Thursday, March 23, 2017

High Anxiety (Caution - some adult stuff)

I haven't forgotten my blog....just seems like I don't have the patience to write lately. This week I am at my brother's house. I had hoped that it would be a relaxing stress free week but things never work out the way you plan them. First I did a dumb thing.... I was trying to put nail polish on and I dripped some onto my $80 Torrid jeans. I freaked out.... these are my new jeans and I knew I was never going to get the stain out.... which I didn't completely. But I tried nail polish remover and hairspray. At first I didn't think it helped, but I washed them a second time and the polish faded enough that I don't think anyone will notice. I can still see it a bit but mainly because I know where it is. I can live with it.

But that was just the beginning. Today I was cleaning my teeth when suddenly something popped out of my mouth. When I looked, I noticed a piece of my tooth fell onto my lap.... it had broken off the back of one of my lower front teeth. I couldn't believe it.... what else could happen? Now I have this chunk out of my tooth and it feels so strange. Thankfully it came out of the back of the tooth so you can't see it from the front but I'm going to have to go to the dentist and find out if it can be fixed. I saved the piece of tooth and I'm hoping they can perhaps glue it back on. If not maybe they can fill the tooth in but God only knows what that will cost.

I am still seeing the same man I was at Christmas time. His name is Steve and things are going pretty well. He is very kind and caring but I'm still getting used to the fact that he is a conservative and I am liberal. We avoid talking politics so we don't get into any arguments on that front. My problem now is I find I am beginning to get attached to him which would be nice except I don't know what his feelings are and I'm not the kind to come out and ask for fear of disappointment. I believe he cares for me but I'm not sure how deep those feelings go. I can't say I'm in love with him.... it's too soon for that although I have to admit I did fall in love with Jim in only a couple months. And with Ron in only about a month. But there are certain things about Steve that give me pause.... His weight being the main obstacle. He says he is going to lose weight. He says he wants to do anything he can to please me. But he has a lot of weight to lose and it won't be easy for him.... he likes to eat... a lot. And if he doesn't lose the weight I don't want to be so attached to him that I find it hard to break it off. I don't want to break it off but I already had one nightmare where he died of a heart attack and that just freaked me out. I've gone through that with two men now.... two men I loved dying from heart disease. I don't think I can handle going through that a third time....I still have PTSD from it. And yet, how can I hold my emotions in check? And should I? Should I just take the chance? No.... I can't. It's not just a health issue.... it's also an intimacy issue. He is too big to do much for me....I have to be the one to do most everything. And I can't. I need a man who can love me physically as well as emotionally. Both are equally important to me.

But I am finding that I feel comfortable in more ways with Steve than I did with Ron. I couldn't talk to Ron about some things, whereas with Steve I find myself telling him things I never dared tell Ron....about my mental issues especially. Maybe the fact that Steve deals with mental patients every day at his job and seems to understand a lot of what I deal with is the reason. And I can talk about sex with Steve much easier, too. We have a lot in common....we both have an interest in Sub/Dom, bondage and punishment. Not sadistic stuff...just light. And he is very intent on pleasing me, which is wonderful. I never thought at my age that I would find a renewed interest in sex play or someone who would do anything to satisfy me that way. Still, he HAS to lose weight....we are limited as to what we can do. I have patience but it will only last if I see improvement.

I have noticed in the last month or so my anxiety has been increasing...not exactly why. I will have to talk to my Dr. next week and probably go back on daily meds again. I don't want to, but this constant feeling in my gut that won't go away is getting hard to take. Guess I will be like this the rest of my life.

Well, I am starting to yawn so I better think about getting some sleep. I am only here till Sunday then its back to the dungeon. Not for much longer, I hope, and then I can start getting my life back on track. The song for the day is "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. That song pretty much fits me to a T...might have to tell Steve that.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Another Christmas

It's another year gone and Christmas will be here tomorrow. And another year where Christmas just seems like another day. I WILL be at my brother's for the day along with my daughter so that is good. But thinking of Ron, the anniversary of his death having just passed, and all the wonderful Christmases we had together. No tree or decorations again for me this year. It is SO frustrating and I feel so left out of everything. Not to mention, this year I had no money to buy gifts. The only person that is getting a small gift is my daughter....I can't even give my grandchildren anything. It sucks.

But that is really all the negatives out of the way. A lot has happened in the last month. The man I mentioned in my last post. Well, we decided to give it another try and I am glad we did. Things are going well....we had our first real date last night and it was great. He took me out to dinner and I got a bit high on Long Island Iced Teas....which felt good. I don't get drunk very often and I know my limit. But my new boyfriend is very nice....and he is interesting to listen to. Done so much in his life and is a great storyteller. Afterward, he took me back to his house and we spent the night together. It felt good to be next to a man again. I do like him.....and he says he likes me, which I have no reason not to believe. The obese side is something he has to address and he says he will, so we shall see. But having someone to spend time be romanced's something I have needed after 2 years of emotional isolation. The depression is easing up as a result...but not only because of him.

One of my brothers found out I was swimming in credit card debt left over from Ron's death. He is going to help me get out from under. He already sent me enough to pay off one of my credit cards....YAY! A better Christmas present I couldn't have asked for. That will leave only one card to deal with. And he also sent me a gift card for myself. I am lucky to have a caring brother! And a caring son!....he sent me a couple hundred dollars to tide me over.

The house I am living in will probably be sold in the next couple months. That would normally be a time to panic but I have a place to go. My ex is leaving the country for a year for work and told me I could stay at his place. I am thrilled! I will be living with my daughter and will get to see her more often but I will be in the finished basement which will give me some privacy as well as more room than a bedroom. And I will be back in NJ again...where I want to be! Hopefully, that year's time will get things straightened out for me as far as my finances and finding a permanent place to live. Maybe my brother will be home by then, too.

Everyone has been saying what a horrible year 2016 was...I have to kind of agree. I think 2017 is shaping up to be much better. I still have anxiety issues but that's something that will always be with me. At least the depression seems to be gone for the most part. The coming year I want to get off all my meds and start living my life again....and not be alone anymore.

Merry Christmas! As for my song, just pick your favorite Christmas song....any one will work, as I like mostly all of them anyway. ;)

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

How's Your Love Life? (Adult Content)

Well...things have progressed a bit since my last post...not necessarily for the best, but...

First off, the man I spoke of in my last post decided he would rather get back with the wife who left him nearly a year ago and was verbally abusing him than try making a life with a woman who would only treat him with love and respect...go figure. Not to mention his manipulating daughter who is using her granddaughter as a bargaining chip to get her father back with her mother. Funny how all this suddenly came about AFTER they found out he was dating. Well, fine....I think they all deserve each other. I feel used and humiliated. And then he says if it doesn't work out he will look for me. Yeah....SMH! Well, its partly my own fault....I broke my rule about dating separated men. Never again. 

And then I met another guy. Again, I broke a rule....don't date obese men. Too bad...he is a nice guy.....very intelligent and fun and has lots of stories. Been around the world as an AF pilot. But he let himself go and he has physical issues I am finding it hard to get past. With me, all the plumbing works and I need someone with the same attribute. What amazes ME is that he kept hinting at how BIG he was....and he wasn't talking about his belly. He is not even a really average size. Although he probably hasn't seen himself lately and can't tell....even if he looked in a mirror it wouldn't help as he has what is known as a retracted penis....happens to obese men. This may be all TMI but it makes me wonder WHY men build themselves up only to be outed and embarrassed when the truth comes out, which it invariably has to.....and then put the blame on ME?? He says he is going to do something about his physical problems but why wait until he is DATING? Why didn't he do it ages ago.....get in shape and then go looking with confidence and not have to exaggerate about himself. He is thinking over whether or not he wants to continue seeing me. I really don't care. He basically lied and to me that is uncalled for. So I continue to search. 

I am getting a lot of interest but mainly from men who seem to have little intelligence or live across the country. The only reason a guy from Florida or California would have an interest in me is online sex.....dream on, fellas. And if they have a genuine interest, they must realize I have NO desire to leave this area....especially when I have that in my profile....unless they don't read those. 

I am sick right now....bad sinus infection. I hate this! I always get sick around the holidays and its so frustrating. It also means I wont be showering until I feel better...which might not be for several days. But I have a wonderful daughter! She went on Grub Hub last night, ordered and paid for Chinese take out to be delivered to me this afternoon....lots of wonton soup and shrimp with broccoli. Enough for another day. Maybe I will feel better enough then to get out to the store for something to eat. 

My moods have been up and down....the holidays are having an affect on me. I went to Ron's son's house for Thanksgiving and actually had a great time. Sat next to his son at dinner and we talked. He cried over his father when I spoke of him....didn't mean to upset him. I was trying to make him see that his father is still with him as I feel he is with me. And I have felt that lately. It may just be because its coming up on the anniversary of his death....has it really only been 2 years? Feels like more. I carry the baggage of his death, Jim's death, my mother's death, my sister's death and all the other deaths I have dealt with. I seem to be obsessed with it sometimes. 

An odd thing happened to me. It was the night I found out Leonard Cohen died. Not sure if that is significant or not but its an interesting coincidence. I was lying in bed falling asleep when suddenly words started popping into my head. More and more of them and I was compelled to record them so I grabbed my phone, opened my memo app and started typing. When I finished, I had 2 stanzas of an unfinished poem. The words stopped coming so I put the phone down and went to sleep. In the morning when I awoke, the words started coming again. I picked up my phone and started typing again.....3 more stanzas....and I realized I was writing about myself. When I read the finished poem, it made me cry. But it was the fact that this never happened to me before. I have been writing poetry off and on since I was in high school but the poems never came to me like that. It was almost like someone's spirit got into my head and said, "Write is your lament.", which made me think maybe Leonard Cohen was inside me, writing the words. Silly, I know but its kinda spooky. My therapist seems to think that it was my mind's way of trying to get me to put my pain into words so I could deal with it. I have my doubts about that.

I share the poem with whoever wishes to read it. Its actually one of the best things I ever wrote. And you must remember I have NO idea where the words came from....

The Road

She travels in her mind
Down a road that leads to someplace
Where she's never found the solace
That's escaped her since her childhood
Though she moves along quite willing.

She hears the haunting echoes
Of the voices in her past
And she cannot understand
Why their words are incoherent
But the memory still burns her.

She sees the scattered ashes
Of the men she loved and lost
But she thinks as she walks past them
There will always be another
Who will take what she will offer.

She reaches for the altar
Where the light is nearly blinding
And again she searches vainly
For His arms to wrap around her
While her mind slowly betrays her.

Her eyes have finally opened
And she sees the lonely graveyard
With the plot she tends so gently
Trying not to feel the future
And her place beneath the flowers. 
The song I am thinking of today is Elton John's "Step Into Christmas"....its the ringtone my daughter insists I use for her at this time of year. And its one of my favorite Christmas songs. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

A Match?

As I wrote in my last post, I have my profile back up on I have had a few nibbles, one of which was a total washout. I felt sorry for the guy....30 years ago he was gorgeous and hunky. Now he is overweight, can hardly walk and simply isn't attractive to me.  And he is impotent, which, again, I feel bad for him but I need a guy whose plumbing works. He latched onto me really fast....I felt SO bad for him. He really is a sweet guy but he is very Type A, which is ok but he tends to push himself on others as a defense against his insecurities. One time meeting me and he was in love with me! Anyway, I let that whole thing go. I am not that shallow and neither Jim nor Ron were Mr. Americas. But they were more healthy that this guy.

However, I have been corresponding with someone new. He seems pretty normal, is in great shape and is intelligent. Also seems to have a lot in common with me. I would really like to meet him so I can make a better determination but I am in Boston visiting with my son and his family for a few weeks. So he and I have been emailing. He actually said he was going to let his Match membership expire since he found me....that was nice. Still, I have learned that you really need to MEET the person before you can know anything for sure. He isn't an Adonis but he isn't ugly me. And he has a HOT TUB! Boy, do I miss being in one of them. I had one many years ago when I lived with Jim but I couldn't take it with me when we moved. Anyway, I am hoping things work out with him. There is another guy that I was writing too but he is further away. Still, I won't throw all my eggs in one basket yet....I learned that lesson the last time I was on Match.

I haven't been able to spend much time with my granddaughter as she is on the opposite schedule than me....up all night, sleeping all afternoon and part of the evening. I have been trying to keep busy, though...been baking cookies and keeping the kitchen relatively clean, which is appreciated. I will do more baking in the next several days. I ordered a laptop travel case from Amazon and had it delivered here because I brought my laptop with me (wasn't going to be without that for 3 weeks) but my daughter drove me up here so I didn't need a case. I will need one on the way back since I will probably be taking the train.

I have had 2 anxiety attacks since I got here. Was sitting in a chair in the living room and they just came over me....don't really know why. With the first one I told my son I needed to go upstairs so I didn't have a meltdown in front of the kids and then I ran up 2 flights to my room. The other one, no one was in the room so I just sweated it out until it passed. I brought my Clonidine with me but I rarely take that unless I am having a bad day because of the side effects....this was just 15 minutes or so. Still, I HATE it.

I don't miss therapy but will have to go back to it when I return.

As you can tell, with the exception of the anxiety attacks, I am more relaxed being away from the house I am staying in. I hope this continues. I have been finding a lot of comfort and happiness in my music. I am SO glad I decided to get YouTube Red....being able to hear anything even when I am offline is worth the money. Love being able to take music I love anywhere and enjoy it.

Speaking of music, one of my all time favorite oldies is "Just My Style" by Garry Lewis and the Playboys....its a fun, upbeat song that always gets me moving. I just added it to my playlist. Maybe when I post again I will have more news on the Match front.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

The New Abnormal

I did some review papers at the therapists office the other day.....stuff I filled out the first day I was in therapy. They ask you questions and you answer as to your levels of anxiety in each case. I did the math and I am still moderately depressed. I think that's about the same as the last time I filled in those forms. Problem is the questions....most really don't pertain to my issues. I have situational anxiety.....if  I avoid those situations that cause me panic and anxiety, I am pretty normal. But put me in those situations and I freak out. How do you test for something like that except to torture me with situations that will cause me to panic?

I put my profile up on and although I had some interest, there was little in the way of reciprocation. I am not expecting a hunk but if I look at a guy's photo and nothing happens....well, no sense in pursuing it. I did have one guy that I thought was a possibility....until he tried to scam money out of me. And it was SO obvious it was funny! I guess guys overseas think all we American women are desperate, stupid and rich....HA! He sure picked the wrong girl! I am not sure if its going to work as well this time (I met Ron on Match about 13 years ago). The older you get, the fewer men there are out there looking for a partner. Still, I bit the bullet and paid the fee for 6 months....we'll see what happens

I have been watching "True Blood" on my computer. for the past couple daughter got me started on it. I am on the last season and I am enjoying it.....a lot of it is funny as hell. But something happened a few minutes ago that never happened to me before. I was watching a dream sequence with Jason and Eric and the 2 of them starting to make love and I was SO completely turned on by it! I have NEVER gotten any pleasure from watching 2 guys go at it.....ever.....and I have seen a lot of porn over the years. But these 2 guys....well, both are hot as hell and the acting was SO damn convincing that I was in tears and so excited. I had to pause the video just to calm down! It makes no sense but both those guys should have gotten Emmy awards just for THAT scene.

So I guess that should tell you that I am STILL a bit crazy when it comes to sex. I can't remember when I have felt this way. And at 62 years old, how much chance do I have that I am going to find someone who feels the way I do? Is 60 the new 40? Maybe. I wish I could go exercise just to get rid of the sexual tension I feel. Tomorrow I will DEFINITELY go to the gym and get on the bike....I need it for more reasons than one.

And I rejoined MFP....if you know what that is. I lost 50 pounds on that before Ron died and I gained back 15....time to get that off and THEN some. Now is a good time with the weather cooling off.

The house here is being emptied of all the owners stuff in preparation for sale. Not sure when that will be but I am nervous. I have NO say in where I will end up and I am scared. Trying hard NOT to think about it too much.

The song this time is from "True Blood"......"Why Did You Leave Me Now?" by Liz Rodrigues. It reminded me of Ron....and I thought it was a beautiful song. And I rarely like female singers.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Did Your Grandmother Have Sex? (Adult Content)

When you get to a certain age, as I have, you might have occasion to look back and think about your grandmother (if you knew one) and thing about what they looked like, how they acted. I remember my grandmother (paternal) and all I can really remember is how icy she was.... a very Victorian type of woman. She wasn't loving or particularly caring that I could see. We rarely saw her as she lived on the other side of the city and my father wasn't very keen on driving there...mainly because, like me, he didn't want to drive a way he wasn't familiar with so we had to take the LONG way to get there, as it was the only route he knew. However, I digress.

I have a feeling, due to generational differences, that my grandparents probably didn't have sex when they were senior citizens. Now granted, my grandfather died in his 60's so they wouldn't have had much chance. But I honestly believe they only did it to have kids, which was pretty much how it was in their time, not to mention my grandmother's personality. Now that I have reached the age of 62, I think to myself, "How do you live without it?" Its a problem I am facing now.

I didn't have a problem before....the meds were knocking my libido in the toilet. But since I took myself off them, things have changed drastically. I MISS making love.....terribly! Not just sex, though. I can masturbate with the best of them and get off. But that only lasts short time. And fantasizing about someone making love to you is frustrating at best. I look at Ron's picture and I think back to when we had sex. He was mostly into the act, not so much getting there. Not that I blame him....that's how most men are. And realizing that our last night of sex was what led to his heart attack makes me feel sad and a bit guilty. But I have to believe that there are men out there that enjoy the touch and feel of a woman's body as much as copulation, if for no other reason than they know that THAT is what pleases their partner. A truly caring man will take the time to explore a woman...especially now at my age where there is no possibility of accidental pregnancies or having to worry about time constraints.

I had thought about going back on the Fluvox just to help with the feelings but I can't....I feel MORE alive this way than I did when my sex drive was practically non existent... .and I don't want to lose that feeling! I am torn between suffering with the side effects and wanting more than anything to start looking for a partner....something SWORE I would never do after Ron died. Funny how we pass through feelings. Its like childbirth....we all SWEAR we will never have another child and go through all that pain again, but the memory fades and we have another baby anyway. I still have the memory of Ron's dead body in that bathroom and the horror and fear and sadness I experienced. But here I am.....yearning for another man to love and be loved by. Not exclusively for the physical but right now, that is what I am obsessed with. I read sexy romance novels....something  haven't done since I was in my 20's.....and wish the heroine was me. But its not giving me what I really need. And its so can't talk to your KIDS about this sort of thing and I don't have anyone else. I did tell my psych Dr....he thought it was GREAT! But not so great if you don't have an appropriate outlet and even he admitted that going out to find someone for sex wasn't such a great idea. However, as I said, its not just sex I need.....its love. Everyone needs it. The physical and the emotional. I have never been one who could be alone for too long. I am not yet TOO old looking, although I see the changes in my body and I hate them. Still, I am attractive enough that a man would find me pleasing. But not if I wait TOO much longer. therapist quit. They gave me another one....a man. I saw him once and couldn't understand most of what he said....accent was TOO heavy. I never went back. So right now I don't have a therapist but I really don't care....I am happier without one. If I can find another woman who I can understand and who I can talk to, I will try again. But therapy, for me, is just having someone to talk to. That's really what friends are for....but I don't have any of those.

The song for this time is "When I'm Sixty-Four" by the Beatles. Hell, I'd take THAT life in a heartbeat if it was offered.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Adult Make Believe

(I started a post, got nearly finished and accidentally deleted it. I was SO frustrated, I just turned off the computer. I am going to try again today.)

Have you ever made up stories in your head....even tried acting them out when you are alone? I have been doing this off and on since I was a kid. Now as a kid, its considered perfectly normal to play make believe. But an adult? Well, for me its a coping mechanism. When things aren't going quite the way I would wish them, I turn to my imagination. I make myself a hero in my stories....strong, brave, intelligent, beautiful...all the things I wish I was. In some instances, I am a time traveler....or a starship captain....or even a courtesan. Now you can go ahead and laugh but my mind does what it must to cope with the loneliness.....the isolation. It works. And it doesn't hurt anyone.

When I was in high school, I channeled this make believe into a play I wrote....very impromptu. I got an A+ on it with a notation by teacher that read "See me" next to the grade. So I went up after class and he told me he was SO impressed with the play that he thought I should submit it to the school literary mag. I was flattered but being the brunt of ceaseless bullying, I didn't want to give anyone any ammunition. So I kept the play to myself. I wish I still had it....I spend a whole night writing it because I made it up as I went along the night before it was due....and I had to type it  so no editing. It was quite an achievement. I think I got an hour of sleep after I finished it before I had to get up for school.

I wanted to be an actress and I think I would have been good at it. But I didn't have the courage to do it. So as a way of releasing that part of me, I have acted out in my imagination. I read books aloud and pretend to be one of the characters. I can mimic many accents....don't know where that came from but it got me a major part in a school musical. I can do several English accents as well as Irish, Scots, French, Spanish, Russian, Indian, German....don't know where that "talent" came from but I got it. I can be a man or a woman.....especially now that my voice, due to menopause, is somewhat in a lower register. I used to be a first Soprano....not anymore.

Oddly, I decided to Google "adult make believe" and found literally nothing. Now I find it hard to believe I am the only one in the world that does this.....or maybe I am the only one who ADMITS to doing it....ha,ha! Or maybe that's the definition of an actor....someone who plays make believe. But not quite. There is a difference between doing something as a job and doing it as a means of keeping one's sanity. I only do this when I have lost my partner or just don't have one, hence my doing it now. Its a substitute for love, too. Not a perfect one but when all you have is yourself, you make do.

I am still doing a lot of reading. I have had the first 4 "Outlander" books since they were printed and I read the first 2. I started "Voyager" back in '94 but only finished a couple chapters (probably because this was about the time my marriage started to go south) so I picked it up again this weekend and am already more than halfway through it. My daughter can't understand how anyone can read them....too much descriptive text. But I find it very readable. I have the 4th book as well and will probably read that. I actually enjoy the books more than the tv series.

I have to see a new medical Dr. on Tuesday and I am very anxious about it. I hope it goes well.

My song today is "Make Believe it's Your First Time" by the Carpenters. I have acted out THAT, too.