month and for only a couple years since when I hit retirement age, Social Security will kick in, courtesy of my ex-husband. But not all the evidence for my case has been submitted....my medical records from my other therapist and doctor have not been released and a subpoena has been issued for them. But other evidence is still being offered....my current psychiatrist has been really great and has been filling out forms sent to him by my lawyer AND the SS office. He said he will do anything that is asked of him so that I have the best chance of getting the benefits. He knows my condition warrants it.

So, yes....I now have a new psychiatrist....and he actually has a Ph.D. He is very nice and listens to everything I say and feels that he CAN help me but it will take a LONG time. He also told me I have the worst case of social anxiety disorder he has seen in a LONG time. And just as important, he takes my insurance.....which was the main stumbling block I was having in finding a psychiatrist. He said he may not be able to get me to a totally anxiety free state but he can help me realize a better quality of life. That works for me. He has already given me homework...ha, ha....telling me to take walks at the mall and be around people, which makes me rather nervous and anxious. I have done it a couple times but it's not easy. Still, its a process and I will do my best.

I am still at my ex's house and he has returned home....temporarily but he is still here for a month, then he will go back overseas for a few weeks and then come back home again. He has asked me twice already if I am on track to leave by June....and I want to smack him....but I keep telling him YES. Believe me, I don't want to be here. And I am now getting anxious with him here. He has started his looking for sex...I mean, a relationship....LOL! But he doesn't want to "lie" to anyone about me. FINE. He won't have to. I need to get out of here for my own sanity.

The holdup? The apartment I went to see in January. The landlord hasn't been able to prepare it for occupancy. Seems he was in the hospital with pneumonia due to complication from chemo. And since he does his own work, everything is on hold. My friend keeps in contact with him but if the place doesn't become available soon, I will have no choice but to walk on it and try someplace else. Time is ticking by and I want to start moving by the end of the month so I am out of here and settled by June. I feel bad for the man but I have a timetable and I must stick to it.

Now....to explain the title. You may remember (but I will refresh your memory) that I was seeing a guy for about 10 months before he dumped me in October. Well back in February, he suddenly texted me. I had an odd feeling that he MIGHT do that since I didn't do ANYTHING to warrant his attitude, and to be honest (and without tooting my own horn) I am a pretty nice person and can be a lot of fun. He asked me if he could see me to apologize....said he treated me pretty badly and could he take me out for drinks and we talk. Not being one to hold a grudge, I said ok. So he picked me one Sunday and we went out for drinks and snacks. And I pretty much lit into him with both barrels...but he was a man about it and told me it was ok, that he deserved it. However, I did a really DUMB thing. I took my meds and then I drank....2 drinks.....and I got SO SICK. I felt like I was gonna die. Well being the gentleman he always was, he took care of me. Got me out, got me to his place, laid me on the couch, covered me with a blanket and let me doze off. He DID have to take me home eventually but at least by that time I was able to walk better. I got to my room, pulled off my clothes and fell into bed. The next day my stomach was still a little off but Tuesday I was fine again. But he wasn't sure if we were ok and we texted after that. I told him that things could NOT go back to the way they were and he said he would do his best to change his behavior. We have been out a few times and he IS trying, which is good. He even came over to the house this afternoon to look at my car and brought antifreeze...seems I was pretty much out of that. The car seems ok now, thank goodness and he said he would like to see me on Monday (he is off work) and that's fine. But we have a "casual" relationship right now....he is free to date others and so am I.

Which leads me to the other lover. The guy I talked about in my last post. We decided to be friends with benefits. Now that is something I have never done before but it works for us. We like each other as friends and we enjoy each other in bed. And if there comes a time when either of us meets someone we want to be exclusive with, the sex will end but we will stay friends. That works for me....I love having a friend again. Someone to relax and be myself with.

As for the other gentleman I was emailing with, we are still emailing and still planning on meeting but unless his priorities change, which is looking more and more unlikely, I don't see that working out on a permanent basis. It will make me sad since this will be our last attempt to get together. I have decided that when I have my own apartment, I won't be at the mercy of any man. I won't have to worry about my housing situation and how it would affect a relationship. I can have a normal relationship with someone. And that is all I want.

More good news.....the credit card debt I had when all this started is HISTORY! I finally paid off the last of the credit cards, thanks to my brother. I am blessed to have him...without him, I don't know where I would be, literally. I sure hope he can come home soon. I really want to have him around.

SO things are starting to fall into place after nearly 3 1/2 years! It's still hard to believe it's been that long and I have endured. I had no choice and it hasn't always been smooth sailing but my life has never really BEEN smooth sailing. It's not over yet but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully, when I write next time it will be to say that I have my own place, am settled and I am truly LIVING my life instead of simply existing in it.

The song for this time is "Time for Livin'" by the Association. I want to feel that way every day for the rest of my life!

New Year Again

Well, more than 3 years have come and gone since Ron died and I am still in limbo. But things starting to stir a bit.

First, over the holidays, the friend I was writing to and I had a bit of an email blow up and we didn't talk again until about 2 weeks ago. We mutually decided to step back a bit, which was the right thing to do....it was getting TOO intense when we weren't able to meet up. I think we still will eventually but I don't know when that will be. Meantime, I am trying to concentrate on my health and finding a place to live and not have to be stuck in a room with no life.

I also have a date for my SSI hearing....March 19th. I am nervous as heck but trying to NOT think about it too much. I keep thinking I HAVE to win this case but with the current atmosphere in the government, I can only hope for the best. I had several Dr. appointments in December and January an am on meds for cholesterol and blood pressure as well as adding to my Metformin for my diabetes. They are all helping, I can tell. I have been trying to eat better but I keep slipping. I can't let go of the sweets, especially when I am depressed. I just finished eating an ice cream sandwich and a cherry pie. So will try again tomorrow. I need to start testing my blood sugar, too. I get my bloodwork done again in a few weeks to see if there is any improvement.

I went to view an apartment today....a second floor, one bedroom one bath with the bedroom on the third floor. Its above a store in the city and I do like it. It needs work so it's not available for a couple months. Meanwhile, I will keep looking for others.

I met another man online. He is very sweet but I don't see a real future there. Still, I do like him and enjoy spending time with him. He has connections in the county as he used to work for it and knows a LOT of people. He helped me find the apartment and says he knows other people he can contact. He is going to help me move when the time comes and seems to just want to help me wherever he can...he has even made phone calls for me. I am SO grateful to have someone to lean on a bit.

Still haven't seen a psychiatrist. Not from lack of trying....they won't take my insurance which means it will come out of my pocket. But I HAVE to be under psychiatrists care or they will think I am not trying to get better....never mind that that isn't going to happen, I still have to make it LOOK like I am making the attempt.

I wish there was a magical medication to take away anxiety. They can help people with drug and alcohol addictions but mental illnesses are looked upon as a weakness and not an illness. So many people like me whose lives could be so much better if only more was done to help them. I was able to see a GP, an Ob/Gyn, an Ophthalmologist and a Gastroenterologist with no problem. But a psychiatrist? Nope. No wonder this country is such a mental mess.

Next time I write, I hope I have even more positive news. No song this time....I can't really think of one.