La, la, la, la, la, la....Can't HEAR you....

That's about where my mind is today. I want to shut out everything....thoughts, sounds. Have you ever wanted to avoid going to bed because you can't shut out the thoughts or just stop thinking? That's me nearly every night. It has been getting better, though. I used to relive Ron's death over and over again. Although I do still do that, its not all the time now. Time heals wounds....but it can create others. Each fades eventually.

The owner of the house is home. And I am counting the days until we see how long before she ends up back in the hospital and hopefully in a nursing home permanently. She can hardly move now and there is little I can do for her. She sits in an electric recliner that reeks of urine and either sleeps or watches tv. She asked if I would help her walk across the room and back and said of course. Then she tells me I may as well sit down because its going to take her awhile to get up. And she continues to watch the tv. So I went back in the bedroom because I simply can't wait her out...could take an hour or it may never happen. The latter is more likely. I made her eggs at someone's request this morning and she didn't want them. But I made some for myself so it wasn't a total loss. Today I have to make mashed potatoes for her, which is fine....I like them too. The newly hired health care aide was supposed to be here today but her tires got slashed according to a text I got. Oh well....I had no idea she was coming so its not a loss for me.

Ok...onto less depressing things.

Found out my primary email account was hacked so I lost it. Inconvenient, to say the least. But I was smart enough to keep all the old emails that were important on my phone so I sent a note out to all my contacts to change my address in their list.

I wish the weather would decide what it wants to do, I was sweating like crazy last night....found it hard to fall asleep. I was tempted to turn the a/c on. Now its cooling off a bit. They are talking about temps in the 70's for the first week in November. Who says there is no global warming??

Had my therapy appointment yesterday. My therapist liked my tablet so much she went out and bought herself one. She asked me to help her with a few things, which I was happy to do. So that was our session pretty much...helping her change a password and download a couple apps. But that works for me....was very relaxing and anything that relaxes me is fine in my book. Next week, I see the psychiatrist again for a meds check. Not much to report there.

Another confession. Although there are few fast food places I would eat at, I admit I like Chic-Fil-A and Taco Bell. The latter is not really good for me but the former I can actually get something relatively healthy if I feel like it. I used to substitute the fries for a salad but I haven't been doing that lately. I know...not good. My self control has flown out the window. But the last 2 nights I was up every couple hours to use the bathroom. That is a warning signal that my blood sugar is too high. So today I am going to try and keep my carb intake a bit lower.

(Had to stop to make the lady one of my famous grilled cheese sandwiches. Its one of the few foods she really enjoys and she is practically finished it. Which makes me feel better....makes me anxious when she doesn't eat. Not like I can MAKE her eat but I still feel responsible.)

I just turned the a/c on...couldn't handle having the heat on in the rest of the house and trying to keep cool with a fan. I have to keep the door open so I can hear her if she calls. I was thinking of getting her a bell or something but that might end up the biggest mistake I could ever make...ha, ha!

If nothing else the last 40 or so years have taught me is that there are very few, if any, people who don't have some sort of mental issue. I think we, as humans, are predisposed to be that way. Life isn't perfect so it stands to reason that the negative issues we face are a catalyst for the mind to act goofy. The issues may change from person to person, but we pretty much all have them. I just wish I was afraid of spiders or snakes (which I am not) instead of the intangible fears I have. Life would have been a LOT easier and I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am. But as long as there is life, there is hope....right?

Ok...going to take my walk to the mailbox. There is no mail for me....I have mine delivered to a PO box. Tomorrow is another day of cleaning....believe it or not I am almost looking forward to it. My song today is Moments to Remember by the Four Lads...mostly because I heard it on PBS this morning. And if you are wondering why all these ancient songs, well, I AM 61 years old, after all. Adele and Taylor Swift aren't my thing. But that doesn't mean they can't be yours.

The Moon is Not a Balloon

With apologies to David Niven and his first autobiography. The slight change to his title seemed appropriate. Last night I walked outside to put a couple Halloween cards in the mailbox and saw how bright and clear the night was...a crisp fall night. The moon was full and shining. I decided I needed to take a picture of it so I grabbed my tablet and took one....

The more I looked at it, the more I realized it reminded me of myself....glowing and bright, yet fuzzy and fragmented. But in the fuzziness there is beauty....the colors eminating from the glow seem almost artistic. I put the photo on my Foap account......not that I expect to make any money from it (I haven't made anything after having the app for a couple years), but because I have an interest in how others perceive my efforts. I did get some good ratings on it, which is nice.  I have always had a mild interest in photography....I took a photography course at college many years ago.....but had no patience with learning about F stops and such. Nowadays you don't need much knowledge to take nice photos with your phone or tablet. Technology.....ain't it wonderful?  :)

This will probably be my last day alone here.....the owner comes back tomorrow. She is 88 years old and is a near invalid with a typically stubborn attitude. I suppose you can't really blame her at this point in her life but I sure hope I am not that way if I survive that long, I still wonder what to expect when she gets back and if I can cope with it.

I just read that the new budget proposal has been hammered out and Social Security Disability will be cut back. I sure hope that won't affect my chances of getting SSI, which is a bit different than SSD. All those years I didn't get any government support and now that I really need it, it may be in jeopardy. I didn't need that news....my anxiety levels are much higher today. But I have to try and put is aside as I push myself to concentrate on the today and not the tomorrow. A wise person told me you cannot change the past and you cannot predict the future so all you really have is the present.....that is what you have to live in,

Did some grocery shopping yesterday. I bought those green Grab Bags and I really like them...they fit perfectly in the shopping cart and save me from having to recycle plastic bags. I am not trying to sell them but unlike a lot of those As Seen on TV products, this one actually works and is helpful. 

I am waiting for my brother to tell me when he and my SIL are going away for a long weekend so I can house sit. Its my chance to spread out, live like a human being again and relax for a few days.....not to mention being able to shower and do laundry at my leisure. Never take for granted having clean water....it it is a truly precious commodity. 

Today's song is Moon River by Henry Mancini. It works for me. 

Yesterday and Today

Glad at least half of the weekend was pleasant. The not so pleasant half was the Saturday cleaning. I think I am either completely out of shape or I am getting too old for that sort of thing. I found myself dragging after being there for 3 hours....and wasn't finished till I was there 7 hours. But I do a good job (and the clients know it) and feel satisfied when I Ieave that I earned the money I got. I agreed to go back on the weekend before Thanksgiving. I still have another cleaning job I have to do sometime this week.

On Sunday, my daughter took me out to walk a bit. I made the mistake of wearing my boots and although they are relatively comfortable, they really aren't made for walking long distances. Plus I was still a bit sore from the day before. Still, it was nice and we went to a local diner for lunch afterward. Had another good burger....cooked perfecly and very tasty. But I think I need to cool it with the burgers for awhile....I know they aren't all that good for me but I have been craving them for some reason lately.

I need to go to the food store today....out of eggs and nearly out of milk. And my favorite iced tea. I have my own dorm sized fridge in the bedroom (a necessity after the main fridge died and wasn't replaced until a week later). Last week I got a coupon for the BOGO at Boston Market so after I left the cleaning job and got a shower at the gym, I had a nice turkey dinner and got a pot pie to take home....that will be tonights dinner.

I have to confess....I have sold out. I bought a pair of jeggings and I like them. They are SO comfortable and if I pair them with a tunic length top they are very fashionable. I have decided that as long as those stretchy pants are in fashion, I may as well enjoy them. I am not 25 anymore but I can certainly wear SOME clothes without looking ridiculous. I remember as a kid my 60 year old grandmother always wearing a dress, stockings and orthopedic shoes. Thank heaven times have changed!

I want a cat! And the owner of this place I sleep at is coming home from rehab on Wednesday. I have to be here to help out and I am feeling anxiety over what to expect when she gets here. I like having the bedroom door open when no one is here....not so claustrophobic. That will end soon. I want a cat.....sniff, sniff...

My daughter got a collar and an ID tag from the pet store when we were out. The cat had it on about a half an hour and was able to break it apart. Daughter was NOT happy. She is now dealing with a very young cat who has healed from her spaying operation,  become comfortable with her new home and wants to play and make mischief.....as well as an aunt (who lives in the same house) who is pissed off at the cat attacking her feet. I think that is why I would rather have a slightly older cat.....past the kitten stage.....unless I was living alone and could spend the time to play with and exercise a kitten.  But I really want a cat!

Well, I guess I better work myself up to getting dressed and get to the food store. At least I don't have to pay for it. As for today's song, I have had this tune going through my head lately. Reminds me of someone I loved and lost. I Couldn't Live Without Your Love by Petula Clark. I still can't LIVE without him...just exist. I long for the day when I will truly live again. I know it will happen. One day at a time....

Got Water?

As I wrote previously, I will explain about my reasoning for having waited 4 days to shower. Without going into a lot of detail, as this is a public blog and I have my reasons for discretion.

I reside in a temporary housing situation. In this building, the water is contaminated.....not potable. I do not drink it, nor wash clothes in it or anything else in it. The only thing I use it for is to wash down the spittle from brushing my teeth (which is bad enough as the odor from the water makes me feel sick to my stomach) and for toileting.  I use bottled water for brushing my teeth and drinking. When I need to do laundry, I either go to my brother's house or a friend's place when convenient.  But as for showering,  I was forced to find another alternative. So I have budgeted out $10 a month for a gym membership with shower facilities. I don't exercise....no desire TBH. But there is no law that says I have to exercise to use their showers. So I pack up a bag with clean clothes, towel, washcloth, toiletries and hair appliances and off I go. Not the most private nor convenient procedure, but at least I get clean. Now I suppose you might wonder why I don't go to the gym to shower every day? Well, part of my anxiety issues concerns people.....strangers. Not comfortable around strangers. So I have to work myself up to actually packing up the bag and pushing myself out of this room I live in and go to the gym and be around strangers. But its not just the gym...I am not comfortable in stores or streets or any other place there are people. I do better when I am with my daughter....its when I am alone that I am nervous and anxious. Still, you do have to buy food and clothes and other necessities and therefore you HAVE to go out on occasion. And I do....avoiding aisles where there are other people. If I need something found on an occupied aisle, I will wait till its empty. Its gotten worse as I have gotten older, however. Not sure why.

So thats it in a nutshell. For the time being I exist in limbo until my financial situation is straightened out. And I try my best to make the proverbial lemonade out of lemons.

I did get a shower this afternoon. And I feel nearly human again. I also cleaned up the yard a bit....threw out trash and swept the steps. And packed up my car with my cleaning supplies for the house cleaning job on Saturday. Its an hour drive but not an unpleasant one. I do enjoy driving as long as I know where I am going. I panic when I get lost and I don't trust GPS systems....they have gotten me lost on more than one occasion. Very frustrating when you have a car and could conceivably go a lot of places. But not me. I have missed out on a lot over the years because of this fear. But things are getting better....maybe I will live long enough to get one of those cars that drives itself...ha, ha!

I stopped at Marshall's today too. I found a cotton pullover.....and my condition makes it nearly impossible to wear other fabrics comfortably. So I bit the bullet and bought it. I also looked for a winter vest but struck out. May have to look online.

Today's song is in honor of Three Dog Night....One (is the Lonliest Number).

Therapy and Graveyards

I more often than not, get a call from my therapist at the spur of the moment to come over for my session. That happened yesterday, which was fine by me....it meant I didn't have to go today.

Therapy is in the eye of the beholder. No delving into my past....no behavior modification....which is a good thing, really. I am at the point in my life where trying to find a way to cure myself of anxiety and panic is pretty much a lost cause. So what DO we do? We just chat about whatever happened in the past week. I do tell her if I had an especially tough week, depressionwise, and why. But its mostly like 2 friends getting together for an hour and chattiing. TBH, its less stressful for me....talking too much about my problems just makes me even MORE depressed. I think she realizes that. She is the most unconventional therapist I have ever had, which is probably why she has been successful. She told me that she lost one of her clients that day....shot in the back. She was pretty upset. I can certainly understand that. She told me the girl made the mistake of not staying away from people and places which are known to be dangerous. I can't imagine why a person would take such a chance. The girl was 19.

So today I met my brother at the cemetery and we pruned back the rose bush....its good for another year. Then we had some time to kill so we walked around the cemetery and checked out some of the older headstones. I am a bit of a history buff and my brother majored in history in college. It was interesting to see the ages of some of the people and even the ages of children that died. One family had 2 children die on the same day.....a fire, perhaps? Or a tragic accident. One man's family had it put on his stone that he was killed by a car.....in 1898! How many cars could have been on the road that he got hit by one? And there were several "residents" that were veterans of the Civil War....would have been interesting to have known someone who fought in that. Anyway, to me its interesting. I will go back again to walk there and check out more old stones and wonder about the families and their lives. And its a nice place to walk.

Afterward, we drove a short distance to a small restaurant in the town where my brother treated me to lunch. We had been there for a  luncheon after my mother's funeral several years ago. We chose to eat outside and except for one pesky bee that insisted on buzzing around my brother's stout it was very pleasant. We both had the same thing....bacon cheeseburgers (I was really in a burger mood) and it was delicious! Cooked exactly to order and the french fries were good too. I am not a beer person so I had decaf tea. The server brings out this bowl of assorted teas but all I wanted was plain old, plain old. Or Earl Grey. But, no....they had orange, mint, SOOTHING.....but no piain old tea. So I ended up choosing a lemon flavored one...which tasted like fake lemon. As a result, it wasn't very good. But I got a glass or water too, which I drank rather heartily. Brother and I talked about baseball (which we both love) and politics (we both lean towards being liberal, though not radically so) and I caught him up on my situation so far. I also gave him money my other brother transferred to my checking account for next years baseball season tickets. Both my older brothers have season tickets....5 seats combined....so I get to go to the games as well.

After I bid farewell to my brother, I drove to the local mall and decided to walk around there a bit. I picked up some "kicks" for my Shopkick account and a birthday gift for my daughter. I think she will like it. Her birthday is less than 2 months away.

Right now I am trying to build myself up to wanting to go do some housecleaning this weekend for someone. I brushed it off last week but I need the money so it must be done. Then next week I have another housecleaning job to do. I always am glad I do this afterward....its the doing it that I have trouble with. It is good exercise, though, which I do need.

I found a Kindle lying around so I decided to try getting it to work. I charged it up and found out it had The Hunger Games on it so I started reading it. I may or may not finish it. But dispite the way out premise, its an interesing read.

Tomorrow its off to the gym to get a shower....my last one was Sunday morning. I will explain why I haven't had a shower in 4 days in my next missive. I don't have a song for today.....it was a very laid back kind of day and my mind didn't focus on any particular one. But that's a rare occurance....believe me.

Into the Light

Today I got out of bed even though I was still tired and lamenting because I was having a pretty nice dream and didn't want to wake up from it. I got dressed in my comfy jeans, new high/low sweater and put on my black dress boots with some pleasure, as the weather was now cool enough to pull them out of the closet at last. Brushed, flossed and picked my teeth in preparation for my dental appointment later in the day. I liken it to someone cleaning up their house before the cleaning lady gets there. And I never could understand women that do their hair before they go to the salon. But perhaps a dirty, smelly mouth is more offensive than dirty, unkempt hair.

I got my teeth cleaned and x-rays showed no problems, as usual. And it was painful doling out the $405 dollars in cash for a year of treatment.  My next visit will be free and I suppose when that time comes I will be thankful.  I did pick up a list of the insurance plans they take for future reference even though I have made a promise to myself not to dwell on the future. ....especially one I am not certain of one way or the other.

Afterward I drove down the street to the cemetery where my parents are buried to see the grave. Pulled out some weeds growing around the front and looked at the rose bush I had planted behind the headstone several years before. It really likes that spot....grows like a weed. I will be meeting my brother there on Wednesday morning to prune back the bush. Ron and I used to do it every fall. It won't be quite the same but at least it will be done for another year.

I stopped at Boston Market for lunch and got a turkey sandwich and a Coke.  Being diabetic,  I had given up Coke, but lately I have been needing it.....mostly for comfort. (I will get off it again soon. ...I promise.) Then I went over to A.C. Moore and bought some yarn. I want to find a nice hat and scarf pattern.....not for me but for a gift. Not sure who yet but someone will like it, I am sure.

I lit a Yankee Candle this evening. ..haven't done that since I packed up and left the condo. It's Balsam and it smells nice.  I am going to do whatever is in my limited power to do to keep myself happy. It has been nearly 10 months since Ron died. I am not over my grief but I don't have to stop grieving or forgetting to take some steps...even baby ones....to try to recover some normalcy in my life. I know I will get it back. Just not sure how long it will take this time.

I tend to think of things in terms of songs I know.....and at my age I know a lot of them.  I hear something that reminds me of a song and suddenly it's running through my head and coming out my mouth.  I don't have to hear a song to be reminded of one.....a phrase, a sentence and off goes my mind on another musical journey. Today's song was I Can Hear Music by the Beach Boys. You can hear it....can't you?