Friday, January 26, 2018

New Year Again

Well, more than 3 years have come and gone since Ron died and I am still in limbo. But things starting to stir a bit.

First, over the holidays, the friend I was writing to and I had a bit of an email blow up and we didn't talk again until about 2 weeks ago. We mutually decided to step back a bit, which was the right thing to was getting TOO intense when we weren't able to meet up. I think we still will eventually but I don't know when that will be. Meantime, I am trying to concentrate on my health and finding a place to live and not have to be stuck in a room with no life.

I also have a date for my SSI hearing....March 19th. I am nervous as heck but trying to NOT think about it too much. I keep thinking I HAVE to win this case but with the current atmosphere in the government, I can only hope for the best. I had several Dr. appointments in December and January an am on meds for cholesterol and blood pressure as well as adding to my Metformin for my diabetes. They are all helping, I can tell. I have been trying to eat better but I keep slipping. I can't let go of the sweets, especially when I am depressed. I just finished eating an ice cream sandwich and a cherry pie. So will try again tomorrow. I need to start testing my blood sugar, too. I get my bloodwork done again in a few weeks to see if there is any improvement.

I went to view an apartment today....a second floor, one bedroom one bath with the bedroom on the third floor. Its above a store in the city and I do like it. It needs work so it's not available for a couple months. Meanwhile, I will keep looking for others.

I met another man online. He is very sweet but I don't see a real future there. Still, I do like him and enjoy spending time with him. He has connections in the county as he used to work for it and knows a LOT of people. He helped me find the apartment and says he knows other people he can contact. He is going to help me move when the time comes and seems to just want to help me wherever he can...he has even made phone calls for me. I am SO grateful to have someone to lean on a bit.

Still haven't seen a psychiatrist. Not from lack of trying....they won't take my insurance which means it will come out of my pocket. But I HAVE to be under psychiatrists care or they will think I am not trying to get better....never mind that that isn't going to happen, I still have to make it LOOK like I am making the attempt.

I wish there was a magical medication to take away anxiety. They can help people with drug and alcohol addictions but mental illnesses are looked upon as a weakness and not an illness. So many people like me whose lives could be so much better if only more was done to help them. I was able to see a GP, an Ob/Gyn, an Ophthalmologist and a Gastroenterologist with no problem. But a psychiatrist? Nope. No wonder this country is such a mental mess.

Next time I write, I hope I have even more positive news. No song this time....I can't really think of one.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Getting Back up on the Horse

There are things that I think about being when I will have my SSI hearing. It causes me a lot of anxiety....not because of the actual hearing but getting to it, talking to a lawyer I have never met (I have spoken on occasion about my fear of strangers) and then more waiting for a decision. With the current political climate, I have NO idea if I have any chance of getting the help I need. It has not been easy these nearly 20 months.

I finally got my food stamp card.....didn't realize I had to actually pick it up at the welfare office. Nothing on the approval letter mentioned that. Upside is there is 3 months worth of money in there....that helps.

But there are things that keep my mine occupied. One was dating....and finding a man who could look past my past....and my present. I thought I had found one. But it was not to be.

My friend broke it off a couple weeks ago....although I didn't actually find out until I found him on the dating site we met on. He couldn't even tell me....claimed he had to get himself fixed before he could think about another relationship. What a fool I was! He couldn't handle the truth about himself so he is off to find another woman who won't tell him the truth...who will butter him up and take advantage of him. Well...his loss. It could have been good. But I am glad I didn't fall for him....the betrayal was tough, but if I had loved him, it would have been a lot harder. He has moved on....and so have I.

I am back online looking for someone else, But I may not have to look as far this time.

About 18 years ago when I was separated, I met a guy on We spent some time together....mostly between the sheets. But we had a connection that went deeper. Still, the timing was wrong....he was into his career and it monopolized most of his time. He had SEVEN jobs....I counted them. To make a long story short, I gave it up and moved on. But we remained friends....mostly online....and kept in contact over the years. When Ron and I broke up, he came to visit me. I know he wanted to try and start over, but I was still in love with Ron and we ended up getting back together. Still, this gentleman and I remained in contact. In fact he apologized to me several times for not realizing that we should have been together in the beginning, but he was a different man back then....his career was everything and everything else came after. As a result, he had his share of pain over the years as well. Nothing like mine, he admits, but enough to make him regret that he treated me so casually. 

Before my friend broke things off....about a month ago,...this gentleman and I started emailing again. He listened to all my woes and complaints as he usually did and was sympathetic. After my friend finally ended things, this gentleman and I decided to try again to connect...he is going to arrange to come up where I am in a couple weeks. I am hopeful that, perhaps THIS time, things will work out for us. He still works but not QUITE as intensely and he does plan to retire next year. He does live about an hour away but hopefully that won't be too big a stumbling block. Whatever happens, we have decided that we will ALWAYS be friends....and for that I am happy. And if it doesn't work, I will always have online dating to fall back on. ex SIL apologized for her outburst and has given me her schedule for the next couple months so I know when she will be working and I can have the TV...LOL! Silly,  but it works. I have the TV tonight. :D

My brother in Japan sent me a really cool kabuki lion doll and a case to keep it in . Actually came through the mail unscathed. Its a bit BIG and I don't have a lot of room but I have it on a table and its safe. My brother is awesome!

That's all for now. I am a bit restless and can't really concentrate on writing. But today's song is You Better Love Somebody by Rick Springfield. I live in hope.

Saturday, August 26, 2017


It's something you have to deal with on occasion. I had to deal with it about a week or so ago. 

My ex SIL whom I am sharing the house with blew up at me and asked me when I was going to start looking for a job and she didn't see ANY disability in me. Also went on about how EVERYONE has anxiety and depression.....even her....and SHE still works. And she doesn't want HER tax money supporting me OR her brother housing me.

This all came out of left field....I was  NOT expecting it. I didn't know what to say to her. I just went down to the basement and had an anxiety attack. Then I called my son in tears and told him what happened. He was angry but he got me calmed down and told me he was sorry that SOME people just don't understand....or WANT to....and to try and ignore her ignorance. I felt better after I talked to him. Then my ex BIL called me and apologized for his sister. I told him he didn't have to do that as it wasn't his fault. Then he asked me if I was comfortable and if there was anything he could do. I told him the only thing I lacked was the cable hooked up to the TV. He graciously offered to come over and see if he could fix that....which he did. I am VERY happy now.....I can watch the news and the baseball games. And the Queen can have the living room to herself. 

No one can understand another's affliction unless they too suffer from it. A disability isn't always something you can see....and you have no right to judge something you don't understand. 

Right now I am house sitting for my brother and except for being sick, I am enjoying every minute of it. I had a cold and sinus infection, which I was getting over when I caught ANOTHER cold. I have been sick for 3 weeks so add that on to the month I had poison ivy and hives, its nearly 2 months I have been sick this summer.....has really put a dent in the fun. Only got to the pool twice and to the beach twice. I am tired of coughing and peeing when I do. I just want to be well again....and stay that way.

Still have not heard about the SSI although my lawyer did send a letter to know he was still out there. I have been approved for food stamps and medical and await the cards for both.

Things are about the same with my beau. But he has till Sept. to start losing weight. If he can't do it, I can't invest any more time in the relationship. I can't have half a love life. I thought my talk and honesty as to my feelings would be enough to convince him he needed to change but I think they went in one ear and out the other. Only time will tell.

I reconnected with a man I have been friends since my divorce. We dated on and off and there were times I thought we might end up together but something always got in the way.....his career, my issues. But we have remained friends through it all. We started emailing after many years and he has not changed....but neither have I, really......except we are both older. I enjoy communicating with him.....he knows me so well and I can talk to him about anything. And with no therapist now, I need to talk sometimes.

I thought moving would solve some of my problems but it seems one gets solved and another pops up. I hope I will someday be free of all of them.

Today's song is "I'd Love You to Want Me" by Lobo. I hope he knows that.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

New/Old Digs

It dawned on me that its been a few months since I posted anything. So here I am.....catching up.

Things are getting better. Why? I have finally left the former residence behind! I am gone from PA and back in NJ. Where? Well, that's the funny part. I used to live here. It's my ex's house....used to be OUR house..but I wont rehash the past. Anyway, the ex is out of the country for a year with work and he said I could live here till he got back. I have moved into the finished basement (I stayed down here when my ex and I were separated) and its very comfortable. The room is nearly twice the size of where I was staying before with a large storage area for a lot of my stuff. Its cool because...well. its it's nice for summer. Its clean and cozy and well lit and there are lots of electrical outlets. unlike where I was. Its almost like having a private apartment....not to mention the room next to this is a fitness room with exercise machines! And I now have a usable kitchen and a clean bathroom with clean water. No more going to the gym to shower and no more bottled water! I even bought a gas bbq grill for the backyard.....I haven't used a grill since my divorce! I don't have a cable box but I don't really miss it. I have the smart TV, which is now connected to the WiFi here so I can watch Netflix and I also now have Amazon Prime so I can watch their stuff and movies. And, best of all, my daughter lives here and its SO nice to spend more time with her! I am very content.

But with a new residence comes anxiety, of could I avoid it?  I now have to apply for government assistance here, have to contact my lawyer to let him know I moved and contact PA assistance and cancel my benefits there. All involving phone calls, which, if you have read my previous posts you know, for me, is next to impossible. Which means I have to get my son to do all that for me. I hate to bother him but it has to be done and I know he doesn't mind. Will have to be done in the next couple weeks.

My birthday is Saturday. I know Steve will probably take me out for dinner or something. I will be 63 years old. I still don't feel it.....but I am starting to look it.  :(

As for Steve, he took me out to some new places this past weekend and we had such a great time just being together. In between, I helped him finish putting his fourth grill (he loves grilling) together that we started 2 weeks ago....its half gas and half for charcoal. I know he is very happy about that.

But we have had a couple of emotional heart to heart's. The last one I told him I was beginning to feel like a friend with benefits. I believe he took that to heart because this weekend was probably the best time I have had with him since we met. He told me he was sorry but was being cautious with me....not allowing himself to feel too much. I told him I wasn't his ex girlfriend....I am real and sincere. He also said he sucks at relationships and sometimes needs a good kick in the ass....his words. Well, I think that what I said was that kick in the ass for him....I believe he doesn't want to lose me. Again, I don't think I am in love with him, although I do "love" him. Its a different feeling. I am not saying I won't fall in love with him but that won't come without more from him. I just know that this weekend was a step in the right direction for us. He was sweet and more affectionate and the sex was more about me than about him. He does have his flaws.....mostly when driving. He can't stand to let any little mistake by another driver go unnoticed....he has to honk and give the finger. I am not to used to that kind of behavior and it causes me anxiety. I am getting to the point where I want to close my eyes from the moment I am in his car till the moment I get out. But on the other hand, he LOVES to drive and will go anywhere and I need someone like that who wants to take me all kinds of new places.....SO different from Ron. I am enjoying the experiences. But Steve is blue collar all the way....I have never had a relationship with a blue collar guy. And NO, I am not a snob....if a guy is respectful and treats me well, that's the main thing. But he is rougher around the edges than either Jim or Ron and its taking some getting used to.  But he can be SO sweet and caring. He said he cares for me and that's how I feel about him. We'll see how things progress.

The song for today is VERY old....from 1930. "I'm So Afraid of You" by the Ipana Troubadours. In a way, its how I feel with Steve....he knows how I feel about him but there are times I wish I hadn't told him. Still, things are good and I hope they stay that way. Hopefully by my next post, I will have gotten my SSI and I can start working on getting a place of my own. Stay tuned.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

High Anxiety (Caution - some adult stuff)

I haven't forgotten my blog....just seems like I don't have the patience to write lately. This week I am at my brother's house. I had hoped that it would be a relaxing stress free week but things never work out the way you plan them. First I did a dumb thing.... I was trying to put nail polish on and I dripped some onto my $80 Torrid jeans. I freaked out.... these are my new jeans and I knew I was never going to get the stain out.... which I didn't completely. But I tried nail polish remover and hairspray. At first I didn't think it helped, but I washed them a second time and the polish faded enough that I don't think anyone will notice. I can still see it a bit but mainly because I know where it is. I can live with it.

But that was just the beginning. Today I was cleaning my teeth when suddenly something popped out of my mouth. When I looked, I noticed a piece of my tooth fell onto my lap.... it had broken off the back of one of my lower front teeth. I couldn't believe it.... what else could happen? Now I have this chunk out of my tooth and it feels so strange. Thankfully it came out of the back of the tooth so you can't see it from the front but I'm going to have to go to the dentist and find out if it can be fixed. I saved the piece of tooth and I'm hoping they can perhaps glue it back on. If not maybe they can fill the tooth in but God only knows what that will cost.

I am still seeing the same man I was at Christmas time. His name is Steve and things are going pretty well. He is very kind and caring but I'm still getting used to the fact that he is a conservative and I am liberal. We avoid talking politics so we don't get into any arguments on that front. My problem now is I find I am beginning to get attached to him which would be nice except I don't know what his feelings are and I'm not the kind to come out and ask for fear of disappointment. I believe he cares for me but I'm not sure how deep those feelings go. I can't say I'm in love with him.... it's too soon for that although I have to admit I did fall in love with Jim in only a couple months. And with Ron in only about a month. But there are certain things about Steve that give me pause.... His weight being the main obstacle. He says he is going to lose weight. He says he wants to do anything he can to please me. But he has a lot of weight to lose and it won't be easy for him.... he likes to eat... a lot. And if he doesn't lose the weight I don't want to be so attached to him that I find it hard to break it off. I don't want to break it off but I already had one nightmare where he died of a heart attack and that just freaked me out. I've gone through that with two men now.... two men I loved dying from heart disease. I don't think I can handle going through that a third time....I still have PTSD from it. And yet, how can I hold my emotions in check? And should I? Should I just take the chance? No.... I can't. It's not just a health issue.... it's also an intimacy issue. He is too big to do much for me....I have to be the one to do most everything. And I can't. I need a man who can love me physically as well as emotionally. Both are equally important to me.

But I am finding that I feel comfortable in more ways with Steve than I did with Ron. I couldn't talk to Ron about some things, whereas with Steve I find myself telling him things I never dared tell Ron....about my mental issues especially. Maybe the fact that Steve deals with mental patients every day at his job and seems to understand a lot of what I deal with is the reason. And I can talk about sex with Steve much easier, too. We have a lot in common....we both have an interest in Sub/Dom, bondage and punishment. Not sadistic stuff...just light. And he is very intent on pleasing me, which is wonderful. I never thought at my age that I would find a renewed interest in sex play or someone who would do anything to satisfy me that way. Still, he HAS to lose weight....we are limited as to what we can do. I have patience but it will only last if I see improvement.

I have noticed in the last month or so my anxiety has been increasing...not exactly why. I will have to talk to my Dr. next week and probably go back on daily meds again. I don't want to, but this constant feeling in my gut that won't go away is getting hard to take. Guess I will be like this the rest of my life.

Well, I am starting to yawn so I better think about getting some sleep. I am only here till Sunday then its back to the dungeon. Not for much longer, I hope, and then I can start getting my life back on track. The song for the day is "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. That song pretty much fits me to a T...might have to tell Steve that.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Another Christmas

It's another year gone and Christmas will be here tomorrow. And another year where Christmas just seems like another day. I WILL be at my brother's for the day along with my daughter so that is good. But thinking of Ron, the anniversary of his death having just passed, and all the wonderful Christmases we had together. No tree or decorations again for me this year. It is SO frustrating and I feel so left out of everything. Not to mention, this year I had no money to buy gifts. The only person that is getting a small gift is my daughter....I can't even give my grandchildren anything. It sucks.

But that is really all the negatives out of the way. A lot has happened in the last month. The man I mentioned in my last post. Well, we decided to give it another try and I am glad we did. Things are going well....we had our first real date last night and it was great. He took me out to dinner and I got a bit high on Long Island Iced Teas....which felt good. I don't get drunk very often and I know my limit. But my new boyfriend is very nice....and he is interesting to listen to. Done so much in his life and is a great storyteller. Afterward, he took me back to his house and we spent the night together. It felt good to be next to a man again. I do like him.....and he says he likes me, which I have no reason not to believe. The obese side is something he has to address and he says he will, so we shall see. But having someone to spend time be romanced's something I have needed after 2 years of emotional isolation. The depression is easing up as a result...but not only because of him.

One of my brothers found out I was swimming in credit card debt left over from Ron's death. He is going to help me get out from under. He already sent me enough to pay off one of my credit cards....YAY! A better Christmas present I couldn't have asked for. That will leave only one card to deal with. And he also sent me a gift card for myself. I am lucky to have a caring brother! And a caring son!....he sent me a couple hundred dollars to tide me over.

The house I am living in will probably be sold in the next couple months. That would normally be a time to panic but I have a place to go. My ex is leaving the country for a year for work and told me I could stay at his place. I am thrilled! I will be living with my daughter and will get to see her more often but I will be in the finished basement which will give me some privacy as well as more room than a bedroom. And I will be back in NJ again...where I want to be! Hopefully, that year's time will get things straightened out for me as far as my finances and finding a permanent place to live. Maybe my brother will be home by then, too.

Everyone has been saying what a horrible year 2016 was...I have to kind of agree. I think 2017 is shaping up to be much better. I still have anxiety issues but that's something that will always be with me. At least the depression seems to be gone for the most part. The coming year I want to get off all my meds and start living my life again....and not be alone anymore.

Merry Christmas! As for my song, just pick your favorite Christmas song....any one will work, as I like mostly all of them anyway. ;)

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

How's Your Love Life? (Adult Content)

Well...things have progressed a bit since my last post...not necessarily for the best, but...

First off, the man I spoke of in my last post decided he would rather get back with the wife who left him nearly a year ago and was verbally abusing him than try making a life with a woman who would only treat him with love and respect...go figure. Not to mention his manipulating daughter who is using her granddaughter as a bargaining chip to get her father back with her mother. Funny how all this suddenly came about AFTER they found out he was dating. Well, fine....I think they all deserve each other. I feel used and humiliated. And then he says if it doesn't work out he will look for me. Yeah....SMH! Well, its partly my own fault....I broke my rule about dating separated men. Never again. 

And then I met another guy. Again, I broke a rule....don't date obese men. Too bad...he is a nice guy.....very intelligent and fun and has lots of stories. Been around the world as an AF pilot. But he let himself go and he has physical issues I am finding it hard to get past. With me, all the plumbing works and I need someone with the same attribute. What amazes ME is that he kept hinting at how BIG he was....and he wasn't talking about his belly. He is not even a really average size. Although he probably hasn't seen himself lately and can't tell....even if he looked in a mirror it wouldn't help as he has what is known as a retracted penis....happens to obese men. This may be all TMI but it makes me wonder WHY men build themselves up only to be outed and embarrassed when the truth comes out, which it invariably has to.....and then put the blame on ME?? He says he is going to do something about his physical problems but why wait until he is DATING? Why didn't he do it ages ago.....get in shape and then go looking with confidence and not have to exaggerate about himself. He is thinking over whether or not he wants to continue seeing me. I really don't care. He basically lied and to me that is uncalled for. So I continue to search. 

I am getting a lot of interest but mainly from men who seem to have little intelligence or live across the country. The only reason a guy from Florida or California would have an interest in me is online sex.....dream on, fellas. And if they have a genuine interest, they must realize I have NO desire to leave this area....especially when I have that in my profile....unless they don't read those. 

I am sick right now....bad sinus infection. I hate this! I always get sick around the holidays and its so frustrating. It also means I wont be showering until I feel better...which might not be for several days. But I have a wonderful daughter! She went on Grub Hub last night, ordered and paid for Chinese take out to be delivered to me this afternoon....lots of wonton soup and shrimp with broccoli. Enough for another day. Maybe I will feel better enough then to get out to the store for something to eat. 

My moods have been up and down....the holidays are having an affect on me. I went to Ron's son's house for Thanksgiving and actually had a great time. Sat next to his son at dinner and we talked. He cried over his father when I spoke of him....didn't mean to upset him. I was trying to make him see that his father is still with him as I feel he is with me. And I have felt that lately. It may just be because its coming up on the anniversary of his death....has it really only been 2 years? Feels like more. I carry the baggage of his death, Jim's death, my mother's death, my sister's death and all the other deaths I have dealt with. I seem to be obsessed with it sometimes. 

An odd thing happened to me. It was the night I found out Leonard Cohen died. Not sure if that is significant or not but its an interesting coincidence. I was lying in bed falling asleep when suddenly words started popping into my head. More and more of them and I was compelled to record them so I grabbed my phone, opened my memo app and started typing. When I finished, I had 2 stanzas of an unfinished poem. The words stopped coming so I put the phone down and went to sleep. In the morning when I awoke, the words started coming again. I picked up my phone and started typing again.....3 more stanzas....and I realized I was writing about myself. When I read the finished poem, it made me cry. But it was the fact that this never happened to me before. I have been writing poetry off and on since I was in high school but the poems never came to me like that. It was almost like someone's spirit got into my head and said, "Write is your lament.", which made me think maybe Leonard Cohen was inside me, writing the words. Silly, I know but its kinda spooky. My therapist seems to think that it was my mind's way of trying to get me to put my pain into words so I could deal with it. I have my doubts about that.

I share the poem with whoever wishes to read it. Its actually one of the best things I ever wrote. And you must remember I have NO idea where the words came from....

The Road

She travels in her mind
Down a road that leads to someplace
Where she's never found the solace
That's escaped her since her childhood
Though she moves along quite willing.

She hears the haunting echoes
Of the voices in her past
And she cannot understand
Why their words are incoherent
But the memory still burns her.

She sees the scattered ashes
Of the men she loved and lost
But she thinks as she walks past them
There will always be another
Who will take what she will offer.

She reaches for the altar
Where the light is nearly blinding
And again she searches vainly
For His arms to wrap around her
While her mind slowly betrays her.

Her eyes have finally opened
And she sees the lonely graveyard
With the plot she tends so gently
Trying not to feel the future
And her place beneath the flowers. 
The song I am thinking of today is Elton John's "Step Into Christmas"....its the ringtone my daughter insists I use for her at this time of year. And its one of my favorite Christmas songs.