Did Your Grandmother Have Sex? (Adult Content)

When you get to a certain age, as I have, you might have occasion to look back and think about your grandmother (if you knew one) and thing about what they looked like, how they acted. I remember my grandmother (paternal) and all I can really remember is how icy she was.... a very Victorian type of woman. She wasn't loving or particularly caring that I could see. We rarely saw her as she lived on the other side of the city and my father wasn't very keen on driving there...mainly because, like me, he didn't want to drive a way he wasn't familiar with so we had to take the LONG way to get there, as it was the only route he knew. However, I digress.

I have a feeling, due to generational differences, that my grandparents probably didn't have sex when they were senior citizens. Now granted, my grandfather died in his 60's so they wouldn't have had much chance. But I honestly believe they only did it to have kids, which was pretty much how it was in their time, not to mention my grandmother's personality. Now that I have reached the age of 62, I think to myself, "How do you live without it?" Its a problem I am facing now.

I didn't have a problem before....the meds were knocking my libido in the toilet. But since I took myself off them, things have changed drastically. I MISS making love.....terribly! Not just sex, though. I can masturbate with the best of them and get off. But that only lasts short time. And fantasizing about someone making love to you is frustrating at best. I look at Ron's picture and I think back to when we had sex. He was mostly into the act, not so much getting there. Not that I blame him....that's how most men are. And realizing that our last night of sex was what led to his heart attack makes me feel sad and a bit guilty. But I have to believe that there are men out there that enjoy the touch and feel of a woman's body as much as copulation, if for no other reason than they know that THAT is what pleases their partner. A truly caring man will take the time to explore a woman...especially now at my age where there is no possibility of accidental pregnancies or having to worry about time constraints.

I had thought about going back on the Fluvox just to help with the feelings but I can't....I feel MORE alive this way than I did when my sex drive was practically non existent... .and I don't want to lose that feeling! I am torn between suffering with the side effects and wanting more than anything to start looking for a partner....something SWORE I would never do after Ron died. Funny how we pass through feelings. Its like childbirth....we all SWEAR we will never have another child and go through all that pain again, but the memory fades and we have another baby anyway. I still have the memory of Ron's dead body in that bathroom and the horror and fear and sadness I experienced. But here I am.....yearning for another man to love and be loved by. Not exclusively for the physical but right now, that is what I am obsessed with. I read sexy romance novels....something  haven't done since I was in my 20's.....and wish the heroine was me. But its not giving me what I really need. And its so difficult....you can't talk to your KIDS about this sort of thing and I don't have anyone else. I did tell my psych Dr....he thought it was GREAT! But not so great if you don't have an appropriate outlet and even he admitted that going out to find someone for sex wasn't such a great idea. However, as I said, its not just sex I need.....its love. Everyone needs it. The physical and the emotional. I have never been one who could be alone for too long. I am not yet TOO old looking, although I see the changes in my body and I hate them. Still, I am attractive enough that a man would find me pleasing. But not if I wait TOO much longer.

Oh....my therapist quit. They gave me another one....a man. I saw him once and couldn't understand most of what he said....accent was TOO heavy. I never went back. So right now I don't have a therapist but I really don't care....I am happier without one. If I can find another woman who I can understand and who I can talk to, I will try again. But therapy, for me, is just having someone to talk to. That's really what friends are for....but I don't have any of those.

The song for this time is "When I'm Sixty-Four" by the Beatles. Hell, I'd take THAT life in a heartbeat if it was offered.

Adult Make Believe

(I started a post, got nearly finished and accidentally deleted it. I was SO frustrated, I just turned off the computer. I am going to try again today.)

Have you ever made up stories in your head....even tried acting them out when you are alone? I have been doing this off and on since I was a kid. Now as a kid, its considered perfectly normal to play make believe. But an adult? Well, for me its a coping mechanism. When things aren't going quite the way I would wish them, I turn to my imagination. I make myself a hero in my stories....strong, brave, intelligent, beautiful...all the things I wish I was. In some instances, I am a time traveler....or a starship captain....or even a courtesan. Now you can go ahead and laugh but my mind does what it must to cope with the loneliness.....the isolation. It works. And it doesn't hurt anyone.

When I was in high school, I channeled this make believe into a play I wrote....very impromptu. I got an A+ on it with a notation by teacher that read "See me" next to the grade. So I went up after class and he told me he was SO impressed with the play that he thought I should submit it to the school literary mag. I was flattered but being the brunt of ceaseless bullying, I didn't want to give anyone any ammunition. So I kept the play to myself. I wish I still had it....I spend a whole night writing it because I made it up as I went along the night before it was due....and I had to type it  so no editing. It was quite an achievement. I think I got an hour of sleep after I finished it before I had to get up for school.

I wanted to be an actress and I think I would have been good at it. But I didn't have the courage to do it. So as a way of releasing that part of me, I have acted out in my imagination. I read books aloud and pretend to be one of the characters. I can mimic many accents....don't know where that came from but it got me a major part in a school musical. I can do several English accents as well as Irish, Scots, French, Spanish, Russian, Indian, German....don't know where that "talent" came from but I got it. I can be a man or a woman.....especially now that my voice, due to menopause, is somewhat in a lower register. I used to be a first Soprano....not anymore.

Oddly, I decided to Google "adult make believe" and found literally nothing. Now I find it hard to believe I am the only one in the world that does this.....or maybe I am the only one who ADMITS to doing it....ha,ha! Or maybe that's the definition of an actor....someone who plays make believe. But not quite. There is a difference between doing something as a job and doing it as a means of keeping one's sanity. I only do this when I have lost my partner or just don't have one, hence my doing it now. Its a substitute for love, too. Not a perfect one but when all you have is yourself, you make do.

I am still doing a lot of reading. I have had the first 4 "Outlander" books since they were printed and I read the first 2. I started "Voyager" back in '94 but only finished a couple chapters (probably because this was about the time my marriage started to go south) so I picked it up again this weekend and am already more than halfway through it. My daughter can't understand how anyone can read them....too much descriptive text. But I find it very readable. I have the 4th book as well and will probably read that. I actually enjoy the books more than the tv series.

I have to see a new medical Dr. on Tuesday and I am very anxious about it. I hope it goes well.

My song today is "Make Believe it's Your First Time" by the Carpenters. I have acted out THAT, too.

I Shoulda Been a Cowboy....

.....because I am still ridin' high!

Its a whole other world when you aren't chronically depressed. Oh, I still do have stabs of anxiety but they pass very quickly and are barely noticed. It's remarkable what the brain is capable of. I feel almost normal, whatever that is.

I ran out of my favorite book series to read (I have 2 more on order) so I started reading a copy of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, translated, of course. I can kinda understand why he is considered one of England's greatest poets and probably the greatest of his time. Its actually fun to read when you don't have to stumble over the old English. I remember trying to read it in Miss Wells 10th grade English. I got NOTHING out of it then. Glad I can revisit it and understand it better now.

I have been OD'ing on music lately and the tv hasn't been on as much. Which really is a good thing. And, believe it or not, I actually had the motivation to use one of the treadmills at the gym yesterday! I powerwalked for a a full hour, walking 3 miles and burning 300 calories. And I was dripping sweat! But since I was also there for a shower, it all worked out. Problem is, I don't have a lot of workout clothes and I have to arrange a day to take my laundry to my ex's to wash. When I was with Ron, I would walk and as soon as I got home, strip down, shower and throw my stuff right in the washer so it would be ready for the next workout. But I do have one more set of things I can wear, then take it all over to be washed later next week......assuming my motivation holds up. It really DOES help with depression.....once you get moving, you want to KEEP moving. I was restless when I got back here and I was up and down most of the day, which again, is a good thing.

Got a letter from Social Security. Seems the lawyer did start the appeals process and things are moving along, albeit slowly. But I expected that. Seems most of these hearing are done via video link, which is fine with me. I just wish I could get them to understand that my issues are situational....that I can look and sound just fine until I am in a situation where my anxiety is triggered....then I am a basket case. I sure hope if I can't convey that then the lawyer can.

Brother sent me a little more money so my car insurance and phone bill are taken care of for May. I have to put a little money in the bank for the credit cards. But funds are starting to dwindle and it makes me nervous.

Well, guess I better see about making some dinner. Today's song is, of course, "I Shoulda Been a Cowboy" by Toby Keith. YEEEEE HA!!

Manic-in

Who says only people on drugs can experience a high? Or crash? 

I have been pretty high for the last week. Its trailed off a bit in the last couple days but I know why....the weather. So the groundhog lied when he said we would have an early spring......figures. I planned to pack away my winter clothes. Instead, I am still using them. I know April is a transition month but its baseball season now and my first game is going to again be in cold weather. I need to dig out my baseball blanket so I am prepared 

Funny how things that you lost interest in for years will suddenly seem interesting again. I used to love mystery novels when I was a teenager. I read SO many and then there were none left. But recently I, quite by accident, came across some news I had no idea about. Seems one of the authors I used to read had an unfinished manuscript that was lost until recently (how often do you hear about that?) and the authors estate commissioned another writer to finish the novel, which she did. And with permission of the estate, she has been writing other novels with the same main characters. I was delighted to find this out and immediately bought one of the newer novels. It was written in the same style as the original author and I thoroughly enjoyed it. As a result, I ordered 2 more and will be starting them as soon as I finish a book of short stories by the original author that I have recently discovered in the basement of this house. Its my book and I bought it when I was 18. With all the years that have passed, I had forgotten these stories so its like reading them for the first time. I feel a little like I have gone back in time and I like the feeling. I missed reading....I was a great reader when I was young. I could read by the age of 4 and never stopped until I got married. Then my interest waned with the coming of children and the responsibilities they bring. Now I welcome them back into my life for as long as my mental issues will allow them.

Another thing that has come back more strongly into my life this past week is music. Not that it was ever really gone. But I wasn't listening to it as much. I was watching TV instead. But last week I decided I had had enough of TV and turned it off. Then I turned on my computer and started listening to YouTube music....first piano, then folk, then country, then stuff from the 20's and 30's and I was really getting into it all. I started a playlist for YouTube so I wouldn't lose track of some of the songs I enjoyed the most. 

One thing I realized is that when you are alone and you don't talk to people on a regular basis, you start to lose your voice....it doesn't sound the way it should.  It was getting so bad that I would start to cough when I had a longish conversation with my daughter on the phone. So when the owner's son is at work and I am here alone, I either read out loud or I sing along with the music. That has been helping. I used to have a decent singing voice but I found I was losing it. I am not THAT old yet.

Found out recently that my oldest brother's wife had a stroke and went into a coma. She had demensia before this and now with being paralyzed on one side by the stroke, she contracted pneumonia. My brother is not optimistic about her recovery. He lives in Japan and my SIL is Japanese. But as much as he likes the island, I know he wants to come home. And I sure would like that, too. I know it would help with my issues. Of all the siblings I have left, I guess I am the closest to him which is odd, him being thousands of miles away. But he always has time for me.....my other brothers don't. 

Now all I have to do is get through this cold weather and I think I will be fine. 

I have a GREAT song this time that I have been playing a lot lately...."Its a Great Day to Be Alive", by Travis Tritt. If you need a song to get you going and you like country music, I thoroughly recommend it. 

Spring Sprong

A spring, in order to work. has to go up and down. Right now I feel like a spring.....I spent the last week or so springing up.

I didn't realize it was nearly a month since I last posted. But I wouldn't have had the patience to type until now...and talking about your troubles doesn't necessarily make things better.

I had a rough patch for a couple weeks....all I wanted to do was lay around here. I hadn't showered for a week before I finally was forced to get out of the house to clean my ex's place and after that, go to the gym to get cleaned up. I was happy to get a $100 check for the work...every little bit helps. I needed that job...I needed to feel productive (even if it WAS cleaning a house I used to live in and miss very much).  I was fading away.....and scared.

I got some work done on my car. Got the drivers side window fixed, which is wonderful....no more having to open the door to pay tolls or for gas. I also got my oil changed, tires rotated and my a/c recharged. Not sure if there is a leak but will certainly find out if the blower starts blowing out warm air. For now, its cold. I wanted to get the keyless entry fixed but that was going to cost as much as all the other work put together so I figure I can just lock the car with the key for the forseeable future....its only a minor inconvenience.

Got my quarters changed in and put that money away for now.

During the 2 week slump I did some more crocheting....working on those 4 afghans I started and need to finish. I even knitted a kitchen towel for my daughter in green and white....very springy looking. And I washed and put away my winter linens and put the spring/summer ones on my bed. Trying VERY hard to keep my environment as cheery as possible. It helps that the owners son finally took down the Christmas tree yesterday....that was depressing as hell. The owner is still hospitalized and likely to remain so indefinitely.

I did finish cleaning up the room but this weekend I am going to pack away my winter clothes so I can make room for my spring/summer stuff. Every little bit helps.

No trying to grow vegetables THIS year...it was a disaster last summer. Even my lettuce got eaten by groundhogs. Maybe someday if I ever have a place of my own I'll try again. I'll stick with houseplants and flowers. I did order a flowering plant online...hoping I can keep it alive.

My sleep patterns haven't changed, I have tried to go to bed earlier but I still wake up late. Last night I dreamt about a dead baby in a bathtub. I have NO idea what THAT was all about!

My daughter finished her training, passed her certification test and got a job! I am SO happy for her. She IS having anxiety over it and I totally understand....unfamiliar people and situations, just like her mother. But she is getting through it.....like I did when I was her age. I hope she gets a career going so she has that to keep her afloat and doesn't end up like me. I want the cycle of dependency to end with me.

A part of me wants to let go of Ron now....a part of me can't/won't. I still love him. Not sure even if I DID ever meet someone else that I could ever stop loving Ron. Some of the most intimate memories are fading....I can hardly remember what it felt like when he held me in his arms. It seems so wrong. But I do remember things he said....funny little things....and I find myself using them. But it still brings me pain. I want to move on but there is nothing to move on to yet. His ashes sit on the shelf next to his photo and I still talk to him sometimes.

I feel the calm before the storm. It scares me. I think its even scarier than the storm itself.

Am I Not Worthy?

One of the worst obsessions I have right now (and a major anxiety creator) is my limited financial resources. I have been trying to budget my meager funds.....they may have to last me for a year or more! I do consider myself fortunate to have my oldest brother helping our a bit with a little money every month....he has been a godsend and has been keeping me from crashing and burning. But today I got a shock and a surprise.

The owner's son came up to me this morning and handed me a wad of money. He said it was from his sister.....part of my severance pay. I thought they had given me what they termed "severance pay" when it was determined that the owner wouldn't be returning home. I took the money to my room and counted it....$700! I immediately sent a text to the sister asking to explain. She said they had intended to give me that money all along but the money was tied up in legal stuff and they were just now able to get it. I immediately said I couldn't accept it but she insisted. I started to cry and thanked her. She said now I could out and shop.....ha,ha! Not really....that money will keep me from panicking for a few months, that's for sure! I am more grateful than I can say. Despite everything, they have been very kind to me.

And yet, a part of me wonders if I deserve it? Oddly enough, after I got the money, I immediately thought of Ron.....and was he looking out for me? I keep holding onto that. That he IS out there. I have been a great believer in angels for years.....maybe more so than God. All I really know is that that money has me feeling better right now than all the medication in the world could do for me.

I am not sure if I ever mentioned that I save quarters.....just quarters. It started when I was with Ron. I bought one of those digital banks and started putting all my spare change in it. Every day when Ron would come home from work he would deposit one quarter in it. When the jar was full, we would take it to the bank and cash it in. Then I started only putting quarters in it (the rest of my change goes in another jar for my granddaughter) along with him. And I continue to do it. I have close to $200 in quarters in it and will take it to my brother soon to cash in.....my bank doesn't have a cash counting machine and I don't feel like wrapping them up. I also have an Ad Sense account with Google. It only gets me about $100 a year but its free money and I can't complain about that.

I got the paperwork in the mail to reapply for my welfare benefits. Filled it out and have already put it in the mailbox. I asked my DIL if she would be my primary contact in case I had a problem communicating with their office and she was happy to agree. So that will help in case of an emergency.

And on another positive note, I straightened up and organized half this bedroom. The other half will be done, too.....I promised myself.

Today I count the good things I have and set aside the bad. Every day I can do this is a victory for my soul. And I must accept the good and know I AM worthy. My song is Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin. It should be my mantra.....I hope it will be one day!

Then and Now

I never really knew what life could be like until I got divorced. The divorce and the aftermath was a nightmare.  But once I let go of the crap, a whole new world opened up for me. Some of which I am, upon reflection, not real proud of. But it was MY life, to do as I wanted for the first time.....and if anyone got hurt, it was me. I did things I never dreamed I would. I went to swing clubs....I swam in the nude in the Caribbean and vacationed at a nude resort....I saw Auchwitz.

But I was fortunate.  I met a man who didn't care about my issues. I guess mine weren't as bad as his previous girlfriend.....she was a kleptomaniac. Now I am not talking about Ron.....he was a hermit and we rarely went anywhere. But before him was my fiancée. He was very intelligent and well travelled. He wanted to share all that with me and I was thrilled to be able to do it. But he died 2 years after I met him and it was the second time I had to pick up the pieces of my life and start again. I did it....but I was younger and my mother was still alive and I had a place to go to regroup. I took classes, I spent more time with my kids and after about a year I started dating again.  And I met Ron. And although he was nothing like my fiancée, he was sweet and a total gentleman.....he treated me like a queen. And more importantly, he loved me. And the better I got to know him, the more I realized he was a man who found it very hard to love anyone. After 3 failed marriages and a broken engagement, I suppose his family knew it too.

But then he was gone....and there was no safety net. No parent to move in with. ...no money coming in. And my spirit was broken. ....the anxiety I had suffered for decades had ballooned as I aged and I couldn't pick up the pieces as I had in the past. Those pieces are scattered all over and I can't put them back together yet. I want to, but I can't do it alone this time. But I don't want a man.....not now. And no man would want me like this.....that I know. I don't like myself like this so I need to wait until I do. I can't live in the past, but that doesn't mean I will ever forget it. In some ways, it's all I have left.

My song today is Bookends by Simon and Garfunkle. Sad and sweet. ....like me.