Wednesday, November 30, 2016

How's Your Love Life? (Adult Content)

Well...things have progressed a bit since my last post...not necessarily for the best, but...

First off, the man I spoke of in my last post decided he would rather get back with the wife who left him nearly a year ago and was verbally abusing him than try making a life with a woman who would only treat him with love and respect...go figure. Not to mention his manipulating daughter who is using her granddaughter as a bargaining chip to get her father back with her mother. Funny how all this suddenly came about AFTER they found out he was dating. Well, fine....I think they all deserve each other. I feel used and humiliated. And then he says if it doesn't work out he will look for me. Yeah....SMH! Well, its partly my own fault....I broke my rule about dating separated men. Never again. 

And then I met another guy. Again, I broke a rule....don't date obese men. Too bad...he is a nice guy.....very intelligent and fun and has lots of stories. Been around the world as an AF pilot. But he let himself go and he has physical issues I am finding it hard to get past. With me, all the plumbing works and I need someone with the same attribute. What amazes ME is that he kept hinting at how BIG he was....and he wasn't talking about his belly. He is not even a really average size. Although he probably hasn't seen himself lately and can't tell....even if he looked in a mirror it wouldn't help as he has what is known as a retracted penis....happens to obese men. This may be all TMI but it makes me wonder WHY men build themselves up only to be outed and embarrassed when the truth comes out, which it invariably has to.....and then put the blame on ME?? He says he is going to do something about his physical problems but why wait until he is DATING? Why didn't he do it ages ago.....get in shape and then go looking with confidence and not have to exaggerate about himself. He is thinking over whether or not he wants to continue seeing me. I really don't care. He basically lied and to me that is uncalled for. So I continue to search. 

I am getting a lot of interest but mainly from men who seem to have little intelligence or live across the country. The only reason a guy from Florida or California would have an interest in me is online sex.....dream on, fellas. And if they have a genuine interest, they must realize I have NO desire to leave this area....especially when I have that in my profile....unless they don't read those. 

I am sick right now....bad sinus infection. I hate this! I always get sick around the holidays and its so frustrating. It also means I wont be showering until I feel better...which might not be for several days. But I have a wonderful daughter! She went on Grub Hub last night, ordered and paid for Chinese take out to be delivered to me this afternoon....lots of wonton soup and shrimp with broccoli. Enough for another day. Maybe I will feel better enough then to get out to the store for something to eat. 

My moods have been up and down....the holidays are having an affect on me. I went to Ron's son's house for Thanksgiving and actually had a great time. Sat next to his son at dinner and we talked. He cried over his father when I spoke of him....didn't mean to upset him. I was trying to make him see that his father is still with him as I feel he is with me. And I have felt that lately. It may just be because its coming up on the anniversary of his death....has it really only been 2 years? Feels like more. I carry the baggage of his death, Jim's death, my mother's death, my sister's death and all the other deaths I have dealt with. I seem to be obsessed with it sometimes. 

An odd thing happened to me. It was the night I found out Leonard Cohen died. Not sure if that is significant or not but its an interesting coincidence. I was lying in bed falling asleep when suddenly words started popping into my head. More and more of them and I was compelled to record them so I grabbed my phone, opened my memo app and started typing. When I finished, I had 2 stanzas of an unfinished poem. The words stopped coming so I put the phone down and went to sleep. In the morning when I awoke, the words started coming again. I picked up my phone and started typing again.....3 more stanzas....and I realized I was writing about myself. When I read the finished poem, it made me cry. But it was the fact that this never happened to me before. I have been writing poetry off and on since I was in high school but the poems never came to me like that. It was almost like someone's spirit got into my head and said, "Write is your lament.", which made me think maybe Leonard Cohen was inside me, writing the words. Silly, I know but its kinda spooky. My therapist seems to think that it was my mind's way of trying to get me to put my pain into words so I could deal with it. I have my doubts about that.

I share the poem with whoever wishes to read it. Its actually one of the best things I ever wrote. And you must remember I have NO idea where the words came from....

The Road

She travels in her mind
Down a road that leads to someplace
Where she's never found the solace
That's escaped her since her childhood
Though she moves along quite willing.

She hears the haunting echoes
Of the voices in her past
And she cannot understand
Why their words are incoherent
But the memory still burns her.

She sees the scattered ashes
Of the men she loved and lost
But she thinks as she walks past them
There will always be another
Who will take what she will offer.

She reaches for the altar
Where the light is nearly blinding
And again she searches vainly
For His arms to wrap around her
While her mind slowly betrays her.

Her eyes have finally opened
And she sees the lonely graveyard
With the plot she tends so gently
Trying not to feel the future
And her place beneath the flowers. 
The song I am thinking of today is Elton John's "Step Into Christmas"....its the ringtone my daughter insists I use for her at this time of year. And its one of my favorite Christmas songs.