It dawned on me that its been a few months since I posted anything. So here I am.....catching up.
Things are getting better. Why? I have finally left the former residence behind! I am gone from PA and back in NJ. Where? Well, that's the funny part. I used to live here. It's my ex's house....used to be OUR house..but I wont rehash the past. Anyway, the ex is out of the country for a year with work and he said I could live here till he got back. I have moved into the finished basement (I stayed down here when my ex and I were separated) and its very comfortable. The room is nearly twice the size of where I was staying before with a large storage area for a lot of my stuff. Its cool because...well. its underground...so it's nice for summer. Its clean and cozy and well lit and there are lots of electrical outlets. unlike where I was. Its almost like having a private apartment....not to mention the room next to this is a fitness room with exercise machines! And I now have a usable kitchen and a clean bathroom with clean water. No more going to the gym to shower and no more bottled water! I even bought a gas bbq grill for the backyard.....I haven't used a grill since my divorce! I don't have a cable box but I don't really miss it. I have the smart TV, which is now connected to the WiFi here so I can watch Netflix and I also now have Amazon Prime so I can watch their stuff and movies. And, best of all, my daughter lives here and its SO nice to spend more time with her! I am very content.
But with a new residence comes anxiety, of course....how could I avoid it? I now have to apply for government assistance here, have to contact my lawyer to let him know I moved and contact PA assistance and cancel my benefits there. All involving phone calls, which, if you have read my previous posts you know, for me, is next to impossible. Which means I have to get my son to do all that for me. I hate to bother him but it has to be done and I know he doesn't mind. Will have to be done in the next couple weeks.
My birthday is Saturday. I know Steve will probably take me out for dinner or something. I will be 63 years old. I still don't feel it.....but I am starting to look it. :(
As for Steve, he took me out to some new places this past weekend and we had such a great time just being together. In between, I helped him finish putting his fourth grill (he loves grilling) together that we started 2 weeks ago....its half gas and half for charcoal. I know he is very happy about that.
But we have had a couple of emotional heart to heart's. The last one I told him I was beginning to feel like a friend with benefits. I believe he took that to heart because this weekend was probably the best time I have had with him since we met. He told me he was sorry but was being cautious with me....not allowing himself to feel too much. I told him I wasn't his ex girlfriend....I am real and sincere. He also said he sucks at relationships and sometimes needs a good kick in the ass....his words. Well, I think that what I said was that kick in the ass for him....I believe he doesn't want to lose me. Again, I don't think I am in love with him, although I do "love" him. Its a different feeling. I am not saying I won't fall in love with him but that won't come without more from him. I just know that this weekend was a step in the right direction for us. He was sweet and more affectionate and the sex was more about me than about him. He does have his flaws.....mostly when driving. He can't stand to let any little mistake by another driver go unnoticed....he has to honk and give the finger. I am not to used to that kind of behavior and it causes me anxiety. I am getting to the point where I want to close my eyes from the moment I am in his car till the moment I get out. But on the other hand, he LOVES to drive and will go anywhere and I need someone like that who wants to take me all kinds of new places.....SO different from Ron. I am enjoying the experiences. But Steve is blue collar all the way....I have never had a relationship with a blue collar guy. And NO, I am not a snob....if a guy is respectful and treats me well, that's the main thing. But he is rougher around the edges than either Jim or Ron and its taking some getting used to. But he can be SO sweet and caring. He said he cares for me and that's how I feel about him. We'll see how things progress.
The song for today is VERY old....from 1930. "I'm So Afraid of You" by the Ipana Troubadours. In a way, its how I feel with Steve....he knows how I feel about him but there are times I wish I hadn't told him. Still, things are good and I hope they stay that way. Hopefully by my next post, I will have gotten my SSI and I can start working on getting a place of my own. Stay tuned.