When you get to a certain age, as I have, you might have occasion to look back and think about your grandmother (if you knew one) and thing about what they looked like, how they acted. I remember my grandmother (paternal) and all I can really remember is how icy she was.... a very Victorian type of woman. She wasn't loving or particularly caring that I could see. We rarely saw her as she lived on the other side of the city and my father wasn't very keen on driving there...mainly because, like me, he didn't want to drive a way he wasn't familiar with so we had to take the LONG way to get there, as it was the only route he knew. However, I digress.
I have a feeling, due to generational differences, that my grandparents probably didn't have sex when they were senior citizens. Now granted, my grandfather died in his 60's so they wouldn't have had much chance. But I honestly believe they only did it to have kids, which was pretty much how it was in their time, not to mention my grandmother's personality. Now that I have reached the age of 62, I think to myself, "How do you live without it?" Its a problem I am facing now.
I didn't have a problem before....the meds were knocking my libido in the toilet. But since I took myself off them, things have changed drastically. I MISS making love.....terribly! Not just sex, though. I can masturbate with the best of them and get off. But that only lasts short time. And fantasizing about someone making love to you is frustrating at best. I look at Ron's picture and I think back to when we had sex. He was mostly into the act, not so much getting there. Not that I blame him....that's how most men are. And realizing that our last night of sex was what led to his heart attack makes me feel sad and a bit guilty. But I have to believe that there are men out there that enjoy the touch and feel of a woman's body as much as copulation, if for no other reason than they know that THAT is what pleases their partner. A truly caring man will take the time to explore a woman...especially now at my age where there is no possibility of accidental pregnancies or having to worry about time constraints.
I had thought about going back on the Fluvox just to help with the feelings but I can't....I feel MORE alive this way than I did when my sex drive was practically non existent... .and I don't want to lose that feeling! I am torn between suffering with the side effects and wanting more than anything to start looking for a partner....something SWORE I would never do after Ron died. Funny how we pass through feelings. Its like childbirth....we all SWEAR we will never have another child and go through all that pain again, but the memory fades and we have another baby anyway. I still have the memory of Ron's dead body in that bathroom and the horror and fear and sadness I experienced. But here I am.....yearning for another man to love and be loved by. Not exclusively for the physical but right now, that is what I am obsessed with. I read sexy romance novels....something haven't done since I was in my 20's.....and wish the heroine was me. But its not giving me what I really need. And its so difficult....you can't talk to your KIDS about this sort of thing and I don't have anyone else. I did tell my psych Dr....he thought it was GREAT! But not so great if you don't have an appropriate outlet and even he admitted that going out to find someone for sex wasn't such a great idea. However, as I said, its not just sex I need.....its love. Everyone needs it. The physical and the emotional. I have never been one who could be alone for too long. I am not yet TOO old looking, although I see the changes in my body and I hate them. Still, I am attractive enough that a man would find me pleasing. But not if I wait TOO much longer.
Oh....my therapist quit. They gave me another one....a man. I saw him once and couldn't understand most of what he said....accent was TOO heavy. I never went back. So right now I don't have a therapist but I really don't care....I am happier without one. If I can find another woman who I can understand and who I can talk to, I will try again. But therapy, for me, is just having someone to talk to. That's really what friends are for....but I don't have any of those.
The song for this time is "When I'm Sixty-Four" by the Beatles. Hell, I'd take THAT life in a heartbeat if it was offered.