The Nightmare Before Christmas.Day

I arrived at my son's house in Boston yesterday morning. It was an uneventful trip and my daughter made good time. But it didn't take long for me to feel out of place and anxious, which is the exact opposite of how I wanted to feel.

My daughter spent the whole afternoon in the kitchen baking and cooking. The Christmas Eve meal was good and I was glad to get to make my favorite holiday dish....Sweet Potato Crunch. But even that isn't helping my mood to be more festive.

It simply doesn't feel like Christmas. Its hard when most of the people in this house simply don't have any real holiday spirit. It may as well be any other day. I miss Ron...I miss the tree and all my decorations....and feeling at peace. I want to feel it here but its not going to happen, I may as well have stayed home. I feel like a stranger with my own famly.

Tomorrow is Christmas day and I don't even care. I hate feeling like this. And I have to be here for another week and a half. What is WRONG with me???? I know, really. I can't pretend I want to be around all these people. I am not ready for this. I want to be alone.

Maybe I will feel in different tomorrow? I sure hope so. And maybe my next post will be more uplifting.

Today's song is What's This? from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Its what everyone is watching on the BIG movie screen my son has installed in the living room. They don"t watch TV....only stuff from their computers, like Netfiix.....sigh....

El Nino

Whatever it is, it needs to go away. I don't mind a mild holiday season but this is ridiculous. Its predicted to be 70 degrees on Christmas day.

However, I wont be in PA then....I will be in Boston. And a bit uneasy about it dispite being able to visit my son and my granddaughter. Its my anxiety with people.....there will be a LOT of them around and if you have been reading my posts you know that people make me nervous.

And I have another issue. My daughter is driving us up but she has to go right back on Sunday (because she has school on Monday) and my son wants me to stay longer, which I certainly want to. But that means travelling  back by myself. Just the thought of it makes me feel queasy. I told my son that if someone literally puts me on the right train or bus and there are no tranfers and if there is someone right there to meet me when I get off, I should be ok, because I would be a basket case in any other situation. But if I get USED to doing this, I could conceivably make this a more regular occurance. But one thing at a time.  I will make sure I take my anxiety meds with me when I go.

I cleaned my ex's place on Tuesday and my daughter called me to tell me that my ex SIL was pleased as usual but she wants me to come back and do it again next week because she wants it perfect for Christmas, as she is having their family over. I told my daughter I would be happy to do it again but will have to do it on Monday as I have my therapy appointment on Tuesday and we leave for Boston on Wednesday. I said if this was ok with her, let me know. I could sure use the money again.

My therapist wants me to make a list of all my goals for next year. I think they are pretty much the same as I had hoped for THIS year, but what the heck? I am nearly certain I will be stuck here for at least another year and that isn't doing anything for my condition. But I have to think as positively as I can and remember that I am making a little money and that eventually I WILL have my own place again somehow. But I don' t have the patience I had when I was younger.....mainly  because I have NO idea how many more years of life....and good quality of life.....I have left. I miss my last home desperately. Even with all the work that needed to be done to it, it was a palace compared to this place.

Owner's son just told me he is going to sneak out later to catch Star Wars. No problem....owner and I should both be asleep.

One more week till I see New England again. No snow but at least it will be a more fun Christmas than last year. I just wish I could look forward to the New Year.....right now I am afraid of what might come.

The song of the day is I Believe in Father Christmas by Greg Lake. Its one of my favorite contemporary Christmas songs. Its pretty....its haunting. A little like me.

A Day Not Like Any Other Day

I tend to have more bad days than good days but today was a good one for a few reasons.

I felt determined to be productive so I set up my Christmas crafting supplies on the kitchen table (which the aide graciously cleaned up for me) and I made one of my Christmas night lights for a gift. It came out nice and I decided to give it to the aide. She was thrilled. I plan on making 2 more....one for my daughter and one for my therapist. But I only bought ONE light at the craft store. I swore I bought 3 but I only found one so Friday I have to go back to the craft store and get a couple more.

My bed was also delivered today and thought it would be sitting in the garage till next week when I was going to attempt to assemble it. One of the owners sons-in-law stopped by to put up the Christmas tree and saw me with the boxes. He said if I would decorate the tree after he put it up, he would put my bed together. Well, I jumped at that. Took him less than 2 hours to do it and I was THRILLED! I now have a real bed...not a mattress on the floor. I can get up off it easily and it has 2 drawers that I already put my sheets in. I am looking forward to a good night's sleep for the first time in many months. Another step toward normalcy.

Got a $100 gift card from my oldest brother for Christmas. I will buy myself something nice with it. Not sure what yet but there are plenty of things I can choose from. Or I may save it until I go to Boston so I have a little extra spending money. Either way, its all good.

My therapist was pleased to see my changed demeanor today in our session. I told her all the good things that happened today and she told me to keep on trying to stay busy and be positive. I will do my best but she also reminded me that I probably won't hear a decision on my SSI appeal until May of 2017! A lot will happen between now and then.

But I am NOT going to worry about that now. I have to concentrate on being HAPPY, especially with Christmas around the corner. I still have to try and finish my daughter's wreath and the other gifts.

My daughter got a new cat and he is cool! Yellow orangish fur with green eyes. Daughter called me and asked me about names. After I joked around a bit I suggested Maize....the word for corn. .She liked it and I was happy to have helped out. Maize reminds us both of another cat we had....very affectionate and confident. She said when she got him home and opened the carrier, he walked out like he owned the place and started exploring. The last cat she had hid under her bed for 3 days. He loves to be pet and head butts you for attention. My daughter said it looks like he is going to fit right in to her life. She is SO lucky.

I want a CAT so much!

Today's song is Step Into Christmas by Elton John. My daughter's favorite Christmas song, in honor of her birthday today. I like the song too. Little victories mean a lot. I hope mine continue.

All Dressed Up

After my day alone with the owner, I was ready to get out and get cleaned up for the weekend. So I packed my bag again and headed off to the gym to shower. I took along a new top and fairly new jeggings. And my Elvis.

My what, you ask? My Elvis. Ron bought it for me several years ago. I saw it at a Swarovski store marked down....although even marked down it wasn't cheap. But I totally fell in love with it and Ron being Ron, he got it for me. Now if you think I am carrying around some little figure of Elvis, let me show you my Elvis....

Not exactly sure WHY he is named Elvis unless his facial expression is supposed to resemble the legendary rocker. All I know is I love this little guy. He is covered in amethyst colored crystals with amethyst wings and his body parts all move. He is the cutest little fellow....about an inch and a half tall, hanging from a pretty ball chain. I usually only wear him when I wear something purple or lavender, which I did today. I am always afraid I am going to lose one of the crystals or something but so far he is in perfect shape.

Swarovski was one of Ron's favorite things. He had a yearly membership with them and every year he gave me the free members gift for Christmas. But he got me other pieces from them too. I have a Winnie the Pooh and a Piglet, a rose and an angelfish, a pair of kingfishers and a teddy bear holding a poinsettia. Right now they are all packed away with the rest of my stuff in Boston. Someday I hope I can display them again. Ron told me they should be behind glass but I will be happy to eventually see then again one day.

Anyway, I looked pretty sharp today although I did my share of crying over Ron. But I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and I wanted to look decent for a change. He gave me a new prescription to add to the Fluvox....a drug called Propanolol. Although its main use is for hypertension, it is strangely enough used for situational anxiety. I am not supposed to take it chronically but just when I need it. So we'll see if it helps. A lot of people online seem pleased with the results they've had.

I never got this room I am stuck in straightened up......really need to do that. My bed arrives next Wednesday.....hope I can assemble it properly. Picked up some more crafting supplies for the gifts I want to make. I also found a little resin figure of 2 Cardinals. I love cardinals and Ron knew that. This figure was all on its own and wasn't damaged like a lot of the stuff I am seeing. And as I stood in the store holding it, I wondered if this was a sign from Ron. Anyway, I bought it and found out it was on sale.....marked down from $12.99 to $5. I plan on incorporating it into some kind of display when I have my own place to decorate for the holidays. But for now, its just a pretty little figurine....

That's about it for now. Today's song is Run, Run, Rudolph...I seem to be hearing not only the original version by Chuck Berry but covers by various artists lately. But its a fun song and great to dance to. Sometimes I miss dancing.

Here We Go Again!

Its a neverending roller coaster for me, of anxiety and emotions and worry and somehow I have to try and rise above it and move forward. First step has been accomplished.

Saw my therapist yesterday. Told her about my denial letter. She immediately told me I needed to hire a lawyer. She said she worked with one in the past who had successfully won cases for her clients. I decided to take a chance. She called the lawyers office and arranged for them to call me today.

The lady was pleasant enough....asked me general questions about my various mental conditions and then told me she would present my case to her boss, the lawyer. She told me it would take at least 24 hours but an hour later, she called back and said they were going to take my case. Now the good thing about all this is that these guys only get paid if they win so they don' t take cases they feel are a lost cause. So at least that's a good thing.

But now the fun begins...ha, ha! They will be sending me a packet of forms to fill out and I have to send them copies of my  ID, SS# and copy of the rejection letter. I should get the packet by the end of the week. And I am pretty certain that I will have to see a Dr. and probably a neurologist to confirm my having Tourettes. The thoughts of all this already has my stomach in a knot. And even when all the info is put forward and the appeal is heard, it takes at least 18 months for a decision. Still, the lawyer does most of the work and he gets 1/3rd of my retroactive payments or about $8,000 when all is said and done, assuming he wins my case.

I see my psychiatrist on Friday....and I am not sure if my meds will change or not. Probably not. But I sure wish there was something I could take for the situational anxiety I am dealing with.  Oh well.

Today's song is Linus and Lucy by Bill Melendez. Yesterday was the 50th anninversary of A Charlie Brown Christmas. My daughter and I went to see The Peanuts Movie last Saturday (her treat!) and I really enjoyed it....especially in the theater's reclining seats. If you like Peanuts, go see it.

Happy Thanksgiving....and You've Been Denied

So I got the letter I was expecting......and I was unceremoniously told I don't qualify for disability. Seems as long as I can do simple tasks, I can work. So, fine.....let THEM get me a job I can do where I don't sit there freaked out of my mind. 

I did my crying....I am not going let my holiday be ruined. I did call my son with the news....he told me he would get to together with my daughter in law and work out the next move. My daughter tells me not to worry....that they will think of something. And all I can do is look forward to living in this place until the owner ends up in a home. And THEN what? 

But the anxiety meds seem to be helping....I haven't had a total meltdown. But I am sad....and feeling like a complete pathetic loser. I am so ashamed about this whole situation that I am not going to tell the rest of my family about my being denied. 

Tomorrow will be Thanksgiving at my brothers. I picked up some inexpensive champagne and cranberry juice. I also got some fancy bread my sister in law wanted at the Wegmans....it was SO crowded, I was ready to have a panic attack. I grabbed the bread, checked out and hightailed it back to my SUV, where I sat for several minutes to calm myself. No one understands this part of me. Sure I look normal....can even ACT normal. Its other things that make it nearly impossible to live like a normal person. Do they think I LIKE being like this? That its FUN? 

That's all I can write this time. The song for today is What I Am by Edie Brickell. Sometimes I wonder what I am. Happy Thanksgiving, fellow Americans.

You Do Hairdo?

Got my hair done today and boy did I need it. I can only afford to get it done properly every 6 months and I actually waited a bit longer this time as I last got it done in April. Its a lot shorter than I am used to but my hair grows pretty fast so I am ok with it. My stylist is really good....she spends a lot of time on me and I never leave disappointed. I also had her wax and dye my eyebrows as well. I look a LOT better!

No anxiety today, which is good since I have had it pretty consistently for the last couple weeks. But tomorrow is my day with the owner. Still, its only one day and its going to rain so its a perfect day for being indoors anyway,

This has been cat day. I was visiting my daughter this afternoon (dropping off an extra bed pillow I had for her) and she told me how she was hearing a cat in the house. I wanted to make a joke about her cat haunting the house, but thought better of it. About an hour later, my ex came home and shortly afterward said he heard a cat and, oddly enough, so did I. The sound stopped but a short time later, it happened again. My ex went down into the basement and, lo and behold, there WAS a cat down there. Now this cat had been trapped in the basement for nearly a WEEK with no food or water. He looked ok but we had to scare him out of the back room where the furnace is. It ran out and jumped up onto the window ledge, then jumped down onto the built in shelf and behind the tv. We left him there to calm down and left food and water. I am hoping he will hang around and be a pet for my daughter, but we'll see. And when I got back here, the aide told me she saw a cat hanging around the house....she also gave it food and water and is hoping it will turn into a pet. But that's up to the cat....they adopt YOU, not the other way around. But it sure would be nice to have a cat.

I got another letter from the state of NJ about my disability claim. Said they have been trying to contact the mental health clinic with no response and I MUST have them get in touch with their office. So I told the receptionist about it and gave him the letter. He told me he would call yesterday and would call me. Think he did that?....NOOOOO. So I am not going to get upset....I have done all I was told as far as this disability claim is concerned. Its up to them now.

Good news to add! I am going to Boston to be with my kids for the Christmas holiday! I found out they have been planning this. I wish they had told ME about it but my daughter told me I should have assumed I would be going. I learned a LONG time ago never to assume anything but I have 2 terrific kids and I should have expected they wouldn't let me be alone for Christmas. I will get to COOK a holiday meal! I am SO looking forward to that. Not yet sure if I will be going up with my daughter or taking a bus or train. She told me I was welcome to go with her. Will have to think about it....I have time.

I got the money my oldest brother sent to me...that will take care of my car insurance and phone bill. I am ok for money for another month, thank goodness!

Tomorrow I am going to try and tackle straightening up this bedroom. Not sure what I am going to do with everything but I will figure something out. Its getting me depressed just looking at it.

I used to think I was crazy when there were times I couldn't sleep and I would make up stories in my head to stop the convoluted thoughts that kept me awake....kinda like reading except its your own book. Its been working again and I found out that OTHER people do the same thing. Not crazy after all. I have been making up mystery stories....the current one is a murdered blackmailer. The wrong person is being accused. I have to find the REAL murderer. :)

Today's song is Hair by the Cowsills. Mine is no longer flowing and there are no birds nests in it but at least its mine. :)

Doing the Thankful Dance!

It's only fitting with Thanksgiving approaching that there are always SOME things to be thankful for.

First, I had my psych eval exam by the Social Security doctor. He was very nice and tried his best to get me to laugh, which he did a little. Although I have no idea how he evaluated me, he seemed genuinely sympathetic and even agreed with my assessment that I DO have Tourettes and he would note that as a clinical diagnosis. He also said he was going to send out the report as soon as I left so I wouldn't think it was sitting on his desk for 2 weeks. My therapist said that was a good sign. She seems confident that I will be approved but I can't help but have my doubts. It would be the best Christmas present in the world. Anyway, I am thankful that the exam is over and I can relax a bit again.

My oldest brother has been my savior. He is supportive and caring, even though he is thousands of miles away. I DO wish he was here and I know he does too. He is also sending me money every month so I don't freak out about expenses. Last month, the money he sent I had to use for the dentist so that put a dent in my savings that I had to use for monthly bills. But he is sending a little more and that will let me breathe a little easier when the bills are due later this month. I have paid some but I am scraping the bottom of the bank account. However, I am taking a little of the money and getting my hair done....its been 7 months since I have had it cut and it needs attention for the winter season. It also helps my mood a bit. I am very thankful I have such a caring brother!

My other older brother has been as supportive as he can be. He lets me use his house when he and my SIL are not there, which has helped me to feel normal for a little while. He drove me to the psych appointment yesterday when I asked him. He told me whenever I need some help like that just ask. Now that he is retired he doesn't have as much to do so he is more available. I am thankful for him and his help.

I am thankful that the new aide for the owner is very good and helpful. The owner is well cared for by her. She has the personality and skill for it.....neither of which I have. So I only have to be responsible for her one day a week. That is a load off my anxiety. I can handle one day.

And last but not least, I am VERY thankful for my kids. I wouldn't have much reason to live without them....and my granddaughter. Its knowing they are there and in some way still need me makes me feel good. And I am thankful I have a good relationship with them....not like me and my mother.

So, on the whole, things are looking up. I want to believe that Ron is looking out for me. I tend to believe in angels and I believe he is one of them, which would be a joke on him, as he was an atheist and didn't think there was anything after death. But we never really know for sure until our time comes. As much as I have gone through in my life, there have been things that have happened to me that are TOO coincidental to be a coincidence. That's why I really do believe in angels. Also, my oldest brother told me to stop worrying....that the family would NOT let me go south. So that also eases my mind somewhat.

Today's song is What Does the Fox Say? Don't know who does it....can't remember...but I saw it on You Tube last night and its a perfect song for kids. If I remember correctly, foxes make a chit-like sound. You can check out You Tube for the video. Its strange but fun for a kid. I think my granddaughter would love it. :)

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I have been spending the weekend at my brother's house while he and my SIL are away. Although its great to be here even for a few days (they have a really nice house in a quiet, wooded area), I have been dealing with the stress of facing the psychologists appointment I have on Tuesday. I don't like dealing with strangers, especially ones who work for the government and who don't have any reason to make it easier for me to get my supplimental income. But I have to face it. My Tourettes has been nearly out of control because of the anxiety. I dread Tuesday, but at the same time, I can't wait for it to be over.

My brother's house is a refuge for me. No one here (which is wonderful), and I can pretty much do what I want. And being able to shower in clean water whenever I want, brush my teeth in clean water, drink cold, clean tap water from the fridge, have ice on demand....well, its a luxury for me now. I made myself a nice dinner of turkey breast, baked potato and green beans.  Relatively healthy. Tomorrow I will shower one more time, wash the linens, remake the bed, pack up and then relax until early evening when I must leave and go back to that place.

Its been worked out that I will only be watching the owner one day a week....Thursday. Cuts down on my money but its actually better for both of us....she will get better care from the new caregiver and I will have less anxiety about having to be responsible for her.

I am watching Sunday Night Football because I have a mild interest in the Eagles. But if they fall too far behind, I can always watch something else. My brother has cable with all the on demand bells and whistles. Another luxury I can appreciate. I may end up with an antenna when I get a place of my own because I can pretty much guarantee there wont be any money for cable.

A very odd thing happened to me which I will relate. I was packing up my car to come here on Friday morning and was making room in my hatchback when I pushed aside a small Amazon box I had in the back. It was empty except for some packing peanuts....or so I thought. When I moved it, some of the peanuts shifted and I noticed what looked like a $20 bill inside. I reached in and it wasn't a $20 bill.....it was a bunch of $20 bills! I counted them and there was $200. Then I put my hand back in the box, pushed some of the peanuts aside and found another $20 bill. I grabbed it, and it turned out to be 4 bills.....$80. Two hundred and eighty dollars! I didn't know what to think.....I have NO memory of putting any money in that box and its been in my car for weeks. A miracle? Well, I don't think that's likely. But I am not going to feel guilty about keeping it. I had been stressing about my money situation and this just what I needed. So I can relax a but for the rest of the month and not worry about money until December.

As for today's song, all you have to do is read the title of this entry. Wish me luck on Tuesday.

Death and Chaos

As much as I wanted this blog to be more uplifting, I also need to put down the events that not only make me smile but those that have me crying.

When you live in what amounts to a nursing home 24/7 and you have mental issues of your own, its not a good mix. One person is waiting to die while I have to deal with the fallout of her daily life. It was MUCH easier when I was able to go home at the end of the day to my own place, to my Ron, to peace. There is no peace here....only temporary respites of calm amid the chaos of others.

BUT there is some good news. The new day care person started today. She is pretty good....she has a great attitude and I wonder how long that will last? She has done this work before, though not with a person quite as infirm as this one. She is nice and friendly and since she lives in NJ, so we have a common point of reference. I went out today to do some food shopping for the house and bought some stuff for the owners meals.....as well as some food for myself. And Snapple tea was BOGO....that was a nice find. I also ordered some Lysol onine for the owners laundry to keep the germs and the smell down....should get that by the end of the week.

I started back to working on an afghan I started crocheting a few months ago. I lost interest but its taking up TOO much room in here so I need to finish it and send it to its new home.  Then I have ANOTHER afghan I started a year ago that also needs finishing so I can get THAT out of here, too.

Tomorrow is election day so I plan to pack a bag for the gym, shower, then head across the bridge to vote, pick up my mail and just pretend to be a normal person for awhile. I also have to pick up my car insurance card at my brothers since I use his address for that.

Oh.....Halloween was ok. My daughter asked me if I wanted to come over and give out the candy (she hates to do that), so I drove over for that. We also made these things I found online....you use tp rolls, cut out spooky eyes, put a glow stick inside and put them in the trees and bushes. They came out SO cool.....we are going to do it again next year only make more of them.

I did miss decorating for Halloween this year. All I can do is believe that next year will be different. Next year WILL be different.

Today's song is Everyday People by Sly and the Family Stone. We are ALL everyday people.

La, la, la, la, la, la....Can't HEAR you....

That's about where my mind is today. I want to shut out everything....thoughts, sounds. Have you ever wanted to avoid going to bed because you can't shut out the thoughts or just stop thinking? That's me nearly every night. It has been getting better, though. I used to relive Ron's death over and over again. Although I do still do that, its not all the time now. Time heals wounds....but it can create others. Each fades eventually.

The owner of the house is home. And I am counting the days until we see how long before she ends up back in the hospital and hopefully in a nursing home permanently. She can hardly move now and there is little I can do for her. She sits in an electric recliner that reeks of urine and either sleeps or watches tv. She asked if I would help her walk across the room and back and said of course. Then she tells me I may as well sit down because its going to take her awhile to get up. And she continues to watch the tv. So I went back in the bedroom because I simply can't wait her out...could take an hour or it may never happen. The latter is more likely. I made her eggs at someone's request this morning and she didn't want them. But I made some for myself so it wasn't a total loss. Today I have to make mashed potatoes for her, which is fine....I like them too. The newly hired health care aide was supposed to be here today but her tires got slashed according to a text I got. Oh well....I had no idea she was coming so its not a loss for me.

Ok...onto less depressing things.

Found out my primary email account was hacked so I lost it. Inconvenient, to say the least. But I was smart enough to keep all the old emails that were important on my phone so I sent a note out to all my contacts to change my address in their list.

I wish the weather would decide what it wants to do, I was sweating like crazy last night....found it hard to fall asleep. I was tempted to turn the a/c on. Now its cooling off a bit. They are talking about temps in the 70's for the first week in November. Who says there is no global warming??

Had my therapy appointment yesterday. My therapist liked my tablet so much she went out and bought herself one. She asked me to help her with a few things, which I was happy to do. So that was our session pretty much...helping her change a password and download a couple apps. But that works for me....was very relaxing and anything that relaxes me is fine in my book. Next week, I see the psychiatrist again for a meds check. Not much to report there.

Another confession. Although there are few fast food places I would eat at, I admit I like Chic-Fil-A and Taco Bell. The latter is not really good for me but the former I can actually get something relatively healthy if I feel like it. I used to substitute the fries for a salad but I haven't been doing that lately. I know...not good. My self control has flown out the window. But the last 2 nights I was up every couple hours to use the bathroom. That is a warning signal that my blood sugar is too high. So today I am going to try and keep my carb intake a bit lower.

(Had to stop to make the lady one of my famous grilled cheese sandwiches. Its one of the few foods she really enjoys and she is practically finished it. Which makes me feel better....makes me anxious when she doesn't eat. Not like I can MAKE her eat but I still feel responsible.)

I just turned the a/c on...couldn't handle having the heat on in the rest of the house and trying to keep cool with a fan. I have to keep the door open so I can hear her if she calls. I was thinking of getting her a bell or something but that might end up the biggest mistake I could ever make...ha, ha!

If nothing else the last 40 or so years have taught me is that there are very few, if any, people who don't have some sort of mental issue. I think we, as humans, are predisposed to be that way. Life isn't perfect so it stands to reason that the negative issues we face are a catalyst for the mind to act goofy. The issues may change from person to person, but we pretty much all have them. I just wish I was afraid of spiders or snakes (which I am not) instead of the intangible fears I have. Life would have been a LOT easier and I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am. But as long as there is life, there is hope....right?

Ok...going to take my walk to the mailbox. There is no mail for me....I have mine delivered to a PO box. Tomorrow is another day of cleaning....believe it or not I am almost looking forward to it. My song today is Moments to Remember by the Four Lads...mostly because I heard it on PBS this morning. And if you are wondering why all these ancient songs, well, I AM 61 years old, after all. Adele and Taylor Swift aren't my thing. But that doesn't mean they can't be yours.

The Moon is Not a Balloon

With apologies to David Niven and his first autobiography. The slight change to his title seemed appropriate. Last night I walked outside to put a couple Halloween cards in the mailbox and saw how bright and clear the night was...a crisp fall night. The moon was full and shining. I decided I needed to take a picture of it so I grabbed my tablet and took one....

The more I looked at it, the more I realized it reminded me of myself....glowing and bright, yet fuzzy and fragmented. But in the fuzziness there is beauty....the colors eminating from the glow seem almost artistic. I put the photo on my Foap account......not that I expect to make any money from it (I haven't made anything after having the app for a couple years), but because I have an interest in how others perceive my efforts. I did get some good ratings on it, which is nice.  I have always had a mild interest in photography....I took a photography course at college many years ago.....but had no patience with learning about F stops and such. Nowadays you don't need much knowledge to take nice photos with your phone or tablet. Technology.....ain't it wonderful?  :)

This will probably be my last day alone here.....the owner comes back tomorrow. She is 88 years old and is a near invalid with a typically stubborn attitude. I suppose you can't really blame her at this point in her life but I sure hope I am not that way if I survive that long, I still wonder what to expect when she gets back and if I can cope with it.

I just read that the new budget proposal has been hammered out and Social Security Disability will be cut back. I sure hope that won't affect my chances of getting SSI, which is a bit different than SSD. All those years I didn't get any government support and now that I really need it, it may be in jeopardy. I didn't need that news....my anxiety levels are much higher today. But I have to try and put is aside as I push myself to concentrate on the today and not the tomorrow. A wise person told me you cannot change the past and you cannot predict the future so all you really have is the present.....that is what you have to live in,

Did some grocery shopping yesterday. I bought those green Grab Bags and I really like them...they fit perfectly in the shopping cart and save me from having to recycle plastic bags. I am not trying to sell them but unlike a lot of those As Seen on TV products, this one actually works and is helpful. 

I am waiting for my brother to tell me when he and my SIL are going away for a long weekend so I can house sit. Its my chance to spread out, live like a human being again and relax for a few days.....not to mention being able to shower and do laundry at my leisure. Never take for granted having clean water....it it is a truly precious commodity. 

Today's song is Moon River by Henry Mancini. It works for me. 

Yesterday and Today

Glad at least half of the weekend was pleasant. The not so pleasant half was the Saturday cleaning. I think I am either completely out of shape or I am getting too old for that sort of thing. I found myself dragging after being there for 3 hours....and wasn't finished till I was there 7 hours. But I do a good job (and the clients know it) and feel satisfied when I Ieave that I earned the money I got. I agreed to go back on the weekend before Thanksgiving. I still have another cleaning job I have to do sometime this week.

On Sunday, my daughter took me out to walk a bit. I made the mistake of wearing my boots and although they are relatively comfortable, they really aren't made for walking long distances. Plus I was still a bit sore from the day before. Still, it was nice and we went to a local diner for lunch afterward. Had another good burger....cooked perfecly and very tasty. But I think I need to cool it with the burgers for awhile....I know they aren't all that good for me but I have been craving them for some reason lately.

I need to go to the food store today....out of eggs and nearly out of milk. And my favorite iced tea. I have my own dorm sized fridge in the bedroom (a necessity after the main fridge died and wasn't replaced until a week later). Last week I got a coupon for the BOGO at Boston Market so after I left the cleaning job and got a shower at the gym, I had a nice turkey dinner and got a pot pie to take home....that will be tonights dinner.

I have to confess....I have sold out. I bought a pair of jeggings and I like them. They are SO comfortable and if I pair them with a tunic length top they are very fashionable. I have decided that as long as those stretchy pants are in fashion, I may as well enjoy them. I am not 25 anymore but I can certainly wear SOME clothes without looking ridiculous. I remember as a kid my 60 year old grandmother always wearing a dress, stockings and orthopedic shoes. Thank heaven times have changed!

I want a cat! And the owner of this place I sleep at is coming home from rehab on Wednesday. I have to be here to help out and I am feeling anxiety over what to expect when she gets here. I like having the bedroom door open when no one is here....not so claustrophobic. That will end soon. I want a cat.....sniff, sniff...

My daughter got a collar and an ID tag from the pet store when we were out. The cat had it on about a half an hour and was able to break it apart. Daughter was NOT happy. She is now dealing with a very young cat who has healed from her spaying operation,  become comfortable with her new home and wants to play and make mischief.....as well as an aunt (who lives in the same house) who is pissed off at the cat attacking her feet. I think that is why I would rather have a slightly older cat.....past the kitten stage.....unless I was living alone and could spend the time to play with and exercise a kitten.  But I really want a cat!

Well, I guess I better work myself up to getting dressed and get to the food store. At least I don't have to pay for it. As for today's song, I have had this tune going through my head lately. Reminds me of someone I loved and lost. I Couldn't Live Without Your Love by Petula Clark. I still can't LIVE without him...just exist. I long for the day when I will truly live again. I know it will happen. One day at a time....

Got Water?

As I wrote previously, I will explain about my reasoning for having waited 4 days to shower. Without going into a lot of detail, as this is a public blog and I have my reasons for discretion.

I reside in a temporary housing situation. In this building, the water is contaminated.....not potable. I do not drink it, nor wash clothes in it or anything else in it. The only thing I use it for is to wash down the spittle from brushing my teeth (which is bad enough as the odor from the water makes me feel sick to my stomach) and for toileting.  I use bottled water for brushing my teeth and drinking. When I need to do laundry, I either go to my brother's house or a friend's place when convenient.  But as for showering,  I was forced to find another alternative. So I have budgeted out $10 a month for a gym membership with shower facilities. I don't exercise....no desire TBH. But there is no law that says I have to exercise to use their showers. So I pack up a bag with clean clothes, towel, washcloth, toiletries and hair appliances and off I go. Not the most private nor convenient procedure, but at least I get clean. Now I suppose you might wonder why I don't go to the gym to shower every day? Well, part of my anxiety issues concerns people.....strangers. Not comfortable around strangers. So I have to work myself up to actually packing up the bag and pushing myself out of this room I live in and go to the gym and be around strangers. But its not just the gym...I am not comfortable in stores or streets or any other place there are people. I do better when I am with my daughter....its when I am alone that I am nervous and anxious. Still, you do have to buy food and clothes and other necessities and therefore you HAVE to go out on occasion. And I do....avoiding aisles where there are other people. If I need something found on an occupied aisle, I will wait till its empty. Its gotten worse as I have gotten older, however. Not sure why.

So thats it in a nutshell. For the time being I exist in limbo until my financial situation is straightened out. And I try my best to make the proverbial lemonade out of lemons.

I did get a shower this afternoon. And I feel nearly human again. I also cleaned up the yard a bit....threw out trash and swept the steps. And packed up my car with my cleaning supplies for the house cleaning job on Saturday. Its an hour drive but not an unpleasant one. I do enjoy driving as long as I know where I am going. I panic when I get lost and I don't trust GPS systems....they have gotten me lost on more than one occasion. Very frustrating when you have a car and could conceivably go a lot of places. But not me. I have missed out on a lot over the years because of this fear. But things are getting better....maybe I will live long enough to get one of those cars that drives itself...ha, ha!

I stopped at Marshall's today too. I found a cotton pullover.....and my condition makes it nearly impossible to wear other fabrics comfortably. So I bit the bullet and bought it. I also looked for a winter vest but struck out. May have to look online.

Today's song is in honor of Three Dog Night....One (is the Lonliest Number).

Therapy and Graveyards

I more often than not, get a call from my therapist at the spur of the moment to come over for my session. That happened yesterday, which was fine by me....it meant I didn't have to go today.

Therapy is in the eye of the beholder. No delving into my past....no behavior modification....which is a good thing, really. I am at the point in my life where trying to find a way to cure myself of anxiety and panic is pretty much a lost cause. So what DO we do? We just chat about whatever happened in the past week. I do tell her if I had an especially tough week, depressionwise, and why. But its mostly like 2 friends getting together for an hour and chattiing. TBH, its less stressful for me....talking too much about my problems just makes me even MORE depressed. I think she realizes that. She is the most unconventional therapist I have ever had, which is probably why she has been successful. She told me that she lost one of her clients that day....shot in the back. She was pretty upset. I can certainly understand that. She told me the girl made the mistake of not staying away from people and places which are known to be dangerous. I can't imagine why a person would take such a chance. The girl was 19.

So today I met my brother at the cemetery and we pruned back the rose bush....its good for another year. Then we had some time to kill so we walked around the cemetery and checked out some of the older headstones. I am a bit of a history buff and my brother majored in history in college. It was interesting to see the ages of some of the people and even the ages of children that died. One family had 2 children die on the same day.....a fire, perhaps? Or a tragic accident. One man's family had it put on his stone that he was killed by a car.....in 1898! How many cars could have been on the road that he got hit by one? And there were several "residents" that were veterans of the Civil War....would have been interesting to have known someone who fought in that. Anyway, to me its interesting. I will go back again to walk there and check out more old stones and wonder about the families and their lives. And its a nice place to walk.

Afterward, we drove a short distance to a small restaurant in the town where my brother treated me to lunch. We had been there for a  luncheon after my mother's funeral several years ago. We chose to eat outside and except for one pesky bee that insisted on buzzing around my brother's stout it was very pleasant. We both had the same thing....bacon cheeseburgers (I was really in a burger mood) and it was delicious! Cooked exactly to order and the french fries were good too. I am not a beer person so I had decaf tea. The server brings out this bowl of assorted teas but all I wanted was plain old, plain old. Or Earl Grey. But, no....they had orange, mint, SOOTHING.....but no piain old tea. So I ended up choosing a lemon flavored one...which tasted like fake lemon. As a result, it wasn't very good. But I got a glass or water too, which I drank rather heartily. Brother and I talked about baseball (which we both love) and politics (we both lean towards being liberal, though not radically so) and I caught him up on my situation so far. I also gave him money my other brother transferred to my checking account for next years baseball season tickets. Both my older brothers have season tickets....5 seats combined....so I get to go to the games as well.

After I bid farewell to my brother, I drove to the local mall and decided to walk around there a bit. I picked up some "kicks" for my Shopkick account and a birthday gift for my daughter. I think she will like it. Her birthday is less than 2 months away.

Right now I am trying to build myself up to wanting to go do some housecleaning this weekend for someone. I brushed it off last week but I need the money so it must be done. Then next week I have another housecleaning job to do. I always am glad I do this afterward....its the doing it that I have trouble with. It is good exercise, though, which I do need.

I found a Kindle lying around so I decided to try getting it to work. I charged it up and found out it had The Hunger Games on it so I started reading it. I may or may not finish it. But dispite the way out premise, its an interesing read.

Tomorrow its off to the gym to get a shower....my last one was Sunday morning. I will explain why I haven't had a shower in 4 days in my next missive. I don't have a song for today.....it was a very laid back kind of day and my mind didn't focus on any particular one. But that's a rare occurance....believe me.

Into the Light

Today I got out of bed even though I was still tired and lamenting because I was having a pretty nice dream and didn't want to wake up from it. I got dressed in my comfy jeans, new high/low sweater and put on my black dress boots with some pleasure, as the weather was now cool enough to pull them out of the closet at last. Brushed, flossed and picked my teeth in preparation for my dental appointment later in the day. I liken it to someone cleaning up their house before the cleaning lady gets there. And I never could understand women that do their hair before they go to the salon. But perhaps a dirty, smelly mouth is more offensive than dirty, unkempt hair.

I got my teeth cleaned and x-rays showed no problems, as usual. And it was painful doling out the $405 dollars in cash for a year of treatment.  My next visit will be free and I suppose when that time comes I will be thankful.  I did pick up a list of the insurance plans they take for future reference even though I have made a promise to myself not to dwell on the future. ....especially one I am not certain of one way or the other.

Afterward I drove down the street to the cemetery where my parents are buried to see the grave. Pulled out some weeds growing around the front and looked at the rose bush I had planted behind the headstone several years before. It really likes that spot....grows like a weed. I will be meeting my brother there on Wednesday morning to prune back the bush. Ron and I used to do it every fall. It won't be quite the same but at least it will be done for another year.

I stopped at Boston Market for lunch and got a turkey sandwich and a Coke.  Being diabetic,  I had given up Coke, but lately I have been needing it.....mostly for comfort. (I will get off it again soon. ...I promise.) Then I went over to A.C. Moore and bought some yarn. I want to find a nice hat and scarf pattern.....not for me but for a gift. Not sure who yet but someone will like it, I am sure.

I lit a Yankee Candle this evening. ..haven't done that since I packed up and left the condo. It's Balsam and it smells nice.  I am going to do whatever is in my limited power to do to keep myself happy. It has been nearly 10 months since Ron died. I am not over my grief but I don't have to stop grieving or forgetting to take some steps...even baby ones....to try to recover some normalcy in my life. I know I will get it back. Just not sure how long it will take this time.

I tend to think of things in terms of songs I know.....and at my age I know a lot of them.  I hear something that reminds me of a song and suddenly it's running through my head and coming out my mouth.  I don't have to hear a song to be reminded of one.....a phrase, a sentence and off goes my mind on another musical journey. Today's song was I Can Hear Music by the Beach Boys. You can hear it....can't you?