Thursday, March 24, 2016

Spring Sprong

A spring, in order to work. has to go up and down. Right now I feel like a spring.....I spent the last week or so springing up.

I didn't realize it was nearly a month since I last posted. But I wouldn't have had the patience to type until now...and talking about your troubles doesn't necessarily make things better.

I had a rough patch for a couple weeks....all I wanted to do was lay around here. I hadn't showered for a week before I finally was forced to get out of the house to clean my ex's place and after that, go to the gym to get cleaned up. I was happy to get a $100 check for the work...every little bit helps. I needed that job...I needed to feel productive (even if it WAS cleaning a house I used to live in and miss very much).  I was fading away.....and scared.

I got some work done on my car. Got the drivers side window fixed, which is more having to open the door to pay tolls or for gas. I also got my oil changed, tires rotated and my a/c recharged. Not sure if there is a leak but will certainly find out if the blower starts blowing out warm air. For now, its cold. I wanted to get the keyless entry fixed but that was going to cost as much as all the other work put together so I figure I can just lock the car with the key for the forseeable future....its only a minor inconvenience.

Got my quarters changed in and put that money away for now.

During the 2 week slump I did some more crocheting....working on those 4 afghans I started and need to finish. I even knitted a kitchen towel for my daughter in green and white....very springy looking. And I washed and put away my winter linens and put the spring/summer ones on my bed. Trying VERY hard to keep my environment as cheery as possible. It helps that the owners son finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday....that was depressing as hell. The owner is still hospitalized and likely to remain so indefinitely.

I did finish cleaning up the room but this weekend I am going to pack away my winter clothes so I can make room for my spring/summer stuff. Every little bit helps.

No trying to grow vegetables THIS was a disaster last summer. Even my lettuce got eaten by groundhogs. Maybe someday if I ever have a place of my own I'll try again. I'll stick with houseplants and flowers. I did order a flowering plant online...hoping I can keep it alive.

My sleep patterns haven't changed, I have tried to go to bed earlier but I still wake up late. Last night I dreamt about a dead baby in a bathtub. I have NO idea what THAT was all about!

My daughter finished her training, passed her certification test and got a job! I am SO happy for her. She IS having anxiety over it and I totally understand....unfamiliar people and situations, just like her mother. But she is getting through I did when I was her age. I hope she gets a career going so she has that to keep her afloat and doesn't end up like me. I want the cycle of dependency to end with me.

A part of me wants to let go of Ron now....a part of me can't/won't. I still love him. Not sure even if I DID ever meet someone else that I could ever stop loving Ron. Some of the most intimate memories are fading....I can hardly remember what it felt like when he held me in his arms. It seems so wrong. But I do remember things he said....funny little things....and I find myself using them. But it still brings me pain. I want to move on but there is nothing to move on to yet. His ashes sit on the shelf next to his photo and I still talk to him sometimes.

I feel the calm before the storm. It scares me. I think its even scarier than the storm itself.