It's only been a couple weeks this time since I posted. And I feel better, although that wasn't true a week ago.
I am conflicted....to use a term used by a friend. I have never been one to interfere in the lives of others and I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions for the last couple of weeks. I have never experienced jealousy.....I have never wished for a relationship to fail....I have never had these feelings before in my life. But I guess you are never too old to feel something new.
I know I posted last time about a man whom I love and who loves me but is with someone else. There was an incident concerning his birthday....he expressed a desire to spend it with me and I was very happy. Well, that didn't happen. He decided to go see his son and also view a play in the same city being directed by a friend. I had no problem with this as family comes first. Well, seems it wasn't only family involved in the trip....he took his girlfriend. Now that might be just fine and dandy but it showed me that he basically lied.
I confronted him about it, and he admitted that he should have been more honest with me about the trip. I realize that I have no hold on him but I also realize that if you tell someone you will do something with them and DON'T, that's misleading at best, and lying at worst. I was hurt...this was a man I trusted. We texted back and forth about the whole issue....my feelings....his feelings. Not much got resolved.
The next day I texted him to see if he still planned on going to a certain restaurant we had talked about together and he said yes. Then he texted me to see if I still wanted to see the new James Bond movie, which I did. So we made arrangements that he would pick me up in the morning for the noon matinee.
When he got to my apartment, we talked a little more and I told him that I felt he was changing the dynamic of our relationship. He said that he was not, but that he had been depressed for the last couple of days and that may have shown up in his texts. I understood, but I said if we were to continue our friendship, I couldn't worry about what I might say that would upset him. He said that I could tell him anything and that my feelings were certainly relevant, considering our relationship. So off we went to the movies.
At the end of the film (I won't give any spoilers), I started to tear up. And as it ended, I was full-on crying.....and so was HE. He took my hand and held onto it. We sat there till the credits were over, then we left the theatre and he went and got me tissues from the men's room. And then he held me until I calmed down and held my hand till we got to the car. We talked in the car on the way home and he said the song at the end was what did it for him and how it related to our relationship.
We got back to my apartment and talked some more about our feelings. And one thing led to another and we wound up in bed. It wasn't planned certainly, but it only served to confirm what we have been dealing with in our hearts.
We have talked some more and although it's a not a perfect situation, we are going to continue to pursue our feelings and see what happens. I honestly believe that we are more compatible as a couple than he and the other woman he has been seeing.
But I have noticed he has pulled back some....like he feels guilty. I will have to find out what is going on in his mind and if he now feels differently, it may mean the end of everything for us. I already told him I CAN'T be his pal/buddy. I love him and he loves me and to pretend otherwise is a lie I cannot accept.
What a situation! You'd think that at my age, things would get easier as far as relationships. Apparently not. But I am not desperate....if things don't work out for us, as difficult as it might be, I will accept it and move on. Only time will tell.
