Thursday, January 21, 2016

That's Snow Business

A major storm is about to blanket our area with over a foot of snow....closer to 2 feet. So I did what most people do....I went to the grocery store. I never used to do that but I have never been in the position where I had to totally rely on myself. I didn't need much can one old lady eat?

But I did a stupid thing. I forgot where I put my food stamp card so when I got to the checkout I couldn't find it. And I nearly panicked. But I remembered I did have enough cash to cover the $47 total. But that was my spending cash....and now its gone.

I did find the card when I got in the car.....I bought a new wallet and I put the card in this nearly hidden pocket and forgot about it. I immediately moved it to where I see it when I open the wallet. But I least I didn't lose it.

Anyway, I am now prepared for the next few days of hunkering down and braving the blizzard. I even remembered to pull my windshield wipers up away from the glass so they don't stick....last time I forgot, I broke the wipers when I turned them on.

My oldest brother sent a little money to me for bills again....that helps ease my mind a bit. I am ok for another month.

And I was able to do laundry at my ex's house yesterday....he told me I was welcome to use his washer whenever I wanted. That's helpful, too.

I decided to try the Klonopin the Dr. prescribed. And it worked GREAT! My anxiety was heart rate was slower. And, for the first time in my life, my Tourettes was much better controlled.....I hardly had any tics! It did make me sleepy but I can handle that. What I COULDN'T handle was the excessive thirst and my tongue feeling like some alien creature was in my mouth as well as the horrible taste. I drank and drank and drank but the thirst continued.....for EIGHT hours! I was miserable. So that's that....I will have to speak to the office and see if there is a similar medicine that wont have the same side effects. Let's hope so because it really did help otherwise.

The song for today is One by Three Dog Night. I hope I can find some way to pass these lonely days in other ways than worrying about what's next.

Monday, January 18, 2016

A Letter to Everyone

Dear ___________ (insert your name here)

I was going to go out today to pick up my new meds (Dr. is putting me on Clonopin to see if that helps with panic attacks) but as it is with a lot of days, I simply don't feel like going out. Since I have to go out tomorrow....have a therapy can wait. In the meantime, I feel like writing a little on my laptop, which I haven't used much for the past several weeks because its usually a lot easier to use my tablet. But I do like my laptop....I should for $1,200 dollars. And I need to use it more for that reason.

I consider myself a pretty savvy computer user for a senior, but yesterday I felt SO dumb.

I have a pretty decent WiFi printer that Ron bought me several years ago and used to be able to print with it from all my devices.....laptop, tablet and phone. But I always believed that you had to hook the printer up with an ethernet cable to your router to access the network. I was able to do that at the condo but here the router is in the owner's son's room....not accessible to me. So if I wanted to print anything, I would hook the printer cable up to my laptop. A pain, but doable.

While I was visiting my son, someone purchased a wireless printer. All they did was plug it in and set it up and anyone could print wirelessly I thought that was pretty cool.....and why couldn't I do that with MY printer? So yesterday I got to thinking and I went onto Google and looked for info on my printer and, wouldn't you know, there was a video showing exactly how to set it up for wireless printing. You get the printer to find the network, punch in the router passcode and your done.

Now I can print wirelessly from my laptop as well as my phone and tablet. Ain't technology great? My brain? .....not so much. You learn something new......or old, in this case..... all the time.

I have to recommend a certain app.....not because I get anything for doing so but because the darn thing just WORKS! Its the Printer Share app. You do have to pay for the key....$12....but once you have it, you can print from anything. I had NO luck using the software that came from my printer when was at the condo so when I found the Printer Share app and read the reviews, I decided to try it. Worked right off so I bit the bullet and boughtt the key. You can use the key on all your devices and its a one time cost. Totally worth it if you do a lot of printing and have trouble getting your wireless devices to work with your printer.

Decided to make mashed potatoes yesterday since there was about 5 pounds of potatoes just sitting in the kitchen with the potential to rot. Not the best thing to eat when you are a diabetic but I am eating other good stuff with them like good vegetables and meat. There are quite a bit of leftover potatoes so I will have them for several meals. I don't do a lot of cooking here due to the lack of things to cook with....not to mention having to buy water to cook with. So I buy a lot of food that just needs heating in the microwave. Can't WAIT to have my own kitchen again.

One thing I DO like about the cold weather is that when I go to the garage to grab an iced tea from the case, its already colder than the fridge can make it. I have to have my drinks COLD....I gag on anything room temperature. Not sure where THAT came from but....

I now have 2 free magazine for Food Network and one for Martha Stewart Living. I got them both from online offers. Sometimes junk mail can be worth it. I prefer print media to online when it comes to books and magazines. Will be sorry to see them disappear....I know its going to happen eventually.

So, the song for today is Changes by David Bowie. He will be missed.

I think that is all for the moment. Keep smiling....I am trying too.



Saturday, January 9, 2016

The Veil of Uncertainty

Things have been happening here since I was gone. First, the owner is back in rehab and will NOT be coming back. The family is making preparations for her to enter a nursing home. Yesterday, some family members were going through paperwork looking for legal documents for owners lawyer. They need to get executive power of attorney so they can get things started. The son said he would keep me posted.

So the good news is, no more having to worry about watching the owner. That means I am free to do what I want, pretty much. The bad news is no more money....I was given a final pay and that's it. I do have some money saved but I have no idea how long things will take to progress. I will have to move out, which is the thing that has me the most concerned. I have no real control over where I will go since I wont be footing the bill for it. Apartments are not cheap....even BAD ones. My major concern is my safety....I will be living alone and don't want to end up a target. And if I end up near my son, I will no longer have a vehicle. I will be isolated....alone....with no way to get around. I may as well live out of my car. 

Yes, I am anxious....maybe sound defeatist. Its not intentional but I am scared and I just want to not be scared anymore. I am trying to remember what my daughter told least I didn't have to look after the owner anymore. Which is a HUGE relief. Still its been a year since I came here and these 4 walls are closing in on me. 

There is something that concerns me more than anything. I love my kids and I know they love me. But do they respect me? How can you possibly respect someone who is such a loser? I would give ANYTHING to not be this way. But that's not going to happen. But I would feel SO much better if I knew my kids respected me somewhat. I would feel like more of a parent than I do right now, instead of a leech. 

We all have to play the hand we are dealt. And I am doing my best to do that. I started working on an afghan that I started for my son and his wife 18 montha ago. I hope to finish it in the next week or so. I have the time, if nothing else. And I really DO want to give it to them....I know they will love it.

Today's song is Help! by the Beatles. The lyrics really hit home right now. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Railroad Blues

I am on a train passing through Connecticut on my way back to PA. I get off in Phily where my daughter (who just called me) will be picking me up. I am trying to be calm but I have to make my way to the restroom soon and I have never been in a train restroom. So why am I anxious? Just another unfamiliar thing I have to navigate and all that stuff gives me anxiety.

This is only my second time on a train in my life. The first time was in 1969 when I was was a class trip to Washington. It was fun then...lots of wood in the cars and we had dinner in the dining car. I even remember what I had....roast beef. Now all I care about is that when the time comes I can get off this thing with the 2 bags and purse before they start up the train again.

If you have ever been on a train, you have probably noticed that the view out the windows of a train are pretty depressing. Run down old buildings, construction sites, electrical wiring, rusting things, grafitti. The only interesting stuff so far are the can see some wildlife (birds). Its not like flying....that is much more least to me it is. Inside the car here, some people are sleeping and some are on their computers (like me). I guess years ago, before cell phones and laptops, people just read. Don't see anyone doing that.

Ok....this will be short. I really need to hit the restroom now. Wish me luck.

Today's song is The City of New Orleans by Arlo Guthrie. The connection to my journey is obvious.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Why ME??

I am still in Boston at my son's house. And I am still sick.

SICK you ask? Yeah....have been sick since the day after Christmas. The one thing I had a feeling would happen. Nine people in close quarters with sick kids and its bound to catch up with you. Now I haven't been sick in 2 years and I actually fear getting sick due to the fact that as I am no longer in my 20's (or even 30's), my immune system is shot. So first I got a sore throat....then I got the cold symptoms....then finally I got the sinus infection, which I am still fighting. Its not as bad as it was but its still there....still nagging me. Will probably be another week before I am mostly over it. I am already sworn that I will NOT come back here if anyone is sick. as no one uses any preventative measures (like cleaning) to keep the viruses in check. 

My son has misplaced my Christmas present. I have no idea if I will ever see it. All I can do is roll my eyes. I love my son but....

We did have one nice day. Even though I was sick, he took me out to breakfast, then to see Star Wars and finally, lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Was really nice. He hired one of those car services.....not UBER...the other get us from place to place. Very convenient, if not expensive. But he can afford it. He also took me to the local mall so I could see about getting a new phone, which I did. Leased a Samsung S6. Never thought of leasing as an option for me but its actually better than owning at this point. I turn in the phone anytime and get the newer version. Cost less monthly than buying the phone and I wont have an old phone sitting in a drawer when I upgrade. I am the new phone!

Got some news yesterday, The owner of the home I live in was back in the hospital and I am hearing that although she will be out today, the family is going to start researching nursing home options. Will probably take several months but it looks like I will be moving sooner than later. My son has already told me he will rent an apartment for me. My only thought is that it will be in BOSTON.....and I do NOT want to live up here. With my anxiety, I would never go out, never go anywhere. But I am not going to bring up the issue right now. I need to try and keep saving money and my sanity. 

I leave here very early Wednesday morning. Son has reserved a seat on a train that stops in Philly where my daughter will pick me up. My vacation will be over. Didn't feel like a vacation being sick and all. I am actually looking forward to sleeping in my own bed instead of a futon in a living room.

Today's song is Supercalifragalisticexpialidocious from Mary Poppins. My granddaughter insisted I play that video over quite a few times today. I probably won't see her for a few months....she will be 3 then.