Happy Thanksgiving....and You've Been Denied

So I got the letter I was expecting......and I was unceremoniously told I don't qualify for disability. Seems as long as I can do simple tasks, I can work. So, fine.....let THEM get me a job I can do where I don't sit there freaked out of my mind. 

I did my crying....I am not going let my holiday be ruined. I did call my son with the news....he told me he would get to together with my daughter in law and work out the next move. My daughter tells me not to worry....that they will think of something. And all I can do is look forward to living in this place until the owner ends up in a home. And THEN what? 

But the anxiety meds seem to be helping....I haven't had a total meltdown. But I am sad....and feeling like a complete pathetic loser. I am so ashamed about this whole situation that I am not going to tell the rest of my family about my being denied. 

Tomorrow will be Thanksgiving at my brothers. I picked up some inexpensive champagne and cranberry juice. I also got some fancy bread my sister in law wanted at the Wegmans....it was SO crowded, I was ready to have a panic attack. I grabbed the bread, checked out and hightailed it back to my SUV, where I sat for several minutes to calm myself. No one understands this part of me. Sure I look normal....can even ACT normal. Its other things that make it nearly impossible to live like a normal person. Do they think I LIKE being like this? That its FUN? 

That's all I can write this time. The song for today is What I Am by Edie Brickell. Sometimes I wonder what I am. Happy Thanksgiving, fellow Americans.