Pinch Me

 Well, it's been about a month, and things have progressed faster than I expected. I suppose when something is right, it's right, and you can't deny it. 

I never thought I would fall in love again... it's too disappointing. And so what did I do? LOL! But this time it's reciprocated. We both feel the same way. In fact, we were in bed together about a week ago (and I never expected THAT to happen, either) and he asked me if I thought it was too soon to talk about love. And what was freaky is that I was thinking the exact same thing before he said it! He says we are on the same wavelength, and I believe he is right. He is the sweetest, most loving man I have ever met...more demonstrative than Jim or Ron ever was. He loves to cuddle and is always kissing me all over. He says he doesn't know what he did to deserve me....no one EVER said that to me. If this is the love I end my life with, then "I" will be the one to wonder what I did to deserve it? 

We have been to 4 different casinos since we met....he enjoys going and has been meeting his cousin there, so I met her too. She is funny and very nice. But I have collected nearly $1000 in winnings! He says I am really lucky, but I don't know. But I DO know I have enough money now to pay off my credit cards, and that is a MAJOR stress reliever! I never thought it would happen. And not only that, he insisted that I get cable TV so I can easily watch the baseball games, which he is paying for, as well as my internet and phone bill! It's enabling me to build back up the buffer I had in my checking account of a month's rent that I used to have, but was eating through it slowly. He told me he wants to help make my life easier. The only concern I have now is finding out next month what my rent will be, because it goes up every year. If it goes up another $150 a month, I will be back where I started. I can't move....the cost of other comparable apartments is more than I am paying now. Not to mention the cost of actually moving. So here I stay....just hoping they cut me a break this year. 

I feel so happy....yet so scared. But that's me. I keep thinking this isn't going to last. But at the same time, I don't see it ending. Its simply my skepticism coming through, I can't quite quell it yet. But he is 7 years older than me, which wouldn't be an issue if we were younger, but who knows how long either of us has left. He walks with a cane, which he didn't do the night we met, and I know it's because he didn't want to look like an old man. That doesn't really bother me. He has other military-related physical issues. Again, they don't really bother me, but all will worsen the older he gets. It's funny, though....he seems more concerned about MY issues (I guess that's what love is all about). My back problems....he is always massaging my back. But he is strong...his upper body is more muscular than those of other men I have known. And he's not fat! I have no reason to be biased in that regard, but just for once, it's nice to have a man who doesn't have a belly separating us when we hug. Considering my weight loss, we fit together well.

Ok...enough for now. I have to get ready to go out...he is taking me to do a couple errands and then getting pizza for dinner. So nice to have things to look forward to now.

Song for the day.....Make Believe its Your First Time....because I am.

New Beginnings?

 After the old guy in my life left, I was getting depressed really quickly. So I decided to try again on a dating site. I was on for a few weeks when I started chatting with a man nearby....a 78 year old widower of 3 years. He sounded very nice, so he asked if we could meet? He asked me out to lunch at a place nearby, and I met him there. We had a very nice time....nice conversation. Wasn't sure though. But I told myself to give it time. He asked me out again for dinner and told me to pick the place. I chose a nice restaurant nearby....didn't realize how "nice" it was, as I had never been there before. I felt a little uncomfortable when we got there, and I saw the prices. He ordered a drink, and I ordered a glass of Riesling...my favorite wine. He ordered the twin lobster tails, which were $80, so I decided to take his lead and got a 14-oz. filet for $75. We had 2 drinks each and got dessert to go. I know the bill had to be at least $200 plus tip, but he raved about how much he loved the place and the food! So I was relieved.

Then he asked me if I wanted to go to a casino nearby. I hadn't been in a casino in years, but I said sure. So we got there, and he chose a couple of slot machines, and we sat down. He then took a bill out of his wallet and put it in my machine. I thought it was a $20...but when I saw the balance, it was $100. I got nervous...I just wanted to NOT lose his money. We played those machines for a little while until I was down to about $60, then we tried another set of machines. I lost more and was down to about $20. So we moved on to another set of machines. There, he opened his wallet again and put another C note in the slot. Now I was really nervous, but I was determined to start winning something. Well, THIS machine was better. I started winning. I got up to $248, and I should have stopped there because then I started losing again. I told myself, Ok....when you get to $200, stop, and he will get his money back. So, I stopped at $200.06. We went to Chickie and Pete's and had a sandwich, then cashed out. I handed him the $200, and he said, keep it....that's your winnings. I said I only won 6 cents, but he said, don't sweat it....put it in your purse. I wasn't sure I should...I felt guilty. But I did as he asked. I have to admit to being grateful....that $200 will be helpful. I have to take the dog to be groomed next week, and not having to charge it is a big deal. I will put the $100 bill away for something else.

We are going to the movies on Saturday. Not exactly a movie I want to see, but I knew the one I WANTED to see he wouldn't like. So I compromised a bit....Solo Mio...which didn't get good reviews and sounds like a very formulaic romance movie. Oh well....I will have to go see Avatar on my own.

My feelings are mixed. It was obvious from his actions and his words that he is attracted to me and likes me. I like him, but I told him I need time....I can't just jump into anything so soon. He understood and told me that if he does anything I don't like to tell him. But I don't want to hurt his feelings. He said he was nervous...he hasn't been with a woman since his wife died 3 years ago, and I told him I haven't been with a man in 6 years. Still, I have to be guarded. I don't want to get hurt again. He is a bit of a "diamond in the rough," as the phrase goes. I am not a snob, but it's tough when I speak in normal language, and he doesn't always understand, or he can't think of words, and I kinda fill them in for him. He is mildly physically disabled (he uses handicapped placards when parking) and walks slightly haltingly, but that's not an issue. Our ages are really the main thing we have in common. I will have to wait and see how things go. If we start running out to things to talk about or share, it may not be what either of us wants. I will be cautiously optimistic. But I have to admit I was feeling a little bit horny thinking about how it could be. Horny.....at 71 years old. I guess I am not dead yet. 😄

And I also have to admit to liking being spoiled somewhat. I haven't had that happen since Ron was alive. I was used to being poor for the last several years, accepted my fate, and adjusted to the situation. This man isn't rich, but he isn't poor either. He is retired from the military and the civil service, and he gets Social Security. He owns his house, so no mortgage, and he just bought a new car. I expect NOTHING, but I won't turn down any generosity. I have my pride, but I am not afraid to swallow it on occasion. And he likes my apartment....and my dog, so that's points in his favor, too.

At least having him in the apartment gave me the push I needed to straighten up the place. I feel more comfortable now that things are more orderly....except for the spare room. That room will never be organized. And he was so kind to help me with a couple of things. I bought thermal sheers for my living room window, and he put them up for me. And he changed the filter in my HVAC.....bought and paid for the filters as well as vacuumed out the filter area, which was dusty. He also put the arms back on my stationary bike and helped me move it out into the living room so I can use it again. It was nice having the help of a man when I needed it....I do most everything on my own because I have had to, but there are some things I can't manage on my own.

The sheers on the window are a big deal...it helps with the drafts, and it looks SO nice...now the living room LOOKS like a living room. Plus, it's more private without shutting out the light, and I need the light. 

I guess that's most of what has been going on in my crazy world. Back to the Olympics.

Song? The first one that popped into my mind was "For All We Know" by the Carpenters. Because who knows?

What It Is

 Someone quoted that phrase to me yesterday. It always fits.

I actually forgot I even HAD this blog. Maybe I thought, because I am no longer in therapy, why bother?

I write for 2 reasons....the need to release the craziness in my head....and the thought that someone else might read it. Not expecting sympathy....hell, you can laugh if you want. 

Time does change things. The man I was seeing? Well....LOL...he is moving...and he is supposedly in love with someone else several states away and is moving in with her. He thinks I don't know. I am not stupid....he actively sought out someone he could flatter and woo, and he found one. So he is set now...he doesn't have to rent an apartment...he is taking all his stuff to her place, and he will live happily ever after? His track record is abysmal....2 divorces, cheated on 2 women (that I know of). And he's found another to be temporarily infatuated with....until he gets tired of her or she gets tired of him or he/she dies. But anyway, I couldn't care less. I still hang out with him as a "friend "on occasion until he's gone, and I will never see him again. The only regret I have is that I will be alone again, and the last thing I  want to do is go back on a dating site and look for another guy who turns out to be a loser. I was lucky twice in my life....maybe that's all I am entitled to. But my feelings for him are long gone....and that's a great thing!

He's taking me out to dinner tonight, as a payment for picking him up from the mechanic's place and taking him home, and that's fine. I can use him as easily as he used me. I thought MY self-esteem was bad....his is a LOT worse. His family lives around here...most of them anyway. But he doesn't care. I could never leave my family. He has many good qualities.....I couldn't have been with him at ALL if he didn't. But he has issues, and the women in his life end up as victims of his low self-worth. I don't know exactly when he is moving, but it doesn't matter. 

My daughter broke her leg and had a pin inserted. She is recuperating at my ex's because the bedroom in her apartment is 3 floors up and she can't get up them. I have gone over and helped her as much as I can. She is miserable, and I am hoping that when she goes back to the surgeon in a couple of days, he will put a boot on the leg, and she might be able to get around easier. Having her near has been a big boost to my mental health. 

But on the positive side, I started in earnest to lose weight, so as of a year ago last September, I am down 30 pounds! I still have 10 to go, and they will be the toughest to lose, but I am in no hurry. And as a result of the weight loss, I am OFF INSULIN!! No more shooting up 5 times a day! I only take oral meds now. It's SO liberating! I hardly know I am diabetic, except that I still use the CGM, which is a lifesaver. 

Another thing that has helped is doing the holiday shopping for my grandkids. My son gives me a $1,000 budget, and I have been good at choosing what they will like, even though I only see them twice a year. I love shopping with someone else's money. Makes Christmas so nice when you have kids to open presents!

That's enough for now. I am waiting to hear from the man so I can take him over to pick up his car. And oddly enough, I keep dozing off, and I can't do that. I  may remember to come back sooner next time.

Do I have a song? Good question. I can't think of one. I do want to get the new Beatles Anthology 4 CD... have the first 3. Its supposed to be good.

A Year....and Then Some

 Not sure what compelled me to think about this blog, but it popped into my head so I came here and I didn't realize it's been SO long since I posted anything. A lot can happen in a year +...and has.

I had 2 kidney stones.....one passed on its own in February but the second did not. From Memorial Day until the middle of August, I suffered...first with the stone and then with the surgery and the aftermath. I lost the entire summer...all I did was sit around and get fat and be depressed. I missed my vacation and spending time with my brother who was visiting from Japan. I never realized how awful a kidney stone could be....I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I still have my share of the hospital bill that Medicare didn't pay that I have to. I hope I never have to deal with any of that BS again!

Then in September, I totaled my SUV. I have NO recollection of how it happened,,,,.I have gone over and over it in my mind SO many times but I just don't know exactly, Thankfully, I hit a parked landscaping trailer so no one else was involved. All I got was a skinned knee but the car got it bad. I got the money from the insurance company but it's not enough to get another decent vehicle so I am saving for a new one. Will probably take another year because I can't finance a car on my own....I don't make enough money. So I am relying on my male friend/lover to take me to most places. I hate not having a car....I am not used to being this isolated. And it makes me have frequent panic attacks. Not fun,

I had to read my last entry to remind myself what I wrote so I could address some things. The man I was seeing I am still seeing. Is it a perfect situation? Not even close. But it's better than being totally alone. He has been really sweet in helping to take me places ....the grocery store, and such. But the most amazing thing he did was he bought tickets to see The Music Man in NY....not cheap! He also paid for the train to get to NY for us. I paid for lunch at Rosie O'Grady's (he paid the tip) and the subway which was only a couple dollars. Then he guided me around Manhattan and we saw the tree at Rockefeller Center and a few other sights. It was fun, exciting....just amazing! This is the kind of man he is. He said he wanted to do this for me because he knew how much I wanted to see that show. I will never forget the day.

But he is still with another woman and she stays with him part-time. It kills me inside. I tried to break it off but I was a total mess (he told me he was miserable, too). I couldn't handle it. I tried dating sites....only found scammers and players. So I took him back. I have been more content even though I wish for more. I can't help how I feel. I have never met anyone like him, nor am I likely to in the future.

Christmas is around the corner now and I am attempting to decorate the apartment to the nines.... the first time I have done that in a couple years. I want it to look special for my grandkids. It's like Christmas Town...LOL! I am just finishing up trimming the tree....the last thing to do. I have enough ornaments for TWO trees, but I will get them all on somehow. Then I have to clean up the boxes and stuff and wrap presents and I will be ready. My ex wants me to cook for his after-Christmas party as well as clean his house. I am not looking forward to that but I need the money. I just hope my back can take the strain. 

Maybe I will be back before another year passes. Maybe this coming year will be better....can't be much worse, that's for sure. Happy Gnu Year1

Only Human

 It's only been a couple weeks this time since I posted. And I feel better, although that wasn't true a week ago.

I am conflicted....to use a term used by a friend. I have never been one to interfere in the lives of others and I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions for the last couple of weeks. I have never experienced jealousy.....I have never wished for a relationship to fail....I have never had these feelings before in my life. But I guess you are never too old to feel something new.

I know I posted last time about a man whom I love and who loves me but is with someone else. There was an incident concerning his birthday....he expressed a desire to spend it with me and I was very happy. Well, that didn't happen. He decided to go see his son and also view a play in the same city being directed by a friend. I had no problem with this as family comes first. Well, seems it wasn't only family involved in the trip....he took his girlfriend. Now that might be just fine and dandy but it showed me that he basically lied. 

I confronted him about it, and he admitted that he should have been more honest with me about the trip. I realize that I have no hold on him but I also realize that if you tell someone you will do something with them and DON'T, that's misleading at best, and lying at worst. I was hurt...this was a man I trusted. We texted back and forth about the whole issue....my feelings....his feelings. Not much got resolved.

The next day I texted him to see if he still planned on going to a certain restaurant we had talked about together and he said yes. Then he texted me to see if I still wanted to see the new James Bond movie, which I did. So we made arrangements that he would pick me up in the morning for the noon matinee.

When he got to my apartment, we talked a little more and I told him that I felt he was changing the dynamic of our relationship. He said that he was not, but that he had been depressed for the last couple of days and that may have shown up in his texts. I understood, but I said if we were to continue our friendship, I couldn't worry about what I might say that would upset him. He said that I could tell him anything and that my feelings were certainly relevant, considering our relationship. So off we went to the movies. 

At the end of the film (I won't give any spoilers), I started to tear up. And as it ended, I was full-on crying.....and so was HE. He took my hand and held onto it. We sat there till the credits were over, then we left the theatre and he went and got me tissues from the men's room. And then he held me until I calmed down and held my hand till we got to the car. We talked in the car on the way home and he said the song at the end was what did it for him and how it related to our relationship. 

We got back to my apartment and talked some more about our feelings. And one thing led to another and we wound up in bed. It wasn't planned certainly, but it only served to confirm what we have been dealing with in our hearts. 

We have talked some more and although it's a not a perfect situation, we are going to continue to pursue our feelings and see what happens. I honestly believe that we are more compatible as a couple than he and the other woman he has been seeing. 

But I have noticed he has pulled back some....like he feels guilty. I will have to find out what is going on in his mind and if he now feels differently, it may mean the end of everything for us. I already told him I CAN'T be his pal/buddy. I love him and he loves me and to pretend otherwise is a lie I cannot accept.

What a situation! You'd think that at my age, things would get easier as far as relationships. Apparently not. But I am not desperate....if things don't work out for us, as difficult as it might be, I will accept it and move on. Only time will tell.

Blessings and Curses

 It's been quite a while and I hadn't actually planned to come back and write but I came here by accident so I figured, what the heck?

I won't go back and read much of what I last wrote...most of it is likely of little consequence now. So I will simply relate the current situation. 

It has been a little over 3 years since I got my apartment and I am very happy and content here. I probably went a little overboard with the furniture but I like it. I feel like it is home now, even though technically it's not mine. I think about the 10's of thousands of dollars that have already been spent to live here. If I could only have been able to buy a house with it. Still, it's mine to do with mostly as I please. And I like it that way. 

My social life has been up and down, but when hasn't it? I am not currently seeing anyone. I have a couple friends but no boyfriends. I did meet a guy yesterday that wants a physical relationship, but that is all. I might take him up on it. I am lonely for a warm body near mine. 

But I love someone who is with someone else. I know he loves me too, but he can't hurt her....only me. I could hope things don't work out for them but I can't count on that. So I keep looking but not very successfully. There are a LOT of scammers on dating sites now that weren't there years ago and I get them all the time. I have learned to spot a lot of them and those I am not sure of, I make sure I don't give them any personal information until I AM sure. But the pickings are slimmer the older I get. It's frustrating....and I am lonely.

Covid did a number on my weight....and my diabetes. I am on insulin now and trying to get my sugar under control. I am also trying to eat better but sometimes it's hard when you are lonely and depressed. I did lose a little of the weight....4 pounds....but I need to lose a lot more. 

I am trying to watch a movie....a Russian movie....as I type this. It's probably a good movie but I can't read the subtitles and type this....LOL! I may rewatch it at a later date. Russians make a lot of movies about the time of the revolution. 

I planned on making this entry very upbeat...I guess I should have waited until I felt that way first.

I guess the bottom line is I am fortunate to have a nice roof over my head, clothes on my back, and I am safe. Hopefully, I will write again sooner and be in a little more pleasant frame of mind.

I am lonely.

'``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

This is 2020

Another year here...another holiday over.

But I got most of my stuff down from Boston and I was able to decorate properly for the holidays. The place looked great....my tree looked awesome with all my ornaments on it. Some things were missing but my son has no idea what happened to them. I think they was stolen but there is nothing I can do about it. But now I am putting it all away and shoving it into the spare room because, at the moment, I have no other place to store it all. The craft room I so desperately wanted has become a storage room. So no crafting for awhile.

My love life has changed. I finally had the guts to step back from my last boyfriend, Steve. I told him how I felt and he basically disappeared. I cried, I swore, I was depressed. Until one day I said to myself, "What the hell are you doing? He doesn't love you and if he doesn't by now, he never will.... so move on." So I have. I had a talk with him and said that if he wanted to see me again the rules were changed. No more being exclusive....no more lousy sex. He agreed...and apologized for being a jerk. So we are basically friends. I still see my friend Jim and we have sex and its good. But I decided to go back on Match.com a few months ago. I was about to give up when I met someone.

It was in the beginning of December, just before my Match membership was about to be renewed (which I really couldn't afford) when I hit the like button of a guy that lives in the same town I do. He looked and sounded nice....and intelligent. I didn't hear anything for a while and figured he didn't "like" me but one day I got a message from him. His name was Randy. He liked my profile.....liked that I loved music. We arranged to meet one morning before he had to go to work at the diner. We spent about 2 hours talking and I could tell he liked me. I just didn't realize how much.

It was love at first date for him. He said he never felt like he did before with any other woman. I was shocked, to be honest, but flattered. However, it wasn't long before I began to feel smothered....we had only known each other about a week and he was all over me constantly. I finally broke down one afternoon and told him it had to stop. I told him I liked him but I wasn't in love with him and I didn't know if that was ever going to happen. I know he was disappointed but he said he understood and would try to dial it back, which he has been and which has been making me MUCH more comfortable in his company. He said it's not easy but he is willing to do whatever it takes because he doesn't want to lose me.

As I said, I have never been in this sort of situation before. I WOULD like this relationship to succeed but only time will tell. And I still have no desire to move in with anyone....I love my apartment and all the men I know have houses that I would never live in....old, dirty, in disrepair....and with no money to improve them. My apartment is nicer than ALL their houses. And I also love living in a place that is truly MINE.

But it has been nice having more companionship....someone to talk to. Someone to cuddle with who actually wants to cuddle with ME....and feels it. He isn't an type A personality like Steve, though....he is shy, sensitive and soft-spoken and has had issues with self-esteem, like me. He has been married twice, has 4 kids. One, a daughter, is out of wedlock. He doesn't speak of her much. But he has 3 sons by his first wife of whom he is very proud. One is going to be moving in with him this month and he is looking forward to having him there. He has 2 cats he dotes on....that's different. He is only separated from the second wife, though he promises me the marriage is over.....she left him for an old boyfriend.

Randy went with me to my brother's house for Christmas dinner. Although he is Jewish, he said he loves Christmas. And my brother surprised both of us by giving Randy a gift card for $25. He was visibly touched by that.

So I guess, for the moment, I have plenty of people to spend time with. I am hoping I won't ever have to go back on Match again.

Its late....I am tired. I need to fall into bed...alone. And that's ok. I am not TOTALLY alone....my dog sleeps with me. :)

Time Passes

Days go by like usual. Some good...some not so good.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But in my mind, there is always SOMETHING eluding me. Usually its companionship. Human companionship.

My Qamar is 10 months old now. He is a good dog. He is totally housebroken and he doesn't bother my stuff....never chewed shoes or furniture. Or at least not that I noticed. There were a couple times when I saw him chomp on the skirt of my sofa but he knows I don't approve despite the fact that it's a second-hand sofa and the previous owner must have had a pet (probably a cat) who tore part of the skirt, which didn't bother me. But I don't want it worse.

He is neutered and chipped and very food driven. But he is afraid of a lot of things including strangers and inanimate objects, which is why he doesn't seem interested in my stuff. I can leave my laptop or my charging cables on the floor and he doesn't touch them even when I am not here. He is even afraid of the basket I have his toys in. I am working on trying to get him a bit more social but once he gets to know you, he is very friendly. He even likes my ex. :D

But on the human side, the man I have been seeing....or not seeing much....is a concern. Loving someone should make you happy. Instead, I cry. I have been considering looking for a new partner. But I don't know. This man, when I am with him, is kind and caring and he looks out for me. And my issues don't bother him....or they don't seem to. I am not sure if I would get that lucky enough to find another man who will accept me that way. But he keeps telling me he will see more of me WHEN....when his son graduates from college (he did), when the son gets a job (he's working on that), when he retires (was supposed to be in September but has changed his mind because he wants MORE Social Security). When he told me that, I literally cried. He doesn't send me texts anymore to let me know he is thinking of me....he just doesn't seem to care unless he is physically with me. I am getting tired of waiting. I need more. As much as I love having my own place, I am tired of always being alone. You can talk to a dog, but they can't talk back. I am grateful to have Qamar, and he has helped me with my panic attacks. But I need the love of a human being.

And to make things even tougher, my daughter just moved and got an apartment with 2 other girls. I know she is very happy....I can imagine. She is 30 now and she shouldn't be living with her father. She is going to school for nursing and working as a med tech. She loves the city and all it has to offer. But I will miss her.

I got myself a sewing machine. I have been wanting one for a long time and I had gift cards saved so I didn't have to pay much out of pocket for it. I lost my crochet mojo....I did try to get back into it but it didn't work. So now I am trying sewing. I am going to make a grilling apron for the man I am dating and a teddy bear for my grandson. I just wish I had my crafting stuff down here.... it's still in my son's garage. The boyfriend says we will go in the middle of August but I am still not sure it's going to happen. He has said we were going SO many times and we never did. He says a lot of things that never happen. He is taking me to the ballgame tomorrow night...but the tickets are free and I am paying for the parking. He DID say he would take me out for a meal before the game but I would rather just have TIME with him....doesn't have to spend money on me. I have suggested lots of time free things we could do....he says he will work on it. But he doesn't.

Lost my medical insurance but hopefully, it's only temporary. I had to reapply for Medicaid since I turned 65 which screwed everything up. Will take a while to hear. Meanwhile, I have to cancel my psychiatrist and primary appointments this month.

I did join a fitness center which my brother is paying for. I workout on the strength machines and do the treadmill and there are also several pools although I mostly use the exercise pool and the BIG hot tub. Most of the people are older because it's not like a regular gym....people go there for physical therapy, too. It's not as cheap as a gym either but there are a lot of options.....lots of classes if you are interested and trainers to help you out if you need it. Its a beautiful facility and they supply most everything you need. They just upgraded the showers in the locker room...they are really nice. And they have towels and soap and shampoo, a sauna, a steam room....even a machine that spins your swimsuit nearly dry.

I had to get a supplementary a/c unit for my apartment which has been a huge help in keeping the place a bit cooler. I decided to put myself onto the economy billing for the electric so I don't have a HUGE bill for the next couple months. We are heading into a big heat wave for the next 7 days and it's going to be brutal.

And I just ordered an electric scooter for myself for no real reason other than it will be fun....and I need some fun. It was priced lower for Prime Day on Amazon and I had a $75 gift card I put toward it. And since I have an Amazon Prime Visa, I can spread out the payments over 12 months with no interest. That works. Looking forward to trying out my new toy.

My mind still hurts sometimes. I overthink things to the point where I give myself anxiety. Not fun. Sometimes I yell at people that aren't there because I can't yell at them when I am with them. Isn't that silly? But that's me.

I am not particularly a summer person. I still get hot flashes and night sweats. And my weight is up, although I AM trying to get it under control. I have to. I need to. It's getting harder to lose weight.

I needed to write. I needed to say something even if no one reads it. I am used to no one caring about what I say or feel. But I still have to say it....and feel it. I just wish that someone would listen....and care.

The song this time is.....ya know...I can't think of one that fits how I am feeling. I am sure there is one out there. So listen to it for me.

Canine Therapy - Part Deux

Things are moving along here. But not as quickly as I would like. I still don't have any idea when my things will be brought down from Boston. I ordered a Christmas tree but for now, I have nothing to decorate it with. Would be rather pitiful to have a tree with only lights on it but I may have to face that.

However, tomorrow I go to pick up my ESA..... a 9-week old Maltese puppy....

I am SO excited and happy. I have named him Qamar which means "snow" in Arabic. I think it's a cool name and very unique. And I think he is totally adorable and he and I are going to have a lot of fun together. And he will keep me company and active and give me purpose....all of which I need. I was very lucky to find him and not too far away. Most breeders are either too far or have no puppies available and I can't wait for months...I have already waited as long as I can. Besides, Qamar is just perfect! He is friendly and active and happy and all the things a puppy SHOULD be. And he wasn't too expensive which is a problem with Maltese....they are rarer and therefore normally cost thousands of dollars. My son is paying for Qamar and that is VERY generous of him. I still have had to pay for all the things I need to care for Qamar....its like having another baby except this one already walks. :D But I think I have pretty much everything I need....now I just need HIM. Tomorrow night can't come soon enough....it's been a week since I met him.

I have been continuing to organize things here. I tore the closets apart and have been moving things around making more room. I bought storage racks for the spare room and have been organizing things into clear bins so I know what I have. I went through all my clothes and have a bag set aside for donation. I was able to get all my clothes into 2 flat bins and a plastic storage box with drawers....that emptied out 3 large bins! But I still need a dresser to fit the clothes I have for wearing....I did hang a lot in the closet but I don't trust the clothes rod.... it's bowing a bit from the weight. But I need a dresser anyway.

I know this blog has mostly been for relaying my mental journey and I may have neglected that a bit. But I think it means that things are getting better. I may never be totally "normal" but I am less depressed and anxious. I still have panic attacks but I hope they will lessen when Qamar gets here. I still see my psychiatrist once a month and talking helps....or I think it does. I still get wrung out when I am there....facing my issues gets harder and harder. But compared to where I was a year ago, things HAVE improved. I have a home of my own...,my physical independence if not my financial....soon to have puppy friend....the holidays are coming and there will be parties and family get-togethers. Its a great time of year.

Oh....and I have lost 10 pounds! My clothes fit better and I feel better, too. I still have 20 pounds to go but I will get there.

And I did finally get the money from the government. It's not as much as I would have hoped but it IS helping...especially with things I need in the apartment and for the puppy. And I splurged. I have always wanted to go see "The Nutcracker" ballet since I saw it when I was in my early 20's and got stuck sitting behind a POST! Well, I got balcony tickets with NOTHING to block my view. It wasn't cheap but its something I really want. My boyfriend is going to take me...we are BOTH looking forward to it. The performance is a month away. 

I plan on purchasing a couple more pieces of furniture for the apartment and then put whatever is left into an investment account. Not a fortune but hopefully it will gain a little and I will be able to use it for other things before I get too old.,,,,maybe even a trip somewhere.

Today's song is "I'm Gonna Buy Me a Dog" by the Monkees. Its a silly song but it kinda fits. :) I hope your Thanksgiving if you celebrate, is a happy one!

Canine Therapy

Its been busy since I last posted. There is always something to do in the apartment.

The curtains in the living room and dining room are up. I did have to do a little minor repair work on the walls...a couple holes that didn't work out, but I spackled and sanded and painted over them. I still have some pictures to hang and some more furniture to save up for....I need a bigger dresser desperately. I am currently using the dresser I had when I was 6 years old! And I need a little more seating in the living room...all I have is a second-hand sofa. And I still need a kitchen cart for things that won't fit in my cabinets...its a very small kitchen and the cabinets are small too.

I am starting the process of looking for an  ESA. I have a legitimate need for one unlike a lot of people who only use the discrimination policies to get their pets onto planes. I have been having panic attacks at night since I am totally alone. My psychiatrist thinks having a dog would be a great thing for me...it would not only keep me company but it would help with my social anxiety issues. But I have to be very particular....this is NOT a pet in the sense of the term. I need an animal that doesn't have psychological issues of its own....I can barely deal with MINE let alone a dog's. The dog will be here to help ME cope with MY problems so I can't take just any dog. I have started looking online at shelters but a lot of the ones that catch my eye have either psychological issues or medical problems. Its a shame but at my age AND with my financial situation, I need a relatively healthy animal. So a friend has offered to take me around to shelters to see what I can find. I will also inform staff of my needs so they can steer me toward an animal that will most likely fill them.

I got up the courage to go to a local ceramic shop and look around. I did have some anxiety....my stomach was a mess but I stayed long enough to get some information and even ordered a couple of small pieces to work on. I always enjoyed ceramics when I was a teenager and made a LOT of things, most of which broke over the years so I have very little left. I do have 2 of those light up Christmas trees...one that my mother made and one I made. They aren't cheap to make any more so I am glad I still have them.

Speaking of Christmas, I am still hoping to get the rest of my stuff down from Boston, including my Christmas stuff. I would like my apartment to look nice for the holidays but I have a LOT of decorations and they may not be enough room to keep them all here. That will have to be decided when I get up there to assess just how much there is and what I am going to do with it. The spare room is getting full and I still need space for my desk, craft table, and all my other things. Will most likely have to pare down again.

I think Fall is finally here. I am SO over rain and humidity. It's time for the leaves to change and break out the jeans again. I am ready!

Today's song.....Autumn Leaves by Nat King Cole. I prefer his version sung in French.

Time For Living

I realize I haven't written since I moved into the apartment....nearly 2 months. So I figured it was time to add an entry.

With all the changes that have been happening for me, there are some others I need to face now....namely my weight.

I got on the scale the other day and I am up 10 pounds from this time last year. That's 20 pounds in 3 years. Doesn't sound like a LOT but I feel my clothes getting tight again and that scares me. So its time for some action.

I restarted at MFP....My Fitness Pal. If you have weight to lose and you have the determination, I totally recommend it. It's not a weight loss plan...its a place where you have your own plan and you incorporate it into their site by logging what you eat and how you exercise...what you do is up to you. I started there in 2012 and lost 50 pounds in 18 months. I have to admit I looked pretty good. But then Ron died and I went into a tailspin. I tried several times to restart but I couldn't do it....the mental demons were too strong. But a lot of that is behind me now and I feel I am ready to get serious. I know it won't be easy....it wasn't a cakewalk the first time but the longer you stick to it, the more likely you are to be successful. I am into my 3rd day and am doing well so far. One of the reasons I decided to write here was because I was getting cravings so I needed something to get my mind off of them and writing is great for that. 

I do enjoy cooking and I made myself a pot roast tonight....it came out delicious and its very healthy, too. Here is my dinner....

Low in carbohydrates, which is what I strive for with my diabetes. Oh, yeah....that's another reason I need to lose weight....getting off those diabetes, cholesterol and blood pressure meds if possible. Anyway, having my own kitchen is nice but I still need the rest of my stuff that is in storage to help with that. But I also ran out of my food stamp money too, and I need more spices for cooking. It will have to wait till next month. In the meantime, I have a few things in the freezer I can whip up....and leftover pot roast.

Next week the plan is to finally go to pick up my stuff in storage. My one boyfriend is actually going to take a few days off, drive up to my son's house, pick up a trailer to hitch onto his Tahoe and haul all my stuff home. When we get it here, I am not sure exactly how we are going to get it all up here but my brother from Japan is home for a visit (YAY!) and I know he will help, too. As long as the weather cooperates we might be able to handle it. But its a LOT of stuff and it is going take me time to go through it all. I will probably get rid of some things and donate others. But it will feel good to have it all here with me again.

My brother also said he would help with a bookcase I bought from a second-hand store....its still sitting at the store because I can't get it here by myself. The boyfriend said he would help with that, too. With any luck, I may have this place organized by the holidays and that would be special.

I also started doing some crafting and crocheting again. I found an $8, drop leaf table at a thrift store so I bought it and refinished it. Here is the before....

And here it is after....

I am pretty proud of myself....its exactly what I needed in my little eat-in kitchen. The chairs were mine from my old dining room set so they didn't cost anything. I did have to buy a sander, the paint, the stain and the paste wax but it was worth it.

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and he commented on the fact that I seem to be calmer...less fidgety... and asked if I thought seeing him once a month might be acceptable for now and if I feel the need we can go back to bi-weekly. I said that sounded fine so I won't see him until the 30th. 

The only major concern I have now is money, of course. I have to be very careful as most everything is going to bills. I have NO idea when I will get anything from Social Security so I have to budget for everything. I just paid the cable bill and I will pay the electric bill next. Then the car insurance is due and then the phone bill.....sigh....

And  I do get lonely sometimes. I DO get out and I see my boyfriends once a week or so but when I am here alone sometimes, I get a little sad. I want a pet SO badly but I am not sure if its practical. My psychiatrist seems to think I would do well with a pet and I agree. But its more money.....rent goes up and then there is a deposit. Will have to wait for now.

Rain is in the forecast....again. We can't seem to shake it. I sure am ready for fall. I am tired of night sweats and hot flashes. But it's going back up into the 90's again next week. I hope its cooler in New England....that's where my stuff is. 

I think that is most everything for now. The song this time is "Time For Living" by the Association. Very upbeat and hopeful....the way I pretty much feel. How time can change your life!

The Apartment

Good things come to those who wait....even if it takes years.

On June 8th, I moved into my own apartment. Now, for most people, this would not be much of a deal. But I am not most people, as is evident from my life as I have relayed it in this blog.

Its a 2 bedroom apartment. It has a large living room and a good sized master bedroom. The kitchen is small but functional. There are lots of closets and there is a washer/dryer in one of my bedroom closets. How convenient can you get? I did have to have the dryer fixed but now everything is working perfectly. It is on the 2nd floor but as long as I can climb stairs, I am content. It's not always easy to get things up the steps but I am coping. I still have to get my stuff that is being stored in my son's garage down here.

I keep walking around this place and I still can't believe it.....that this place is really MINE. The bedroom is mine...the kitchen is mine...even the freaking bathroom is mine! Everything in here is mine. I have my own internet service and a new, 4K tv with cable and I can watch whatever I want when I want. No more being shut up in a basement room like I should be ashamed of myself....no more feeling like a social freak or a total loser. I am FREE....and I feel normal. Or as normal as someone like me can feel.

But with a home of my own comes the responsibility. I have never lived on my own in all my 64 years. I lived with my parents, my ex-husband, my mother and 2 boyfriends. This is the first time I am on my own. I have to keep track of the bills and the maintenance and keeping things neat...not a major problem with someone who is as OCD as I am. But there is still anxiety that comes with independence. Most people get over this when they are in their 20's and have their first apartment. I never had that till now, so I am experiencing that.

Don't get me wrong. I am THRILLED to pieces with my new home and I hope to be here for a long time. But the responsibility sometimes feels overwhelming. I know I will get used to it the longer I am here. Thankfully, I have a lot of things to do....still unpacking and organizing things. Have to look for furniture...mostly in thrift stores so I don't spend a lot of money, as it's not mine to squander. But every day I get up and have something productive to do. I WANT to get up....not like before I moved here when all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day, miserable and depressed.

The not so good news I have had to face lately is that although I do medically qualify for SSI, I don't qualify financially because my brother kept me off the streets by paying my bills. Yeah. However, I can't let that get to me now. I have more happy things to think about. I don't know if my legal reps will appeal or not but I am leaving things in their hands. I have done all I was supposed to do....I am going to let their office take the next step.

My boyfriends are understandably very happy for me. And I can certainly understand that from all sides. They know how happy I am to finally be liberated but they also appreciate the fact that having my own place I can entertain THEM instead of them having to carry that responsibility themselves. Believe me, no one is happier than I about that. Neither of the gentlemen has neat, clean homes. But they are THEIR homes and they can have them as they see fit. But now I don't have to spend as much time in them. I already have laid down a very important rule. If you use my toilet, you lower the seat AND the lid before you flush. I think I have one of them trained.....the other still needs work....LOL!

And now I am 64...another birthday celebrated on Sunday. I got a $50 gift card from my oldest bro and a $100 check from my older brother. My daughter got me some flowers and a nice card. My son?....well, I didn't hear anything from him. I guess he figures he saw me a week ago so he doesn't HAVE to at least give me a call. I can't help feeling somewhat hurt. But what can I do? Not much.

So here I sit on my OWN sofa, watching my tv and typing this entry. Right now, life is good and I am enjoying it again. It was a long time coming but I have finally made it. There is still a part of me thinking this isn't going to last and that I will be back where I was a month ago. I hope that doesn't happen....I don't think I could handle that again.

The song for this entry? "Life is What You Make It" by Henry Mancini. One of my birthday cards contained that phrase. It seems appropriate.

SSI

SSI.....Supplemental Security Income.

And I finally got medical approval....YAY!!!

Another obstacle to my normal life hurdled!

But that doesn't mean it's all over yet. Now I have another interview.....financial, this time. To make sure I have no income or big bucks lying around. That's on Friday. I will be a mess, again, but hopefully, it won't last long. I have all the paperwork I need....I think....but will offer nothing unless asked for it. My brother composed a letter stating he has been giving me money to support me so I have that as well as bank statements. I hope they don't ask about retirement, as I don't have any information about that and I am not at retirement age anyway.

I will be moving in 10 days. Tomorrow, I have to hand in my security deposit and first month's rent as well as proof of renters insurance and utility account number. Again, I hope that all goes as planned....I want that to be ready. I have done SOME packing but I have to do more. Just haven't had the mojo to do it with everything else on my mind.

But I will have help with the move. My gentleman friend Steve has arranged to rent a truck for the day which should be plenty of time to get everything...or most everything...out of here. My bed will be a priority....I want to be able to sleep in my new place right away.

Then arrangements have to be made to bring the rest of my stuff down from Boston. Steve said he would help me with that, too. We have a couple options but have not settled on a definite plan. But I can't WAIT to have all my stuff with me again!

Its been nearly 3 1/2 years since this whole nightmare started and it looks like it MIGHT just be coming to a close. I can only hope. I am the queen of Murphy's Law so I can't relax until things are actually settled.

I am still seeing 2 men....Steve as a steady boyfriend and Jim as a friend with benefits. I had to let go of Alan. Seems he was having doubts and couldn't come out and tell me. Took 9 months for him to figure this out? He caused me more tears than I deserved. He said his life is a mess....well, I sympathize but I can't do much for him if he can't even see me. So many times we planned to meet and something came up. I was not important to him....and if he wanted to make his life better, he would have tried. I was as kind as I could be but I told him that I was getting MY life together and if he couldn't (or wouldn't) do the same, I couldn't hang around. I may have hurt him, but I have a feeling I was the one really hurting. I feel like I lost more than the possibility of a relationship...I lost a friend I have had for 20 years. But when a guy says maybe we are like "ships passing in the night", that tells me its time to move on. Even Jim said that he thinks the whole thing was tantamount to emotional abuse, even if it wasn't intentional. Perhaps. I may never know now. But I have enough problems in my life.....I can't deal with his. But I miss him and our correspondence already.

I have been thinking a lot about Ron lately....not sure why. I still miss him although the pain is gone. Sometimes I still talk to him. I wonder what HE thinks of ME now?

I hope to have more good news next time I write.

The song tonight is  "How Can We Be Lovers if We Can't Be Friends?" by Michael Bolton. Although, in Alan's case maybe it should be the other way around.  :(

Well, I've Got Two Lovers...and I ain't Ashamed....

If you are my age or near, you remember that song. Can't remember who recorded it but I am too lazy right now to look it up...LOL! It's true right now. But let me catch you up on the past couple months.

First, I had my SSI hearing and according to the lawyer, it went very well. Not for me....I am was a mental mess and I had a panic attack part of the way through but the lawyer was very happy because the judge could see I was NOT faking anything. However, my lawyer told me that although I do fit the legal description of "disabled", the judge could STILL turn me down...because he can. If that happens, my lawyer said he would appeal again. I hope to heaven that isn't necessary because its a very upsetting, embarrassing and traumatic experience. Sure, it means an income of sorts, but its a LOT to go through for $750 a month and for only a couple years since when I hit retirement age, Social Security will kick in, courtesy of my ex-husband. But not all the evidence for my case has been submitted....my medical records from my other therapist and doctor have not been released and a subpoena has been issued for them. But other evidence is still being offered....my current psychiatrist has been really great and has been filling out forms sent to him by my lawyer AND the SS office. He said he will do anything that is asked of him so that I have the best chance of getting the benefits. He knows my condition warrants it.

So, yes....I now have a new psychiatrist....and he actually has a Ph.D. He is very nice and listens to everything I say and feels that he CAN help me but it will take a LONG time. He also told me I have the worst case of social anxiety disorder he has seen in a LONG time. And just as important, he takes my insurance.....which was the main stumbling block I was having in finding a psychiatrist. He said he may not be able to get me to a totally anxiety free state but he can help me realize a better quality of life. That works for me. He has already given me homework...ha, ha....telling me to take walks at the mall and be around people, which makes me rather nervous and anxious. I have done it a couple times but it's not easy. Still, its a process and I will do my best.

I am still at my ex's house and he has returned home....temporarily but he is still here for a month, then he will go back overseas for a few weeks and then come back home again. He has asked me twice already if I am on track to leave by June....and I want to smack him....but I keep telling him YES. Believe me, I don't want to be here. And I am now getting anxious with him here. He has started his looking for sex...I mean, a relationship....LOL! But he doesn't want to "lie" to anyone about me. FINE. He won't have to. I need to get out of here for my own sanity.

The holdup? The apartment I went to see in January. The landlord hasn't been able to prepare it for occupancy. Seems he was in the hospital with pneumonia due to complication from chemo. And since he does his own work, everything is on hold. My friend keeps in contact with him but if the place doesn't become available soon, I will have no choice but to walk on it and try someplace else. Time is ticking by and I want to start moving by the end of the month so I am out of here and settled by June. I feel bad for the man but I have a timetable and I must stick to it.

Now....to explain the title. You may remember (but I will refresh your memory) that I was seeing a guy for about 10 months before he dumped me in October. Well back in February, he suddenly texted me. I had an odd feeling that he MIGHT do that since I didn't do ANYTHING to warrant his attitude, and to be honest (and without tooting my own horn) I am a pretty nice person and can be a lot of fun. He asked me if he could see me to apologize....said he treated me pretty badly and could he take me out for drinks and we talk. Not being one to hold a grudge, I said ok. So he picked me one Sunday and we went out for drinks and snacks. And I pretty much lit into him with both barrels...but he was a man about it and told me it was ok, that he deserved it. However, I did a really DUMB thing. I took my meds and then I drank....2 drinks.....and I got SO SICK. I felt like I was gonna die. Well being the gentleman he always was, he took care of me. Got me out, got me to his place, laid me on the couch, covered me with a blanket and let me doze off. He DID have to take me home eventually but at least by that time I was able to walk better. I got to my room, pulled off my clothes and fell into bed. The next day my stomach was still a little off but Tuesday I was fine again. But he wasn't sure if we were ok and we texted after that. I told him that things could NOT go back to the way they were and he said he would do his best to change his behavior. We have been out a few times and he IS trying, which is good. He even came over to the house this afternoon to look at my car and brought antifreeze...seems I was pretty much out of that. The car seems ok now, thank goodness and he said he would like to see me on Monday (he is off work) and that's fine. But we have a "casual" relationship right now....he is free to date others and so am I.

Which leads me to the other lover. The guy I talked about in my last post. We decided to be friends with benefits. Now that is something I have never done before but it works for us. We like each other as friends and we enjoy each other in bed. And if there comes a time when either of us meets someone we want to be exclusive with, the sex will end but we will stay friends. That works for me....I love having a friend again. Someone to relax and be myself with.

As for the other gentleman I was emailing with, we are still emailing and still planning on meeting but unless his priorities change, which is looking more and more unlikely, I don't see that working out on a permanent basis. It will make me sad since this will be our last attempt to get together. I have decided that when I have my own apartment, I won't be at the mercy of any man. I won't have to worry about my housing situation and how it would affect a relationship. I can have a normal relationship with someone. And that is all I want.

More good news.....the credit card debt I had when all this started is HISTORY! I finally paid off the last of the credit cards, thanks to my brother. I am blessed to have him...without him, I don't know where I would be, literally. I sure hope he can come home soon. I really want to have him around.

SO things are starting to fall into place after nearly 3 1/2 years! It's still hard to believe it's been that long and I have endured. I had no choice and it hasn't always been smooth sailing but my life has never really BEEN smooth sailing. It's not over yet but I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully, when I write next time it will be to say that I have my own place, am settled and I am truly LIVING my life instead of simply existing in it.

The song for this time is "Time for Livin'" by the Association. I want to feel that way every day for the rest of my life!

New Year Again

Well, more than 3 years have come and gone since Ron died and I am still in limbo. But things starting to stir a bit.

First, over the holidays, the friend I was writing to and I had a bit of an email blow up and we didn't talk again until about 2 weeks ago. We mutually decided to step back a bit, which was the right thing to do....it was getting TOO intense when we weren't able to meet up. I think we still will eventually but I don't know when that will be. Meantime, I am trying to concentrate on my health and finding a place to live and not have to be stuck in a room with no life.

I also have a date for my SSI hearing....March 19th. I am nervous as heck but trying to NOT think about it too much. I keep thinking I HAVE to win this case but with the current atmosphere in the government, I can only hope for the best. I had several Dr. appointments in December and January an am on meds for cholesterol and blood pressure as well as adding to my Metformin for my diabetes. They are all helping, I can tell. I have been trying to eat better but I keep slipping. I can't let go of the sweets, especially when I am depressed. I just finished eating an ice cream sandwich and a cherry pie. So will try again tomorrow. I need to start testing my blood sugar, too. I get my bloodwork done again in a few weeks to see if there is any improvement.

I went to view an apartment today....a second floor, one bedroom one bath with the bedroom on the third floor. Its above a store in the city and I do like it. It needs work so it's not available for a couple months. Meanwhile, I will keep looking for others.

I met another man online. He is very sweet but I don't see a real future there. Still, I do like him and enjoy spending time with him. He has connections in the county as he used to work for it and knows a LOT of people. He helped me find the apartment and says he knows other people he can contact. He is going to help me move when the time comes and seems to just want to help me wherever he can...he has even made phone calls for me. I am SO grateful to have someone to lean on a bit.

Still haven't seen a psychiatrist. Not from lack of trying....they won't take my insurance which means it will come out of my pocket. But I HAVE to be under psychiatrists care or they will think I am not trying to get better....never mind that that isn't going to happen, I still have to make it LOOK like I am making the attempt.

I wish there was a magical medication to take away anxiety. They can help people with drug and alcohol addictions but mental illnesses are looked upon as a weakness and not an illness. So many people like me whose lives could be so much better if only more was done to help them. I was able to see a GP, an Ob/Gyn, an Ophthalmologist and a Gastroenterologist with no problem. But a psychiatrist? Nope. No wonder this country is such a mental mess.

Next time I write, I hope I have even more positive news. No song this time....I can't really think of one.

Getting Back up on the Horse

There are things that I think about constantly....one being when I will have my SSI hearing. It causes me a lot of anxiety....not because of the actual hearing but getting to it, talking to a lawyer I have never met (I have spoken on occasion about my fear of strangers) and then more waiting for a decision. With the current political climate, I have NO idea if I have any chance of getting the help I need. It has not been easy these nearly 20 months.

I finally got my food stamp card.....didn't realize I had to actually pick it up at the welfare office. Nothing on the approval letter mentioned that. Upside is there is 3 months worth of money in there....that helps.

But there are things that keep my mine occupied. One was dating....and finding a man who could look past my past....and my present. I thought I had found one. But it was not to be.

My friend broke it off a couple weeks ago....although I didn't actually find out until I found him on the dating site we met on. He couldn't even tell me....claimed he had to get himself fixed before he could think about another relationship. What a fool I was! He couldn't handle the truth about himself so he is off to find another woman who won't tell him the truth...who will butter him up and take advantage of him. Well...his loss. It could have been good. But I am glad I didn't fall for him....the betrayal was tough, but if I had loved him, it would have been a lot harder. He has moved on....and so have I.

I am back online looking for someone else, But I may not have to look as far this time.

About 18 years ago when I was separated, I met a guy on Match.com. We spent some time together....mostly between the sheets. But we had a connection that went deeper. Still, the timing was wrong....he was into his career and it monopolized most of his time. He had SEVEN jobs....I counted them. To make a long story short, I gave it up and moved on. But we remained friends....mostly online....and kept in contact over the years. When Ron and I broke up, he came to visit me. I know he wanted to try and start over, but I was still in love with Ron and we ended up getting back together. Still, this gentleman and I remained in contact. In fact he apologized to me several times for not realizing that we should have been together in the beginning, but he was a different man back then....his career was everything and everything else came after. As a result, he had his share of pain over the years as well. Nothing like mine, he admits, but enough to make him regret that he treated me so casually. 

Before my friend broke things off....about a month ago,...this gentleman and I started emailing again. He listened to all my woes and complaints as he usually did and was sympathetic. After my friend finally ended things, this gentleman and I decided to try again to connect...he is going to arrange to come up where I am in a couple weeks. I am hopeful that, perhaps THIS time, things will work out for us. He still works but not QUITE as intensely and he does plan to retire next year. He does live about an hour away but hopefully that won't be too big a stumbling block. Whatever happens, we have decided that we will ALWAYS be friends....and for that I am happy. And if it doesn't work, I will always have online dating to fall back on.

Oh....my ex SIL apologized for her outburst and has given me her schedule for the next couple months so I know when she will be working and I can have the TV...LOL! Silly,  but it works. I have the TV tonight. :D

My brother in Japan sent me a really cool kabuki lion doll and a case to keep it in . Actually came through the mail unscathed. Its a bit BIG and I don't have a lot of room but I have it on a table and its safe. My brother is awesome!

That's all for now. I am a bit restless and can't really concentrate on writing. But today's song is You Better Love Somebody by Rick Springfield. I live in hope.

Predjudice

It's something you have to deal with on occasion. I had to deal with it about a week or so ago. 

My ex SIL whom I am sharing the house with blew up at me and asked me when I was going to start looking for a job and she didn't see ANY disability in me. Also went on about how EVERYONE has anxiety and depression.....even her....and SHE still works. And she doesn't want HER tax money supporting me OR her brother housing me.

This all came out of left field....I was  NOT expecting it. I didn't know what to say to her. I just went down to the basement and had an anxiety attack. Then I called my son in tears and told him what happened. He was angry but he got me calmed down and told me he was sorry that SOME people just don't understand....or WANT to....and to try and ignore her ignorance. I felt better after I talked to him. Then my ex BIL called me and apologized for his sister. I told him he didn't have to do that as it wasn't his fault. Then he asked me if I was comfortable and if there was anything he could do. I told him the only thing I lacked was the cable hooked up to the TV. He graciously offered to come over and see if he could fix that....which he did. I am VERY happy now.....I can watch the news and the baseball games. And the Queen can have the living room to herself. 

No one can understand another's affliction unless they too suffer from it. A disability isn't always something you can see....and you have no right to judge something you don't understand. 

Right now I am house sitting for my brother and except for being sick, I am enjoying every minute of it. I had a cold and sinus infection, which I was getting over when I caught ANOTHER cold. I have been sick for 3 weeks so add that on to the month I had poison ivy and hives, its nearly 2 months I have been sick this summer.....has really put a dent in the fun. Only got to the pool twice and to the beach twice. I am tired of coughing and peeing when I do. I just want to be well again....and stay that way.

Still have not heard about the SSI although my lawyer did send a letter to know he was still out there. I have been approved for food stamps and medical and await the cards for both.

Things are about the same with my beau. But he has till Sept. to start losing weight. If he can't do it, I can't invest any more time in the relationship. I can't have half a love life. I thought my talk and honesty as to my feelings would be enough to convince him he needed to change but I think they went in one ear and out the other. Only time will tell.

I reconnected with a man I have been friends since my divorce. We dated on and off and there were times I thought we might end up together but something always got in the way.....his career, my issues. But we have remained friends through it all. We started emailing after many years and he has not changed....but neither have I, really......except we are both older. I enjoy communicating with him.....he knows me so well and I can talk to him about anything. And with no therapist now, I need to talk sometimes.

I thought moving would solve some of my problems but it seems one gets solved and another pops up. I hope I will someday be free of all of them.

Today's song is "I'd Love You to Want Me" by Lobo. I hope he knows that.

New/Old Digs

It dawned on me that its been a few months since I posted anything. So here I am.....catching up.

Things are getting better. Why? I have finally left the former residence behind! I am gone from PA and back in NJ. Where? Well, that's the funny part. I used to live here. It's my ex's house....used to be OUR house..but I wont rehash the past. Anyway, the ex is out of the country for a year with work and he said I could live here till he got back. I have moved into the finished basement (I stayed down here when my ex and I were separated) and its very comfortable. The room is nearly twice the size of where I was staying before with a large storage area for a lot of my stuff. Its cool because...well. its underground...so it's nice for summer. Its clean and cozy and well lit and there are lots of electrical outlets. unlike where I was. Its almost like having a private apartment....not to mention the room next to this is a fitness room with exercise machines! And I now have a usable kitchen and a clean bathroom with clean water. No more going to the gym to shower and no more bottled water! I even bought a gas bbq grill for the backyard.....I haven't used a grill since my divorce! I don't have a cable box but I don't really miss it. I have the smart TV, which is now connected to the WiFi here so I can watch Netflix and I also now have Amazon Prime so I can watch their stuff and movies. And, best of all, my daughter lives here and its SO nice to spend more time with her! I am very content.

But with a new residence comes anxiety, of course....how could I avoid it?  I now have to apply for government assistance here, have to contact my lawyer to let him know I moved and contact PA assistance and cancel my benefits there. All involving phone calls, which, if you have read my previous posts you know, for me, is next to impossible. Which means I have to get my son to do all that for me. I hate to bother him but it has to be done and I know he doesn't mind. Will have to be done in the next couple weeks.

My birthday is Saturday. I know Steve will probably take me out for dinner or something. I will be 63 years old. I still don't feel it.....but I am starting to look it.  :(

As for Steve, he took me out to some new places this past weekend and we had such a great time just being together. In between, I helped him finish putting his fourth grill (he loves grilling) together that we started 2 weeks ago....its half gas and half for charcoal. I know he is very happy about that.

But we have had a couple of emotional heart to heart's. The last one I told him I was beginning to feel like a friend with benefits. I believe he took that to heart because this weekend was probably the best time I have had with him since we met. He told me he was sorry but was being cautious with me....not allowing himself to feel too much. I told him I wasn't his ex girlfriend....I am real and sincere. He also said he sucks at relationships and sometimes needs a good kick in the ass....his words. Well, I think that what I said was that kick in the ass for him....I believe he doesn't want to lose me. Again, I don't think I am in love with him, although I do "love" him. Its a different feeling. I am not saying I won't fall in love with him but that won't come without more from him. I just know that this weekend was a step in the right direction for us. He was sweet and more affectionate and the sex was more about me than about him. He does have his flaws.....mostly when driving. He can't stand to let any little mistake by another driver go unnoticed....he has to honk and give the finger. I am not to used to that kind of behavior and it causes me anxiety. I am getting to the point where I want to close my eyes from the moment I am in his car till the moment I get out. But on the other hand, he LOVES to drive and will go anywhere and I need someone like that who wants to take me all kinds of new places.....SO different from Ron. I am enjoying the experiences. But Steve is blue collar all the way....I have never had a relationship with a blue collar guy. And NO, I am not a snob....if a guy is respectful and treats me well, that's the main thing. But he is rougher around the edges than either Jim or Ron and its taking some getting used to.  But he can be SO sweet and caring. He said he cares for me and that's how I feel about him. We'll see how things progress.

The song for today is VERY old....from 1930. "I'm So Afraid of You" by the Ipana Troubadours. In a way, its how I feel with Steve....he knows how I feel about him but there are times I wish I hadn't told him. Still, things are good and I hope they stay that way. Hopefully by my next post, I will have gotten my SSI and I can start working on getting a place of my own. Stay tuned.

High Anxiety (Caution - some adult stuff)

I haven't forgotten my blog....just seems like I don't have the patience to write lately. This week I am at my brother's house. I had hoped that it would be a relaxing stress free week but things never work out the way you plan them. First I did a dumb thing.... I was trying to put nail polish on and I dripped some onto my $80 Torrid jeans. I freaked out.... these are my new jeans and I knew I was never going to get the stain out.... which I didn't completely. But I tried nail polish remover and hairspray. At first I didn't think it helped, but I washed them a second time and the polish faded enough that I don't think anyone will notice. I can still see it a bit but mainly because I know where it is. I can live with it.

But that was just the beginning. Today I was cleaning my teeth when suddenly something popped out of my mouth. When I looked, I noticed a piece of my tooth fell onto my lap.... it had broken off the back of one of my lower front teeth. I couldn't believe it.... what else could happen? Now I have this chunk out of my tooth and it feels so strange. Thankfully it came out of the back of the tooth so you can't see it from the front but I'm going to have to go to the dentist and find out if it can be fixed. I saved the piece of tooth and I'm hoping they can perhaps glue it back on. If not maybe they can fill the tooth in but God only knows what that will cost.

I am still seeing the same man I was at Christmas time. His name is Steve and things are going pretty well. He is very kind and caring but I'm still getting used to the fact that he is a conservative and I am liberal. We avoid talking politics so we don't get into any arguments on that front. My problem now is I find I am beginning to get attached to him which would be nice except I don't know what his feelings are and I'm not the kind to come out and ask for fear of disappointment. I believe he cares for me but I'm not sure how deep those feelings go. I can't say I'm in love with him.... it's too soon for that although I have to admit I did fall in love with Jim in only a couple months. And with Ron in only about a month. But there are certain things about Steve that give me pause.... His weight being the main obstacle. He says he is going to lose weight. He says he wants to do anything he can to please me. But he has a lot of weight to lose and it won't be easy for him.... he likes to eat... a lot. And if he doesn't lose the weight I don't want to be so attached to him that I find it hard to break it off. I don't want to break it off but I already had one nightmare where he died of a heart attack and that just freaked me out. I've gone through that with two men now.... two men I loved dying from heart disease. I don't think I can handle going through that a third time....I still have PTSD from it. And yet, how can I hold my emotions in check? And should I? Should I just take the chance? No.... I can't. It's not just a health issue.... it's also an intimacy issue. He is too big to do much for me....I have to be the one to do most everything. And I can't. I need a man who can love me physically as well as emotionally. Both are equally important to me.

But I am finding that I feel comfortable in more ways with Steve than I did with Ron. I couldn't talk to Ron about some things, whereas with Steve I find myself telling him things I never dared tell Ron....about my mental issues especially. Maybe the fact that Steve deals with mental patients every day at his job and seems to understand a lot of what I deal with is the reason. And I can talk about sex with Steve much easier, too. We have a lot in common....we both have an interest in Sub/Dom, bondage and punishment. Not sadistic stuff...just light. And he is very intent on pleasing me, which is wonderful. I never thought at my age that I would find a renewed interest in sex play or someone who would do anything to satisfy me that way. Still, he HAS to lose weight....we are limited as to what we can do. I have patience but it will only last if I see improvement.

I have noticed in the last month or so my anxiety has been increasing...not exactly why. I will have to talk to my Dr. next week and probably go back on daily meds again. I don't want to, but this constant feeling in my gut that won't go away is getting hard to take. Guess I will be like this the rest of my life.

Well, I am starting to yawn so I better think about getting some sleep. I am only here till Sunday then its back to the dungeon. Not for much longer, I hope, and then I can start getting my life back on track. The song for the day is "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. That song pretty much fits me to a T...might have to tell Steve that.

Another Christmas

It's another year gone and Christmas will be here tomorrow. And another year where Christmas just seems like another day. I WILL be at my brother's for the day along with my daughter so that is good. But thinking of Ron, the anniversary of his death having just passed, and all the wonderful Christmases we had together. No tree or decorations again for me this year. It is SO frustrating and I feel so left out of everything. Not to mention, this year I had no money to buy gifts. The only person that is getting a small gift is my daughter....I can't even give my grandchildren anything. It sucks.

But that is really all the negatives out of the way. A lot has happened in the last month. The man I mentioned in my last post. Well, we decided to give it another try and I am glad we did. Things are going well....we had our first real date last night and it was great. He took me out to dinner and I got a bit high on Long Island Iced Teas....which felt good. I don't get drunk very often and I know my limit. But my new boyfriend is very nice....and he is interesting to listen to. Done so much in his life and is a great storyteller. Afterward, he took me back to his house and we spent the night together. It felt good to be next to a man again. I do like him.....and he says he likes me, which I have no reason not to believe. The obese side is something he has to address and he says he will, so we shall see. But having someone to spend time with....to be romanced by....it's something I have needed after 2 years of emotional isolation. The depression is easing up as a result...but not only because of him.

One of my brothers found out I was swimming in credit card debt left over from Ron's death. He is going to help me get out from under. He already sent me enough to pay off one of my credit cards....YAY! A better Christmas present I couldn't have asked for. That will leave only one card to deal with. And he also sent me a gift card for myself. I am lucky to have a caring brother! And a caring son!....he sent me a couple hundred dollars to tide me over.

The house I am living in will probably be sold in the next couple months. That would normally be a time to panic but I have a place to go. My ex is leaving the country for a year for work and told me I could stay at his place. I am thrilled! I will be living with my daughter and will get to see her more often but I will be in the finished basement which will give me some privacy as well as more room than a bedroom. And I will be back in NJ again...where I want to be! Hopefully, that year's time will get things straightened out for me as far as my finances and finding a permanent place to live. Maybe my brother will be home by then, too.

Everyone has been saying what a horrible year 2016 was...I have to kind of agree. I think 2017 is shaping up to be much better. I still have anxiety issues but that's something that will always be with me. At least the depression seems to be gone for the most part. The coming year I want to get off all my meds and start living my life again....and not be alone anymore.

Merry Christmas! As for my song, just pick your favorite Christmas song....any one will work, as I like mostly all of them anyway. ;)