Thursday, December 24, 2015

The Nightmare Before Christmas.Day

I arrived at my son's house in Boston yesterday morning. It was an uneventful trip and my daughter made good time. But it didn't take long for me to feel out of place and anxious, which is the exact opposite of how I wanted to feel.

My daughter spent the whole afternoon in the kitchen baking and cooking. The Christmas Eve meal was good and I was glad to get to make my favorite holiday dish....Sweet Potato Crunch. But even that isn't helping my mood to be more festive.

It simply doesn't feel like Christmas. Its hard when most of the people in this house simply don't have any real holiday spirit. It may as well be any other day. I miss Ron...I miss the tree and all my decorations....and feeling at peace. I want to feel it here but its not going to happen, I may as well have stayed home. I feel like a stranger with my own famly.

Tomorrow is Christmas day and I don't even care. I hate feeling like this. And I have to be here for another week and a half. What is WRONG with me???? I know, really. I can't pretend I want to be around all these people. I am not ready for this. I want to be alone.

Maybe I will feel in different tomorrow? I sure hope so. And maybe my next post will be more uplifting.

Today's song is What's This? from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Its what everyone is watching on the BIG movie screen my son has installed in the living room. They don"t watch TV....only stuff from their computers, like Netfiix.....sigh....

Thursday, December 17, 2015

El Nino

Whatever it is, it needs to go away. I don't mind a mild holiday season but this is ridiculous. Its predicted to be 70 degrees on Christmas day.

However, I wont be in PA then....I will be in Boston. And a bit uneasy about it dispite being able to visit my son and my granddaughter. Its my anxiety with people.....there will be a LOT of them around and if you have been reading my posts you know that people make me nervous.

And I have another issue. My daughter is driving us up but she has to go right back on Sunday (because she has school on Monday) and my son wants me to stay longer, which I certainly want to. But that means travelling  back by myself. Just the thought of it makes me feel queasy. I told my son that if someone literally puts me on the right train or bus and there are no tranfers and if there is someone right there to meet me when I get off, I should be ok, because I would be a basket case in any other situation. But if I get USED to doing this, I could conceivably make this a more regular occurance. But one thing at a time.  I will make sure I take my anxiety meds with me when I go.

I cleaned my ex's place on Tuesday and my daughter called me to tell me that my ex SIL was pleased as usual but she wants me to come back and do it again next week because she wants it perfect for Christmas, as she is having their family over. I told my daughter I would be happy to do it again but will have to do it on Monday as I have my therapy appointment on Tuesday and we leave for Boston on Wednesday. I said if this was ok with her, let me know. I could sure use the money again.

My therapist wants me to make a list of all my goals for next year. I think they are pretty much the same as I had hoped for THIS year, but what the heck? I am nearly certain I will be stuck here for at least another year and that isn't doing anything for my condition. But I have to think as positively as I can and remember that I am making a little money and that eventually I WILL have my own place again somehow. But I don' t have the patience I had when I was younger.....mainly  because I have NO idea how many more years of life....and good quality of life.....I have left. I miss my last home desperately. Even with all the work that needed to be done to it, it was a palace compared to this place.

Owner's son just told me he is going to sneak out later to catch Star Wars. No problem....owner and I should both be asleep.

One more week till I see New England again. No snow but at least it will be a more fun Christmas than last year. I just wish I could look forward to the New Year.....right now I am afraid of what might come.

The song of the day is I Believe in Father Christmas by Greg Lake. Its one of my favorite contemporary Christmas songs. Its pretty....its haunting. A little like me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

A Day Not Like Any Other Day

I tend to have more bad days than good days but today was a good one for a few reasons.

I felt determined to be productive so I set up my Christmas crafting supplies on the kitchen table (which the aide graciously cleaned up for me) and I made one of my Christmas night lights for a gift. It came out nice and I decided to give it to the aide. She was thrilled. I plan on making 2 for my daughter and one for my therapist. But I only bought ONE light at the craft store. I swore I bought 3 but I only found one so Friday I have to go back to the craft store and get a couple more.

My bed was also delivered today and thought it would be sitting in the garage till next week when I was going to attempt to assemble it. One of the owners sons-in-law stopped by to put up the Christmas tree and saw me with the boxes. He said if I would decorate the tree after he put it up, he would put my bed together. Well, I jumped at that. Took him less than 2 hours to do it and I was THRILLED! I now have a real bed...not a mattress on the floor. I can get up off it easily and it has 2 drawers that I already put my sheets in. I am looking forward to a good night's sleep for the first time in many months. Another step toward normalcy.

Got a $100 gift card from my oldest brother for Christmas. I will buy myself something nice with it. Not sure what yet but there are plenty of things I can choose from. Or I may save it until I go to Boston so I have a little extra spending money. Either way, its all good.

My therapist was pleased to see my changed demeanor today in our session. I told her all the good things that happened today and she told me to keep on trying to stay busy and be positive. I will do my best but she also reminded me that I probably won't hear a decision on my SSI appeal until May of 2017! A lot will happen between now and then.

But I am NOT going to worry about that now. I have to concentrate on being HAPPY, especially with Christmas around the corner. I still have to try and finish my daughter's wreath and the other gifts.

My daughter got a new cat and he is cool! Yellow orangish fur with green eyes. Daughter called me and asked me about names. After I joked around a bit I suggested Maize....the word for corn. .She liked it and I was happy to have helped out. Maize reminds us both of another cat we had....very affectionate and confident. She said when she got him home and opened the carrier, he walked out like he owned the place and started exploring. The last cat she had hid under her bed for 3 days. He loves to be pet and head butts you for attention. My daughter said it looks like he is going to fit right in to her life. She is SO lucky.

I want a CAT so much!

Today's song is Step Into Christmas by Elton John. My daughter's favorite Christmas song, in honor of her birthday today. I like the song too. Little victories mean a lot. I hope mine continue.

Friday, December 4, 2015

All Dressed Up

After my day alone with the owner, I was ready to get out and get cleaned up for the weekend. So I packed my bag again and headed off to the gym to shower. I took along a new top and fairly new jeggings. And my Elvis.

My what, you ask? My Elvis. Ron bought it for me several years ago. I saw it at a Swarovski store marked down....although even marked down it wasn't cheap. But I totally fell in love with it and Ron being Ron, he got it for me. Now if you think I am carrying around some little figure of Elvis, let me show you my Elvis....

Not exactly sure WHY he is named Elvis unless his facial expression is supposed to resemble the legendary rocker. All I know is I love this little guy. He is covered in amethyst colored crystals with amethyst wings and his body parts all move. He is the cutest little fellow....about an inch and a half tall, hanging from a pretty ball chain. I usually only wear him when I wear something purple or lavender, which I did today. I am always afraid I am going to lose one of the crystals or something but so far he is in perfect shape.

Swarovski was one of Ron's favorite things. He had a yearly membership with them and every year he gave me the free members gift for Christmas. But he got me other pieces from them too. I have a Winnie the Pooh and a Piglet, a rose and an angelfish, a pair of kingfishers and a teddy bear holding a poinsettia. Right now they are all packed away with the rest of my stuff in Boston. Someday I hope I can display them again. Ron told me they should be behind glass but I will be happy to eventually see then again one day.

Anyway, I looked pretty sharp today although I did my share of crying over Ron. But I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and I wanted to look decent for a change. He gave me a new prescription to add to the Fluvox....a drug called Propanolol. Although its main use is for hypertension, it is strangely enough used for situational anxiety. I am not supposed to take it chronically but just when I need it. So we'll see if it helps. A lot of people online seem pleased with the results they've had.

I never got this room I am stuck in straightened up......really need to do that. My bed arrives next Wednesday.....hope I can assemble it properly. Picked up some more crafting supplies for the gifts I want to make. I also found a little resin figure of 2 Cardinals. I love cardinals and Ron knew that. This figure was all on its own and wasn't damaged like a lot of the stuff I am seeing. And as I stood in the store holding it, I wondered if this was a sign from Ron. Anyway, I bought it and found out it was on sale.....marked down from $12.99 to $5. I plan on incorporating it into some kind of display when I have my own place to decorate for the holidays. But for now, its just a pretty little figurine....

That's about it for now. Today's song is Run, Run, Rudolph...I seem to be hearing not only the original version by Chuck Berry but covers by various artists lately. But its a fun song and great to dance to. Sometimes I miss dancing.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Here We Go Again!

Its a neverending roller coaster for me, of anxiety and emotions and worry and somehow I have to try and rise above it and move forward. First step has been accomplished.

Saw my therapist yesterday. Told her about my denial letter. She immediately told me I needed to hire a lawyer. She said she worked with one in the past who had successfully won cases for her clients. I decided to take a chance. She called the lawyers office and arranged for them to call me today.

The lady was pleasant enough....asked me general questions about my various mental conditions and then told me she would present my case to her boss, the lawyer. She told me it would take at least 24 hours but an hour later, she called back and said they were going to take my case. Now the good thing about all this is that these guys only get paid if they win so they don' t take cases they feel are a lost cause. So at least that's a good thing.

But now the fun begins...ha, ha! They will be sending me a packet of forms to fill out and I have to send them copies of my  ID, SS# and copy of the rejection letter. I should get the packet by the end of the week. And I am pretty certain that I will have to see a Dr. and probably a neurologist to confirm my having Tourettes. The thoughts of all this already has my stomach in a knot. And even when all the info is put forward and the appeal is heard, it takes at least 18 months for a decision. Still, the lawyer does most of the work and he gets 1/3rd of my retroactive payments or about $8,000 when all is said and done, assuming he wins my case.

I see my psychiatrist on Friday....and I am not sure if my meds will change or not. Probably not. But I sure wish there was something I could take for the situational anxiety I am dealing with.  Oh well.

Today's song is Linus and Lucy by Bill Melendez. Yesterday was the 50th anninversary of A Charlie Brown Christmas. My daughter and I went to see The Peanuts Movie last Saturday (her treat!) and I really enjoyed it....especially in the theater's reclining seats. If you like Peanuts, go see it.