Happy Thanksgiving....and You've Been Denied

So I got the letter I was expecting......and I was unceremoniously told I don't qualify for disability. Seems as long as I can do simple tasks, I can work. So, fine.....let THEM get me a job I can do where I don't sit there freaked out of my mind. 

I did my crying....I am not going let my holiday be ruined. I did call my son with the news....he told me he would get to together with my daughter in law and work out the next move. My daughter tells me not to worry....that they will think of something. And all I can do is look forward to living in this place until the owner ends up in a home. And THEN what? 

But the anxiety meds seem to be helping....I haven't had a total meltdown. But I am sad....and feeling like a complete pathetic loser. I am so ashamed about this whole situation that I am not going to tell the rest of my family about my being denied. 

Tomorrow will be Thanksgiving at my brothers. I picked up some inexpensive champagne and cranberry juice. I also got some fancy bread my sister in law wanted at the Wegmans....it was SO crowded, I was ready to have a panic attack. I grabbed the bread, checked out and hightailed it back to my SUV, where I sat for several minutes to calm myself. No one understands this part of me. Sure I look normal....can even ACT normal. Its other things that make it nearly impossible to live like a normal person. Do they think I LIKE being like this? That its FUN? 

That's all I can write this time. The song for today is What I Am by Edie Brickell. Sometimes I wonder what I am. Happy Thanksgiving, fellow Americans.

You Do Hairdo?

Got my hair done today and boy did I need it. I can only afford to get it done properly every 6 months and I actually waited a bit longer this time as I last got it done in April. Its a lot shorter than I am used to but my hair grows pretty fast so I am ok with it. My stylist is really good....she spends a lot of time on me and I never leave disappointed. I also had her wax and dye my eyebrows as well. I look a LOT better!

No anxiety today, which is good since I have had it pretty consistently for the last couple weeks. But tomorrow is my day with the owner. Still, its only one day and its going to rain so its a perfect day for being indoors anyway,

This has been cat day. I was visiting my daughter this afternoon (dropping off an extra bed pillow I had for her) and she told me how she was hearing a cat in the house. I wanted to make a joke about her cat haunting the house, but thought better of it. About an hour later, my ex came home and shortly afterward said he heard a cat and, oddly enough, so did I. The sound stopped but a short time later, it happened again. My ex went down into the basement and, lo and behold, there WAS a cat down there. Now this cat had been trapped in the basement for nearly a WEEK with no food or water. He looked ok but we had to scare him out of the back room where the furnace is. It ran out and jumped up onto the window ledge, then jumped down onto the built in shelf and behind the tv. We left him there to calm down and left food and water. I am hoping he will hang around and be a pet for my daughter, but we'll see. And when I got back here, the aide told me she saw a cat hanging around the house....she also gave it food and water and is hoping it will turn into a pet. But that's up to the cat....they adopt YOU, not the other way around. But it sure would be nice to have a cat.

I got another letter from the state of NJ about my disability claim. Said they have been trying to contact the mental health clinic with no response and I MUST have them get in touch with their office. So I told the receptionist about it and gave him the letter. He told me he would call yesterday and would call me. Think he did that?....NOOOOO. So I am not going to get upset....I have done all I was told as far as this disability claim is concerned. Its up to them now.

Good news to add! I am going to Boston to be with my kids for the Christmas holiday! I found out they have been planning this. I wish they had told ME about it but my daughter told me I should have assumed I would be going. I learned a LONG time ago never to assume anything but I have 2 terrific kids and I should have expected they wouldn't let me be alone for Christmas. I will get to COOK a holiday meal! I am SO looking forward to that. Not yet sure if I will be going up with my daughter or taking a bus or train. She told me I was welcome to go with her. Will have to think about it....I have time.

I got the money my oldest brother sent to me...that will take care of my car insurance and phone bill. I am ok for money for another month, thank goodness!

Tomorrow I am going to try and tackle straightening up this bedroom. Not sure what I am going to do with everything but I will figure something out. Its getting me depressed just looking at it.

I used to think I was crazy when there were times I couldn't sleep and I would make up stories in my head to stop the convoluted thoughts that kept me awake....kinda like reading except its your own book. Its been working again and I found out that OTHER people do the same thing. Not crazy after all. I have been making up mystery stories....the current one is a murdered blackmailer. The wrong person is being accused. I have to find the REAL murderer. :)

Today's song is Hair by the Cowsills. Mine is no longer flowing and there are no birds nests in it but at least its mine. :)

Doing the Thankful Dance!

It's only fitting with Thanksgiving approaching that there are always SOME things to be thankful for.

First, I had my psych eval exam by the Social Security doctor. He was very nice and tried his best to get me to laugh, which he did a little. Although I have no idea how he evaluated me, he seemed genuinely sympathetic and even agreed with my assessment that I DO have Tourettes and he would note that as a clinical diagnosis. He also said he was going to send out the report as soon as I left so I wouldn't think it was sitting on his desk for 2 weeks. My therapist said that was a good sign. She seems confident that I will be approved but I can't help but have my doubts. It would be the best Christmas present in the world. Anyway, I am thankful that the exam is over and I can relax a bit again.

My oldest brother has been my savior. He is supportive and caring, even though he is thousands of miles away. I DO wish he was here and I know he does too. He is also sending me money every month so I don't freak out about expenses. Last month, the money he sent I had to use for the dentist so that put a dent in my savings that I had to use for monthly bills. But he is sending a little more and that will let me breathe a little easier when the bills are due later this month. I have paid some but I am scraping the bottom of the bank account. However, I am taking a little of the money and getting my hair done....its been 7 months since I have had it cut and it needs attention for the winter season. It also helps my mood a bit. I am very thankful I have such a caring brother!

My other older brother has been as supportive as he can be. He lets me use his house when he and my SIL are not there, which has helped me to feel normal for a little while. He drove me to the psych appointment yesterday when I asked him. He told me whenever I need some help like that just ask. Now that he is retired he doesn't have as much to do so he is more available. I am thankful for him and his help.

I am thankful that the new aide for the owner is very good and helpful. The owner is well cared for by her. She has the personality and skill for it.....neither of which I have. So I only have to be responsible for her one day a week. That is a load off my anxiety. I can handle one day.

And last but not least, I am VERY thankful for my kids. I wouldn't have much reason to live without them....and my granddaughter. Its knowing they are there and in some way still need me makes me feel good. And I am thankful I have a good relationship with them....not like me and my mother.

So, on the whole, things are looking up. I want to believe that Ron is looking out for me. I tend to believe in angels and I believe he is one of them, which would be a joke on him, as he was an atheist and didn't think there was anything after death. But we never really know for sure until our time comes. As much as I have gone through in my life, there have been things that have happened to me that are TOO coincidental to be a coincidence. That's why I really do believe in angels. Also, my oldest brother told me to stop worrying....that the family would NOT let me go south. So that also eases my mind somewhat.

Today's song is What Does the Fox Say? Don't know who does it....can't remember...but I saw it on You Tube last night and its a perfect song for kids. If I remember correctly, foxes make a chit-like sound. You can check out You Tube for the video. Its strange but fun for a kid. I think my granddaughter would love it. :)

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I have been spending the weekend at my brother's house while he and my SIL are away. Although its great to be here even for a few days (they have a really nice house in a quiet, wooded area), I have been dealing with the stress of facing the psychologists appointment I have on Tuesday. I don't like dealing with strangers, especially ones who work for the government and who don't have any reason to make it easier for me to get my supplimental income. But I have to face it. My Tourettes has been nearly out of control because of the anxiety. I dread Tuesday, but at the same time, I can't wait for it to be over.

My brother's house is a refuge for me. No one here (which is wonderful), and I can pretty much do what I want. And being able to shower in clean water whenever I want, brush my teeth in clean water, drink cold, clean tap water from the fridge, have ice on demand....well, its a luxury for me now. I made myself a nice dinner of turkey breast, baked potato and green beans.  Relatively healthy. Tomorrow I will shower one more time, wash the linens, remake the bed, pack up and then relax until early evening when I must leave and go back to that place.

Its been worked out that I will only be watching the owner one day a week....Thursday. Cuts down on my money but its actually better for both of us....she will get better care from the new caregiver and I will have less anxiety about having to be responsible for her.

I am watching Sunday Night Football because I have a mild interest in the Eagles. But if they fall too far behind, I can always watch something else. My brother has cable with all the on demand bells and whistles. Another luxury I can appreciate. I may end up with an antenna when I get a place of my own because I can pretty much guarantee there wont be any money for cable.

A very odd thing happened to me which I will relate. I was packing up my car to come here on Friday morning and was making room in my hatchback when I pushed aside a small Amazon box I had in the back. It was empty except for some packing peanuts....or so I thought. When I moved it, some of the peanuts shifted and I noticed what looked like a $20 bill inside. I reached in and it wasn't a $20 bill.....it was a bunch of $20 bills! I counted them and there was $200. Then I put my hand back in the box, pushed some of the peanuts aside and found another $20 bill. I grabbed it, and it turned out to be 4 bills.....$80. Two hundred and eighty dollars! I didn't know what to think.....I have NO memory of putting any money in that box and its been in my car for weeks. A miracle? Well, I don't think that's likely. But I am not going to feel guilty about keeping it. I had been stressing about my money situation and this just what I needed. So I can relax a but for the rest of the month and not worry about money until December.

As for today's song, all you have to do is read the title of this entry. Wish me luck on Tuesday.

Death and Chaos

As much as I wanted this blog to be more uplifting, I also need to put down the events that not only make me smile but those that have me crying.

When you live in what amounts to a nursing home 24/7 and you have mental issues of your own, its not a good mix. One person is waiting to die while I have to deal with the fallout of her daily life. It was MUCH easier when I was able to go home at the end of the day to my own place, to my Ron, to peace. There is no peace here....only temporary respites of calm amid the chaos of others.

BUT there is some good news. The new day care person started today. She is pretty good....she has a great attitude and I wonder how long that will last? She has done this work before, though not with a person quite as infirm as this one. She is nice and friendly and since she lives in NJ, so we have a common point of reference. I went out today to do some food shopping for the house and bought some stuff for the owners meals.....as well as some food for myself. And Snapple tea was BOGO....that was a nice find. I also ordered some Lysol onine for the owners laundry to keep the germs and the smell down....should get that by the end of the week.

I started back to working on an afghan I started crocheting a few months ago. I lost interest but its taking up TOO much room in here so I need to finish it and send it to its new home.  Then I have ANOTHER afghan I started a year ago that also needs finishing so I can get THAT out of here, too.

Tomorrow is election day so I plan to pack a bag for the gym, shower, then head across the bridge to vote, pick up my mail and just pretend to be a normal person for awhile. I also have to pick up my car insurance card at my brothers since I use his address for that.

Oh.....Halloween was ok. My daughter asked me if I wanted to come over and give out the candy (she hates to do that), so I drove over for that. We also made these things I found online....you use tp rolls, cut out spooky eyes, put a glow stick inside and put them in the trees and bushes. They came out SO cool.....we are going to do it again next year only make more of them.

I did miss decorating for Halloween this year. All I can do is believe that next year will be different. Next year WILL be different.

Today's song is Everyday People by Sly and the Family Stone. We are ALL everyday people.