Saturday, December 24, 2016

Another Christmas

It's another year gone and Christmas will be here tomorrow. And another year where Christmas just seems like another day. I WILL be at my brother's for the day along with my daughter so that is good. But thinking of Ron, the anniversary of his death having just passed, and all the wonderful Christmases we had together. No tree or decorations again for me this year. It is SO frustrating and I feel so left out of everything. Not to mention, this year I had no money to buy gifts. The only person that is getting a small gift is my daughter....I can't even give my grandchildren anything. It sucks.

But that is really all the negatives out of the way. A lot has happened in the last month. The man I mentioned in my last post. Well, we decided to give it another try and I am glad we did. Things are going well....we had our first real date last night and it was great. He took me out to dinner and I got a bit high on Long Island Iced Teas....which felt good. I don't get drunk very often and I know my limit. But my new boyfriend is very nice....and he is interesting to listen to. Done so much in his life and is a great storyteller. Afterward, he took me back to his house and we spent the night together. It felt good to be next to a man again. I do like him.....and he says he likes me, which I have no reason not to believe. The obese side is something he has to address and he says he will, so we shall see. But having someone to spend time be romanced's something I have needed after 2 years of emotional isolation. The depression is easing up as a result...but not only because of him.

One of my brothers found out I was swimming in credit card debt left over from Ron's death. He is going to help me get out from under. He already sent me enough to pay off one of my credit cards....YAY! A better Christmas present I couldn't have asked for. That will leave only one card to deal with. And he also sent me a gift card for myself. I am lucky to have a caring brother! And a caring son!....he sent me a couple hundred dollars to tide me over.

The house I am living in will probably be sold in the next couple months. That would normally be a time to panic but I have a place to go. My ex is leaving the country for a year for work and told me I could stay at his place. I am thrilled! I will be living with my daughter and will get to see her more often but I will be in the finished basement which will give me some privacy as well as more room than a bedroom. And I will be back in NJ again...where I want to be! Hopefully, that year's time will get things straightened out for me as far as my finances and finding a permanent place to live. Maybe my brother will be home by then, too.

Everyone has been saying what a horrible year 2016 was...I have to kind of agree. I think 2017 is shaping up to be much better. I still have anxiety issues but that's something that will always be with me. At least the depression seems to be gone for the most part. The coming year I want to get off all my meds and start living my life again....and not be alone anymore.

Merry Christmas! As for my song, just pick your favorite Christmas song....any one will work, as I like mostly all of them anyway. ;)

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

How's Your Love Life? (Adult Content)

Well...things have progressed a bit since my last post...not necessarily for the best, but...

First off, the man I spoke of in my last post decided he would rather get back with the wife who left him nearly a year ago and was verbally abusing him than try making a life with a woman who would only treat him with love and respect...go figure. Not to mention his manipulating daughter who is using her granddaughter as a bargaining chip to get her father back with her mother. Funny how all this suddenly came about AFTER they found out he was dating. Well, fine....I think they all deserve each other. I feel used and humiliated. And then he says if it doesn't work out he will look for me. Yeah....SMH! Well, its partly my own fault....I broke my rule about dating separated men. Never again. 

And then I met another guy. Again, I broke a rule....don't date obese men. Too bad...he is a nice guy.....very intelligent and fun and has lots of stories. Been around the world as an AF pilot. But he let himself go and he has physical issues I am finding it hard to get past. With me, all the plumbing works and I need someone with the same attribute. What amazes ME is that he kept hinting at how BIG he was....and he wasn't talking about his belly. He is not even a really average size. Although he probably hasn't seen himself lately and can't tell....even if he looked in a mirror it wouldn't help as he has what is known as a retracted penis....happens to obese men. This may be all TMI but it makes me wonder WHY men build themselves up only to be outed and embarrassed when the truth comes out, which it invariably has to.....and then put the blame on ME?? He says he is going to do something about his physical problems but why wait until he is DATING? Why didn't he do it ages ago.....get in shape and then go looking with confidence and not have to exaggerate about himself. He is thinking over whether or not he wants to continue seeing me. I really don't care. He basically lied and to me that is uncalled for. So I continue to search. 

I am getting a lot of interest but mainly from men who seem to have little intelligence or live across the country. The only reason a guy from Florida or California would have an interest in me is online sex.....dream on, fellas. And if they have a genuine interest, they must realize I have NO desire to leave this area....especially when I have that in my profile....unless they don't read those. 

I am sick right now....bad sinus infection. I hate this! I always get sick around the holidays and its so frustrating. It also means I wont be showering until I feel better...which might not be for several days. But I have a wonderful daughter! She went on Grub Hub last night, ordered and paid for Chinese take out to be delivered to me this afternoon....lots of wonton soup and shrimp with broccoli. Enough for another day. Maybe I will feel better enough then to get out to the store for something to eat. 

My moods have been up and down....the holidays are having an affect on me. I went to Ron's son's house for Thanksgiving and actually had a great time. Sat next to his son at dinner and we talked. He cried over his father when I spoke of him....didn't mean to upset him. I was trying to make him see that his father is still with him as I feel he is with me. And I have felt that lately. It may just be because its coming up on the anniversary of his death....has it really only been 2 years? Feels like more. I carry the baggage of his death, Jim's death, my mother's death, my sister's death and all the other deaths I have dealt with. I seem to be obsessed with it sometimes. 

An odd thing happened to me. It was the night I found out Leonard Cohen died. Not sure if that is significant or not but its an interesting coincidence. I was lying in bed falling asleep when suddenly words started popping into my head. More and more of them and I was compelled to record them so I grabbed my phone, opened my memo app and started typing. When I finished, I had 2 stanzas of an unfinished poem. The words stopped coming so I put the phone down and went to sleep. In the morning when I awoke, the words started coming again. I picked up my phone and started typing again.....3 more stanzas....and I realized I was writing about myself. When I read the finished poem, it made me cry. But it was the fact that this never happened to me before. I have been writing poetry off and on since I was in high school but the poems never came to me like that. It was almost like someone's spirit got into my head and said, "Write is your lament.", which made me think maybe Leonard Cohen was inside me, writing the words. Silly, I know but its kinda spooky. My therapist seems to think that it was my mind's way of trying to get me to put my pain into words so I could deal with it. I have my doubts about that.

I share the poem with whoever wishes to read it. Its actually one of the best things I ever wrote. And you must remember I have NO idea where the words came from....

The Road

She travels in her mind
Down a road that leads to someplace
Where she's never found the solace
That's escaped her since her childhood
Though she moves along quite willing.

She hears the haunting echoes
Of the voices in her past
And she cannot understand
Why their words are incoherent
But the memory still burns her.

She sees the scattered ashes
Of the men she loved and lost
But she thinks as she walks past them
There will always be another
Who will take what she will offer.

She reaches for the altar
Where the light is nearly blinding
And again she searches vainly
For His arms to wrap around her
While her mind slowly betrays her.

Her eyes have finally opened
And she sees the lonely graveyard
With the plot she tends so gently
Trying not to feel the future
And her place beneath the flowers. 
The song I am thinking of today is Elton John's "Step Into Christmas"....its the ringtone my daughter insists I use for her at this time of year. And its one of my favorite Christmas songs. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

A Match?

As I wrote in my last post, I have my profile back up on I have had a few nibbles, one of which was a total washout. I felt sorry for the guy....30 years ago he was gorgeous and hunky. Now he is overweight, can hardly walk and simply isn't attractive to me.  And he is impotent, which, again, I feel bad for him but I need a guy whose plumbing works. He latched onto me really fast....I felt SO bad for him. He really is a sweet guy but he is very Type A, which is ok but he tends to push himself on others as a defense against his insecurities. One time meeting me and he was in love with me! Anyway, I let that whole thing go. I am not that shallow and neither Jim nor Ron were Mr. Americas. But they were more healthy that this guy.

However, I have been corresponding with someone new. He seems pretty normal, is in great shape and is intelligent. Also seems to have a lot in common with me. I would really like to meet him so I can make a better determination but I am in Boston visiting with my son and his family for a few weeks. So he and I have been emailing. He actually said he was going to let his Match membership expire since he found me....that was nice. Still, I have learned that you really need to MEET the person before you can know anything for sure. He isn't an Adonis but he isn't ugly me. And he has a HOT TUB! Boy, do I miss being in one of them. I had one many years ago when I lived with Jim but I couldn't take it with me when we moved. Anyway, I am hoping things work out with him. There is another guy that I was writing too but he is further away. Still, I won't throw all my eggs in one basket yet....I learned that lesson the last time I was on Match.

I haven't been able to spend much time with my granddaughter as she is on the opposite schedule than me....up all night, sleeping all afternoon and part of the evening. I have been trying to keep busy, though...been baking cookies and keeping the kitchen relatively clean, which is appreciated. I will do more baking in the next several days. I ordered a laptop travel case from Amazon and had it delivered here because I brought my laptop with me (wasn't going to be without that for 3 weeks) but my daughter drove me up here so I didn't need a case. I will need one on the way back since I will probably be taking the train.

I have had 2 anxiety attacks since I got here. Was sitting in a chair in the living room and they just came over me....don't really know why. With the first one I told my son I needed to go upstairs so I didn't have a meltdown in front of the kids and then I ran up 2 flights to my room. The other one, no one was in the room so I just sweated it out until it passed. I brought my Clonidine with me but I rarely take that unless I am having a bad day because of the side effects....this was just 15 minutes or so. Still, I HATE it.

I don't miss therapy but will have to go back to it when I return.

As you can tell, with the exception of the anxiety attacks, I am more relaxed being away from the house I am staying in. I hope this continues. I have been finding a lot of comfort and happiness in my music. I am SO glad I decided to get YouTube Red....being able to hear anything even when I am offline is worth the money. Love being able to take music I love anywhere and enjoy it.

Speaking of music, one of my all time favorite oldies is "Just My Style" by Garry Lewis and the Playboys....its a fun, upbeat song that always gets me moving. I just added it to my playlist. Maybe when I post again I will have more news on the Match front.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

The New Abnormal

I did some review papers at the therapists office the other day.....stuff I filled out the first day I was in therapy. They ask you questions and you answer as to your levels of anxiety in each case. I did the math and I am still moderately depressed. I think that's about the same as the last time I filled in those forms. Problem is the questions....most really don't pertain to my issues. I have situational anxiety.....if  I avoid those situations that cause me panic and anxiety, I am pretty normal. But put me in those situations and I freak out. How do you test for something like that except to torture me with situations that will cause me to panic?

I put my profile up on and although I had some interest, there was little in the way of reciprocation. I am not expecting a hunk but if I look at a guy's photo and nothing happens....well, no sense in pursuing it. I did have one guy that I thought was a possibility....until he tried to scam money out of me. And it was SO obvious it was funny! I guess guys overseas think all we American women are desperate, stupid and rich....HA! He sure picked the wrong girl! I am not sure if its going to work as well this time (I met Ron on Match about 13 years ago). The older you get, the fewer men there are out there looking for a partner. Still, I bit the bullet and paid the fee for 6 months....we'll see what happens

I have been watching "True Blood" on my computer. for the past couple daughter got me started on it. I am on the last season and I am enjoying it.....a lot of it is funny as hell. But something happened a few minutes ago that never happened to me before. I was watching a dream sequence with Jason and Eric and the 2 of them starting to make love and I was SO completely turned on by it! I have NEVER gotten any pleasure from watching 2 guys go at it.....ever.....and I have seen a lot of porn over the years. But these 2 guys....well, both are hot as hell and the acting was SO damn convincing that I was in tears and so excited. I had to pause the video just to calm down! It makes no sense but both those guys should have gotten Emmy awards just for THAT scene.

So I guess that should tell you that I am STILL a bit crazy when it comes to sex. I can't remember when I have felt this way. And at 62 years old, how much chance do I have that I am going to find someone who feels the way I do? Is 60 the new 40? Maybe. I wish I could go exercise just to get rid of the sexual tension I feel. Tomorrow I will DEFINITELY go to the gym and get on the bike....I need it for more reasons than one.

And I rejoined MFP....if you know what that is. I lost 50 pounds on that before Ron died and I gained back 15....time to get that off and THEN some. Now is a good time with the weather cooling off.

The house here is being emptied of all the owners stuff in preparation for sale. Not sure when that will be but I am nervous. I have NO say in where I will end up and I am scared. Trying hard NOT to think about it too much.

The song this time is from "True Blood"......"Why Did You Leave Me Now?" by Liz Rodrigues. It reminded me of Ron....and I thought it was a beautiful song. And I rarely like female singers.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Did Your Grandmother Have Sex? (Adult Content)

When you get to a certain age, as I have, you might have occasion to look back and think about your grandmother (if you knew one) and thing about what they looked like, how they acted. I remember my grandmother (paternal) and all I can really remember is how icy she was.... a very Victorian type of woman. She wasn't loving or particularly caring that I could see. We rarely saw her as she lived on the other side of the city and my father wasn't very keen on driving there...mainly because, like me, he didn't want to drive a way he wasn't familiar with so we had to take the LONG way to get there, as it was the only route he knew. However, I digress.

I have a feeling, due to generational differences, that my grandparents probably didn't have sex when they were senior citizens. Now granted, my grandfather died in his 60's so they wouldn't have had much chance. But I honestly believe they only did it to have kids, which was pretty much how it was in their time, not to mention my grandmother's personality. Now that I have reached the age of 62, I think to myself, "How do you live without it?" Its a problem I am facing now.

I didn't have a problem before....the meds were knocking my libido in the toilet. But since I took myself off them, things have changed drastically. I MISS making love.....terribly! Not just sex, though. I can masturbate with the best of them and get off. But that only lasts short time. And fantasizing about someone making love to you is frustrating at best. I look at Ron's picture and I think back to when we had sex. He was mostly into the act, not so much getting there. Not that I blame him....that's how most men are. And realizing that our last night of sex was what led to his heart attack makes me feel sad and a bit guilty. But I have to believe that there are men out there that enjoy the touch and feel of a woman's body as much as copulation, if for no other reason than they know that THAT is what pleases their partner. A truly caring man will take the time to explore a woman...especially now at my age where there is no possibility of accidental pregnancies or having to worry about time constraints.

I had thought about going back on the Fluvox just to help with the feelings but I can't....I feel MORE alive this way than I did when my sex drive was practically non existent... .and I don't want to lose that feeling! I am torn between suffering with the side effects and wanting more than anything to start looking for a partner....something SWORE I would never do after Ron died. Funny how we pass through feelings. Its like childbirth....we all SWEAR we will never have another child and go through all that pain again, but the memory fades and we have another baby anyway. I still have the memory of Ron's dead body in that bathroom and the horror and fear and sadness I experienced. But here I am.....yearning for another man to love and be loved by. Not exclusively for the physical but right now, that is what I am obsessed with. I read sexy romance novels....something  haven't done since I was in my 20's.....and wish the heroine was me. But its not giving me what I really need. And its so can't talk to your KIDS about this sort of thing and I don't have anyone else. I did tell my psych Dr....he thought it was GREAT! But not so great if you don't have an appropriate outlet and even he admitted that going out to find someone for sex wasn't such a great idea. However, as I said, its not just sex I need.....its love. Everyone needs it. The physical and the emotional. I have never been one who could be alone for too long. I am not yet TOO old looking, although I see the changes in my body and I hate them. Still, I am attractive enough that a man would find me pleasing. But not if I wait TOO much longer. therapist quit. They gave me another one....a man. I saw him once and couldn't understand most of what he said....accent was TOO heavy. I never went back. So right now I don't have a therapist but I really don't care....I am happier without one. If I can find another woman who I can understand and who I can talk to, I will try again. But therapy, for me, is just having someone to talk to. That's really what friends are for....but I don't have any of those.

The song for this time is "When I'm Sixty-Four" by the Beatles. Hell, I'd take THAT life in a heartbeat if it was offered.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Adult Make Believe

(I started a post, got nearly finished and accidentally deleted it. I was SO frustrated, I just turned off the computer. I am going to try again today.)

Have you ever made up stories in your head....even tried acting them out when you are alone? I have been doing this off and on since I was a kid. Now as a kid, its considered perfectly normal to play make believe. But an adult? Well, for me its a coping mechanism. When things aren't going quite the way I would wish them, I turn to my imagination. I make myself a hero in my stories....strong, brave, intelligent, beautiful...all the things I wish I was. In some instances, I am a time traveler....or a starship captain....or even a courtesan. Now you can go ahead and laugh but my mind does what it must to cope with the loneliness.....the isolation. It works. And it doesn't hurt anyone.

When I was in high school, I channeled this make believe into a play I wrote....very impromptu. I got an A+ on it with a notation by teacher that read "See me" next to the grade. So I went up after class and he told me he was SO impressed with the play that he thought I should submit it to the school literary mag. I was flattered but being the brunt of ceaseless bullying, I didn't want to give anyone any ammunition. So I kept the play to myself. I wish I still had it....I spend a whole night writing it because I made it up as I went along the night before it was due....and I had to type it  so no editing. It was quite an achievement. I think I got an hour of sleep after I finished it before I had to get up for school.

I wanted to be an actress and I think I would have been good at it. But I didn't have the courage to do it. So as a way of releasing that part of me, I have acted out in my imagination. I read books aloud and pretend to be one of the characters. I can mimic many accents....don't know where that came from but it got me a major part in a school musical. I can do several English accents as well as Irish, Scots, French, Spanish, Russian, Indian, German....don't know where that "talent" came from but I got it. I can be a man or a woman.....especially now that my voice, due to menopause, is somewhat in a lower register. I used to be a first Soprano....not anymore.

Oddly, I decided to Google "adult make believe" and found literally nothing. Now I find it hard to believe I am the only one in the world that does this.....or maybe I am the only one who ADMITS to doing it....ha,ha! Or maybe that's the definition of an actor....someone who plays make believe. But not quite. There is a difference between doing something as a job and doing it as a means of keeping one's sanity. I only do this when I have lost my partner or just don't have one, hence my doing it now. Its a substitute for love, too. Not a perfect one but when all you have is yourself, you make do.

I am still doing a lot of reading. I have had the first 4 "Outlander" books since they were printed and I read the first 2. I started "Voyager" back in '94 but only finished a couple chapters (probably because this was about the time my marriage started to go south) so I picked it up again this weekend and am already more than halfway through it. My daughter can't understand how anyone can read them....too much descriptive text. But I find it very readable. I have the 4th book as well and will probably read that. I actually enjoy the books more than the tv series.

I have to see a new medical Dr. on Tuesday and I am very anxious about it. I hope it goes well.

My song today is "Make Believe it's Your First Time" by the Carpenters. I have acted out THAT, too.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

I Shoulda Been a Cowboy....

.....because I am still ridin' high!

Its a whole other world when you aren't chronically depressed. Oh, I still do have stabs of anxiety but they pass very quickly and are barely noticed. It's remarkable what the brain is capable of. I feel almost normal, whatever that is.

I ran out of my favorite book series to read (I have 2 more on order) so I started reading a copy of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, translated, of course. I can kinda understand why he is considered one of England's greatest poets and probably the greatest of his time. Its actually fun to read when you don't have to stumble over the old English. I remember trying to read it in Miss Wells 10th grade English. I got NOTHING out of it then. Glad I can revisit it and understand it better now.

I have been OD'ing on music lately and the tv hasn't been on as much. Which really is a good thing. And, believe it or not, I actually had the motivation to use one of the treadmills at the gym yesterday! I powerwalked for a a full hour, walking 3 miles and burning 300 calories. And I was dripping sweat! But since I was also there for a shower, it all worked out. Problem is, I don't have a lot of workout clothes and I have to arrange a day to take my laundry to my ex's to wash. When I was with Ron, I would walk and as soon as I got home, strip down, shower and throw my stuff right in the washer so it would be ready for the next workout. But I do have one more set of things I can wear, then take it all over to be washed later next week......assuming my motivation holds up. It really DOES help with depression.....once you get moving, you want to KEEP moving. I was restless when I got back here and I was up and down most of the day, which again, is a good thing.

Got a letter from Social Security. Seems the lawyer did start the appeals process and things are moving along, albeit slowly. But I expected that. Seems most of these hearing are done via video link, which is fine with me. I just wish I could get them to understand that my issues are situational....that I can look and sound just fine until I am in a situation where my anxiety is triggered....then I am a basket case. I sure hope if I can't convey that then the lawyer can.

Brother sent me a little more money so my car insurance and phone bill are taken care of for May. I have to put a little money in the bank for the credit cards. But funds are starting to dwindle and it makes me nervous.

Well, guess I better see about making some dinner. Today's song is, of course, "I Shoulda Been a Cowboy" by Toby Keith. YEEEEE HA!!

Sunday, April 10, 2016


Who says only people on drugs can experience a high? Or crash? 

I have been pretty high for the last week. Its trailed off a bit in the last couple days but I know why....the weather. So the groundhog lied when he said we would have an early spring......figures. I planned to pack away my winter clothes. Instead, I am still using them. I know April is a transition month but its baseball season now and my first game is going to again be in cold weather. I need to dig out my baseball blanket so I am prepared 

Funny how things that you lost interest in for years will suddenly seem interesting again. I used to love mystery novels when I was a teenager. I read SO many and then there were none left. But recently I, quite by accident, came across some news I had no idea about. Seems one of the authors I used to read had an unfinished manuscript that was lost until recently (how often do you hear about that?) and the authors estate commissioned another writer to finish the novel, which she did. And with permission of the estate, she has been writing other novels with the same main characters. I was delighted to find this out and immediately bought one of the newer novels. It was written in the same style as the original author and I thoroughly enjoyed it. As a result, I ordered 2 more and will be starting them as soon as I finish a book of short stories by the original author that I have recently discovered in the basement of this house. Its my book and I bought it when I was 18. With all the years that have passed, I had forgotten these stories so its like reading them for the first time. I feel a little like I have gone back in time and I like the feeling. I missed reading....I was a great reader when I was young. I could read by the age of 4 and never stopped until I got married. Then my interest waned with the coming of children and the responsibilities they bring. Now I welcome them back into my life for as long as my mental issues will allow them.

Another thing that has come back more strongly into my life this past week is music. Not that it was ever really gone. But I wasn't listening to it as much. I was watching TV instead. But last week I decided I had had enough of TV and turned it off. Then I turned on my computer and started listening to YouTube music....first piano, then folk, then country, then stuff from the 20's and 30's and I was really getting into it all. I started a playlist for YouTube so I wouldn't lose track of some of the songs I enjoyed the most. 

One thing I realized is that when you are alone and you don't talk to people on a regular basis, you start to lose your doesn't sound the way it should.  It was getting so bad that I would start to cough when I had a longish conversation with my daughter on the phone. So when the owner's son is at work and I am here alone, I either read out loud or I sing along with the music. That has been helping. I used to have a decent singing voice but I found I was losing it. I am not THAT old yet.

Found out recently that my oldest brother's wife had a stroke and went into a coma. She had demensia before this and now with being paralyzed on one side by the stroke, she contracted pneumonia. My brother is not optimistic about her recovery. He lives in Japan and my SIL is Japanese. But as much as he likes the island, I know he wants to come home. And I sure would like that, too. I know it would help with my issues. Of all the siblings I have left, I guess I am the closest to him which is odd, him being thousands of miles away. But he always has time for other brothers don't. 

Now all I have to do is get through this cold weather and I think I will be fine. 

I have a GREAT song this time that I have been playing a lot lately...."Its a Great Day to Be Alive", by Travis Tritt. If you need a song to get you going and you like country music, I thoroughly recommend it. 

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Spring Sprong

A spring, in order to work. has to go up and down. Right now I feel like a spring.....I spent the last week or so springing up.

I didn't realize it was nearly a month since I last posted. But I wouldn't have had the patience to type until now...and talking about your troubles doesn't necessarily make things better.

I had a rough patch for a couple weeks....all I wanted to do was lay around here. I hadn't showered for a week before I finally was forced to get out of the house to clean my ex's place and after that, go to the gym to get cleaned up. I was happy to get a $100 check for the work...every little bit helps. I needed that job...I needed to feel productive (even if it WAS cleaning a house I used to live in and miss very much).  I was fading away.....and scared.

I got some work done on my car. Got the drivers side window fixed, which is more having to open the door to pay tolls or for gas. I also got my oil changed, tires rotated and my a/c recharged. Not sure if there is a leak but will certainly find out if the blower starts blowing out warm air. For now, its cold. I wanted to get the keyless entry fixed but that was going to cost as much as all the other work put together so I figure I can just lock the car with the key for the forseeable future....its only a minor inconvenience.

Got my quarters changed in and put that money away for now.

During the 2 week slump I did some more crocheting....working on those 4 afghans I started and need to finish. I even knitted a kitchen towel for my daughter in green and white....very springy looking. And I washed and put away my winter linens and put the spring/summer ones on my bed. Trying VERY hard to keep my environment as cheery as possible. It helps that the owners son finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday....that was depressing as hell. The owner is still hospitalized and likely to remain so indefinitely.

I did finish cleaning up the room but this weekend I am going to pack away my winter clothes so I can make room for my spring/summer stuff. Every little bit helps.

No trying to grow vegetables THIS was a disaster last summer. Even my lettuce got eaten by groundhogs. Maybe someday if I ever have a place of my own I'll try again. I'll stick with houseplants and flowers. I did order a flowering plant online...hoping I can keep it alive.

My sleep patterns haven't changed, I have tried to go to bed earlier but I still wake up late. Last night I dreamt about a dead baby in a bathtub. I have NO idea what THAT was all about!

My daughter finished her training, passed her certification test and got a job! I am SO happy for her. She IS having anxiety over it and I totally understand....unfamiliar people and situations, just like her mother. But she is getting through I did when I was her age. I hope she gets a career going so she has that to keep her afloat and doesn't end up like me. I want the cycle of dependency to end with me.

A part of me wants to let go of Ron now....a part of me can't/won't. I still love him. Not sure even if I DID ever meet someone else that I could ever stop loving Ron. Some of the most intimate memories are fading....I can hardly remember what it felt like when he held me in his arms. It seems so wrong. But I do remember things he said....funny little things....and I find myself using them. But it still brings me pain. I want to move on but there is nothing to move on to yet. His ashes sit on the shelf next to his photo and I still talk to him sometimes.

I feel the calm before the storm. It scares me. I think its even scarier than the storm itself.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Am I Not Worthy?

One of the worst obsessions I have right now (and a major anxiety creator) is my limited financial resources. I have been trying to budget my meager funds.....they may have to last me for a year or more! I do consider myself fortunate to have my oldest brother helping our a bit with a little money every month....he has been a godsend and has been keeping me from crashing and burning. But today I got a shock and a surprise.

The owner's son came up to me this morning and handed me a wad of money. He said it was from his sister.....part of my severance pay. I thought they had given me what they termed "severance pay" when it was determined that the owner wouldn't be returning home. I took the money to my room and counted it....$700! I immediately sent a text to the sister asking to explain. She said they had intended to give me that money all along but the money was tied up in legal stuff and they were just now able to get it. I immediately said I couldn't accept it but she insisted. I started to cry and thanked her. She said now I could out and shop.....ha,ha! Not really....that money will keep me from panicking for a few months, that's for sure! I am more grateful than I can say. Despite everything, they have been very kind to me.

And yet, a part of me wonders if I deserve it? Oddly enough, after I got the money, I immediately thought of Ron.....and was he looking out for me? I keep holding onto that. That he IS out there. I have been a great believer in angels for years.....maybe more so than God. All I really know is that that money has me feeling better right now than all the medication in the world could do for me.

I am not sure if I ever mentioned that I save quarters.....just quarters. It started when I was with Ron. I bought one of those digital banks and started putting all my spare change in it. Every day when Ron would come home from work he would deposit one quarter in it. When the jar was full, we would take it to the bank and cash it in. Then I started only putting quarters in it (the rest of my change goes in another jar for my granddaughter) along with him. And I continue to do it. I have close to $200 in quarters in it and will take it to my brother soon to cash bank doesn't have a cash counting machine and I don't feel like wrapping them up. I also have an Ad Sense account with Google. It only gets me about $100 a year but its free money and I can't complain about that.

I got the paperwork in the mail to reapply for my welfare benefits. Filled it out and have already put it in the mailbox. I asked my DIL if she would be my primary contact in case I had a problem communicating with their office and she was happy to agree. So that will help in case of an emergency.

And on another positive note, I straightened up and organized half this bedroom. The other half will be done, too.....I promised myself.

Today I count the good things I have and set aside the bad. Every day I can do this is a victory for my soul. And I must accept the good and know I AM worthy. My song is Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin. It should be my mantra.....I hope it will be one day!

Monday, February 22, 2016

Then and Now

I never really knew what life could be like until I got divorced. The divorce and the aftermath was a nightmare.  But once I let go of the crap, a whole new world opened up for me. Some of which I am, upon reflection, not real proud of. But it was MY life, to do as I wanted for the first time.....and if anyone got hurt, it was me. I did things I never dreamed I would. I went to swing clubs....I swam in the nude in the Caribbean and vacationed at a nude resort....I saw Auchwitz.

But I was fortunate.  I met a man who didn't care about my issues. I guess mine weren't as bad as his previous girlfriend.....she was a kleptomaniac. Now I am not talking about Ron.....he was a hermit and we rarely went anywhere. But before him was my fiancée. He was very intelligent and well travelled. He wanted to share all that with me and I was thrilled to be able to do it. But he died 2 years after I met him and it was the second time I had to pick up the pieces of my life and start again. I did it....but I was younger and my mother was still alive and I had a place to go to regroup. I took classes, I spent more time with my kids and after about a year I started dating again.  And I met Ron. And although he was nothing like my fiancée, he was sweet and a total gentleman.....he treated me like a queen. And more importantly, he loved me. And the better I got to know him, the more I realized he was a man who found it very hard to love anyone. After 3 failed marriages and a broken engagement, I suppose his family knew it too.

But then he was gone....and there was no safety net. No parent to move in with. money coming in. And my spirit was broken. ....the anxiety I had suffered for decades had ballooned as I aged and I couldn't pick up the pieces as I had in the past. Those pieces are scattered all over and I can't put them back together yet. I want to, but I can't do it alone this time. But I don't want a man.....not now. And no man would want me like this.....that I know. I don't like myself like this so I need to wait until I do. I can't live in the past, but that doesn't mean I will ever forget it. In some ways, it's all I have left.

My song today is Bookends by Simon and Garfunkle. Sad and sweet. me.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Post Valentines Day

I can't believe its been weeks since I posted. I had intended to write more often but, let's face it, my life isn't exactly brimming with exciting events. So what's been happening?

The owner is still in the hospital but supposed to be transferred to some new facility for ventilator patients. She had a tracheotomy done so she doesn't have a tube coming out of her mouth anymore. But she can't eat now and must be fed through a tube. Don't know how long this will last.

I now have more different meds than I have ever had in my life. I am NOT a meds person....don't like having to take them. So now I have Fluvox, Clonidine, Inderal, and Prozac. I am allowed to play around with the dosages to see what works. Since the full dose of thee Clonidine had uncomfortable side effects for me, I was told to take half a pill. So I took one and a half of the Inderal and 1/2 of the Clonidine. I am a little thirsty but no where near as much as I was with the whole pill and it isn't making me sleepy. But it isn't doing anything for my Tourettes which the whole pill did. I am getting frustrated and since the Dr. is going to be away in March, I don't get to see him again till April. Guess I will survive till then.

The winter is tough for me. I have been more uncomfortable than usual going out to run errands. I went food shopping and from the moment I walked in the market I wanted to walk out. I couldn't WAIT to leave. I was an anxious mess the whole time. Forgot some things so had to go to another market to get those. I never mind shopping when I am with someone but alone I dread it. I used to go food shopping with Ron every Saturday morning and even though the people made me nervous, having him near kept me more reassured. I miss him every day, even after a year. I talk about him a lot with family but I think they don't really care now. They figure its been over a year now....ancient history. But he will always be a part of my life. But I digress. I like the winter because I have fewer hot flashes but I feel trapped here and all I do is watch tv in this bed and play on the computer. I can't go shopping anymore.....what money I have left I have to use for bills since I am not getting paid anymore. I did do some cleaning jobs and that helped a little but I can't rely on that money really, as it is not regular. But my brother is still helping with a little money now and then. I have to do a little thinking about my finances and maybe consolidate some of my credit cards.

Valentines Day was not the greatest although I did spend a little time with my daughter. But she was so tired that she fell asleep so I drove her home and she took a nap and I went back to my brother's house where I stayed for the weekend, and packed up my stuff to leave. A nice change but too short a time.

Today was my granddaughter's third birthday. I ordered her a gift from Amazon but she probably wont get it till next week. My fault....I kept procrastinating. But she is still a baby and won't care. I had a couple gifts I bought last year but the more I thought about it the more I realized she needs to be a little older. Maybe next birthday or Christmas.

I am still crocheting a bit. I was making a scarf but I can't find it. I was working on it at a Super Bowl party and I am SURE I took it with me when I left but its disappeared. That made me so mad...looked everywhere for it. I also misplaced my ring I got from my mother....the one my father gave her on their 30th wedding anniversary. I took it off at my brothers house when I was putting on some hand cream and when I went to put it back on it was nowhere  to be found. My mind is going....I just know it. I can't remember ANYTHING anymore.  :(

On a more upbeat note, I decided that I want to make a coffee table out of those wooden crates you can find in the craft stores. I got one at JoAnn Fabrics with a 40% off coupon. I am going to buy one at a time with a coupon so I can get them as cheap as possible. All I need are 4 crates, a piece of plywood cut to size, some wood screws and a set of 4 casters for the bottom so I can move it around. Its pretty easy to make but I might ask for a little help when the time comes. Don't know when I will be getting out of here, but I will get the crates and the screws and the casters ahead of time. When I am ready to build it, I will get the plywood and stain (or paint if I feel that's better).

Speaking of getting out of here, I got a call from SS and wanted me to call them back. I told my therapist and she told me to call him....right there in the office. I told her that she knew I couldn't do that but she told me to call. So I did. I talked to the guy for about a minute when I began to feel a panic attack coming on....I started to hyperventilate and cry and I said I couldn't do it. So my therapist took the phone and talked to the guy. She told him who she was and that I was having a panic attack. They talked for a couple minutes while I sat there trying to calm myself down. When she hung up with him, she told me that was a good conversation. She wanted him to know what was going on wit me and she thinks he understood my problem. Don't know if it will make a difference but at least someone SAW me have a panic attack.....that I am NOT faking it. I felt vindicated. And that felt good

Weekend before last I also spent at my brothers house and my SIL asked if I wanted to go with her to look at dresses?....she has a wedding in June to attend. So I said sure and we went to Dress Barn. I had no reason to buy anything, I just wanted to look. Well, we walked in and right by the door she sees this black lace dress and thinks its perfect. She gets her size and I see another dress behind the one she is looking at. It was white with a large black flower print. I thought it was really cute. She liked it too but they didn't have her size. They did have MY size, however, and she told me I should try it on. So I said ok...what the heck?? I wasn't going to be buying a dress but I was curious as to what it would look like on me. So after SIL picked out a couple more dresses and tops, we both got dressing rooms and tried on our stuff. I have never liked trying on dresses because I always look awful in them, Well, I looked GREAT! I was SO shocked that I looked good in this dress. The style was perfect for my figure. But the real test was sitting down. So I sat on the bench and it felt fine. I hear my SIL telling me to show her so  I opened the door and she and the store manager were standing there and they both said how good the dress looked on me. I said I agreed. My SIL then said that if I wanted it, she would get it for me for an early birthday present. I was thrilled! So I got the dress and its hanging up on a hook on the wall, I have NO idea when I will have an occasion to wear it but if I have one, I am prepared. Just can't gain any weight. Would be helpful if I could lose 10 pounds.

Past time for bed. Tomorrow I have to go to the gym and get a shower and I have my therapy appointment. But it should be better weather. Its been miserable the last several days. I need some sunshine. So there's my song.....Good Day, Sunshine by the Beatles. Hope spring comes soon!

Thursday, January 21, 2016

That's Snow Business

A major storm is about to blanket our area with over a foot of snow....closer to 2 feet. So I did what most people do....I went to the grocery store. I never used to do that but I have never been in the position where I had to totally rely on myself. I didn't need much can one old lady eat?

But I did a stupid thing. I forgot where I put my food stamp card so when I got to the checkout I couldn't find it. And I nearly panicked. But I remembered I did have enough cash to cover the $47 total. But that was my spending cash....and now its gone.

I did find the card when I got in the car.....I bought a new wallet and I put the card in this nearly hidden pocket and forgot about it. I immediately moved it to where I see it when I open the wallet. But I least I didn't lose it.

Anyway, I am now prepared for the next few days of hunkering down and braving the blizzard. I even remembered to pull my windshield wipers up away from the glass so they don't stick....last time I forgot, I broke the wipers when I turned them on.

My oldest brother sent a little money to me for bills again....that helps ease my mind a bit. I am ok for another month.

And I was able to do laundry at my ex's house yesterday....he told me I was welcome to use his washer whenever I wanted. That's helpful, too.

I decided to try the Klonopin the Dr. prescribed. And it worked GREAT! My anxiety was heart rate was slower. And, for the first time in my life, my Tourettes was much better controlled.....I hardly had any tics! It did make me sleepy but I can handle that. What I COULDN'T handle was the excessive thirst and my tongue feeling like some alien creature was in my mouth as well as the horrible taste. I drank and drank and drank but the thirst continued.....for EIGHT hours! I was miserable. So that's that....I will have to speak to the office and see if there is a similar medicine that wont have the same side effects. Let's hope so because it really did help otherwise.

The song for today is One by Three Dog Night. I hope I can find some way to pass these lonely days in other ways than worrying about what's next.

Monday, January 18, 2016

A Letter to Everyone

Dear ___________ (insert your name here)

I was going to go out today to pick up my new meds (Dr. is putting me on Clonopin to see if that helps with panic attacks) but as it is with a lot of days, I simply don't feel like going out. Since I have to go out tomorrow....have a therapy can wait. In the meantime, I feel like writing a little on my laptop, which I haven't used much for the past several weeks because its usually a lot easier to use my tablet. But I do like my laptop....I should for $1,200 dollars. And I need to use it more for that reason.

I consider myself a pretty savvy computer user for a senior, but yesterday I felt SO dumb.

I have a pretty decent WiFi printer that Ron bought me several years ago and used to be able to print with it from all my devices.....laptop, tablet and phone. But I always believed that you had to hook the printer up with an ethernet cable to your router to access the network. I was able to do that at the condo but here the router is in the owner's son's room....not accessible to me. So if I wanted to print anything, I would hook the printer cable up to my laptop. A pain, but doable.

While I was visiting my son, someone purchased a wireless printer. All they did was plug it in and set it up and anyone could print wirelessly I thought that was pretty cool.....and why couldn't I do that with MY printer? So yesterday I got to thinking and I went onto Google and looked for info on my printer and, wouldn't you know, there was a video showing exactly how to set it up for wireless printing. You get the printer to find the network, punch in the router passcode and your done.

Now I can print wirelessly from my laptop as well as my phone and tablet. Ain't technology great? My brain? .....not so much. You learn something new......or old, in this case..... all the time.

I have to recommend a certain app.....not because I get anything for doing so but because the darn thing just WORKS! Its the Printer Share app. You do have to pay for the key....$12....but once you have it, you can print from anything. I had NO luck using the software that came from my printer when was at the condo so when I found the Printer Share app and read the reviews, I decided to try it. Worked right off so I bit the bullet and boughtt the key. You can use the key on all your devices and its a one time cost. Totally worth it if you do a lot of printing and have trouble getting your wireless devices to work with your printer.

Decided to make mashed potatoes yesterday since there was about 5 pounds of potatoes just sitting in the kitchen with the potential to rot. Not the best thing to eat when you are a diabetic but I am eating other good stuff with them like good vegetables and meat. There are quite a bit of leftover potatoes so I will have them for several meals. I don't do a lot of cooking here due to the lack of things to cook with....not to mention having to buy water to cook with. So I buy a lot of food that just needs heating in the microwave. Can't WAIT to have my own kitchen again.

One thing I DO like about the cold weather is that when I go to the garage to grab an iced tea from the case, its already colder than the fridge can make it. I have to have my drinks COLD....I gag on anything room temperature. Not sure where THAT came from but....

I now have 2 free magazine for Food Network and one for Martha Stewart Living. I got them both from online offers. Sometimes junk mail can be worth it. I prefer print media to online when it comes to books and magazines. Will be sorry to see them disappear....I know its going to happen eventually.

So, the song for today is Changes by David Bowie. He will be missed.

I think that is all for the moment. Keep smiling....I am trying too.



Saturday, January 9, 2016

The Veil of Uncertainty

Things have been happening here since I was gone. First, the owner is back in rehab and will NOT be coming back. The family is making preparations for her to enter a nursing home. Yesterday, some family members were going through paperwork looking for legal documents for owners lawyer. They need to get executive power of attorney so they can get things started. The son said he would keep me posted.

So the good news is, no more having to worry about watching the owner. That means I am free to do what I want, pretty much. The bad news is no more money....I was given a final pay and that's it. I do have some money saved but I have no idea how long things will take to progress. I will have to move out, which is the thing that has me the most concerned. I have no real control over where I will go since I wont be footing the bill for it. Apartments are not cheap....even BAD ones. My major concern is my safety....I will be living alone and don't want to end up a target. And if I end up near my son, I will no longer have a vehicle. I will be isolated....alone....with no way to get around. I may as well live out of my car. 

Yes, I am anxious....maybe sound defeatist. Its not intentional but I am scared and I just want to not be scared anymore. I am trying to remember what my daughter told least I didn't have to look after the owner anymore. Which is a HUGE relief. Still its been a year since I came here and these 4 walls are closing in on me. 

There is something that concerns me more than anything. I love my kids and I know they love me. But do they respect me? How can you possibly respect someone who is such a loser? I would give ANYTHING to not be this way. But that's not going to happen. But I would feel SO much better if I knew my kids respected me somewhat. I would feel like more of a parent than I do right now, instead of a leech. 

We all have to play the hand we are dealt. And I am doing my best to do that. I started working on an afghan that I started for my son and his wife 18 montha ago. I hope to finish it in the next week or so. I have the time, if nothing else. And I really DO want to give it to them....I know they will love it.

Today's song is Help! by the Beatles. The lyrics really hit home right now. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Railroad Blues

I am on a train passing through Connecticut on my way back to PA. I get off in Phily where my daughter (who just called me) will be picking me up. I am trying to be calm but I have to make my way to the restroom soon and I have never been in a train restroom. So why am I anxious? Just another unfamiliar thing I have to navigate and all that stuff gives me anxiety.

This is only my second time on a train in my life. The first time was in 1969 when I was was a class trip to Washington. It was fun then...lots of wood in the cars and we had dinner in the dining car. I even remember what I had....roast beef. Now all I care about is that when the time comes I can get off this thing with the 2 bags and purse before they start up the train again.

If you have ever been on a train, you have probably noticed that the view out the windows of a train are pretty depressing. Run down old buildings, construction sites, electrical wiring, rusting things, grafitti. The only interesting stuff so far are the can see some wildlife (birds). Its not like flying....that is much more least to me it is. Inside the car here, some people are sleeping and some are on their computers (like me). I guess years ago, before cell phones and laptops, people just read. Don't see anyone doing that.

Ok....this will be short. I really need to hit the restroom now. Wish me luck.

Today's song is The City of New Orleans by Arlo Guthrie. The connection to my journey is obvious.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Why ME??

I am still in Boston at my son's house. And I am still sick.

SICK you ask? Yeah....have been sick since the day after Christmas. The one thing I had a feeling would happen. Nine people in close quarters with sick kids and its bound to catch up with you. Now I haven't been sick in 2 years and I actually fear getting sick due to the fact that as I am no longer in my 20's (or even 30's), my immune system is shot. So first I got a sore throat....then I got the cold symptoms....then finally I got the sinus infection, which I am still fighting. Its not as bad as it was but its still there....still nagging me. Will probably be another week before I am mostly over it. I am already sworn that I will NOT come back here if anyone is sick. as no one uses any preventative measures (like cleaning) to keep the viruses in check. 

My son has misplaced my Christmas present. I have no idea if I will ever see it. All I can do is roll my eyes. I love my son but....

We did have one nice day. Even though I was sick, he took me out to breakfast, then to see Star Wars and finally, lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Was really nice. He hired one of those car services.....not UBER...the other get us from place to place. Very convenient, if not expensive. But he can afford it. He also took me to the local mall so I could see about getting a new phone, which I did. Leased a Samsung S6. Never thought of leasing as an option for me but its actually better than owning at this point. I turn in the phone anytime and get the newer version. Cost less monthly than buying the phone and I wont have an old phone sitting in a drawer when I upgrade. I am the new phone!

Got some news yesterday, The owner of the home I live in was back in the hospital and I am hearing that although she will be out today, the family is going to start researching nursing home options. Will probably take several months but it looks like I will be moving sooner than later. My son has already told me he will rent an apartment for me. My only thought is that it will be in BOSTON.....and I do NOT want to live up here. With my anxiety, I would never go out, never go anywhere. But I am not going to bring up the issue right now. I need to try and keep saving money and my sanity. 

I leave here very early Wednesday morning. Son has reserved a seat on a train that stops in Philly where my daughter will pick me up. My vacation will be over. Didn't feel like a vacation being sick and all. I am actually looking forward to sleeping in my own bed instead of a futon in a living room.

Today's song is Supercalifragalisticexpialidocious from Mary Poppins. My granddaughter insisted I play that video over quite a few times today. I probably won't see her for a few months....she will be 3 then.