Saturday, April 23, 2016

I Shoulda Been a Cowboy....

.....because I am still ridin' high!

Its a whole other world when you aren't chronically depressed. Oh, I still do have stabs of anxiety but they pass very quickly and are barely noticed. It's remarkable what the brain is capable of. I feel almost normal, whatever that is.

I ran out of my favorite book series to read (I have 2 more on order) so I started reading a copy of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, translated, of course. I can kinda understand why he is considered one of England's greatest poets and probably the greatest of his time. Its actually fun to read when you don't have to stumble over the old English. I remember trying to read it in Miss Wells 10th grade English. I got NOTHING out of it then. Glad I can revisit it and understand it better now.

I have been OD'ing on music lately and the tv hasn't been on as much. Which really is a good thing. And, believe it or not, I actually had the motivation to use one of the treadmills at the gym yesterday! I powerwalked for a a full hour, walking 3 miles and burning 300 calories. And I was dripping sweat! But since I was also there for a shower, it all worked out. Problem is, I don't have a lot of workout clothes and I have to arrange a day to take my laundry to my ex's to wash. When I was with Ron, I would walk and as soon as I got home, strip down, shower and throw my stuff right in the washer so it would be ready for the next workout. But I do have one more set of things I can wear, then take it all over to be washed later next week......assuming my motivation holds up. It really DOES help with depression.....once you get moving, you want to KEEP moving. I was restless when I got back here and I was up and down most of the day, which again, is a good thing.

Got a letter from Social Security. Seems the lawyer did start the appeals process and things are moving along, albeit slowly. But I expected that. Seems most of these hearing are done via video link, which is fine with me. I just wish I could get them to understand that my issues are situational....that I can look and sound just fine until I am in a situation where my anxiety is triggered....then I am a basket case. I sure hope if I can't convey that then the lawyer can.

Brother sent me a little more money so my car insurance and phone bill are taken care of for May. I have to put a little money in the bank for the credit cards. But funds are starting to dwindle and it makes me nervous.

Well, guess I better see about making some dinner. Today's song is, of course, "I Shoulda Been a Cowboy" by Toby Keith. YEEEEE HA!!

Sunday, April 10, 2016


Who says only people on drugs can experience a high? Or crash? 

I have been pretty high for the last week. Its trailed off a bit in the last couple days but I know why....the weather. So the groundhog lied when he said we would have an early spring......figures. I planned to pack away my winter clothes. Instead, I am still using them. I know April is a transition month but its baseball season now and my first game is going to again be in cold weather. I need to dig out my baseball blanket so I am prepared 

Funny how things that you lost interest in for years will suddenly seem interesting again. I used to love mystery novels when I was a teenager. I read SO many and then there were none left. But recently I, quite by accident, came across some news I had no idea about. Seems one of the authors I used to read had an unfinished manuscript that was lost until recently (how often do you hear about that?) and the authors estate commissioned another writer to finish the novel, which she did. And with permission of the estate, she has been writing other novels with the same main characters. I was delighted to find this out and immediately bought one of the newer novels. It was written in the same style as the original author and I thoroughly enjoyed it. As a result, I ordered 2 more and will be starting them as soon as I finish a book of short stories by the original author that I have recently discovered in the basement of this house. Its my book and I bought it when I was 18. With all the years that have passed, I had forgotten these stories so its like reading them for the first time. I feel a little like I have gone back in time and I like the feeling. I missed reading....I was a great reader when I was young. I could read by the age of 4 and never stopped until I got married. Then my interest waned with the coming of children and the responsibilities they bring. Now I welcome them back into my life for as long as my mental issues will allow them.

Another thing that has come back more strongly into my life this past week is music. Not that it was ever really gone. But I wasn't listening to it as much. I was watching TV instead. But last week I decided I had had enough of TV and turned it off. Then I turned on my computer and started listening to YouTube music....first piano, then folk, then country, then stuff from the 20's and 30's and I was really getting into it all. I started a playlist for YouTube so I wouldn't lose track of some of the songs I enjoyed the most. 

One thing I realized is that when you are alone and you don't talk to people on a regular basis, you start to lose your doesn't sound the way it should.  It was getting so bad that I would start to cough when I had a longish conversation with my daughter on the phone. So when the owner's son is at work and I am here alone, I either read out loud or I sing along with the music. That has been helping. I used to have a decent singing voice but I found I was losing it. I am not THAT old yet.

Found out recently that my oldest brother's wife had a stroke and went into a coma. She had demensia before this and now with being paralyzed on one side by the stroke, she contracted pneumonia. My brother is not optimistic about her recovery. He lives in Japan and my SIL is Japanese. But as much as he likes the island, I know he wants to come home. And I sure would like that, too. I know it would help with my issues. Of all the siblings I have left, I guess I am the closest to him which is odd, him being thousands of miles away. But he always has time for other brothers don't. 

Now all I have to do is get through this cold weather and I think I will be fine. 

I have a GREAT song this time that I have been playing a lot lately...."Its a Great Day to Be Alive", by Travis Tritt. If you need a song to get you going and you like country music, I thoroughly recommend it.