Thursday, October 29, 2015

La, la, la, la, la, la....Can't HEAR you....

That's about where my mind is today. I want to shut out everything....thoughts, sounds. Have you ever wanted to avoid going to bed because you can't shut out the thoughts or just stop thinking? That's me nearly every night. It has been getting better, though. I used to relive Ron's death over and over again. Although I do still do that, its not all the time now. Time heals wounds....but it can create others. Each fades eventually.

The owner of the house is home. And I am counting the days until we see how long before she ends up back in the hospital and hopefully in a nursing home permanently. She can hardly move now and there is little I can do for her. She sits in an electric recliner that reeks of urine and either sleeps or watches tv. She asked if I would help her walk across the room and back and said of course. Then she tells me I may as well sit down because its going to take her awhile to get up. And she continues to watch the tv. So I went back in the bedroom because I simply can't wait her out...could take an hour or it may never happen. The latter is more likely. I made her eggs at someone's request this morning and she didn't want them. But I made some for myself so it wasn't a total loss. Today I have to make mashed potatoes for her, which is fine....I like them too. The newly hired health care aide was supposed to be here today but her tires got slashed according to a text I got. Oh well....I had no idea she was coming so its not a loss for me.

Ok...onto less depressing things.

Found out my primary email account was hacked so I lost it. Inconvenient, to say the least. But I was smart enough to keep all the old emails that were important on my phone so I sent a note out to all my contacts to change my address in their list.

I wish the weather would decide what it wants to do, I was sweating like crazy last night....found it hard to fall asleep. I was tempted to turn the a/c on. Now its cooling off a bit. They are talking about temps in the 70's for the first week in November. Who says there is no global warming??

Had my therapy appointment yesterday. My therapist liked my tablet so much she went out and bought herself one. She asked me to help her with a few things, which I was happy to do. So that was our session pretty much...helping her change a password and download a couple apps. But that works for me....was very relaxing and anything that relaxes me is fine in my book. Next week, I see the psychiatrist again for a meds check. Not much to report there.

Another confession. Although there are few fast food places I would eat at, I admit I like Chic-Fil-A and Taco Bell. The latter is not really good for me but the former I can actually get something relatively healthy if I feel like it. I used to substitute the fries for a salad but I haven't been doing that lately. I know...not good. My self control has flown out the window. But the last 2 nights I was up every couple hours to use the bathroom. That is a warning signal that my blood sugar is too high. So today I am going to try and keep my carb intake a bit lower.

(Had to stop to make the lady one of my famous grilled cheese sandwiches. Its one of the few foods she really enjoys and she is practically finished it. Which makes me feel better....makes me anxious when she doesn't eat. Not like I can MAKE her eat but I still feel responsible.)

I just turned the a/c on...couldn't handle having the heat on in the rest of the house and trying to keep cool with a fan. I have to keep the door open so I can hear her if she calls. I was thinking of getting her a bell or something but that might end up the biggest mistake I could ever make...ha, ha!

If nothing else the last 40 or so years have taught me is that there are very few, if any, people who don't have some sort of mental issue. I think we, as humans, are predisposed to be that way. Life isn't perfect so it stands to reason that the negative issues we face are a catalyst for the mind to act goofy. The issues may change from person to person, but we pretty much all have them. I just wish I was afraid of spiders or snakes (which I am not) instead of the intangible fears I have. Life would have been a LOT easier and I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am. But as long as there is life, there is hope....right?

Ok...going to take my walk to the mailbox. There is no mail for me....I have mine delivered to a PO box. Tomorrow is another day of cleaning....believe it or not I am almost looking forward to it. My song today is Moments to Remember by the Four Lads...mostly because I heard it on PBS this morning. And if you are wondering why all these ancient songs, well, I AM 61 years old, after all. Adele and Taylor Swift aren't my thing. But that doesn't mean they can't be yours.

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