So the good news is, no more having to worry about watching the owner. That means I am free to do what I want, pretty much. The bad news is no more money....I was given a final pay and that's it. I do have some money saved but I have no idea how long things will take to progress. I will have to move out, which is the thing that has me the most concerned. I have no real control over where I will go since I wont be footing the bill for it. Apartments are not cheap....even BAD ones. My major concern is my safety....I will be living alone and don't want to end up a target. And if I end up near my son, I will no longer have a vehicle. I will be isolated....alone....with no way to get around. I may as well live out of my car.
Yes, I am anxious....maybe sound defeatist. Its not intentional but I am scared and I just want to not be scared anymore. I am trying to remember what my daughter told me.....at least I didn't have to look after the owner anymore. Which is a HUGE relief. Still its been a year since I came here and these 4 walls are closing in on me.
There is something that concerns me more than anything. I love my kids and I know they love me. But do they respect me? How can you possibly respect someone who is such a loser? I would give ANYTHING to not be this way. But that's not going to happen. But I would feel SO much better if I knew my kids respected me somewhat. I would feel like more of a parent than I do right now, instead of a leech.
We all have to play the hand we are dealt. And I am doing my best to do that. I started working on an afghan that I started for my son and his wife 18 montha ago. I hope to finish it in the next week or so. I have the time, if nothing else. And I really DO want to give it to them....I know they will love it.
Today's song is Help! by the Beatles. The lyrics really hit home right now.