Sunday, June 5, 2016

Adult Make Believe

(I started a post, got nearly finished and accidentally deleted it. I was SO frustrated, I just turned off the computer. I am going to try again today.)

Have you ever made up stories in your head....even tried acting them out when you are alone? I have been doing this off and on since I was a kid. Now as a kid, its considered perfectly normal to play make believe. But an adult? Well, for me its a coping mechanism. When things aren't going quite the way I would wish them, I turn to my imagination. I make myself a hero in my stories....strong, brave, intelligent, beautiful...all the things I wish I was. In some instances, I am a time traveler....or a starship captain....or even a courtesan. Now you can go ahead and laugh but my mind does what it must to cope with the loneliness.....the isolation. It works. And it doesn't hurt anyone.

When I was in high school, I channeled this make believe into a play I wrote....very impromptu. I got an A+ on it with a notation by teacher that read "See me" next to the grade. So I went up after class and he told me he was SO impressed with the play that he thought I should submit it to the school literary mag. I was flattered but being the brunt of ceaseless bullying, I didn't want to give anyone any ammunition. So I kept the play to myself. I wish I still had it....I spend a whole night writing it because I made it up as I went along the night before it was due....and I had to type it  so no editing. It was quite an achievement. I think I got an hour of sleep after I finished it before I had to get up for school.

I wanted to be an actress and I think I would have been good at it. But I didn't have the courage to do it. So as a way of releasing that part of me, I have acted out in my imagination. I read books aloud and pretend to be one of the characters. I can mimic many accents....don't know where that came from but it got me a major part in a school musical. I can do several English accents as well as Irish, Scots, French, Spanish, Russian, Indian, German....don't know where that "talent" came from but I got it. I can be a man or a woman.....especially now that my voice, due to menopause, is somewhat in a lower register. I used to be a first Soprano....not anymore.

Oddly, I decided to Google "adult make believe" and found literally nothing. Now I find it hard to believe I am the only one in the world that does this.....or maybe I am the only one who ADMITS to doing it....ha,ha! Or maybe that's the definition of an actor....someone who plays make believe. But not quite. There is a difference between doing something as a job and doing it as a means of keeping one's sanity. I only do this when I have lost my partner or just don't have one, hence my doing it now. Its a substitute for love, too. Not a perfect one but when all you have is yourself, you make do.

I am still doing a lot of reading. I have had the first 4 "Outlander" books since they were printed and I read the first 2. I started "Voyager" back in '94 but only finished a couple chapters (probably because this was about the time my marriage started to go south) so I picked it up again this weekend and am already more than halfway through it. My daughter can't understand how anyone can read them....too much descriptive text. But I find it very readable. I have the 4th book as well and will probably read that. I actually enjoy the books more than the tv series.

I have to see a new medical Dr. on Tuesday and I am very anxious about it. I hope it goes well.

My song today is "Make Believe it's Your First Time" by the Carpenters. I have acted out THAT, too.

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