Days go by like usual. Some good...some not so good.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But in my mind, there is always SOMETHING eluding me. Usually its companionship. Human companionship.
My Qamar is 10 months old now. He is a good dog. He is totally housebroken and he doesn't bother my stuff....never chewed shoes or furniture. Or at least not that I noticed. There were a couple times when I saw him chomp on the skirt of my sofa but he knows I don't approve despite the fact that it's a second-hand sofa and the previous owner must have had a pet (probably a cat) who tore part of the skirt, which didn't bother me. But I don't want it worse.
He is neutered and chipped and very food driven. But he is afraid of a lot of things including strangers and inanimate objects, which is why he doesn't seem interested in my stuff. I can leave my laptop or my charging cables on the floor and he doesn't touch them even when I am not here. He is even afraid of the basket I have his toys in. I am working on trying to get him a bit more social but once he gets to know you, he is very friendly. He even likes my ex. :D
But on the human side, the man I have been seeing....or not seeing much....is a concern. Loving someone should make you happy. Instead, I cry. I have been considering looking for a new partner. But I don't know. This man, when I am with him, is kind and caring and he looks out for me. And my issues don't bother him....or they don't seem to. I am not sure if I would get that lucky enough to find another man who will accept me that way. But he keeps telling me he will see more of me WHEN....when his son graduates from college (he did), when the son gets a job (he's working on that), when he retires (was supposed to be in September but has changed his mind because he wants MORE Social Security). When he told me that, I literally cried. He doesn't send me texts anymore to let me know he is thinking of me....he just doesn't seem to care unless he is physically with me. I am getting tired of waiting. I need more. As much as I love having my own place, I am tired of always being alone. You can talk to a dog, but they can't talk back. I am grateful to have Qamar, and he has helped me with my panic attacks. But I need the love of a human being.
And to make things even tougher, my daughter just moved and got an apartment with 2 other girls. I know she is very happy....I can imagine. She is 30 now and she shouldn't be living with her father. She is going to school for nursing and working as a med tech. She loves the city and all it has to offer. But I will miss her.
I got myself a sewing machine. I have been wanting one for a long time and I had gift cards saved so I didn't have to pay much out of pocket for it. I lost my crochet mojo....I did try to get back into it but it didn't work. So now I am trying sewing. I am going to make a grilling apron for the man I am dating and a teddy bear for my grandson. I just wish I had my crafting stuff down here.... it's still in my son's garage. The boyfriend says we will go in the middle of August but I am still not sure it's going to happen. He has said we were going SO many times and we never did. He says a lot of things that never happen. He is taking me to the ballgame tomorrow night...but the tickets are free and I am paying for the parking. He DID say he would take me out for a meal before the game but I would rather just have TIME with him....doesn't have to spend money on me. I have suggested lots of time free things we could do....he says he will work on it. But he doesn't.
Lost my medical insurance but hopefully, it's only temporary. I had to reapply for Medicaid since I turned 65 which screwed everything up. Will take a while to hear. Meanwhile, I have to cancel my psychiatrist and primary appointments this month.
I did join a fitness center which my brother is paying for. I workout on the strength machines and do the treadmill and there are also several pools although I mostly use the exercise pool and the BIG hot tub. Most of the people are older because it's not like a regular gym....people go there for physical therapy, too. It's not as cheap as a gym either but there are a lot of options.....lots of classes if you are interested and trainers to help you out if you need it. Its a beautiful facility and they supply most everything you need. They just upgraded the showers in the locker room...they are really nice. And they have towels and soap and shampoo, a sauna, a steam room....even a machine that spins your swimsuit nearly dry.
I had to get a supplementary a/c unit for my apartment which has been a huge help in keeping the place a bit cooler. I decided to put myself onto the economy billing for the electric so I don't have a HUGE bill for the next couple months. We are heading into a big heat wave for the next 7 days and it's going to be brutal.
And I just ordered an electric scooter for myself for no real reason other than it will be fun....and I need some fun. It was priced lower for Prime Day on Amazon and I had a $75 gift card I put toward it. And since I have an Amazon Prime Visa, I can spread out the payments over 12 months with no interest. That works. Looking forward to trying out my new toy.
My mind still hurts sometimes. I overthink things to the point where I give myself anxiety. Not fun. Sometimes I yell at people that aren't there because I can't yell at them when I am with them. Isn't that silly? But that's me.
I am not particularly a summer person. I still get hot flashes and night sweats. And my weight is up, although I AM trying to get it under control. I have to. I need to. It's getting harder to lose weight.
I needed to write. I needed to say something even if no one reads it. I am used to no one caring about what I say or feel. But I still have to say it....and feel it. I just wish that someone would listen....and care.
The song this time is.....ya know...I can't think of one that fits how I am feeling. I am sure there is one out there. So listen to it for me.
