I Shoulda Been a Cowboy....

.....because I am still ridin' high!

Its a whole other world when you aren't chronically depressed. Oh, I still do have stabs of anxiety but they pass very quickly and are barely noticed. It's remarkable what the brain is capable of. I feel almost normal, whatever that is.

I ran out of my favorite book series to read (I have 2 more on order) so I started reading a copy of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, translated, of course. I can kinda understand why he is considered one of England's greatest poets and probably the greatest of his time. Its actually fun to read when you don't have to stumble over the old English. I remember trying to read it in Miss Wells 10th grade English. I got NOTHING out of it then. Glad I can revisit it and understand it better now.

I have been OD'ing on music lately and the tv hasn't been on as much. Which really is a good thing. And, believe it or not, I actually had the motivation to use one of the treadmills at the gym yesterday! I powerwalked for a a full hour, walking 3 miles and burning 300 calories. And I was dripping sweat! But since I was also there for a shower, it all worked out. Problem is, I don't have a lot of workout clothes and I have to arrange a day to take my laundry to my ex's to wash. When I was with Ron, I would walk and as soon as I got home, strip down, shower and throw my stuff right in the washer so it would be ready for the next workout. But I do have one more set of things I can wear, then take it all over to be washed later next week......assuming my motivation holds up. It really DOES help with depression.....once you get moving, you want to KEEP moving. I was restless when I got back here and I was up and down most of the day, which again, is a good thing.

Got a letter from Social Security. Seems the lawyer did start the appeals process and things are moving along, albeit slowly. But I expected that. Seems most of these hearing are done via video link, which is fine with me. I just wish I could get them to understand that my issues are situational....that I can look and sound just fine until I am in a situation where my anxiety is triggered....then I am a basket case. I sure hope if I can't convey that then the lawyer can.

Brother sent me a little more money so my car insurance and phone bill are taken care of for May. I have to put a little money in the bank for the credit cards. But funds are starting to dwindle and it makes me nervous.

Well, guess I better see about making some dinner. Today's song is, of course, "I Shoulda Been a Cowboy" by Toby Keith. YEEEEE HA!!

Manic-in

Who says only people on drugs can experience a high? Or crash? 

I have been pretty high for the last week. Its trailed off a bit in the last couple days but I know why....the weather. So the groundhog lied when he said we would have an early spring......figures. I planned to pack away my winter clothes. Instead, I am still using them. I know April is a transition month but its baseball season now and my first game is going to again be in cold weather. I need to dig out my baseball blanket so I am prepared 

Funny how things that you lost interest in for years will suddenly seem interesting again. I used to love mystery novels when I was a teenager. I read SO many and then there were none left. But recently I, quite by accident, came across some news I had no idea about. Seems one of the authors I used to read had an unfinished manuscript that was lost until recently (how often do you hear about that?) and the authors estate commissioned another writer to finish the novel, which she did. And with permission of the estate, she has been writing other novels with the same main characters. I was delighted to find this out and immediately bought one of the newer novels. It was written in the same style as the original author and I thoroughly enjoyed it. As a result, I ordered 2 more and will be starting them as soon as I finish a book of short stories by the original author that I have recently discovered in the basement of this house. Its my book and I bought it when I was 18. With all the years that have passed, I had forgotten these stories so its like reading them for the first time. I feel a little like I have gone back in time and I like the feeling. I missed reading....I was a great reader when I was young. I could read by the age of 4 and never stopped until I got married. Then my interest waned with the coming of children and the responsibilities they bring. Now I welcome them back into my life for as long as my mental issues will allow them.

Another thing that has come back more strongly into my life this past week is music. Not that it was ever really gone. But I wasn't listening to it as much. I was watching TV instead. But last week I decided I had had enough of TV and turned it off. Then I turned on my computer and started listening to YouTube music....first piano, then folk, then country, then stuff from the 20's and 30's and I was really getting into it all. I started a playlist for YouTube so I wouldn't lose track of some of the songs I enjoyed the most. 

One thing I realized is that when you are alone and you don't talk to people on a regular basis, you start to lose your voice....it doesn't sound the way it should.  It was getting so bad that I would start to cough when I had a longish conversation with my daughter on the phone. So when the owner's son is at work and I am here alone, I either read out loud or I sing along with the music. That has been helping. I used to have a decent singing voice but I found I was losing it. I am not THAT old yet.

Found out recently that my oldest brother's wife had a stroke and went into a coma. She had demensia before this and now with being paralyzed on one side by the stroke, she contracted pneumonia. My brother is not optimistic about her recovery. He lives in Japan and my SIL is Japanese. But as much as he likes the island, I know he wants to come home. And I sure would like that, too. I know it would help with my issues. Of all the siblings I have left, I guess I am the closest to him which is odd, him being thousands of miles away. But he always has time for me.....my other brothers don't. 

Now all I have to do is get through this cold weather and I think I will be fine. 

I have a GREAT song this time that I have been playing a lot lately...."Its a Great Day to Be Alive", by Travis Tritt. If you need a song to get you going and you like country music, I thoroughly recommend it. 

Spring Sprong

A spring, in order to work. has to go up and down. Right now I feel like a spring.....I spent the last week or so springing up.

I didn't realize it was nearly a month since I last posted. But I wouldn't have had the patience to type until now...and talking about your troubles doesn't necessarily make things better.

I had a rough patch for a couple weeks....all I wanted to do was lay around here. I hadn't showered for a week before I finally was forced to get out of the house to clean my ex's place and after that, go to the gym to get cleaned up. I was happy to get a $100 check for the work...every little bit helps. I needed that job...I needed to feel productive (even if it WAS cleaning a house I used to live in and miss very much).  I was fading away.....and scared.

I got some work done on my car. Got the drivers side window fixed, which is wonderful....no more having to open the door to pay tolls or for gas. I also got my oil changed, tires rotated and my a/c recharged. Not sure if there is a leak but will certainly find out if the blower starts blowing out warm air. For now, its cold. I wanted to get the keyless entry fixed but that was going to cost as much as all the other work put together so I figure I can just lock the car with the key for the forseeable future....its only a minor inconvenience.

Got my quarters changed in and put that money away for now.

During the 2 week slump I did some more crocheting....working on those 4 afghans I started and need to finish. I even knitted a kitchen towel for my daughter in green and white....very springy looking. And I washed and put away my winter linens and put the spring/summer ones on my bed. Trying VERY hard to keep my environment as cheery as possible. It helps that the owners son finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday....that was depressing as hell. The owner is still hospitalized and likely to remain so indefinitely.

I did finish cleaning up the room but this weekend I am going to pack away my winter clothes so I can make room for my spring/summer stuff. Every little bit helps.

No trying to grow vegetables THIS year...it was a disaster last summer. Even my lettuce got eaten by groundhogs. Maybe someday if I ever have a place of my own I'll try again. I'll stick with houseplants and flowers. I did order a flowering plant online...hoping I can keep it alive.

My sleep patterns haven't changed, I have tried to go to bed earlier but I still wake up late. Last night I dreamt about a dead baby in a bathtub. I have NO idea what THAT was all about!

My daughter finished her training, passed her certification test and got a job! I am SO happy for her. She IS having anxiety over it and I totally understand....unfamiliar people and situations, just like her mother. But she is getting through it.....like I did when I was her age. I hope she gets a career going so she has that to keep her afloat and doesn't end up like me. I want the cycle of dependency to end with me.

A part of me wants to let go of Ron now....a part of me can't/won't. I still love him. Not sure even if I DID ever meet someone else that I could ever stop loving Ron. Some of the most intimate memories are fading....I can hardly remember what it felt like when he held me in his arms. It seems so wrong. But I do remember things he said....funny little things....and I find myself using them. But it still brings me pain. I want to move on but there is nothing to move on to yet. His ashes sit on the shelf next to his photo and I still talk to him sometimes.

I feel the calm before the storm. It scares me. I think its even scarier than the storm itself.

Am I Not Worthy?

One of the worst obsessions I have right now (and a major anxiety creator) is my limited financial resources. I have been trying to budget my meager funds.....they may have to last me for a year or more! I do consider myself fortunate to have my oldest brother helping our a bit with a little money every month....he has been a godsend and has been keeping me from crashing and burning. But today I got a shock and a surprise.

The owner's son came up to me this morning and handed me a wad of money. He said it was from his sister.....part of my severance pay. I thought they had given me what they termed "severance pay" when it was determined that the owner wouldn't be returning home. I took the money to my room and counted it....$700! I immediately sent a text to the sister asking to explain. She said they had intended to give me that money all along but the money was tied up in legal stuff and they were just now able to get it. I immediately said I couldn't accept it but she insisted. I started to cry and thanked her. She said now I could out and shop.....ha,ha! Not really....that money will keep me from panicking for a few months, that's for sure! I am more grateful than I can say. Despite everything, they have been very kind to me.

And yet, a part of me wonders if I deserve it? Oddly enough, after I got the money, I immediately thought of Ron.....and was he looking out for me? I keep holding onto that. That he IS out there. I have been a great believer in angels for years.....maybe more so than God. All I really know is that that money has me feeling better right now than all the medication in the world could do for me.

I am not sure if I ever mentioned that I save quarters.....just quarters. It started when I was with Ron. I bought one of those digital banks and started putting all my spare change in it. Every day when Ron would come home from work he would deposit one quarter in it. When the jar was full, we would take it to the bank and cash it in. Then I started only putting quarters in it (the rest of my change goes in another jar for my granddaughter) along with him. And I continue to do it. I have close to $200 in quarters in it and will take it to my brother soon to cash in.....my bank doesn't have a cash counting machine and I don't feel like wrapping them up. I also have an Ad Sense account with Google. It only gets me about $100 a year but its free money and I can't complain about that.

I got the paperwork in the mail to reapply for my welfare benefits. Filled it out and have already put it in the mailbox. I asked my DIL if she would be my primary contact in case I had a problem communicating with their office and she was happy to agree. So that will help in case of an emergency.

And on another positive note, I straightened up and organized half this bedroom. The other half will be done, too.....I promised myself.

Today I count the good things I have and set aside the bad. Every day I can do this is a victory for my soul. And I must accept the good and know I AM worthy. My song is Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin. It should be my mantra.....I hope it will be one day!

Then and Now

I never really knew what life could be like until I got divorced. The divorce and the aftermath was a nightmare.  But once I let go of the crap, a whole new world opened up for me. Some of which I am, upon reflection, not real proud of. But it was MY life, to do as I wanted for the first time.....and if anyone got hurt, it was me. I did things I never dreamed I would. I went to swing clubs....I swam in the nude in the Caribbean and vacationed at a nude resort....I saw Auchwitz.

But I was fortunate.  I met a man who didn't care about my issues. I guess mine weren't as bad as his previous girlfriend.....she was a kleptomaniac. Now I am not talking about Ron.....he was a hermit and we rarely went anywhere. But before him was my fiancée. He was very intelligent and well travelled. He wanted to share all that with me and I was thrilled to be able to do it. But he died 2 years after I met him and it was the second time I had to pick up the pieces of my life and start again. I did it....but I was younger and my mother was still alive and I had a place to go to regroup. I took classes, I spent more time with my kids and after about a year I started dating again.  And I met Ron. And although he was nothing like my fiancée, he was sweet and a total gentleman.....he treated me like a queen. And more importantly, he loved me. And the better I got to know him, the more I realized he was a man who found it very hard to love anyone. After 3 failed marriages and a broken engagement, I suppose his family knew it too.

But then he was gone....and there was no safety net. No parent to move in with. ...no money coming in. And my spirit was broken. ....the anxiety I had suffered for decades had ballooned as I aged and I couldn't pick up the pieces as I had in the past. Those pieces are scattered all over and I can't put them back together yet. I want to, but I can't do it alone this time. But I don't want a man.....not now. And no man would want me like this.....that I know. I don't like myself like this so I need to wait until I do. I can't live in the past, but that doesn't mean I will ever forget it. In some ways, it's all I have left.

My song today is Bookends by Simon and Garfunkle. Sad and sweet. ....like me.

Post Valentines Day

I can't believe its been weeks since I posted. I had intended to write more often but, let's face it, my life isn't exactly brimming with exciting events. So what's been happening?

The owner is still in the hospital but supposed to be transferred to some new facility for ventilator patients. She had a tracheotomy done so she doesn't have a tube coming out of her mouth anymore. But she can't eat now and must be fed through a tube. Don't know how long this will last.

I now have more different meds than I have ever had in my life. I am NOT a meds person....don't like having to take them. So now I have Fluvox, Clonidine, Inderal, and Prozac. I am allowed to play around with the dosages to see what works. Since the full dose of thee Clonidine had uncomfortable side effects for me, I was told to take half a pill. So I took one and a half of the Inderal and 1/2 of the Clonidine. I am a little thirsty but no where near as much as I was with the whole pill and it isn't making me sleepy. But it isn't doing anything for my Tourettes which the whole pill did. I am getting frustrated and since the Dr. is going to be away in March, I don't get to see him again till April. Guess I will survive till then.

The winter is tough for me. I have been more uncomfortable than usual going out to run errands. I went food shopping and from the moment I walked in the market I wanted to walk out. I couldn't WAIT to leave. I was an anxious mess the whole time. Forgot some things so had to go to another market to get those. I never mind shopping when I am with someone but alone I dread it. I used to go food shopping with Ron every Saturday morning and even though the people made me nervous, having him near kept me more reassured. I miss him every day, even after a year. I talk about him a lot with family but I think they don't really care now. They figure its been over a year now....ancient history. But he will always be a part of my life. But I digress. I like the winter because I have fewer hot flashes but I feel trapped here and all I do is watch tv in this bed and play on the computer. I can't go shopping anymore.....what money I have left I have to use for bills since I am not getting paid anymore. I did do some cleaning jobs and that helped a little but I can't rely on that money really, as it is not regular. But my brother is still helping with a little money now and then. I have to do a little thinking about my finances and maybe consolidate some of my credit cards.

Valentines Day was not the greatest although I did spend a little time with my daughter. But she was so tired that she fell asleep so I drove her home and she took a nap and I went back to my brother's house where I stayed for the weekend, and packed up my stuff to leave. A nice change but too short a time.

Today was my granddaughter's third birthday. I ordered her a gift from Amazon but she probably wont get it till next week. My fault....I kept procrastinating. But she is still a baby and won't care. I had a couple gifts I bought last year but the more I thought about it the more I realized she needs to be a little older. Maybe next birthday or Christmas.

I am still crocheting a bit. I was making a scarf but I can't find it. I was working on it at a Super Bowl party and I am SURE I took it with me when I left but its disappeared. That made me so mad...looked everywhere for it. I also misplaced my ring I got from my mother....the one my father gave her on their 30th wedding anniversary. I took it off at my brothers house when I was putting on some hand cream and when I went to put it back on it was nowhere  to be found. My mind is going....I just know it. I can't remember ANYTHING anymore.  :(

On a more upbeat note, I decided that I want to make a coffee table out of those wooden crates you can find in the craft stores. I got one at JoAnn Fabrics with a 40% off coupon. I am going to buy one at a time with a coupon so I can get them as cheap as possible. All I need are 4 crates, a piece of plywood cut to size, some wood screws and a set of 4 casters for the bottom so I can move it around. Its pretty easy to make but I might ask for a little help when the time comes. Don't know when I will be getting out of here, but I will get the crates and the screws and the casters ahead of time. When I am ready to build it, I will get the plywood and stain (or paint if I feel that's better).

Speaking of getting out of here, I got a call from SS and wanted me to call them back. I told my therapist and she told me to call him....right there in the office. I told her that she knew I couldn't do that but she told me to call. So I did. I talked to the guy for about a minute when I began to feel a panic attack coming on....I started to hyperventilate and cry and I said I couldn't do it. So my therapist took the phone and talked to the guy. She told him who she was and that I was having a panic attack. They talked for a couple minutes while I sat there trying to calm myself down. When she hung up with him, she told me that was a good conversation. She wanted him to know what was going on wit me and she thinks he understood my problem. Don't know if it will make a difference but at least someone SAW me have a panic attack.....that I am NOT faking it. I felt vindicated. And that felt good

Weekend before last I also spent at my brothers house and my SIL asked if I wanted to go with her to look at dresses?....she has a wedding in June to attend. So I said sure and we went to Dress Barn. I had no reason to buy anything, I just wanted to look. Well, we walked in and right by the door she sees this black lace dress and thinks its perfect. She gets her size and I see another dress behind the one she is looking at. It was white with a large black flower print. I thought it was really cute. She liked it too but they didn't have her size. They did have MY size, however, and she told me I should try it on. So I said ok...what the heck?? I wasn't going to be buying a dress but I was curious as to what it would look like on me. So after SIL picked out a couple more dresses and tops, we both got dressing rooms and tried on our stuff. I have never liked trying on dresses because I always look awful in them, Well, I looked GREAT! I was SO shocked that I looked good in this dress. The style was perfect for my figure. But the real test was sitting down. So I sat on the bench and it felt fine. I hear my SIL telling me to show her so  I opened the door and she and the store manager were standing there and they both said how good the dress looked on me. I said I agreed. My SIL then said that if I wanted it, she would get it for me for an early birthday present. I was thrilled! So I got the dress and its hanging up on a hook on the wall, I have NO idea when I will have an occasion to wear it but if I have one, I am prepared. Just can't gain any weight. Would be helpful if I could lose 10 pounds.

Past time for bed. Tomorrow I have to go to the gym and get a shower and I have my therapy appointment. But it should be better weather. Its been miserable the last several days. I need some sunshine. So there's my song.....Good Day, Sunshine by the Beatles. Hope spring comes soon!

That's Snow Business

A major storm is about to blanket our area with over a foot of snow....closer to 2 feet. So I did what most people do....I went to the grocery store. I never used to do that but I have never been in the position where I had to totally rely on myself. I didn't need much.....how much can one old lady eat?

But I did a stupid thing. I forgot where I put my food stamp card so when I got to the checkout I couldn't find it. And I nearly panicked. But I remembered I did have enough cash to cover the $47 total. But that was my spending cash....and now its gone.

I did find the card when I got in the car.....I bought a new wallet and I put the card in this nearly hidden pocket and forgot about it. I immediately moved it to where I see it when I open the wallet. But I least I didn't lose it.

Anyway, I am now prepared for the next few days of hunkering down and braving the blizzard. I even remembered to pull my windshield wipers up away from the glass so they don't stick....last time I forgot, I broke the wipers when I turned them on.

My oldest brother sent a little money to me for bills again....that helps ease my mind a bit. I am ok for another month.

And I was able to do laundry at my ex's house yesterday....he told me I was welcome to use his washer whenever I wanted. That's helpful, too.

I decided to try the Klonopin the Dr. prescribed. And it worked GREAT! My anxiety was lessened....my heart rate was slower. And, for the first time in my life, my Tourettes was much better controlled.....I hardly had any tics! It did make me sleepy but I can handle that. What I COULDN'T handle was the excessive thirst and my tongue feeling like some alien creature was in my mouth as well as the horrible taste. I drank and drank and drank but the thirst continued.....for EIGHT hours! I was miserable. So that's that....I will have to speak to the office and see if there is a similar medicine that wont have the same side effects. Let's hope so because it really did help otherwise.

The song for today is One by Three Dog Night. I hope I can find some way to pass these lonely days in other ways than worrying about what's next.