Thursday, March 23, 2017

High Anxiety (Caution - some adult stuff)

I haven't forgotten my blog....just seems like I don't have the patience to write lately. This week I am at my brother's house. I had hoped that it would be a relaxing stress free week but things never work out the way you plan them. First I did a dumb thing.... I was trying to put nail polish on and I dripped some onto my $80 Torrid jeans. I freaked out.... these are my new jeans and I knew I was never going to get the stain out.... which I didn't completely. But I tried nail polish remover and hairspray. At first I didn't think it helped, but I washed them a second time and the polish faded enough that I don't think anyone will notice. I can still see it a bit but mainly because I know where it is. I can live with it.

But that was just the beginning. Today I was cleaning my teeth when suddenly something popped out of my mouth. When I looked, I noticed a piece of my tooth fell onto my lap.... it had broken off the back of one of my lower front teeth. I couldn't believe it.... what else could happen? Now I have this chunk out of my tooth and it feels so strange. Thankfully it came out of the back of the tooth so you can't see it from the front but I'm going to have to go to the dentist and find out if it can be fixed. I saved the piece of tooth and I'm hoping they can perhaps glue it back on. If not maybe they can fill the tooth in but God only knows what that will cost.

I am still seeing the same man I was at Christmas time. His name is Steve and things are going pretty well. He is very kind and caring but I'm still getting used to the fact that he is a conservative and I am liberal. We avoid talking politics so we don't get into any arguments on that front. My problem now is I find I am beginning to get attached to him which would be nice except I don't know what his feelings are and I'm not the kind to come out and ask for fear of disappointment. I believe he cares for me but I'm not sure how deep those feelings go. I can't say I'm in love with him.... it's too soon for that although I have to admit I did fall in love with Jim in only a couple months. And with Ron in only about a month. But there are certain things about Steve that give me pause.... His weight being the main obstacle. He says he is going to lose weight. He says he wants to do anything he can to please me. But he has a lot of weight to lose and it won't be easy for him.... he likes to eat... a lot. And if he doesn't lose the weight I don't want to be so attached to him that I find it hard to break it off. I don't want to break it off but I already had one nightmare where he died of a heart attack and that just freaked me out. I've gone through that with two men now.... two men I loved dying from heart disease. I don't think I can handle going through that a third time....I still have PTSD from it. And yet, how can I hold my emotions in check? And should I? Should I just take the chance? No.... I can't. It's not just a health issue.... it's also an intimacy issue. He is too big to do much for me....I have to be the one to do most everything. And I can't. I need a man who can love me physically as well as emotionally. Both are equally important to me.

But I am finding that I feel comfortable in more ways with Steve than I did with Ron. I couldn't talk to Ron about some things, whereas with Steve I find myself telling him things I never dared tell Ron....about my mental issues especially. Maybe the fact that Steve deals with mental patients every day at his job and seems to understand a lot of what I deal with is the reason. And I can talk about sex with Steve much easier, too. We have a lot in common....we both have an interest in Sub/Dom, bondage and punishment. Not sadistic stuff...just light. And he is very intent on pleasing me, which is wonderful. I never thought at my age that I would find a renewed interest in sex play or someone who would do anything to satisfy me that way. Still, he HAS to lose weight....we are limited as to what we can do. I have patience but it will only last if I see improvement.

I have noticed in the last month or so my anxiety has been increasing...not exactly why. I will have to talk to my Dr. next week and probably go back on daily meds again. I don't want to, but this constant feeling in my gut that won't go away is getting hard to take. Guess I will be like this the rest of my life.

Well, I am starting to yawn so I better think about getting some sleep. I am only here till Sunday then its back to the dungeon. Not for much longer, I hope, and then I can start getting my life back on track. The song for the day is "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. That song pretty much fits me to a T...might have to tell Steve that.

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